Is my BF sabotaging me?

[Felicia 28]

So this has been bugging me for some time and now I'm finally reaching out to see what everyone else thinks.

My BF loves me I know he does I dont doubt that. Anytime I diet, especially this pre-op Liquid Protein diet, he constantly reminds me I am not eating enough. ALL the time. Or he will say just eat this, it won't kill your diet and you will feel better. I tell him listen you might be right that one thing won't kill it but a lot of times having 1 leads to having 100 with me. I can't stop and I end up binging. He constantly berated me on my pre-op diet and finally I gave in on day 14 and had something bad for me. He was actually happy! Yes I was initially happy too, but then I felt horrible and guilty. He knows my feelings, I'm not the type that holds back anything, yet he does this to me everytime. Since that day I have been making numerous mistakes and screwing up. I am back on track today (Day 21 pre-op), which I told him about and said I wasn't going to falter this time no matter what.

I'm starting to think he may be the reason I can't have success losing weight since having my daughter in July of 09. I do have will power, but after 14 days of berating a person I just eat it to shut him up. He tells me I'm not healthy, I'm going to get sick, and on and on and on. I think he does it for himself, not for me. If I feel better then he feels better. What he doesn't realize is how much eating that one thing makes me feel so bad inside. Maybe he does it because he feels guilty for eating good food in front of me, and just tries to convince me to eat it to reduce his guilt.

He is skinny and has always been skinny, he has to actually make sure he eats enough to not lose weight. Does he feel like I'm not eating enough because he eats SO MUCH?

I have no problem talking to him, but I don't know how to make him understand. He has gone to a support group meeting with me but he pissed me off and I asked him to not come anymore. All he did was make jokes and be immature the whole time. He is 30 and I am 26. I am almost sure he did it to make me ask him not to come anymore. Because when I told him how he made me feel, it's like he knew already.

He has made comments like I am going to be a fox when I lose weight and that I will leave him. The other day I said I won't leave you because I'm hot I will leave you because you aren't supporting me through this process. That shut him up but only for the rest of the day. I have tried to explain to him how having my eating problems is like a drug addiction. He has had problems with drugs in the past and has gone to rehab for them. Long before I met him. I have said that him eating donuts or fast food in front of me is like me doing drugs in front of him. I don't do drugs, but I was trying to make him understand. He understood so much better after that for a little while, but then he went back to the same old things again. I don't want to always bring up his past drug addiction to make him understand because I don't think it's fair, but how else can I show him? What should I do ? How would you go about this?

BTW he is the only person besides my mom that I have told about this surgery because I don't want the drama. I will tell everyone after the surgery if they ask but otherwise I want to keep it to myself. My entire family is overweight and they don't think I'm fat so all they do is try and talk me out of things that have to do with weightloss.

Any comments are helpful because I'm really at a loss. I know this is long so Thank You for reading.

[Tiffykins 672]

I can really relate to your post. My husband became the food police, and started offering me little bites of his ice cream or other junk food while I was in the losing stage. I always declined, and then the comments would start. We had to really sit down and talk about my issues. He does NOT understand the need for surgery, even though he was supportive and knew that I was going to lose weight he was NOT prepared for me to get so small. He wanted me to quit losing at around 175lbs, and felt that was small enough.

The comments about leaving him after you lose weight are directly tied to his own insecurities and there's nothing you can do but reassure him that you'd leave due to his behavior whether you were fat or skinny. My husband got really possessive, and would make me uncomfortable in public with his constant need to touch me and "claim" me as his property. He pulled some major b.s. on me once when a man came up and was just being polite by saying "hi, how are you?" He rushed over, slid his arm around my waist, and kissed my forehead. I looked right at him and said "Stop hiking your leg on my thigh!". He was so mad that another man would even speak to me, and it did cause a lot of conflict. What he failed to ever recognize is that I got hit on before even at 270lbs yet he was never intimidated or threatened by other men when I was fat. It was a long road for us, but we communicated and worked through it.

