Depression

[Ginger2120 0]

I have a question for some of the single people.

Did you get your band and start losing weight and feeling really good about yourself and then you start meeting people (men, jerks) and have enough self confidence to talk to them and get shot down?

This seems to be a viscious cycle in my band journey. I feel so good about myself and start meeting people and eventually get up enough nerve to ask someone out and get the big rejection and it sends me into a huge depression. Unfortunatly this last depression I've gotten into won't seem to go away!

There are days that I feel like I'm the only single person in the world and at least before my band I was depressed and could eat whatever I want.

[MeganA 35]

"at least before my band I was depressed and could eat whatever I want."

I think this statement is really telling....it has felt the same for me. I don't have my old coping mechanisms anymore. I can't eat to make myself feel better about ANYTHING...much less men! I'm a single girl, too...and I do the same thing...loose some weight, feel great- and I think that everyone else sees my new outside like I do.

I want to commend you for putting yourself out there...it isn't easy to be single at any weight. I have a friend who lost a hundred pounds with the Atikins diet and has kept it off for four years- she was a size 22 and is now a 4/6. She says that yes, you get much more attention- but it doesn't change the fact that only about .01% are employed, honest, looking for a relationship, or cute.

Good luck,

Megan

[donali 57]

Hey Ginger -

I agree with Megan - you are commended on putting yourself out there. I read once that one of the big differences between men and women and the way they perceive others' behaviour is that men think to themselves, "What the H***'s wrong with THEM?" and women think to themselves, "What the H***'s wrong with ME?"

I challenge you to accept the fact that there is NOTHING wrong with you - you have just had the misfortune of approaching people who for whatever reason are not available in the way you're interested. Finding out at the very beginning that they're not interested is a blessing, albeit very frustrating, and a little disconcerting, particularly if you start believing it's about YOU, and not about THEM.

Hang in there, girl - you're doing great!!! And NEVER, EVER forget that good relationships are hard to come by, no matter who you are. Just check out all the problems those slendar rich movie stars have. Certainly has nothing to do with weight. I always take comfort in remembering that...

If Nicole Kidman and Demi Moore don't have perfect lives/relationships, I'm certainly not going to blame my problems on my weight anymore!

[sassaay 1]

Donali, you make an excellent point:

If Nicole Kidman and Demi Moore don't have perfect lives/relationships, I'm certainly not going to blame my problems on my weight anymore!

I think that being overweight, we often feel that everyone can see "what's wrong" with us, so this becomes the first reason we turn to when things don't go our way. I am going to remember this point and I think it will comfort me as well.

Ginger, hang in there! You must kiss many frogs before your prince arrives. Focus on letting those losers leave the picture quick, so that your heart is fresh and open for the right guy!

Take Care,

[Guest 30Sumthn]

Anne, Donali:

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this way. It might sound a bit cynical (and yes, I'm a single mom, too), but I believe that EVERY PERSON is "screwy" in some shape or fashion. EVERYONE has demons ... EVERYONE. They don't skip class, culture, race, age, gender, sexuality, financial status, social status ... nothing. EVERYBODY's got SHIT to deal with.

The problem: It's just that with overweight/obese people their demon is obvious. It's the first thing that people see. The first and most obvious thing a person "is", outside of gender, race, etc. I think THAT's why so many overweight/obese people hide. (Hide from other people, relationships, life, etc.) Our demons ... our drug habits ... are there for ALL THE WORLD TO SEE! A smokers/alcholics can use breath breath spray and perfums; a bi-polar person on meds is undetectable in a crowd ... as is a pedofile. I could go on and on. You get the point.

My point: Perhaps one of the reasons why the general public is so disgusted by and disparaging of obese people is BECAUSE they wear their demon for all to see. It makes them uncomfortable to have insight into another person's personal shortcomings and weaknesses. It reminds them of their OWN demons and weaknesses. Their being uncomfortable is then translated into bigotry, cruelty, and ignorant remarks/opinions. It make these behaviors "acceptable", because the other alternatives are compassion, mercy, empathy ... or worse, PITY. And let's face it, in this busy, self-absorbed American culture, compassion, mercy, empathy and even pity are NOT to be wasted on anyone but oneself.

You add all of this to a dating/relationship environment ....? BOY oh BOY! Let's not EVEN go there ... don't get me started! LOL

JMHO

Staci

Pre-op

267/240/???

[donali 57]

Staci -

I agree with your summation about why many people find obesity so offensive. I think you are 100% "on" with the visibility of at least one of our shortcomings, be it emotional/physical (since I BELIEVE that in addition to whatever emotional reason we eat, most of us have some sort of physical reason as well, whatever that may be - a broken "saitey" switch, or whatever). Also people tend to break others into categories visually - black, white, hispanic, asian, tall, short, fat, thin, handicapped, athletic, etc.

However, I would also argue that people use their PERCEIVED shortcomings as excuses for why things don't work out for them. I used my weight as an excuse all my life. Yes, it is absolutely true that many men are not physically attracted to obese women. But, there ARE many men that are. I know now that I was probably more unsuccessful in finding a romantic relationship more because of how I ACTED around men - simply because I ASSUMED they would not in a million years find me attractive. Hostile, suspicious, uninviting, sarcastic are just a few adjectives to describe my attitude towards men because of the way I FELT they perceived me. Is it any wonder that NO ONE was interested in being around that kind of personality? lol

My sister, who has throughout her life been roughly my size or bigger, has never been lacking for male attention. I see fat married women all the time, with husbands who genuinely love them. I see fat unmarried women with committed boyfriends (like the one I have now).

I had to accept that maybe, just maybe it wasn't all about my fat...

Again, I do not deny that many men would automatically cross off a fat woman from the eligibility list, but if we automatically assume they are ALL that way, then we do ourselves (and those other men) a great disservice.

[MeganA 35]

Donali-

How did you get so smart? :-)

I never dated in high school or college, and it was only after the internet revolution that I've figured out that there are men who actually dig the heck out of the size of my butt.

Anyway- I realize now, looking back at high school and at college that there were a bunch of guys who were always "hanging around" me.... DUH!!!!! I acted like they were only my friend, so, that's all they ever were.

There were so many times I was so terribly lonely in high school for a boyfriend- and now, I see the guys that paid attention to me and guess what- they are all married to big women. I could just kick myself :-)

I don't think it is all my fault that I didn't see their affection- I can't imagine how hard it would be for a high school boy to admit his attraction to the larger girl and not the one that looks like Britney Spears. Thank god they usually get braver as they get older. :-)

Megan

[donali 57]

I should have ended my last post with:

Beware of getting emotionally involved with ANYONE who is attracted to you solely for your looks - whether it's someone who loves slender women or fat women. We all change physically, losing weight, gaining weight, and of course as we age we look less and less like we did when we were younger. As fearful as some men are that their slender girlfriend/wife will get fat, there are just as many on the opposite end of the scale - guys who are fearful their fat girlfriend/wife will lose weight.

This is something I was very up front with my boyfriend about. We started dating when I was about 220/230, nine years ago. When he told me that he liked bigger women, I immediately asked if he would have a problem if I lost weight, as I was always trying, just not yet successful long term. He said no, he would be okay with it - he just wanted me to be happy. Now, nine years later when it appears (knock on wood that I keep my band forever!) that I will be successful not only in losing, but KEEPING it off, I went over the subject again with him. I am convinced he has no fears about losing me to someone else as I lose weight. More importantly, I have no fears that he will leave me for a bigger woman later on. A more emotionally stable one, maybe, but not because she's fatter. lol

Anyway, this was an important topic for me to get out in the open with him - an integral part of the bare minimum requirements that must be met on behalf of my partner - acceptance of me at any weight. And if, God forbid, I ever have to join the dating scene again, this will remain a top priority subject for me. I must feel absolutely certain that whomever I am dating is aware and accepting that if I ever lost my band, the chances of me returning to morbid obesity are very high.

[Guest 30Sumthn]

LOL - Donali:

It seems that you and I have a LOT in common! Although I am single and not actively dating, most of the men I meet who are attracted to me love BBWs (Big Beautiful Women). In fact, many have told me that I'm TOO SMALL!!! (Granted, I'm a shorty at only 5'0", and I wear an 18/20, which is often considered a "lightweight" around here ... but NOT to me) So I too, have been wary of men who limited their partners to ONLY obese women.

Your post reminded me of a VERY Prolific statement I heard once:

Woman often marry a man in the hopes that she can change him; men marry women in the hopes that they will NEVER change.

Funny, but true!

[donali 57]

Staci (and Megan) -

I didn't realize until about eight months ago that there were places to go specifically for BBWs (been on the internet for years, never occurred to me that there would be SITEs about this... lol).

So although I was intrigued at the idea of being in a situation where the men I would be meeting LIKED that I was fat, I couldn't help but hear the alarm bells ringing, saying that this wasn't really any better (for me) than going to a place where I was LOATHED because I was fat. My fat is NOT who I am - any more than my brown hair, or brown eyes.

I'm glad, actually, that I didn't know about these places when I was "available." I'm just paranoid enough to ruin what could have been a perfectly good relationship by worrying that they were only with me because I was fat.

I like your saying, Staci - "Woman often marry a man in the hopes that she can change him; men marry women in the hopes that they will NEVER change."

A more sobering one for me is, "Wherever you go, there you are..." I need that as a reminder to myself, since I tend to want to "solve" problems by leaving the situation. Until I do the work I need to do internally, the problems will never be solved, because I take them with me wherever I go - the scenery's different, but I am the same... :sick

[claraluz 2]

Ginger,

In answer to your question, yes, I have felt exactly that way and still often do. I joined an online dating site and lately it seems every man who sounds interesting wants a woman who is "slender, fit, or average." I went to lunch with a bunch of women from work yesterday and out of the twelve of us, 6 were newlyweds, engaged, or had recently fallen in love. I don't know how old you are, but I am 49 and have never been married, if it makes you feel any better.

I don't have any real advice for you, other than to perhaps see a therapist if you really feel your depression is not going away.

Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. Take heart and hang in there.

Nancy

[Ginger2120 0]

Thanks Nancy for your kind words.

I'm only 26, so some people think I'm still too young to get married! Being married and having a family is something I want very much, but right now I would settle for someone to talk to and laugh with. Right now if something funny happens at work or I hear something funny on tv or the radio the only person I have to share that with is my Mom! Don't get me wrong, I love her to death and don't know what I would do without her, but it's always nice to have that someone special to share trivial little things like that with. SOmeone who will give you a hug just because they like being close to you. These are things I need in my life and I don't have. I know it will all come in time and I have to be patient, but some times I just get tired of being patient.