Okay, so I'll try and briefly explain my journey so far. Since my surgery on May 16, 2011 I've basically been a complete failure. My highest weight was 299.5 and on surgery day I weighed 267. Well since then, my weight crept up to 285 or so. I know I have myself to blame, because I basically ate nothing but junk. I had my first fill in July and the doc put in 1 cc. I did feel a difference in how I ate. Since the fill, over the past several months if I ate too fast or took too big of a bite and didn't chew properly, I would regurgitate. And I wouldn't give my stomach a chance to recover and keep eating solids, so I would keep regurgitating. I know it sounds horrible, but I was still hungry and just wanted to eat. But other times, it felt like I could eat however much I wanted. I noticed I couldn't eat quite was much as I could pre-op, but still way too much for having the band.

I was so embarrassed about doing so horribly and didn't want to be lectured at the surgeon's office again, that I canceled my September appointment I had for follow-up/fill and said I'd reschedule, but never did.

Anyway, I have been depressed as well for about a year and I finally sought help for it in the beginning of November. I've been going to weekly therapy and started taking 2 antidepressants. I'm starting to feel a little better and have regained the motivation I once had to stick to my diet and really be committed to my weight loss. For the past 10 days I've been sticking to a low-carb diet and exercising and I'm back down to 276.

I have an upcoming appointment with my surgeon and the nutritionist on Jan 18 and I am terrified. I know they're going to lecture me about not coming in, as well as not sticking to my diet and I'm afraid of what they'll say. I'm hoping to at least get down to my surgery weight by the appointment, so I won't look like a total failure. Also, I'm afraid they'll be mad that I wasn't completely truthful in the psych eval about my depression.

So I have a few questions: Do you think they'll give me a fill? Do you think I need a fill? I had been regurgitating a lot, but not when I chew food properly and take my time. I feel like I can eat way more than I should. I really do want a fill because I think it will help me stay on track.

Also, do you think I'll be able to swallow my antidepressant pills if I get a fill? I'm afraid because one of them is a suspended release and can't be crushed and the other is a capsule.

I know some of you are probably thinking... Why did you even bother to get the surgery if you were just going to sabotage yourself? That's not how I started out, but somehow just lost my motivation and drive and just didn't care about myself anymore. I think it had a lot to do with my depression, which I'm working on.

But I am totally motivated now, but I just don't think the surgeon will see it that way and look at me as a failure.

Anyway, any thoughts or advice will be appreciated. I'm just so scared of my appointment next week. Sorry this was so long, I just needed to get it off my chest.

ok, first thank you for all that honesty! it is a really big step.

don't worry about what the doc says. start to put you 1st, do what you want to

do for yourself. I am sure they have had other patients have similar stories.

I hope you can trust them again, their job is to support you.

make the appointment and go no matter what you weigh, bring someone with

you.

try to post comments everyday with the same honesty you started with today!

you will be able to do this ONE DAY & ONE STEP AT A TIME.

there are a lot of people here who want to see you succeed - join them!!!

I have done the exact same thing, FELL OFF THE BANDWAGON, I went from 272 lost to 236 and then gained back to 255. I am working to get back on track myself, trying to stay motivated. With Gods help i am sure i will meet my goal.

Hi! MCCLB ......

Well meet your sister....I am the exact same....I actually put on weight too....and have yo yo'ed ......It is funny as you joined the site on the 16th of March which is my birthday.....Like you I suffer from depression....I was not on medication until later in life....but was depressed on and off during my college years.....a lot of my depression is caused by my unhealthy relationship with food.....a lovely lady on this site told me before she thought of junk food as an alcoholic does with alcohol....she said to clear my house of the junk food....and as we are human it is okay to indulge and taste junk the odd time....but to go out and buy it not store it in my house....this was really helpful.....I am actually decreasing my anti depressant medication....it seems I was over filled and regurgitated a lot which can cause damage to the band....I actually would throw up and then try eat a few minutes later....it was a physical and psychological battle that needed to be fought....I am with a therapist and learning not to feel so negative about myself....food is a reward and also a punishment for me.....so now I have to divorce food and remarry it all over again in a more loving relationship if that makes sense.....we are human so who cares what the doctor thinks....you are the important one...and it is really brave of you to acknowledge and accept that you were sabotaging yourself....that is the battle half one....thank you for cheering me up.....I have been in the same position....but feeling a lot better now that I accept my strengths and weaknesses

I fell off the bandwagon as well! I had my surgery FIVE YEARS AGO!!! If it wasn't for having to go back for them to take out my gall bladder idk if I'd go back because sometimes it is discouraging....but I'm going back Monday for a fill, eating healthy again and I'm already going to the gym (I used to hate it, but now I love it!)

Good luck to you!

It must be really hard coping with depression and trying to keep up with the bandwagon life and i do feel for you all and hope you all do better with help and support. What i want to emphasise is that, if anyone of us starts gaining weight, whatever the reason, get back to the doctor and tell them. The reason why most of us are overweight is that we hid our feelings, hid ourselves away, were afraid of being judged, afraid to ask for help when we need it. You have to stop falling into pattens of behaviour that led you to be overweight and use the band as a means to start changing your life. Dieting alone will give u a temporary weight loss but it wont last, seeking help and support when things arent working out will help sustain you on the right road. It like having a car thats going wrong , do u take it to the garage before the car gets worse and possibly much more to repair, or just leave it, keep driving and hope that nasty noise you hear is gonna just disappear.. you do know the right answer

Surgeons and doctors see people struggling all the time, mostly its our own insecurities that make us think they will be disappointed, annoyed, judgemental. Give them a chance to earn their fees and prove their worth and go to them and ask for the help u need, just dont leave it so long that u undo all the good work u have done ..