Once I reached goal weight, I continued to lose another 25lbs. It got even worse, and we really had to sit down and talk it out. I had to remind him that I was healthy, that I was not starving myself, that I was eating double the calories and carbs that I ate during my losing stage, and that I was under direct care of multiple doctors. He still to this day tries to get me to eat more because my surgeon believes I need to maintain around 140lbs instead of 125lbs, and that I would not look so thin. So, I made the mistake of taking him with me to an appointment where my surgeon addressed my maintenance weight. I've never been able to live it down, and now with the 30-33lbs weight gain in the pregnancy, and the urging of my ob's to keep my weight around 140lbs once I deliver, it is even worse. He's hidden the scale, he's back to being the food and medication police, every day I hear how much did you eat today, did you take your meds, and Vitamins, did you drink all your Water? Every day it is a battle. At this point, and being over 2 years out, it's a lost battle, he's lost a lot of his possessive tendencies, but the fact that my face and neck has plumped out in the pregnancy, he likes it better. He has a preference for me to be a bit bigger, and a little more fluff, it's just so difficult. I have no magic answers or solutions.

I just want you to know you are not alone, and I wish I had some fabulous solution, but alas, it's a struggle for us even being this far out. It spurs a fight/argument a couple times a week because he knows that I plan on getting back down to my original maintenance weight. He's so mad that I have moved my pregnancy clothes out of the closet and have pulled out all my "tiny" clothes in preparation to wear those again.

[Fusilli66 22]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Making the decision to do it, and then the pre-op diet were hard enough. I can't imagine doing it without the support of my husband. I really feel for your situation. I also commend you for sticking to your guns and continuing. i don't know that I could have. But you are one determined lady and you should be proud of that.

I have read similar posts on here about bf's or husbands who are not supportive and usually its a case of that they feel threatened. He already said as much. I loved your answer to him that you would leave him because of what he's doing and not because you are hot. Perfect answer. I wish I had advice for you on how to handle him, but honestly it sounds like you have already handled him with all the right answers and analogies (especially comparing it to his former drug addition - that is a truly perfect analogy). But you don't seem to be getting through to him. All I can say is that the problem is his and not yours and to just keep on doing what you are doing and what you know you need to do.

Remember, this is your journey, not his, and although it would be nice if he were supportive, you will take the journey with or without him. Best of luck to you!

[Felicia 28]

I'm just going to put up with him for now. When he goes to Mcdonalds when I am in the car and asks what I want, I say nothing thanks. He sometimes keeps going and now I just ignore him. It's not easy but really what is. If I can deal with his crap plus getting sleeved around the holidays everything else will be super easy lol. Thanks for your comments though its nice to know at least I am not alone.

I actually asked him after I wrote this post what the deal was. He said nothing. So I went on to say well you are either scared about the surgery, trying to sabotage me, or you just don't understand weight loss at all. Maybe all of the above. Then I went on to tell him I am going to do this no matter what and that it is important to me. He has been better since then, not great but better.

He might catch on and he might not. Either way I am doing this for me, and I'm not turning back now.

[Kimberlina 18]

I actually just posted my own topic about this. Two days ago I broke it off with my Fiance because he is not supportive. Unfortunately, you can know your own feelings and motives but you can never really known someone else's. Please consider this situation very thoroughly before pushing it under the rug or pretending that it's not happening. You are looking into this surgery because it is a desire of your heart that probably touches you to the core like it does for the rest of us.

IF SOMETHING IS THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU IT SHOULD BE IMPORTANT TO HIM AND HE SHOULD BE TRYING TO UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT HOW YOU FEEL. IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT OR CANNOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO THAT HE IS NOT SOMETHING THAT YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE.

Unfortunately sabotage is very real and it usually comes from a significant other. For me, the choice was very obvious. I AM MORE IMPORTANT AND I AM MORE VALUABLE AND I LOVE MYSELF TOO MUCH TO CONTINUE TO BE IN AN UNSUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIP.

I know that I may be a bit emotional and bias about this considering my circumstances but please please please think long and hard before letting him sabotage the rest of your life...

[gfawcetti 13]

My husband is indifferent... his fear is the chance of something going wrong. Once I get out of surgery & everything is fine he will be super supportive. He is just scared of 'un-necessary' surgery. Of course he is thin, and has never had a weight problem.

I just got my date, Nov 14th, so I am super excited & he doesn't want to talk about it...

Glenna