Not telling family about surgery?

Band Be Gone · June 20, 2011

I had a lapband in March, 2008. I got pneumonia in May, 2009. Port re-vision in August, 2009. No weight loss and constant vomiting and heart burn for nearly a month, I ended up with a slipped band discovered in October, 2010. My insurance would not cover it and my hospital quoted me $25,000 - $30.000 to take it out/revise. I knew that in January I would obtain new insurance so I waited. As soon as I worked out getting my insurance properly in place, I phoned a different doctor across the state (which happened to be located where I was employed - 1.5 hour commute each way to work, everyday) in February, 2010. He saw me on Friday, and I had surgery on Monday. He took the band out and was going to sleeve me depending on the damage. It was too complicated to sleeve me so he told me to wait 6 months.

Fast forward to June 2011 (another long story why I waited a year+, my husband was in a horrible accident which left him in the hospital for 50 days 1 week after my lapband was removed). I have surgery scheduled on June 28th. I have my husband's full support. I am TERRIFIED to tell anyone about another WLS after my family and friends watched me go through such a nightmare with the lapband. Keep in mind, I told everyone about the lapband, and tried to educate them as to why I was doing this for myself & it... well, quite frankly backfired. I got the "I told you shouldn't have, yada yada ya speeches".

I will tell my 3 teenage children when the time is right, I just don't want them to worry about me because of what they witnessed between their mother and father and health issues over the past year.

Should I keep it from friends or extended family who just won't understand? Has anyone been in these shoes before? The weight will come off, and I'm just sick about thinking of telling lies to the people who love me when they ask how I lost it. But I still don't think they'll get it. Any advice would be great.

Love this site, I have learned so much from you all. Thank you.

Tiffykins · June 20, 2011

I wouldn't tell them until after. You don't need the naysayers in my opinion. You've been through enough in my opinion, and need support more than anything ! ! ! Best wishes on your sleeve.

Band Be Gone · June 20, 2011

I wouldn't tell them until after. You don't need the naysayers in my opinion. You've been through enough in my opinion, and need support more than anything ! ! ! Best wishes on your sleeve.

Thank you for your response, can I get away with not telling them at all? What do you think? Play it by ear?

boots1 · June 20, 2011

I am getting my sleeve July 27th in Mexico. I've only told my kids, parents (don't know it is next month, just some time) and my 2 sisters. When I reach my goal weight, I will proudly tell anyione that asks, especially another overweight person, Firstly I am a very private person and secondly, I dont want the added pressure and thirdly ultimately this is my decision.

Good luck to you and if the decision doesn't affect them personally it is none of their business.

readytolive · June 20, 2011

My husband had a lap band in 2007 and it took about 2 years but he lost about 100lbs. Then we waited another year before we told anyone and still his parents do not know. He didn't want the nay sayers and of course there have been a few .. "he could still gain it back" comments. He hasn't gained any of it back or regretted his decision. I am about to get the sleeve next month and am going to try like heck not to tell anyone but it's really hard not to share what is going on in your life with family and friends. I figure I will tell them after I lose the weight.

NEWLEASEONLIFE · June 20, 2011

I was sleeved June 1st.

I have told no one other than my husband, 15 and 16 yr old children, mother, and sister.

I do not want people talking about me.

I do not need need negative, jealous people watching me.

I might tell when I'm ready---probably after I have lost all the weight.

Almost three weeks after surgery and I have lost 33 pounds. My appetite has changed. Daily I realize how I used to eat because of mental hunger and not physical hunger. I feel so much better with just this amount of weight gone. Walking is so much more fun. I need to work on my flexibility and can't wait to get started on making my body stronger.

readytolive · June 20, 2011

33lbs in just 3 weeks??? Wow! That is fantastic! How are you doing with the post op diet? I'm just discussing with my husband that I'm not supposed to eat for 3 days prior surgery and then the post op plan and it seems it will be 1 month without solid food! I too have the mental hunger problem, would love to hear how the sleeve has helped with that or if you are doing something else that is. Keep posting.. would love to follow your progress. I'm scheduled for mid July.

Tiffykins · June 20, 2011

Thank you for your response, can I get away with not telling them at all? What do you think? Play it by ear?

I would play it by ear. I'm a pretty confrontational person even with family. As much as you want to tell them, I really think you deserve to go into the sleeve with nothing but love and support.

After surgery, the weight is going to come off, you're going to feel better, you're going to be able to "show" them through your success that you are not a failure, and avoid the " I told you so" conversations.

If it comes up, and people question the "why didn't tell me/us", remind them without hesitation that their past comments and behaviors toward you were not welcomed nor warranted. It is, above all, most important that you go into any type of surgery without a heavy heart, and a clear mind so you can focus on you and your recovery. In my opinion, with family like that, you don't need enemies, nor the stress that comes with all of their judgment.

I also don't feel like you are lying. You are protecting yourself. While others may consider it lying, I see it as volunteering information. If they ask point blank "how are you losing weight so fast?", you can of course tell them that you chose to move forward with another surgery under your doctor's recommendation, and supervision and leave it at that. Unless they could benefit from having sleeve surgery themselves, leave the details out, tell them you are happy, pleased, and moving forward with your medical team's required program, and the rest of the details are not important. Change the subject, or walk away.

I am usually very pro-shouting it from the rooftops that someone chooses WLS, or not "hide" their decision. But, in your situation, I honestly believe that your situation calls for some discretion.

Beadingnurse · June 20, 2011

I would not tell until after the surgery and maybe not even then. I am currently on vacation and seeing family that I thought would give me the third degree about my weight loss as I am about 40 lbs lighter since they saw me a year ago. Most have just told me that I "look great" without seeming to know why (men); a few women have told me that I look great and that I have lost weight but no one has questioned me beyond a superficial level. It is also only 40 lbs...not 125 lbs which would be much more obvious. Even my husbands brother who is a self described health nut and rabidly anti all surgery has been fine.I am greatly relieved and realize people are more interested in their own lives and stories and don't notice us as much as we think!

thinoneday · June 20, 2011

I didn't tell my mom/family until about 3/4 months later. My mom is a nay sayer and she would have had me dead and buried before the surgery already, so i didn't tell her at all. . . then she made plans to come visit, well by then i would have lost tons of weight, so i told her then, and of course she buried me. . . hehehe. . . no if your family is like that I agree with Tiffy and wouldn't tell them, just do it and done. . . it's great that hubbie is supportive. . hope he's doing ok now. . . good luck and keep us posted.

treequeen · June 20, 2011

You can keep it hidden as long as you want to. If they ask how you are losing you can tell them you are tracking all of your intake, calories, Protein, carbs etc... and that won't be a lie.

Band Be Gone · June 22, 2011

I would play it by ear. I'm a pretty confrontational person even with family. As much as you want to tell them, I really think you deserve to go into the sleeve with nothing but love and support.

After surgery, the weight is going to come off, you're going to feel better, you're going to be able to "show" them through your success that you are not a failure, and avoid the " I told you so" conversations.

If it comes up, and people question the "why didn't tell me/us", remind them without hesitation that their past comments and behaviors toward you were not welcomed nor warranted. It is, above all, most important that you go into any type of surgery without a heavy heart, and a clear mind so you can focus on you and your recovery. In my opinion, with family like that, you don't need enemies, nor the stress that comes with all of their judgment.

I also don't feel like you are lying. You are protecting yourself. While others may consider it lying, I see it as volunteering information. If they ask point blank "how are you losing weight so fast?", you can of course tell them that you chose to move forward with another surgery under your doctor's recommendation, and supervision and leave it at that. Unless they could benefit from having sleeve surgery themselves, leave the details out, tell them you are happy, pleased, and moving forward with your medical team's required program, and the rest of the details are not important. Change the subject, or walk away.

I am usually very pro-shouting it from the rooftops that someone chooses WLS, or not "hide" their decision. But, in your situation, I honestly believe that your situation calls for some discretion.

Tiffykins:

Thank you so much, sincerely! I appreciate your advice. I have learned a lot from you on other posts and I appreciate you sharing your experiences. I just can't wait to be as successful as you and other sleevers someday.

Today I had to tell my co-worker that I couldn't work on a project next week because I'd be off of work for 4 days next week. I had been going to so many doctor appointments, she asked if everything was alright (It's just a REALLY bad time to take off of work right now, but I have waited long enough and I'm doing this). Of course, I said I have some personal issues to take care of. She pryed more and asked if I needed surgery, I said yes. Now I regret saying that, they will put it all together. This is not a co-worker that I'm even close with. I have a mouth that just spills things out!

I'll see my family about 20 days after surgery for a big party for my father. I won't be eating or drinking there, awkward.....

Anyways, thanks for taking the time, I appreciate it.

Band Be Gone · June 22, 2011

I am getting my sleeve July 27th in Mexico. I've only told my kids, parents (don't know it is next month, just some time) and my 2 sisters. When I reach my goal weight, I will proudly tell anyione that asks, especially another overweight person, Firstly I am a very private person and secondly, I dont want the added pressure and thirdly ultimately this is my decision.

Good luck to you and if the decision doesn't affect them personally it is none of their business.

Thank you for your post. We are getting surgery 1 day apart. Good luck to you too.

Band Be Gone · June 22, 2011

You can keep it hidden as long as you want to. If they ask how you are losing you can tell them you are tracking all of your intake, calories, Protein, carbs etc... and that won't be a lie.

This is what my husband's suggestion was too. I hope this will work, I have told family and friends so many times that I'm watching portions, calories, adding protein, etc. and I have lost weight, then gain & feel like a failure. This time, THEY will be shocked that it worked this time! LOL. Thanks for the help.

Band Be Gone · June 22, 2011

I didn't tell my mom/family until about 3/4 months later. My mom is a nay sayer and she would have had me dead and buried before the surgery already, so i didn't tell her at all. . . then she made plans to come visit, well by then i would have lost tons of weight, so i told her then, and of course she buried me. . . hehehe. . . no if your family is like that I agree with Tiffy and wouldn't tell them, just do it and done. . . it's great that hubbie is supportive. . hope he's doing ok now. . . good luck and keep us posted.

Thanks, yes he's doing remarkably ahead of schedule (he has a long way to go, but doing so good). I gained 50 lbs. in one year sitting in the hospital, stress eating, taking care of everyone but me. But now it's my turn, all are well and I'm really trying to get this weigh off once and for all.