Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Lost Weight This Week:

10. My addictions. Meat, cheese, bread, my couch, my diet Coke, my need for external validation from my fellow humans, my intravenous creme filling habit, etc.

9. My 'stories.' (House, Bones, NCIS, Numbers, Injustice, E-Ring, American Idol, Law & Order, Law & Order Special Victims Unit, Law & Order Criminal Intent, Law & Order Traffic Cops, Law & Order Fashion Police) For some reason, when I watch these programs, I am possessed by the evil Chip&Dip Demon.

8. Terrorists. I don't have proof, but I have it on good authority that an elite paramilitary platoon of trained enemy guerillas snuck into my kitchen and laced all of my loverly powdered whey protein containers with a sinister white powder: Powdered sugar!!!

7. Trained Twinkies. I swear - I was sitting on my couch, minding my own business (see # 9), when this small herd of Twinkies shed their wrappers in a provocative dance set to Vogue (by Madonna), and jumped straight into my mouth!

6. Media-induced depression. After watching the news for approximately twelve minutes, the cockles of my heart weren't warmed. They were smothered in a mind-numbing onslaught of soul-crushing despair brought on by images of war, chaos, financial panic, and Jessica Simpson casually flinging tasty bite-sized bits of cheesy goodness at someone who can only be described as a 'minor.' For shame.

5. Uninspired excercise. Yes, Dance Dance Revolution is a fun way to get a body moving - combining aerobically complex dance steps with the compelling competition of a video game. However, the brain-eating proponderance of psycho-trance-industrial-house-techno-moron music is enough to drive me to the buffet with a pitchfork and a garden trowel.

4. Holidays. Inauguration Day. My wife's birthday. Valentine's Day. Predidents Day. Mardis Gras. Mom-in-law's birthday. Those are behind me - but coming soon: Mom's Birthday. Parents' anniversary. We just started Lent. Easter's coming. I'm not even Catholic, but I'm dooooooomed!!!

3. Work. Do I tell folks the truth? Or do I tell them that I just had a simple routine surgery to fix/remove my hernia/gallbladder/spleen/third nipple? What do I do when the gang heads to lunch at the local Deep Fried And Dunked In Chocolate Hut? How do I turn down all the birthday cake/cookies/brownies/side o' beef?

2. Friends and Family. Is my mean Aunt Bertha jealous that I'm actually taking a step toward becoming the size of a normal human - or at least a smaller rhinocerous? Have my friends stopped inviting me over for fear that my diet-induced hunger will put their small wiener dogs at risk? Will my fragile male ego splinter into a bazillion small pieces when someone notices my wife's weight loss, and fails to acknowledge mine?

1. And the #1 reason why I'm probably not losing weight this week is something so frightening, so dreadfully scary, so horrifyingly paralyzing that I won't even have to supply a description - we all know the terror, panic, and band-crushing hysteria innocently called... Girl Scout Cookies!!

Disclaimer: I don't actually own a scale. The size of my ... um... personality keeps me from being able to use a normal scale, and I'm just not willing to buy an industrial strength scale.

So I don't actually know that I haven't lost weight - I just wanted to be silly. I do currently have a handle on the buffets, trained twinkies, and bite-sized bits of cheesy goodness... I don't have powdered sugar in my protein cannisters... and the Chip&Dip Demon knows that I'm a carnivore - I could eat him whole in a single sitting!

So just laugh :confused:

ROFLMAO! You are too funny! Thanks for starting my day with a smile/laugh!:biggrin1:

Where can I get some o' them trained twinkies???

Mike, I bought this scale at Sam's that goes up to 400 for 30 bucks; before that I used to go to my previous gym and get into their industrial strength electric scale. I don't advise anybody to weight themselves everyday since it can get discouraging do it once a week first thing in the morning .

Manuel

55 lbs gone

Eventually I could use that 400lb. scale - but not for awhile... I get to weigh at my surgeon's office at least once every 2 weeks for our support group, and that's enough for me.

This is great, the lady in the next office had to come look why I was laughing so hard.. he, heeee...........

I SWEAR - I have had that Trained Twinkie problem before... They're like Termites, man... once they get into your house - you play hell getting rid of them!!

Thanks for the Laugh Mikey. I love the Law & Order Fashion Police, too.

**I get a gold star for the day. A "Friend" offered me some of the insidious GSC today - and I said "No". My hands only shook a little as I walked away from her desk....

That was HIlarious...especially the thought of Twinkies dancing into your mouth. I have also been swatting the Girl Scout's away with their devil cookies! You just made my day!

Very funny!!! Keep em' coming!!!

Hilarious!!!!!!

This is the BEST laugh I've had all day....THANKS!! :dance: