Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Lost Weight This Week:

10. My addictions. Meat, cheese, bread, my couch, my diet Coke, my need for external validation from my fellow humans, my intravenous creme filling habit, etc.

9. My 'stories.' (House, Bones, NCIS, Numbers, Injustice, E-Ring, American Idol, Law & Order, Law & Order Special Victims Unit, Law & Order Criminal Intent, Law & Order Traffic Cops, Law & Order Fashion Police) For some reason, when I watch these programs, I am possessed by the evil Chip&Dip Demon.

8. Terrorists. I don't have proof, but I have it on good authority that an elite paramilitary platoon of trained enemy guerillas snuck into my kitchen and laced all of my loverly powdered whey protein containers with a sinister white powder: Powdered sugar!!!

7. Trained Twinkies. I swear - I was sitting on my couch, minding my own business (see # 9), when this small herd of Twinkies shed their wrappers in a provocative dance set to Vogue (by Madonna), and jumped straight into my mouth!

6. Media-induced depression. After watching the news for approximately twelve minutes, the cockles of my heart weren't warmed. They were smothered in a mind-numbing onslaught of soul-crushing despair brought on by images of war, chaos, financial panic, and Jessica Simpson casually flinging tasty bite-sized bits of cheesy goodness at someone who can only be described as a 'minor.' For shame.

5. Uninspired excercise. Yes, Dance Dance Revolution is a fun way to get a body moving - combining aerobically complex dance steps with the compelling competition of a video game. However, the brain-eating proponderance of psycho-trance-industrial-house-techno-moron music is enough to drive me to the buffet with a pitchfork and a garden trowel.

4. Holidays. Inauguration Day. My wife's birthday. Valentine's Day. Predidents Day. Mardis Gras. Mom-in-law's birthday. Those are behind me - but coming soon: Mom's Birthday. Parents' anniversary. We just started Lent. Easter's coming. I'm not even Catholic, but I'm dooooooomed!!!

3. Work. Do I tell folks the truth? Or do I tell them that I just had a simple routine surgery to fix/remove my hernia/gallbladder/spleen/third nipple? What do I do when the gang heads to lunch at the local Deep Fried And Dunked In Chocolate Hut? How do I turn down all the birthday cake/cookies/brownies/side o' beef?

2. Friends and Family. Is my mean Aunt Bertha jealous that I'm actually taking a step toward becoming the size of a normal human - or at least a smaller rhinocerous? Have my friends stopped inviting me over for fear that my diet-induced hunger will put their small wiener dogs at risk? Will my fragile male ego splinter into a bazillion small pieces when someone notices my wife's weight loss, and fails to acknowledge mine?

1. And the #1 reason why I'm probably not losing weight this week is something so frightening, so dreadfully scary, so horrifyingly paralyzing that I won't even have to supply a description - we all know the terror, panic, and band-crushing hysteria innocently called... Girl Scout Cookies!!

Disclaimer: I don't actually own a scale. The size of my ... um... personality keeps me from being able to use a normal scale, and I'm just not willing to buy an industrial strength scale.

So I don't actually know that I haven't lost weight - I just wanted to be silly. I do currently have a handle on the buffets, trained twinkies, and bite-sized bits of cheesy goodness... I don't have powdered sugar in my protein cannisters... and the Chip&Dip Demon knows that I'm a carnivore - I could eat him whole in a single sitting!

So just laugh :confused:

Heh. At least he didn't blame his wife! :confused:

ROFLMFAO @ Mikey

I love to laugh....keep em coming.

Mikey!!! TOOO FUNNY!!! I am so with you on those Girl Scout Cookies!! Did you see the poll I took to vote on what to do with all of them?!? :confused: I am seriously HIDING from the cookies. They have some crazy power over me & scare me to death. My kids won't let me throw them away!!!

Good luck Dude!! Thanks for the great laugh!!!!!!! :dance:

OK, I think I just burned quite a few calories laughing at this, thanks for the workout :confused:

LOL! LOL! LOl! That was hilarious Mikey! Thanks!!

OMG I'm laughing so hard my port side hurts again hahahaha. Thank you so much for the wonderful sense of humor!

LOL This is so funny!! I love the Twinkies part! Do they still make Twinkies? I read that they have a 12-year shelf life!!! Wrah wroh.

Kelli

Brilliant and inspired!! :pound:

Mike,

Hysterical................!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!

Hell, I don't know if I have ever laughed so hard!! Thank you for that and keep em' comin'!!! Your one of a kind!

Quote:

3. Work. Do I tell folks the truth? Or do I tell them that I just had a simple routine surgery to fix/remove my hernia/gallbladder/spleen/third nipple? What do I do when the gang heads to lunch at the local Deep Fried And Dunked In chocolate Hut? How do I turn down all the birthday cake/cookies/brownies/side o' beef?

This is right up there with Strawarts post! Thanks for the laugh! You're funny - I love that! And a laugh before bedtime.... I usually have to wait until I'm IN bed for that - kidding DH.... really .

I'm on day one of my pre-op liquid diet and am miserable.

I've just learned that laughter STOPS hunger pangs in their gigantic, all consuming tracks. Hmmmmm. I think I might have just stumbled onto something important.

Excellent post Mikey, thanks. Janet you lucky girl! Congrats.

Heh. You're right, lol, I am lucky! He keeps me in stitches 99.9% of the time.

You've got a point about the laughter & hunger. Hmmm. Gonna have to buy some funny tapes! Wonder if they sell "The Daily Show" by season, lol. :confused:

Mikey Law and order has a fashion police unit ..tooo cool! LOL

Thank you for the laugh I really needed it!! We have number 9 in common! Girl Scout Cookies are the ANTICHRIST!!!!

Lovin it!!!!

Could you please add ice magic in there somewhere - i have suddenly become addicted to something I didnt even like before banding. It would have to be at least number 2. :confused: