Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

The stress of Dating



Recommended Posts

Hmmm... so I am just getting to the point where I feel comfortable dating. In fact, a couple weeks ago, I joined a dating site (I didn't date for nearly 10 years while morbidly obese because of self-esteem issues, so this is a big step for me). Now my questions is, can I date a really attractive, hot guy? I seem to find myself wanting to date guys that I would say are less physically attractive than me & who I'm not particularly attracted to. I was contacted by the HOTTEST man in the universe & I told him outright that I thought he was way too good looking for me. I think I must be crazy! Has anyone else had this experience of automatically rejecting what you really want? I know this is related to self-esteem issues, but how the h*ll do you get beyond that?

I'm going to be single forever at this rate :(

Krista

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Think before you respond and know that you DESERVE what you want and nothing less. It is soo much less scary to talk to a hot guy on line than in person so use it to your advantage. Get comfortable talking to him before you meet so you will feel more comfortable.. And remember..Confindence is Sexy. Also, if HE thought he was too good for you, he wouldn't have contacted you in the first place. Not to throw a negative in..but also be careful...there are a lot of scammers on dating sites... watch out for the ones who are working out of country or play on your sympathies with a recently passed spouse or sick child...and if thier english doesn't seem quite right... it's because they are not real.. Trust your instincts.

Good luck, love yourself, be confident!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you want to date a hot guy, go for it. Who knows what attracts two people? Granted, looks initially, but even there tastes vary. Maybe you will find a hot guy who adores you, maybe not, but don't turn anybody down because you think they are too good looking for you or because you think you don't deserve someone good-looking.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Believing that you are worthy of a hot guy regardless of your pant size is the best starting point. I can't say that I understand (I hate saying I understand when I've never experienced it) because I always dated really attractive men. I just didn't date ugly men. It wasn't something I was willing to do.. Now, I will say that I'm pretty demanding in the relationship department so along with good looks, they must be gainfully employed, have no more than 2 children from a previous relationship, and must have their own residence, vehicle and checking account. I don't consider that too high of standards, but others do. I think my husband is pretty hot, others told me when I was fat "I'm not sure how you managed to land such a hot piece of ass, and why he is interested in you considering you're 6 years older with a child???" YES, friends would actually say that to me. My reply was pretty crass and very untrue but I just said "well he thinks I give good h*@d" That shut them up pretty quickly.

So, my biggest advice is to really learn, or start believing that you DESERVE nothing less than EVERYTHING you want in a partner. Be it, great looks, financially stable, well-rounded, comical, laid back, high strung, whatever it is, you deserve it all. Don't get me wrong, my husband is far from perfect, he has a couple of character traits that irk me to no end, but at the end of the day, he is the perfect match for me. Well, except for the fact he's a very Conservative Democrat (if that's even possible) and a Southern Republican. Far too often, I see ALL women settling, and it just irks me to no end. So, start believing that you are worthy of more than society tells you that you deserve.

I had a friend email me this to me years ago when I was struggling with a douchebag of a boyfriend, and we had hit a place in our relationship where I was no longer willing to tolerate some of his issues. I go back and read it occasionally just as a reminder: Sorry for all the page break arrow thingies, it's just how it's formatted and I'm too lazy to fix it! ! !

>>Subject: If A Man Wants U

>>

>>If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

>>If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

>>Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your

>>intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

>>Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not

>>meant to be.

>>Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find

>>what

>>makes you truly happy.

>>If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you

>deserve

>>then heck no, you can't "be friends."

>>A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like

>>he

>is

>>stringing you along, then he probably is.

>>Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at

>>yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

>>The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

>>Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different

>women. He

>>didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you

>>any

>>differently?

>>Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

>>Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers

>>you,

>>speak up. Never let a man know everything.

>>He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's

>>behavior.

>>Change comes from within.

>>Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even

>>if

>he

>>has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a

>quasi-god.

>>He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

>>Never let a man define who you are.

>>Never borrow someone else's man.

>>If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

>>A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

>>All men are NOT dogs.

>>You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two

>>way

>>street.

>>You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute

>about

>>baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

>>You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship

>>consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone

>complimentary...not

>>supplementary.

>>Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

>>Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are,

>>and

>>your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

>>Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.

>(Hallelujah,

>>thank you Jesus!)

>>Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that

>>you

>need.

>>Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

>>Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone smile,

>>another

>>rethink her choices, and another woman prepare

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
So, my biggest advice is to really learn, or start believing that you DESERVE nothing less than EVERYTHING you want in a partner. Be it, great looks, financially stable, well-rounded, comical, laid back, high strung, whatever it is, you deserve it all.

Tiff, thanks for the great words of wisdom. I really needed to hear that now. I'm just getting out of something messy with my room-mate, that is making me feel worthless and that all men ARE DOGS. I need to set higher standards for myself and actually get out in the real world and do something about it. My first step is a weekend away in the mountains to enjoy the fall colors, hike and hot springs. Heck, who knows, maybe I will meet someone......;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Excellent quote and so true. I've lived through it, too. I had to end a "relationship" once I decided to start this process. I didn't need the distractions. Thanks for this thread!

.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bring on the HOT guys! LOL :-) Go for it girl!

Hmmm... so I am just getting to the point where I feel comfortable dating. In fact, a couple weeks ago, I joined a dating site (I didn't date for nearly 10 years while morbidly obese because of self-esteem issues, so this is a big step for me). Now my questions is, can I date a really attractive, hot guy? I seem to find myself wanting to date guys that I would say are less physically attractive than me & who I'm not particularly attracted to. I was contacted by the HOTTEST man in the universe & I told him outright that I thought he was way too good looking for me. I think I must be crazy! Has anyone else had this experience of automatically rejecting what you really want? I know this is related to self-esteem issues, but how the h*ll do you get beyond that?

I'm going to be single forever at this rate :(

Krista

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Krista,

BELIEVE in yourself. I was in a NIGHTMARE relationship and will forever have the guy around, as I had a child with him. I did this weight loss surgery for myself in Aug and have never looked back. 45 pounds down, I feel like a new person. I'm starting to go online to the dating sites and whatnot and am still afraid to write the "cute" people. It's all about how you feel--- an attitude--- you DESERVE it. Whatever it may be in a man.. Go out and get it!!! I hope that philosophy works for me as well one day! Go for it! But again, it all boils down to YOU. Believe in yourself....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I cannot WAIT until I start losing weight, I'm going to sign up for a dating site as soon as I feel confident enough. I tried online dating as a big girl, but I HATED being asked my body type or weight. I used to wish that guys would just meet me first before judging me by numbers. Even with all my chunkiness, I'm still a very pretty girl. I am just ready for my weight to no longer be an issue for me in the dating world.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all for your advice. I'm happy to say that I've allowed myself to believe that there really might be a man out there who can like me for me & not to immediately reject anyone who I find attractive. In fact, I've been dating a very nice man (who I met online) for the past 6 weeks. He knows all about my surgery (which was another fear... how to tell them I used to be morbidly obese & had this crazy surgery. lol). In fact, he himself has a weight problem and can understand the struggle. He is giving the diet and exercise route another try, but has the surgery in the back of his mind, thanks to me. We are using eachother as motivation to get to the gym & be healthy. The hardest thing for me is to realize that people are actually starting to see me & not just the fat girl they never used to be able to look beyond. Amazing how much this surgery can change things!

Krista

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recent Topics

  • Most popular:

  • Recent Status Updates

    • allwet

      Breathe baby breathe
      Where does it go?
      Some of the water produced as the body consumes fat exits in the usual way, through your urine and sweat. But a 2014 study in the British Medical Journal found that most of the byproducts of fat (including all that carbon dioxide) leaves the body through the respiratory system.
      Yep, you read that right. You breathe out the byproducts of most of the fat that you burn, the CO2 from that process mingling with the CO2 produced by your lungs as they process oxygen. It's something to think about while you hit the gym or walk on a track: getting rid of fat can be exhausting, but it's as natural as breathing.
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • JamesL73

      5 days post-op revision from VSG to MGB. Back home, feeling great. No more gas pain. Only minor discomfort in the abdominals, rather like after having done a bunch of sit-ups. Definitely don't feel like eating anything. Don't even have the boredom hunger like I had before. Fluids are going down ok though so that's good. Going back to work tomorrow. Wish me luck.
      · 2 replies
      1. FluffyChix

        Yay congrats!

      2. GreenTealael

        💜 Get Well Soon 💜

    • MandyK

      I'm considering the gastric sleeve; however I have crohn's disease. I'm wondering if anyone with crohn's has had the surgery and can share their thoughts with me.
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • freetobeme

      Behavioral modification is the key... I went to my first session of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and it was incredible! We talked about the purpose behind certain unwanted behaviors as all behavior is developed to serve a purpose, being ready, willing and able, thought mapping (finding the origin/pattern of thought that ultimately contributes to certain unwanted behaviors), and replacing one behavior with another that's as equally rewarding, if not more.
      · 1 reply
      1. FluffyChix

        Awesome job! Love CBT!!!! Keep us updated. You should come post in the General Forum in the "Importance Of Doing The Head Work" thread!!!

    • Enidmagali

      Hi, I’m scheduled for surgery on June, 24. I’m so excited, but nervous at the same time. 
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
  • Trending Topics

  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs
    ×