Ok so here is the skinny on my current situation.

• I'm on the states waiting list, and they will pay for the surgery everything included at a hospital near my house. The catch is that I have to wait at least a year, maybe more. There is no way to know where I am on the list or how long my wait will be. There is no one to call and no one to talk to. I tried calling different places and I even went to the hospital and got the same answer of just wait. They will send me a letter when they are ready for me.
  
• I can go to France and have the surgery done for about 6,000€ this included plane tickets and hotel stay for 2.
  
• I can have the surgery done here in Portugal with the same doctor who will do it for free on the states tab (he works for the state and he also has a private practice) He will do it in his private clinic for about 8,000€ and I can have it done next month. I haven't asked about payment plans or any thing like that yet, but I intend to. I have a consultation appointment with him on the 29th.

About the family:

• My father in law is totally excited about this and even though the surgery cost so much he said "we will see what we can do". He was the one that suggested I go ahead and go in for a consultation with the surgeon rather then waiting for the state to send me in. The surgeon is a friend of my husband's uncle and he will probably make some allowances for me (give me a discount or let me make payments etc.) The doctor even tried to skip me up the state list but he couldn't do it, they are cracking down on that kind of stuff I guess.
  
• My husband is totally against paying for it any where or in any way because the state will pay for it. He said I've been fat for this long, what's another year. I work 2 jobs and make my own money, we aren't rich, but we aren't hurting for it either. I could afford it with my salary alone. With out even touching his money. However this is less money in savings for a new house...etc. (mind you when we bought this house we are in now, we spent 7,000€ to remodel the kitchen and 5,000€ for custom desks to be built in the office.) So it's not like he hasn't spend big amounts before.

Any way, I guess I'm looking for reassurment or looking for something....I don't know, some one to agree with me. Every one thinks I'm crazy for wanting to spend 8,000€ when I can get it for free if I wait....but its so hard to wait when you know there is something there that can help you, besides we aren't guaranteed tomorrow.....what if I die next year when I could have lived this year happier and healthier?

Wow, that is a tough one! I am an "instant gratification" kinda person, so I personally would go for the one next month. or maybe the one in France. Except that brings up the whole question of fills, etc. Does the cost include fills, or would those be extra?

Here is a question, are you experiencing co-mobidities? They could get considerably worse in a year.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I agree with you! My situation is similar to yours and sounds like our cheapsake husbands were separated at birth. I told my dh to consider it an investment cuz our grocery bill will probably go down at least half of what it normally is. Not only because my portions will be smaller but I am limiting everyone elsdes processed/junk food.

I say go for it! If the money is not an issue. All bills can still be paid and you will not go into debt...just do it! A year is a very long time. I have gained about 25 lbs just waiting around these last 3 months for mine...I told dh if I dont get it done soon I will just have more to lose when I do.

I also could have waited and tried to fight my insurance who WILL pay for a RNY but not a lap-band which could have taken months, or I could have waited a year and tried to get my fiance's insurance to pay for it.

I didn't want to wait because I'm about a year and 1/2 away from graduating and trying to get a job. No one wants to hire fat people! This was a serious concern for me, so I took out more of a student loan and paid about $11,000 for mine. I think in the long run I will make up the money with a better job.

You just need to sit down and run the pros and cons. I had a source where I could get the money without hurting my current financial situation for bills, etc. Your age, weight or goals may encourage you to skip the wait and spend the money.

Kristin

Well, since the options have changed a little, I say #3 - GO FOR IT!

I can have the surgery done here in Portugal with the same doctor who will do it for free on the states tab (he works for the state and he also has a private practice) He will do it in his private clinic for about 8,000€ and I can have it done next month. I haven't asked about payment plans or any thing like that yet, but I intend to. I have a consultation appointment with him on the 29th.

I know you want his "permission" to do this. I hate doing things against my hubbys will. I learned my lesson about this years ago.

Think your FIL could "talk" to him?

And this isnt just for YOU. Wonder if he realizes that he's gonna benefit from it as well?

My husband is totally against paying for it any where or in any way because the state will pay for it. He said I've been fat for this long, what's another year.

Had I been in that situation, I would've given him the old one-finger salute. Screw him. A year from now, you could have diabetes, sleep apnea, and high blood pressure.

I think you should do it, but it will be hard not to have the support of your hubby. Have you had a heart to heart with him and told him how you are feeling mentally and physically? If you are going to do it anyway, I'd tell him outright that you expect his love and support.

If you spend the 8 grand now you could be a totally new person by the time your name would have come up on the public list. I wouldnt hesitate to spend the money and have it done privately if I could afford to. That's a whole year of your life (or more) and you only get a limited amount of them. Why waste a whole precious year waiting?

Here's another take on the situation, for what it's worth.

A common problem among overweight people is that we don't take good care of ourselves, either emotionally or physically. We tend to put the needs and desires of other people ahead of our own. We may put off our own needs and desires because they are "silly," "too expensive," "too indulgent," etc.

Ironically, many of use food as our one and only way of "taking care of ourselves." It may feel like overeating is a cheap indulgence that hurts no one else. But of course this backfires on us in the long run.

So -- maybe it's time to give yourself permission to put yourself FIRST. You deserve to be healthy and happy. If you can afford the surgery without MAJOR financial repercussions (having to put off buying a new house for an extra year doesn't count), I say do it.

I have a fantastic, loving and supportive husband, but we don't always see eye-to-eye on everything. One thing I've learned is that if I just TELL him what I'm doing (not bossily, just matter-of-factly), without justifying or excusing it, he'll say "okay, good for you." If he sees I'm determined and my mind is made up, he just gets out of the way.

It's your life. Only you can change it. I say "seize the day."

Mary

Time to get your FIL in on the act, since he's so excited and said "we'll see what we can do". If that insinuates financial help, what kind of commitment? and let him work it out with hubby. Run numbers, know what you can pay out of pocket yourself, and go from there. You have a few conversations to have! The sooner the better...on the conversations and the band surgery! LOL Good luck.

How much in U.S. dollars is 8,000C anyway??? LOL. I could have tried to fight my insurance company to get my band but didn't want to waste the time or energy. Unfortunately I too am one of those instant gratification folks and had waited a long time for help with my weight problem. You really will need your husbands support though, so maybe talk to the doc and your FIL and see what kind of financial arrangements can be made. Present them to your hubby with his favorite dinner, a bottle of wine and a few good kisses. Men can be easily won over. LOL. Best wishes, Teresa

When Dawg and I got married we agreed that it was important to support each other's feelings, instincts and convictions. Unless we both agree on an issue as important as the one you are talking about, we don't do it. We don't use that as a control measure, but rather a protection for us both. When we move forward in agreement, we rarely have regrets.

I learned a long time ago.. if I'm married to someone that I would give the one finger salute and walk over him to have what I want, then I made a very poor choice when I married him.

You need to follow your heart and do what you want. Just because you are married you are still two separate individuals. It sure would be nicer if he agreed with you on this, but I think if it's what you want then you go for it. It sounds like the rest of your family is behind you. I wish you luck. I agree with Susan that you have to emotionally support each other no matter what. It is a very important ingredient for a good marriage. I hope he is wise enough to know he is distancing himself from you by not going along with your wishes. I've been alone now for 10 years, but I have no doubt that my husband would have supported me 100% and if he didn't I would have done it anyway....probably why he would have just supported me to begin with. You are working and not dependent on him, so go for it. Follow your heart and your dreams on this one.

Thank you ALL for such great support. It's hard when we both can't agree on something. But that being said, I am an adult and I make my own money and I can decide what I do with it. I didn't complain when hubby wanted to redo the kitchen (even though I thought the old kitchen was fine, 7,000€) and I didn't complain when he wanted to get custom made desks instead of just buying furniture(5,000€). I realize it's a big investment, but like most of you said, in a year I could be a whole new person.

At this moment I have no co-morbidities, just a BMI of 40.8. However, in the last year I gained 25lbs, what will another year do? I have high cholesterol now, and heart problems and diabetes run in the family, plus in the last 6 months or so I have been experiencing back pain and pain in my knee that I never had before, which makes teaching really difficult since we stand a lot.

The plan for now: hubby was going to go with me to the consultation, but he really doesn't like to do that sort of stuff so I'm being "nice" and letting him off the hook. I told him he didn't have to go. That way, I can talk to the doc in private and let him convince me that I need the surgery right away. Then when I go home I can tell hubby that the doc thinks I need to do it right away and that waiting another year might be dangerous for me. (which it very well may be), that should be enough of an incentive to at least get him thinking about the idea.

Getting my FIL in the act won't do much, my hubby doesn't listen to him, never has and I doubt ever will....however its good to have some support here in Portugal, and also, it sounds like he might be willing to donate a bit to the cause.

I didn't want to wait because I'm about a year and 1/2 away from graduating and trying to get a job. No one wants to hire fat people!

Ain't that the truth....fortunatly I already have a job, but I work with adults and teenagers and no matter how good of a teacher I am I still hear snickers from the kids and comments from the adults about my size. Here in Portugal it's just not acceptable to be this big and they assume that your lazy or sloven if your over weight.

I think you should do it, but it will be hard not to have the support of your hubby. Have you had a heart to heart with him and told him how you are feeling mentally and physically?

I have told him how difficult it is and how I feel and he understands, and he is still looking for ways around the waiting list, but the truth is, there isn't a way and if I want it done now I will have to pay...and he just can't accept that.

A common problem among overweight people is that we don't take good care of ourselves, either emotionally or physically.

I've learned is that if I just TELL him what I'm doing (not bossily, just matter-of-factly), without justifying or excusing it, he'll say "okay, good for you."

Amen sista! Isn't that the truth, I'm always putting his needs before my own and then I go eat a chocolate bar. And the matter of factly telling him is what I think is going to happen. Thats how I got to the consultation point. I told him, I love you, I'm not going to fight with you, I'm not upset with you, but I'm going to make a consultation and see what my options are. And it's up to you whether or not you want to sulk about it or support me.

Just because you are married you are still two separate individuals. It sure would be nicer if he agreed with you on this, but I think if it's what you want then you go for it.

Thats EXACTLY how I feel. I wish he would agree but if he doesn't then we are just going to have to agree to disagree.

Sorry for such a long post guys....thanks again!