Let me preface this by saying that most of the time I am happy with my decision and I'm pleased with my progress. I try really hard to be a supportive and positive voice to everyone I speak to on VST and I mean the things that I say. I wouldn't be concerned about making this post, but I saw another user get read the riot act for being negative a few weeks ago and now I'm not sure if posts like this are acceptable. Anyway, here goes.

Since the surgery, I worry so much about what I've done to myself. I eat so little and I'm losing weight so quickly, it makes me afraid that I've done serious harm to myself. I wonder if for the sake of health and vanity, I've gone too far and am now endangering my life. Will I starve to death? I realize that their are many thriving sleeve patients right here at this forum, but it doesn't make me feel better for some reason. Are we all just in the honeymoon stage? What happens 10 years from now?

There's another thing that's been causing me a lot of worry. I haven't weighed less than 180 lbs in maybe 8-10 years. I don't know how to be thin anymore. Will I feel exposed? It seems stupid, but I'm really terrified of being a skinny person. I'm having a hard time pinpointing what it is that is causing me fear, but I guess losing weight feels like I'm shedding armor. The idea of me being genuinely, really and truly thin seems awkward to me.

Lastly, I'm a believer in fat acceptance and HAES. I follow plus-sized fashion and fat activism blogs and it's important to me that people feel good in their own skin. I feel like a traitor because I couldn't look at myself in the same way that I look at other fats. I feel like I'll have to give that stuff up to avoid feeling like a hypocrite.

That's enough rambling for tonight. Sorry if I'm bringing anyone down.

Don't apologize for expressing your feelings. EVERYTHING you wrote has been felt by the majority of us at one time or another. I remember having the same feelings the first couple of months out and I thought OMG am I ever going to be able to eat a normal meal again. I felt like I lost one of lifes joys (eating great food). Then as I healed and was able to add things back in my diet and it normalized and soon I was able to enjoy my food again and I was able to get down a bit more food instead of just getting 3 bites and feeling done.

Now at 11 months out I am freaking out again because I feel like I am eating too much but when I write it down I realize that my quantity isn't what is making me feel guilty it is the quality of the food I have been eating. I have gained 4 pounds the last two months all because of the grazing and eating pastries, plus my kids are out of school so though we have been busy I havent gotten my running and exercise in.

So I guess what I am saying is that while you have the restriction embrace it, try to commit yourself to the new eating and lifestyle and when you start to be able to get a bit more down dont forget the rules. You will feel more like yourself again soon dont be afraid of starving or harming yourself in the long run. You have made a great choice for your health .

I can honestly say I felt very similar to you in the beginning and I did worry about not eating enough, and losing weight so rapidly, but I felt amazing, and my labs were stellar. Medically, I was healthy, mentally I struggled. However, I can say that your body will stabilize. If you feel like you are not enough because you don't "think" you can, I suggest seeing a nutritionist, and setting a solid meal plan. Get some professional help because well we're all pretty new to all of this in the beginning, and we need help. Gastrectomies have been performed since the 1800's, and people live very normal, fully-functioning lives without their stomachs. You just have to wrap your head around the changes, and learn to feed your body right through the losing stage.

As for the size acceptance, plus size world, I was extremely active in that world as well. I lost friends because they felt that I had shunned the fat world by having surgery. However, I never did anything to make anyone feel like I didn't accept them. What I found is that while I was and still very accepting of the plus size, BBW, size acceptance world, they are not accepting of me when I chose to have surgery to add years to my life, and ensure that I could have a healthy pregnancy and babies in the future. I was shunned for getting "skinny". All while, my main driving force was to gain health. At some point, you have to choose what is best for you and your future. Stay fat and die, or have surgery and gain health. I chose the latter, and I did lose friends because of it, but that was their choice, their issues, not mine.

I did not feel exposed after losing weight. My personality has not changed at all since losing weight. I have always felt that losing weight doesn't have to mean losing myself.

Jackie....I know what you mean and I feel the same way about people embrasing their size and not feeling bad about whatever size you are. I have alot of overweight friends and I could care less what size they are. I see the beauty in the inside.

