My dd is 5 1/2 years old. She worships my father and his wife and her step aunts. (they are 14 & 15) She is very impressionable, and my dad let the kids get their belly buttons peirced. At first my DD said she wanted hers done, I told her when she gets older we will see. Now I am makeing her plate for dinner and she tells me she does not want to eat because she want her tummy to be flat. I told her she has a beautiful tummy and why does she want flat. She said that nana said that she needs to shrink her tummy. OHHH I AM PISSED... Not only did she tell a five year old thats she is fat but she told her she needs to quit eating....

I have been working with my dd on healthy eating and working out. She has done great because WE were doing it TOGETHER. she worked out 5 days this week but I have never told her that eating was what made her bigger. She has really never asked why she is bigger than other kids. She is very out going and makes friends with everyone. I guess the reason I am so pissed is because I am worried they are going to give her a complex.

I never felt as if my father accepted me 100 %. He always made stupid comments that really hurt, so in turn I would turn to food. He ran out on us kids several time for months and I think alot of my food issues stem from not having a DAD.

His step kids are little prissy brats who put their goods out for advertisement (which I totally disagree with) but they are skinny and pretty and it hurts so bad for me to see the relationshiip he has with them but never had with me. I just don't want him to treat her different.

My dd is over weight, but she is not out of control. Am I over reacting? I just don't want her to be hurt.

I think that instead of focusing on fat/thick/fluffy whatever, focus on strong. Show your daughter women who are strong, some good examples are the women of the WNBA. Very few of them are skinny women, in fact, most of them are bigger, as they must be strong. Give your daughter role models who aren't Brittney Spears or Nicole Richey, but women who are strong and active. There are so many female athletes out there.

I used to go to the WNBA games all the time with my former step-son, and he started telling me one day about how his friends said his favorite player was fat, and he said "she may not be skinny, but she could kick your a**".

I think that we (society) have decided that women must be skinny to be valued. By teaching your five year old that she can be strong; strong minded, strong valued, strong willed, strong body, you will be doing her the best service of her life.

I was watching Oprah a while back and there was a thing about how 4 year olds are starting to be diagnosed with eating disorders, and it made me so sad.

Ok, I think this could get out of control here. BPM, your point is a good one, and she is taking the proper steps to changing this behavior. She stated that she noticed the eating out of boredom and that they are working out together. She is the one that has to work with her child when it comes to her weight. It is NOT in ANY WAY the grandparents place, unless they are raising the child themselves, to be telling this 5 year old that she is fat and that she should be eating less. they should not even mention her weight. If they have a problem with it they should go to her mom. Period. Yes, the parents are responsible for teaching their children good eating habits. And yes, it is ok to be thick growing up. thick does not mean fat. It means you have a different bone structure. Everyone should not be 120. It doesn't work for all. And she is telling her kid the right thing. Healthy weight is the key. Don't get fat, but don't think that because you are healthy you are fat. This is what she is teaching her child.

It all comes down to who's position it is to tell the child that her eating habits must change. And it is in no way on this planet the grandparents position. It is the parent's part and their's alone. Anyone else telling that child what she should and shouldn't eat should be smacked down hard immediately.

I agree....with most of your post. I guess I respect my parents (grandparents) more than to "smack them down". I'd just talk it over with them rather than create a big full blown incident over the thing.

I think the grandparents had good intentions...just poor execution.

I am not sure why you think this would get out of control....it seems like a pretty normal discussion so far.

LOL I think it could get out of control cause I have been here for a while. I know how this board works.

I am glad you can trust and respect your parents. Smack them down is purely a saying, but I can tell you that I have no trust or respect for my parents. I saw how they raised me, and I saw how they pushed things on my kids when they were younger and allowed around them. I honestly have no respect for parents that think it is ok to let 14 year old get belly button piercings. These are the type of people that do not make wise choices when it comes to raising their own kids. Why should anyone else's chicldren be allowed around them. And this flippant comment to her poor daughter about her being fat and needing to not eat is a great example of it. It should have been handled differently, and they obviously did not have the intelligence to see that. They figured a snide comment to an impressionable 5 year old would shame her enough into backing away from the food. How, in any possible way, could that be good?

I have a different opinion....maybe because I am a guy.

I wish someone would have jerked a knot in my parents butt for creating the eating habits I had as a child...it made me a fat adult.

I think the sooner your daughter knows why she is fat and what the plan is then the better. Lifelong habits form as a child.

I'd be ticked if the parents did that against your wishes as long as it had been discussed prior but if not then it seems like a simple mistake on their part and they probably have no idea that you are this bent out of it.

I wouldn't make a case out of it unless they knew your wishes.

JMO YMMV.

You know I was very taken back by your post. I am all cool with your opinion , and if she was FAT and maybe 12 I can see your point. But No time No or in the Near future will I be telling my child that "she is fat and needs to stop eating to shrink her tummy" My dd has NEVER had an eating out of bordom habit till this summer and when I talked to her Dr. about it I was told quote" She is fine, all kids do this in the summers, Their out of school with nothing to do, she will drop any weight she gains in the fall"

This past spring she played soccer then T-ball. I don't want you to make your assumption that my dd is sitting around playing video games and eating icecream all day. No just the opposite. She is allowed 2 hours of T.v time a day. (usually 1 hour of that is spent at night before bed) and even right now she is outside with her brothers...

And YES it is OK to be thick and healthy!!!! I am no longer healthy, that is why I am on this board and getting surgery. Its thoughts like yours that cause 12 years old to throw up after every meal so they can be a twiggy like there other friends. In case you haven't noticed everyone's body is different. I am 6'2 and in high school I was 190-200 lbs and could whip any guys ass I wanted. I was thick, but healthy. I thank you for your opinion and putting a guys perspective on things, but I don't agree.

As far as her step grandmother goes, no I don't think it was a thought out response in her part. (she's not the smartest fry in the box) But i do think it warents and conversation on my part. I am not going to not let her go over there but we will be having a one on one. I am going to tell them this is MY dd and I will deal with her weight whatever it may be.

Thank you all for the support and ideas that you have given me. I am glad that I am not the only one this bothered....

Jen,

He doesn't represent a Guy's opinion... trust me, just his own.

I think it was bogus. Stand your ground. You sound like a damn good parent!

I agree exactly with Paul.

My point was better explained in his and subsequent posts.

My comments still stand.

And, I'm glad others mentioned that Jen IS a good mom and IS doing the right things...she IS and HAS been teaching good habits to her daughter....

that is what I found offensive about your post BPM...that you insinuated otherwise.

'nuff said.

Wow.

Funny...I guess you were right.

Let me clarify something right from the start...so the pig pile can stop here.....No where in my post did I mean to insinuate she wasn't a good Mom. I don't think that I insinuated that at all...but the fact that so many seem to think so I must have. It wasn't intentional and I still don't agree that I even did.

What I did do is disagree with her....that's life....it's going to happen when you ask for opinions on your personal life on an internet message board......but I sure wouldn't cast that kind of judgement on someone I don't know based on one post. Anybody that knows me knows...my parents raised me better than that.

I see I didn't get the same respect.

I guess I'll know better next time.....but for the record...if anyone took my post....(which was nothing more than a different opinion) as an insinuation that somehow this woman isn't a good mother.....I will say that was not my intention and I am man enought to say that I am sorry.

I would also ask ANY of you......to PM me with the quote out of my posting that implies or states that she isn't.

:eek:

that is what I found offensive about your post BPM...that you insinuated otherwise.

'nuff said.

Could you quote the part of my post where I insinuated she wasn't? You could PM me so we don't continue to pollute her thread.....

What is said to us as children will stay with us our entire lives. Your positive attitude and obvious love of your child will lift her up. The rest of that crap your father and step-mother are feeding her will cause her to insecure for life. I know, I've been there. Your daughter comes first. I'd talk to them and if that doesn't work, they can see her at your house from then on.

OK those "Outlaws" of yours have got me upset as well. I love everyones advice but have to make an observation from my own childhood that could make it even more confusing for you to decide what to do.

When I was a kid my father also was constantly bugging me about my weight and what I ate even when I wasn't overweight. He had a big weight problem and thought he was "doing me a favor" by "encouraging" me not to eat too much so I wouldn't have the same problems as him. My mom finally (like us with your situation) was appalled at his behaviour and was always running around telling everyone to walk on virtual eggshells around me about any possible weight problem I might have or any other issue for that matter. Everytime I saw her or others (after her coaching) I'd get these obviously fake compliments on my clothes, hair, etc. It really gave me a complex that I still struggle with about constantly 2nd guessing wether a compliment is genuine or just a pity comment.

I do think you need to say something but sure don't know what. Sorry, If I've made this even more of a tight-rope walk.

That is disgusting!!!!

It is impossible to calculate how ONE little comment can effect our perceptions of our bodies FOR LIFE. Luckily, she has YOU!

These grandparents are out of line.

Here was my experience:

In junior and high school I weighed in the 120s (5'3). I of course thought that I was fat. I can still remember to this day a time that my grandmother called me "pleasantly plump." Seriously. I wanted to cry. Looking back, there was no plumpness anywhere. I ran cross-country for goodness sake. Of course this woman tormented my mother while she was growing up and my mother never wanted me to feel bad about myself...My mom always told me I was perfect and beautiful. But you know what? I did not believe her. I figured she had to say that stuff...and that my grandmother was telling the truth! My doctor even suggested that I gain 10 pounds (call me paranoid, but..) I thought she was crazy and that my mother had put her up to it!

So, looking back as an adult, I can realize that my grandmother was just projecting her own poor self image onto me. We do have very similar body types. Short, curvy. And I did wish I looked more like my mom...she is 5'9 and kinda lanky. Of course, knowing that does not really fix my image of myself. But I just wanted to say that one comment can truly affect your self image.

I think you should consider shielding your daughter from these types of people. Just because they are related to you does not mean that they are not toxic.

Best wishes,

Olive

Thats sad. It hits home to me. I had a gma that would do that to me. My dad would brush her off as being 'her" as well. She wouldnt let me up from the table til I finished my plate, and the whole time would sit there with her wine and tell me how fat I was, how it was my fault my parents got divorced, and I had to fix all this. Then when I was like 13, I walked in on her telling one of my friends that I was her ugliest fattest grandchild, and she couldnt understand why I was so fat. I was the only one not crying at her funeral. My other gma was the complete opposite, til this day she says I was never fat, and everyone always told her how pretty I was, and how she wishes she had my lips and eyelashes. LOL. The messed up thing is I let the negative mold and shape my confidence and self worth. Now that I am 30, and no longer able to blame my issues on my parents :eek: I try to think of the positive stuff. I feel for your little girl. I dont have kids yet, so I dont know the best way to deal with it with her personally. But I would definetly tell your dad and her nana to watch themselves if they expected to continue to see your DD.

Olive, I have added this line of what you said to my sig: Just because they are related to you does not mean that they are not toxic.

That is so true. I think that alot of us take alot of crap from people who are related to us that we would NEVER tolerate from people who aren't. I mean, if you found out an aquaintance had said something like this to your daughter, I bet you'd be all over it, no hesitation right? I know for me, if my dad were not my dad, I would have no place for someone like him in my life.

is DD a name, or does "my DD" mean something else that I don't know about? Just curious.