You have had only One Fill? And that was One CC???

You didn't fall off any bandwagon,,,,,,you never had a chance to get on! (In my opinion)

Four weeks after surgery I had my first fill, 4 cc's. Came back 4 weeks after that and I GAINED WEIGHT!

I felt like you, and did not want to face the Dr., feeling like I did something wrong.

My Dr. laughed at me!! He said this isn't weight watchers where you are going to be tested by getting on the scale - fail or pass, this is where you get on the scale and we

determine if and how much your next fill will be to get you to that place where your band is working the way it was designed to!

Screw them and what they may think! (or what you think they may think) It's your body, and your band. Go into the Dr.'s office and tell him the truth! You're still hungry in spite of the surgery and in spite of the 1 cc fill!

Now granted, there are different size bands and to some with smaller bands, 1 cc can be a lot. But I am willing to bet, by your story, yours is not!

The surgeon and nutritionist are there to help you, not shame you. If people could be shamed into weight loss none of us would need surgery to begin with! B-52 is right, with only 1cc in your band you have very little restriction so it's no wonder you haven't had success. The surgeon's job is not only to place the lap band - it is to adjust the lap band appropriately for each person. What your job is is to identify your food issues and then take the steps to correct them. The surgeon can't make the lap band successful all by himself, and you can't make the lap band successful all by yourself, either. Look at this appointment as an opportunity to become more educated about the process and good lap band eating habits. Chewing thoroughly and eating slowly really are VERY important to lap band success.

The sooner you go in and get a couple more fills the better you will do with the band. Things are going to get so much better for you! Go in with a good attitude and jump back in the process

Thank you all soooo much for your comments! They really made me feel a lot better. I'm glad to know there are people out there who understand what I'm going through and are here to help. Readytogoforit, thank you for the kind words. I will keep my appointment. Achambers, Crispaholic, and Ashues: good luck getting back on track, too! I know we can all do it! And Cazzy, B-52, Nurse, and Humming Bird, thank you for the words of encouragement! I needed to hear it! I really appreciate you all taking the time to read my post and help me. I really believe I can get back on track. I'll be honest with the doc and nutritionist and if they have negative opinions of me, screw them! They should try going through what we have to go through!

Anyway, I really do feel so much better after reading all your comments. Thank you and good luck on your journeys!

MCCLB so glad that you see you are not the only one out there If it was not for this site I would be lost....the people on this are very kind....we are not in the minority....when I tell people I got banded they are why did you do that? You were not big....okay I was not too big....but I was always 3 to 5 stone heavier ....and knew I could not do a life time of diets....and punishment....I was most miserable at my lightest at 140lbs as I was starving myself...therapy has really helped me....I take one day at a time....do not beat yourself up...you are a good human being....I watched the biggest loser USA on tv the other day and saw this guy called Corey nearly give himself a heart attack try and run....he hit the ground....and I wanted to do was scream at the tv get the band....yes exercise but do not kill yourself in the process....as Mohammed Ali said to a reporter when he was knocked out by Henry Cooper....' the floor is no place for a champion ' ....pick yourself up and keep the fighting spirit

MCCLB,

My story is almost the same. Only I was doing great until last spring. Since May I have gained 40 pounds. I was unfilled last July and was basically not adjusted correctly since. My doc got sick in October, so I have not had a chance to have an adjustment since September. Over the summer I lived through some pretty nasty stuff and have been emotionally eating to cope, so when I finally went to my doc this week, I was told that I would have to have a barium swallow to see if I distended my pouch and if I did, then I would be unfilled for a while to see if it would heal. If not I will have to have the band taken out. If I haven't distended it he still wants me to see a shrink about the stuff going on. My doc totally understood that it wasn't my fault and I had some REALLY bad stuff happening to me and I coped with it the ONLY way I knew how to.

Whatever you do, just make sure you go. Don't feel like you're letting anyone down because you've had difficulties. The doctors, nurses and NUTs have seen it all. You're on a journey, trying to change habits and behaviours that have been engrained over years. Those are some of the hardest changes to make.

You're human, you'll mess up...most of us do at one point or another. Just pull yourself up, go to the doctor, get a fill and take back control and move forward.

You CAN do this.

I had my appointment today and it totally wasn't bad at all!!! I'm so relieved! I told my surgeon that I was scared of him and he laughed and said that wasn't the first time he heard that. I told him I fell off the wagon and he said the good thing about lap band is that if you fall off, you can fall right back on again.

Ahhhh... so relieved. And I got my fill.. another 1.75cc. I'm not sure how much restriction I have yet because I'm supposed to do full liquids for 3 days and then mushies for 3 days, so I'll have to wait and see.

Also, before my appointment in Boston today, I walked about 4.5 miles on the Charles river. It was cold and windy, but I did it.

Thanks for all your support everybody!

Great to hear everything went so well!

Yahoo!!! we knew you could do it. now onward to weight loss so you can start feeling better!

thanks for letting us know what happened.