But the older I get - and the more I see (I am a supervisor in Blood Bank in a hospital lab) sooner or later the weight catches up with you. The weight was creeping up on me a pound here and a pound there....but I am never sick and never miss a days work. Suddenly at 230 and 5'1" I am 45 and my blood pressure gets too high. Next my fasting glucose starts creeping up. Gallbladder forms stones and has to come out. Knees take a pounding and two knee surgeries later I finally made my decision to have the sleeve surgery.

I am just saying that sooner or later your health would not have been as good when you are overweight. That is the simple honest truth.

I am glad I had the surgery. I have a 3 year old and need to stay healthy for the next 20 years

Don't beat yourself up. You are still healing for the first 4 months at least. Sometimes the tired/sad feeling is just from not eating enough and loosing weight and not taking time to rest. Happy thoughts. Breath deep!

I have been comfortable with just being the fat person for so long. I get angry when people treat me any different than anyone else. I love me and I have worked very hard to get where I am in my life and my career. It's going to be a lifestyle change for me and I welcome it. I'm sure it will be difficult, but what in life hasn't been difficult up to this point? I am sure I will lose friends, but in that case they were never friends to start with. I am also sure I will gain friends as well because so many people have problems with fat people, not that I ever wanted these friends before. My biggest goal is to be able to walk into an interview and not be instantly seen as lazy and unemployable. Please always be honest with yourself and others. These feelings we have all had at one time or another and I am glad to have you all here for all the different feelings I am going to have. There is always someone here that understands. Thank You!

I really do hope no one does read you the riot act because all opinions and feelings should be considered and validated.

I remember when I was thin and I remember being able to speak up and stand up for myself all the time because I wasn't afraid about people noticing the fat girl in the room, I think my confidence was my armor then.. It seems to me that my weight has prevented me from doing so much in my life I'm sure you will build up that confidence again and feel great about yourself and start enjoying your new life.

Let me preface this by saying that most of the time I am happy with my decision and I'm pleased with my progress. I try really hard to be a supportive and positive voice to everyone I speak to on VST and I mean the things that I say. I wouldn't be concerned about making this post, but I saw another user get read the riot act for being negative a few weeks ago and now I'm not sure if posts like this are acceptable. Anyway, here goes.

Since the surgery, I worry so much about what I've done to myself. I eat so little and I'm losing weight so quickly, it makes me afraid that I've done serious harm to myself. I wonder if for the sake of health and vanity, I've gone too far and am now endangering my life. Will I starve to death? I realize that their are many thriving sleeve patients right here at this forum, but it doesn't make me feel better for some reason. Are we all just in the honeymoon stage? What happens 10 years from now?

There's another thing that's been causing me a lot of worry. I haven't weighed less than 180 lbs in maybe 8-10 years. I don't know how to be thin anymore. Will I feel exposed? It seems stupid, but I'm really terrified of being a skinny person. I'm having a hard time pinpointing what it is that is causing me fear, but I guess losing weight feels like I'm shedding armor. The idea of me being genuinely, really and truly thin seems awkward to me.

Lastly, I'm a believer in fat acceptance and HAES. I follow plus-sized fashion and fat activism blogs and it's important to me that people feel good in their own skin. I feel like a traitor because I couldn't look at myself in the same way that I look at other fats. I feel like I'll have to give that stuff up to avoid feeling like a hypocrite.

That's enough rambling for tonight. Sorry if I'm bringing anyone down.

I felt the same way and at my first post-op appointment even made this statement to my dr. He said we will not starve to death. We have enough fat reserves and as long as we are eating something, we will be just fine.

I was worried about the 300 calorie a day intake I was getting and he said not to! I would be able to eat again one day and he was right. I am 10 weeks out now and can eat about 700-800 calories a day now. That is much better than I was. I COULD eat a lot more than that if I grazed all day, but I don't.

I also had HUGE issues with losing 1-2 lbs a day like I was for the first couple of weeks. That was so weird for me. He said that was self-sabotage and that thinking was not good for me. I had to surgery to lose weight and here I was thinking it was a bad thing that it was happening. Why would I do that? Isn't that what I wanted? Our minds are weird and like to play with us. Sometimes, we just get in a comfort zone and get freaked out when things change and try to talk ourselves out of that change. I think that is why a lot of us have failed in the past.

You have done great and will continue to do great!! You are not going to starve as long as you eat. And, at about 6 months out, you will be able to enjoy a great balanced meal, just smaller portions of that meal!!

HUGS,

Kelly

Amen to all of the Above! If someone doesn't accept the decision we've made to gain back our LIFE - then heck with them. I'm 56 and wish this had been available 20 years ago. I've wasted a lot of my life hiding indoors, home at 5:05 pm and in my "favorite dress" my nightgown (you know the kind - Lane Bryant or Women Within - really big and comfy). Sit on the couch read a book, crochet, play computer games, watch tv or a DVD....notice all of these are single person activities. I told myself how "happy" I was - how much I enjoyed my quiet time. BULL!!! The fact is - I've felt too obese to go places, visit family, play with the grandkids on the grass, get on my knees, and be anywhere in a situation that someone might look at me and say "what a fat cow".

After being married for 20 years and divorced for 17, I've allowed myself to think I am not worthy of a fella - and so I told myself I CHOOSE to remain single and not let anyone tell me what to do. The fact is - I long for a good friend to share VST with - to share the "I'm ok'you're ok" side of whatever skin you are wearing.

I abhor the term obese...but I have to lose 30 pounds just to qualify. So let me reaffirm that in the 3 weeks or so that I have been attached to this site - I have met more wonderful, encouraging people than I have met my entire life up to this point. YOU are part of the reason I need to get on VST 4 or five times a day. To reassure myself that I am not alone in this endeavor. So if your friends dumped you - get some new ones... we're only a keystroke away.

CHeers to all of you. I can hardly wait for sleevedom!!

Reb (Gardendiva3)

Thank you all so much for your words. It helps more than I can say to know that other people have felt what I'm currently feeling. I will do my best to stop freaking out. I think I wasn't really as mentally prepared as I thought for this huge change. I'm working through that now. Thank again.

I would hope you do not need to worry about a "riot act" for expressing your feelings.I will read a riot act to anyone who does that to you. (j/k)

So much to say here. Honestly, there's no way to "be" then. You just are. And since it will cone gradually, you will adjust gradually. Your concern over this makes me wonder about the genesis of your weight problem. I'd guess your an emotional eater - since your fears of losing weight are very emotionally based - what are your eating triggers? What do you get from food? What does your fat give you? (I know not everyione agrees with this idea, and that's an entirely different post, but I believe 100% that we do things because we get something out of them... and that includes being fat even though we all physically have an ability to not be fat... we are... so I believe that we are for a reason. Usually that reason is control. Sometimes it's security, or protection, or distance. Sometimes its etc etc. Do you know what you get?

If you do, adjustment will be 10000 times easier.

Lastly, I'm a believer in fat acceptance and HAES. I follow plus-sized fashion and fat activism blogs and it's important to me that people feel good in their own skin. I feel like a traitor because I couldn't look at myself in the same way that I look at other fats. I feel like I'll have to give that stuff up to avoid feeling like a hypocrite.

I believe everyone should be comfortable with who they are. Fat, skinny, white, brown, tall, short - whatever. But being overweight is unhealthy and I think it's okay to acknowledge that. It doesn't mean you're a bad person and it doesn't mean you should think less of yourself or others that are fat. It just is.

Ladies after reading all these posts I have to say what an amazing group of women you are. I think fear is something natural to go through and after a lifetime of being heavy I would imagine it would be very scary to see weight literally fall off you. I am having my surgery on Tuesday of this upcoming week and while I am very excited, part of me wishes I didn't have to go to such an extreme measure to get my health back on track. At 41 I see many people come in to the hospital where I work with more and more obesity related issues that are my age. We can't worry that others feel shunned because we want a better quality of life. God did not send His Son to die for us to have us sit in isolation or sadness and certainly not to feel less than. I read a quote once that said never dim your own light because others refuse to let theirs shine. This is a wonderful arena to express ourselves and be honest. Shame on people who give others a hard time when all they want to do is let their feelings out. I am very happy to have found this website because many times I have come here with questions that I didn't think I could ask others so I send out a group hug to every one!!!