Ok, so I would like some input on a situation, that is. It biased as it would be coming from friends and family. It's kinda long sorry.

I have been married for 5 years. When I Met my husband he had custody of his daughter. Which I thought was very admirable and that is one of the things that attracted me to him. So once into our courtship, it became apparent that my mil was primary care taker of my stepdaughter. As my inlaws own a apartment building and my husband lived with them (in his own apartment). So a few months before the wedding we find out that my stepdaughter (15 years old) is pregnant. Back round info on me is that I am very independent as I didnt really have my parents, and I was a single mother @ that time. So my stepdaughter came to live with us once my husband moved in with me. To make a long story short my SD would come and go as she pleased, come home for a day to wash clothes and go back to her moms house where she was able to have her boyfriend sleep over. I told my husband this was not acceptable as I have my son and don't want him to think that kind of behavior is acceptable. So SD decided to go live with my MIL. My mil has taken total responsibility for the baby and as far as feeding, buying clothes, bathing, taking to school, park, ect.

So I've noticed this is a trend that seems pretty common with my inlaws. My dilemma is that the grandson who is 5 isn't really well behaved. He doesn't know how to sit down and eat. We took him to Disney last year. I had such a miserable time as did my son, and it was our first trip there. The grandson has no sense of routine, eating, bathing, behavior. So while I do care about the grandson, and I will buy him things. I feel a big disconnect. I know if this was my sons child i would be so in love and do so much more. When it comes to taking him places, 90% of the time I will leave it upto my husband to do on his own. As i work full time and go to school, and just dont have the energy to deal with the situation. What time and energy i do have goes to my son and husband.

I do know when it comes to parenting my husband and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum. I tend to be very involved in my 15 year old sons life. My husband and I do not nor do we plan on having children together. At times I just feel bad because I know that I give my son so much more than my husband gave his daughter and now his grandson. I know my son is younger and in a different situation, but I can see myself helping my son when he is 21 to a certain extent (in a healthy way) ie if he is in college and needs extra cash. I do work and make my own $$ so the things I provide for my son comes from me. Since my husband would have to provide any extras for his daughter and grandson with his $$ he really doesn't do it. I do feel bad and will get them stuff for the holidays and birthdays, but it goes unnoticed, and I refuse to keep on doing it. For example I bought him a Nintendo dsi last Christmas ($200) and have seen it only once and never again. So I did tell my hubby that he will have to buy them their stuff, which he will, but I'm sure the gifts will not be as nice as The ones I got. So should I just let dead dogs lie, and leave one enough alone.

My priority is my son

I think this statement says it all. Make an influence on the one person that can still benefit, your son. Your husband went from his momma's house to yours (even though he had his own place, it belonged to his mother), your step-daughter went from her mom's house to her grandma's house, now the grandson is being raised by the grandma. There is a pattern that was in place long before you came into the picture. Your MIL is an enabler. Don't become one too. Take care of your son, and mold him into an independent and responsible person. My concern is that he will be influenced by your husband and think that is how a man handles responsibility, by passing it on to his momma.

Don't worry about the 21year old, she's grown, and don't worry about the grandson, because great grandma (the enabler) will make sure he's well taken care of, like she did with your husband before you came along. I think you can have a decent relationship with your step-daughter and your grandson, but just accept it as it is.