"you're not big enough for surgery"...

[Paula622 0]

As I began the process of researching this option to lose weight I was hesitant to tell anyone about it. My husband has been very supportive and is basically willing to go along with whatever is going to make me healthy and happy. Knowing that he was here to support me I had decided that he alone was enough of a support system and planned on not telling anyone else that I was having it done. However, I needed my mom to babysit our one year old for a few of my trips to the doctor so that my husband could come with me. She has said to me numerous times things like " I've looked more into this band, and I don't think you're overweight enough to have it done" or "are you sure you're really big enough for something so drastic"... As the only "fat" one in my family it is really hard to explain that "yes mom, I really am that huge, thanks for making me feel even better about it..." I really don't want to get into exact numbers with her because I just can't bear to see the look on her face when she hears that I'm over 200 pounds (I'm only 5" tall). I just feel like all of the thin people in my life can't possibly understand what it feels like to be "fat enough for surgery". I hate feeling like I'm doing this because I'm such a failure at life.... I usually have quite the sharp tongue, but talking about my weight is the one thing that has left me unable to respond in a way that saves my dignity. Maybe I will just tell the next person who scoffs at my choice "well, I can lose the weight, but you'll be ugly forever"...

Any thoughts on dealing with such nay-sayers?

[BetsyB 9]

Other peoples' reactions can be so difficult to handle, can't they?

For those who questioned whether I was 'big enough,' I gave very simple, factual responses (without revealing anything terribly personal). Things like, "My surgeon and insurance company have very stringent guidelines about who qualifies for this surgery; I fall within their parameters."

People have all kinds of different reasons for chiming in their dissent. Some are saboteurs. Some are genuinely concerned about your well-being. Some simply like to hear the sound of their own voices!

If you believe your mother is genuinely concerned about operative risks, taking her along to a preop seminar can work wonders. My husband went to my first one with me, and was immediately reassured. My (adult) daughter went to my last preop seminar, and her jitteriness vanished.

[BillOh 13]

When my wife mentioned to my family she was having gastric bypass, MY MOM said, "I thought she was gaining weight so she could have the surgery" I was so pissed at her I decided not to even tell her I had the lap band. Since then my wife and I have both been very sucessful in our different path and are happy. Mom didn't need to know and I pretty much kept how I did it to myself.

Edited January 21, 2010 by BillOh
Added MY MOM

[happy2lose 0]

I ran into a few naysayers in my own family which is why I decided not to tell anybody else until my surgery was over with. It really isn't anybody's business but your own and you need to do what is best for you. If you don't find the support you need in the people you are closest to, then the hell with them. "To thy own self be true".

[Paula622 0]

Thanks for all the support! It was actually at the pre-op seminar as we looked at the BMI chart that my mom said "you can't weigh that much?!" Oh, well!!

I am glad to hear that others decide to keep this a "secret" as well. I kind of felt like there was something wrong with my decision if I didn't feel comfortable sharing my plans with those around me.

[BillOh 13]

I am glad to hear that others decide to keep this a "secret" as well. I kind of felt like there was something wrong with my decision if I didn't feel comfortable sharing my plans with those around me.

My wife and I both work at large companies, and just had a small group of people who knew. Once she started losing lots of weight you would be surprised at the really stupid things that people who didn't even know her would stop and say. I lost 75 pounds with the band, but it was more gradual so most people assumed I just did it on my own. (Plus it helped that I started running and put up running awards on my office wall)

[patsal 1]

Just another part of this journey, I guess. My Mother is full of hte "alls you hafta do is..." advice. I am obese, have been obese for an eternity, seriously would I go this drastic if I didn't needmore help and have not failed at everythign else! No one who knows believes that I am as heavy as I am, which is both good and bad. I have pointed out that two Drs and the insurance feel comfotable with it and have approved it. I think in a way for my Mom it was her own insecurities--everything has to be about her so she thought I ws going to get all nuts on her about how unwell she fed us as kids. I am a believer that all do the best they can with what they know at the time. I now know much more about nutrition and behavior than I did a year ago and I certainly can't blame my mother for what I have eaten in the last 20 years!

