Not telling family about surgery?

[Band Be Gone 0]

I would not tell until after the surgery and maybe not even then. I am currently on vacation and seeing family that I thought would give me the third degree about my weight loss as I am about 40 lbs lighter since they saw me a year ago. Most have just told me that I "look great" without seeming to know why (men); a few women have told me that I look great and that I have lost weight but no one has questioned me beyond a superficial level. It is also only 40 lbs...not 125 lbs which would be much more obvious. Even my husbands brother who is a self described health nut and rabidly anti all surgery has been fine.I am greatly relieved and realize people are more interested in their own lives and stories and don't notice us as much as we think!

You're right, maybe people are interested in their own thing and I'm over-thinking or worrying about this. Best of luck to you. Enjoy your vacation.

[Band Be Gone 0]

I was sleeved June 1st.

I have told no one other than my husband, 15 and 16 yr old children, mother, and sister.

I do not want people talking about me.

I do not need need negative, jealous people watching me.

I might tell when I'm ready---probably after I have lost all the weight.

Almost three weeks after surgery and I have lost 33 pounds. My appetite has changed. Daily I realize how I used to eat because of mental hunger and not physical hunger. I feel so much better with just this amount of weight gone. Walking is so much more fun. I need to work on my flexibility and can't wait to get started on making my body stronger.

Congrats to you on your weight loss. I have the same goals to get strong and increase flexibility. Best of luck to you.

[Band Be Gone 0]

My husband had a lap band in 2007 and it took about 2 years but he lost about 100lbs. Then we waited another year before we told anyone and still his parents do not know. He didn't want the nay sayers and of course there have been a few .. "he could still gain it back" comments. He hasn't gained any of it back or regretted his decision. I am about to get the sleeve next month and am going to try like heck not to tell anyone but it's really hard not to share what is going on in your life with family and friends. I figure I will tell them after I lose the weight.

Good luck to you and your WLS. Congrats to your husband on 100 lbs! Thanks for your post.

[mnbsleeve 87]

Hi Band!!

I have to chime in and tell you that I am in my late forties and I have learned alot over the years. When I was younger I dealt with infertility. Pretty much everyone felt that it was acceptable to ask me what I was doing, how long I would do it, was I pregnant yet? etc. They also felt compelled to share what they would and wouldn't do and why it was wrong, too long, just right etc. When my husband and I were adopting, even strangers that needed to be involved for paperwork reasons, felt free to ask why we were adopting, could we not have "our own," why not a baby, will we have more.... Later, are they your "real" children. I'm not sure why people give themselves permission to ask such intrusive, inappropriate questions; why some topics, or mayby certain people, seem no holds bard to them. Does one ask people, acquaintances or co-workers, even strangers and sometimes family how much money they saved, why they bought a new car and could they afford it or how they financed it? How oftent hey have sex, and is it enjoyable .... you get the picture. Equally, it is NOT appropropriate to ask people how much weight they lost, how they did it, why they did it, or anything else. It is especially wrong to "monday morning quarter back." I have no trouble very simply, and as respectfully as I can, to let these folks know that frankly their questions are quite intrusive and completely inappropriate. I help them see their lack of boundaries and vulgarity. . I have no trouble asking them what in the world makes them think they could ask such an intrusive question. I let them know I feel comfortable being this straight forward and honest since they felt comfortable enough to take the conversation to that realm; so intimate and private. I vary my responses accoring to the situation but they are mostly in that range. I don't feel bad "making them feel bad" because they are the ones that need to check themselves and raise their awareness. I know this sounds intense but it's not so much an issue of word as much as it is my own personal mind set, knowing and owning that this is MY business. They have NO right aking ANYTHING like that and I don't owe explanations. I choose who I tell what and when and if ever. And when someone pulls and "I told you so"... which frankly I don't really care since usually I didn't ask, I take it for what it is: a sign of lacking focus on their own personal issues or struggles, which I'm sure they have. We all have to tend to our own garden! :-) (I've been known to point that out as well :-) i.e., I'm sure you have better things to worry about). Good luck with this. Good job taking care of yourself and following up on your dreams!!!!!!!!!!!! I look forward to reading about your progress on the loosers bench!!! :-)

[mnbsleeve 87]

Sorry I wanted to add one more thing. I don't think keeping personal boundaries is telling lies.

Hi Band!!

I have to chime in and tell you that I am in my late forties and I have learned alot over the years. When I was younger I dealt with infertility. Pretty much everyone felt that it was acceptable to ask me what I was doing, how long I would do it etc. They also felt compelled to share what they would and wouldn't do and why it was wrong, too long, just right etc. When my husband and I were adopting, even strangers that needed to be involved for paperwork reasons, felt free to ask why we were adopting, could we not have "our own," why not a baby, will we have more.... Later, are they your "real" children. I'm not sure why people give themselves permission to ask such intrusive, inappropriate questions; why some topics, or mayby certain people, seem no holds bard to them. Does one ask people, acquaintances or co-workers, even strangers and sometimes family how much money they saved, why they bought a new car and could they afford it or how they financed it? How oftent hey have sex, and is it enjoyable .... you get the picture. Equally, it is NOT appropropriate to ask people how much weight they lost, how they did it, why they did it, or anything else. It is especially wrong to "monday morning quarter back." I have no trouble very simply, and as respectfully as I can, to let these folks know that frankly their questions are quite intrusive and completely inappropriate. I help them see their lack of boundaries and vulgarity. . I have no trouble asking them what in the world makes them think they could ask such an intrusive question. I let them know I feel comfortable being this straight forward and honest since they felt comfortable enough to take the conversation to that realm; so intimate and private. I vary my responses accoring to the situation but they are mostly in that range. I don't feel bad "making them feel bad" because they are the ones that need to check themselves and raise their awareness. I know this sounds intense but it's not so much an issue of word as much as it is my own personal mind set, knowing and owning that this is MY business. They have NO right aking ANYTHING like that and I don't owe explanations. I choose who I tell what and when and if ever. And when someone pulls and "I told you so"... which frankly I don't really care since usually I didn't ask, I take it for what it is: a sign of lacking focus on their own personal issues or struggles, which I'm sure they have. We all have to tend to our own garden! :-) (I've been known to point that out as well :-) i.e., I'm sure you have better things to worry about). Good luck with this. Good job taking care of yourself and following up on your dreams!!!!!!!!!!!! I look forward to reading about your progress on the loosers bench!!! :-)

[Lakelady 2]

I've only told my husband and one friend who recently had WLS. I didn't tell people because I didn't want to justify surgery at such a "low" BMI. I get lots of attention for all the weight lost but I try to avoid talking about it. My friends went from irritated that I wouldn't eat the type and volume of food that I used to with them (social eater here!) to actually being really excited for me when the weight came off. Nobody really notices how very very small my portions are because I don't call attention to it. I know I "should" tell people but I don't want to. No two piece swimming suits for me because of the scars.

[readytolive 1]

Congratulations for losing weight! People find it so easy to judge but until you have walked around for years with a bunch of extra weight, trying everything else to get if off.. they don't have a right to judge. I will be thrilled in a one piece swim suit but curious, what are the scars like? My husband had six little scars after lap band but they are pretty much invisible now... 4 years later.

I've only told my husband and one friend who recently had WLS. I didn't tell people because I didn't want to justify surgery at such a "low" BMI. I get lots of attention for all the weight lost but I try to avoid talking about it. My friends went from irritated that I wouldn't eat the type and volume of food that I used to with them (social eater here!) to actually being really excited for me when the weight came off. Nobody really notices how very very small my portions are because I don't call attention to it. I know I "should" tell people but I don't want to. No two piece swimming suits for me because of the scars.

[Band Be Gone 0]

Very well written! Thank you for sharing your experiences with infertility and people's unbelievable comments. Where and when do the questions and proding end? Thank you for the advice, you are certainly a strong person and have given me a lot to think about as I will be asked how I lost the weight, or why I was off work. You are right, it's not lying is it?

Thanks, I feel much better about keeping this from my family & friends and keeping it "private". This IS my business and how I lose the weight is MINE. Thanks, again.

Hi Band!!

I have to chime in and tell you that I am in my late forties and I have learned alot over the years. When I was younger I dealt with infertility. Pretty much everyone felt that it was acceptable to ask me what I was doing, how long I would do it, was I pregnant yet? etc. They also felt compelled to share what they would and wouldn't do and why it was wrong, too long, just right etc. When my husband and I were adopting, even strangers that needed to be involved for paperwork reasons, felt free to ask why we were adopting, could we not have "our own," why not a baby, will we have more.... Later, are they your "real" children. I'm not sure why people give themselves permission to ask such intrusive, inappropriate questions; why some topics, or mayby certain people, seem no holds bard to them. Does one ask people, acquaintances or co-workers, even strangers and sometimes family how much money they saved, why they bought a new car and could they afford it or how they financed it? How oftent hey have sex, and is it enjoyable .... you get the picture. Equally, it is NOT appropropriate to ask people how much weight they lost, how they did it, why they did it, or anything else. It is especially wrong to "monday morning quarter back." I have no trouble very simply, and as respectfully as I can, to let these folks know that frankly their questions are quite intrusive and completely inappropriate. I help them see their lack of boundaries and vulgarity. . I have no trouble asking them what in the world makes them think they could ask such an intrusive question. I let them know I feel comfortable being this straight forward and honest since they felt comfortable enough to take the conversation to that realm; so intimate and private. I vary my responses accoring to the situation but they are mostly in that range. I don't feel bad "making them feel bad" because they are the ones that need to check themselves and raise their awareness. I know this sounds intense but it's not so much an issue of word as much as it is my own personal mind set, knowing and owning that this is MY business. They have NO right aking ANYTHING like that and I don't owe explanations. I choose who I tell what and when and if ever. And when someone pulls and "I told you so"... which frankly I don't really care since usually I didn't ask, I take it for what it is: a sign of lacking focus on their own personal issues or struggles, which I'm sure they have. We all have to tend to our own garden! :-) (I've been known to point that out as well :-) i.e., I'm sure you have better things to worry about). Good luck with this. Good job taking care of yourself and following up on your dreams!!!!!!!!!!!! I look forward to reading about your progress on the loosers bench!!! :-)

[Band Be Gone 0]

Nicely written! Thank you for sharing your experience with infertility and the unbelievable comments that people actually say. You sound like a strong woman and have given me a lot to arm myself with when the questions come to me about how lost the weight, and why I'm taking off time from work, etc.

I feel confident in my decision to keep this from family and friends. You're right, It is not lying, it is MY business. Thanks for your insight and experiences. I do HOPE to see you on the loosers bench soon. My gosh, just 5 more days till surgery.

BBG

Hi Band!!

I have to chime in and tell you that I am in my late forties and I have learned alot over the years. When I was younger I dealt with infertility. Pretty much everyone felt that it was acceptable to ask me what I was doing, how long I would do it, was I pregnant yet? etc. They also felt compelled to share what they would and wouldn't do and why it was wrong, too long, just right etc. When my husband and I were adopting, even strangers that needed to be involved for paperwork reasons, felt free to ask why we were adopting, could we not have "our own," why not a baby, will we have more.... Later, are they your "real" children. I'm not sure why people give themselves permission to ask such intrusive, inappropriate questions; why some topics, or mayby certain people, seem no holds bard to them. Does one ask people, acquaintances or co-workers, even strangers and sometimes family how much money they saved, why they bought a new car and could they afford it or how they financed it? How oftent hey have sex, and is it enjoyable .... you get the picture. Equally, it is NOT appropropriate to ask people how much weight they lost, how they did it, why they did it, or anything else. It is especially wrong to "monday morning quarter back." I have no trouble very simply, and as respectfully as I can, to let these folks know that frankly their questions are quite intrusive and completely inappropriate. I help them see their lack of boundaries and vulgarity. . I have no trouble asking them what in the world makes them think they could ask such an intrusive question. I let them know I feel comfortable being this straight forward and honest since they felt comfortable enough to take the conversation to that realm; so intimate and private. I vary my responses accoring to the situation but they are mostly in that range. I don't feel bad "making them feel bad" because they are the ones that need to check themselves and raise their awareness. I know this sounds intense but it's not so much an issue of word as much as it is my own personal mind set, knowing and owning that this is MY business. They have NO right aking ANYTHING like that and I don't owe explanations. I choose who I tell what and when and if ever. And when someone pulls and "I told you so"... which frankly I don't really care since usually I didn't ask, I take it for what it is: a sign of lacking focus on their own personal issues or struggles, which I'm sure they have. We all have to tend to our own garden! :-) (I've been known to point that out as well :-) i.e., I'm sure you have better things to worry about). Good luck with this. Good job taking care of yourself and following up on your dreams!!!!!!!!!!!! I look forward to reading about your progress on the loosers bench!!! :-)

[AutumnBlueCarmen 4]

I am hoping to schedule my sleeve surgery mid July...already had a band surgery scheduled for Thur, July 21 and changed my mind. I'm hoping insurance passes and all will be the same and I can move my surgery to July 22 when my doc does sleeves on Fridays. I DO NOT PLAN to tell anyone. I have already told the few I'm telling and they include my husband and two very close friends. One who did give me a hard time about it not being healthy and she loves me the way I am....and the other friend who currently has the band and encouraged me after having issues to change to a "permanent" surgery.

I just moved to TX and have made a few friends now, but I have learned over the past few months that a few of my new friends are very JUDGMENTAL and I will not tell them at all. I am a soda-aholic and I will be only telling them that I am low carbing and cut out all soda. Which will not be a lie....but OMG....I can only imagine some of the horrible things they would say behind my back. I know this sounds like I should no longer be friends with them...but I'm kind of stuck for now with them and probably forever...because one of the two lives directly next door. Our front doors are 15 ft from each other. In addition...I will not be telling my sister, mother, brother or any other relatives besides my sweet hubby who knows how being overweight has affected me my whole life.

So, I agree with the others....it is not lying to keep this from them. This is FOR YOU and not for them!!! Good luck! Carmen

[Band Be Gone 0]

Carmen:

The decision is yours about switching from lap band to sleeve, I hope it's covered for you. Personally, what I went through, I'd NEVER do it again. Last time I did the band, I included my close friends and family. A lot of their reactions were like the ones you've gotten, I think out of worry and not knowing. Most of them never had weight issues as well and couldn't phathom what I was doing to my body. In the long run, I got the pity party when it was time for the "I told you so".

I had surgery on Tuesday for the sleeve. So far the recovery has been much better than that of my lap band revision surgery. I went in very hydrated as I prepared w/ my pre-op diet. Stuck to my pre-op like glue. This has helped. I had some nausea yesterday but I feel really good tonight.

Best of luck to you. Keep me posted on your surgery decision and hope it goest through for you, insurance-wise.

BBG

I am hoping to schedule my sleeve surgery mid July...already had a band surgery scheduled for Thur, July 21 and changed my mind. I'm hoping insurance passes and all will be the same and I can move my surgery to July 22 when my doc does sleeves on Fridays. I DO NOT PLAN to tell anyone. I have already told the few I'm telling and they include my husband and two very close friends. One who did give me a hard time about it not being healthy and she loves me the way I am....and the other friend who currently has the band and encouraged me after having issues to change to a "permanent" surgery.

I just moved to TX and have made a few friends now, but I have learned over the past few months that a few of my new friends are very JUDGMENTAL and I will not tell them at all. I am a soda-aholic and I will be only telling them that I am low carbing and cut out all soda. Which will not be a lie....but OMG....I can only imagine some of the horrible things they would say behind my back. I know this sounds like I should no longer be friends with them...but I'm kind of stuck for now with them and probably forever...because one of the two lives directly next door. Our front doors are 15 ft from each other. In addition...I will not be telling my sister, mother, brother or any other relatives besides my sweet hubby who knows how being overweight has affected me my whole life.

So, I agree with the others....it is not lying to keep this from them. This is FOR YOU and not for them!!! Good luck! Carmen

[5McK 10]

I recently made the decision that I wanted to be sleeved after months of research. The only person I've talked to about this decision is my husband. While I was scared (embarrassed) to tell him, he has been 100% supportive of the decision. I will be going on July 5th to the seminar by the doctor I've chosen. I don't plan to tell anyone what I'm doing. I too have bragged about diets only to have them blow up in my face. I don't need anyone judging me, I have enough of that in other areas. Everyone's words on here have just bolstered that decision to keep this private.

While I don't comment much, I do read so many of these forums and all your words have been a tremendous help and source of hope for me.

[Coookies 12]

Hi Band,

First of all, Tiffykins advice is dead on!!

I did my surgery on April 14th... I had only told 2 very close friends, just in case.... Just this week I ended up telling 2 more people whom I am very close with because I am visiting their house in another country, and I know that they would wonder about my new eating habits.. I explained everything to them.. I consider them my surrogate mother and sister... The mother asked a bunch of questions and was very curious about my reasoning, but she has been so very supportive.. they even took me shopping for new clothes to shrink into.. Anyway, my point is, you don't need to tell people.. Only your husband and any friend that you can really trust should suffice.. NOT one single person in my whole family knows about my surgery, and frankly I trust my friends to keep it secret more than I trust my family... My friends know how hard I've struggled to lose weight for so long, they support my decision, ask questions often, inquire about how I'm doing with my diet and exercise, and help keep me motivated... They are also vital to have around if you plan on going out to restaurants cuz they can finish my food .. So, tell people who you are comfortable with, and be sure to tell them that you would like to keep this a secret until you are ready to share it with more people. I too am a very private person, and most of the people you tell will judge you and talk about you behind your back.. If you can't deal with that, then just tell your hubby and nobody else.

I'm glad your surgery went well and that you are doing fine!!!

[jasleeve 440]

AWESOME!!! only word that could come to mind. stay blessed<3

I was sleeved June 1st.

I have told no one other than my husband, 15 and 16 yr old children, mother, and sister.

I do not want people talking about me.

I do not need need negative, jealous people watching me.

I might tell when I'm ready---probably after I have lost all the weight.

Almost three weeks after surgery and I have lost 33 pounds. My appetite has changed. Daily I realize how I used to eat because of mental hunger and not physical hunger. I feel so much better with just this amount of weight gone. Walking is so much more fun. I need to work on my flexibility and can't wait to get started on making my body stronger.

[jasleeve 440]

im attending my seminar on july 5th as well. maybe we will be sleeve twins & have surgery on the same day! lol

I recently made the decision that I wanted to be sleeved after months of research. The only person I've talked to about this decision is my husband. While I was scared (embarrassed) to tell him, he has been 100% supportive of the decision. I will be going on July 5th to the seminar by the doctor I've chosen. I don't plan to tell anyone what I'm doing. I too have bragged about diets only to have them blow up in my face. I don't need anyone judging me, I have enough of that in other areas. Everyone's words on here have just bolstered that decision to keep this private.

While I don't comment much, I do read so many of these forums and all your words have been a tremendous help and source of hope for me.