I am opting to keep it within the walls of my home. I do not need permission from anyone else nor do I feel the need to justify what I need anymore. Eventually everyone will find out and I will swear that they got a last minute cancellation and could fit me in so I didn't want to bother anyone after 9pm! lol:tongue_smilie: Not nice I know, but the best way for me to deal with it and let this be about me and what I need not my mother or how she feels about it.

[Manda87 3]

I haven't really told anyone. I have told most of my friends and all of them are skinny. So, they really don't know anything about being over weight. They were all like "yay! i'm happy for you" but it seemed forced. My mom wasn't into the idea and she was really negative. I think she's jealous, but I'm not sure. Everyone in my family is overweight, and I've finally said enough is enough. She is neutral with the idea now. At least you have your husband. You should feel truely blessed. I hardly have a half of a person for support.

I've told a bunch of people at work. If I told everyone, I would be judged more than I already am. I guess you can ignore strangers, but family members comments can hurt the most. I wish you good luck!

[Paula622 0]

Manda, I'm really sad to hear that you feel you have no support! I hope that at least the people on here help you!

Patsal, We're practically neighbors (I'm from Kenmore). Who is your Dr?

[Fanny Adams 7]

My wife and I both work at large companies, and just had a small group of people who knew. Once she started losing lots of weight you would be surprised at the really stupid things that people who didn't even know her would stop and say. I lost 75 pounds with the band, but it was more gradual so most people assumed I just did it on my own. (Plus it helped that I started running and put up running awards on my office wall)

Bill, have you found that people who know about your wife's surgery but don't know about yours have become even more judgemental of her now? I would be worried about people making the comments "Look, HE was able to do it all on his own, so SHE should have been able to, too!"

I can understand people wanting to keep this private, when they've had such negative feedback from people around them. I guess I've been extremely lucky, in that I've had nothing but support from my wonderful family. I also tell anyone who even hints at asking, because I want to spread the message. I get quite evangelistic about it, LOL! I actually have to restrain myself from running up to obese people in shopping centres and taking them by the hand to say, "Please let me tell you about this wonderful tool!" The main thing that stops me is remembering how humiliated I would have felt if some stranger had done that to me when I was obese .

[Jachut 487]

You have to do this for yourself and yourself only, I too got extremely frustrated with the attitude that I wasnt big enough and "all you have to do is .....". Particularly from my mum who has never been obese but has had to watch her weight since she hit middle age or she tends to get a little plump. She reckons weight watchers works for her every time. She got VERY offended when i said if it worked, she wouldnt have to keep doing it, once would be enough. But I was so sick of the inability of people to accept that diets dont work long term. I wanted to do this just once more and I was bloody well going to do it right! I just ignored everyone and followed my heart.

What's surprised me is the outright nastiness you can experience from people with bigger weight problems who somehow feel there isnt enough surgery to go aroumd and that by having it at a lower BMI you're somehow stepping on their turf. I understand that it must be to some people like the thin girl whining about 10lb (and we've all wanted to thump her!), but its so darn ignorant, telling people that they can tackle such a "small" problem themselves when you yourself have failed to do so and gone on to get even fatter!

Then there's the fact that as a thin person, you may find you face more hostility and discrimination than you ever did fat when you were no threat to anyone......

Given all that, please yourself and yourself only. You are what matters.

[pennreporter 12]

isn't it a shame that people just can't be supportive or if not, just keep their comments to themselves!! I've been extremely open about mine. My daughter had hers a year before I. Since I have no other family close by I didn't have to deal with that. My daughter was my biggest support. The most common comment I get from people is "I like to eat too much to do that." My comment back is usually something on the order of I do, too, but I also want to live longer and healthier." First time in years BP and cholesterol or normal. But I do have a friend that she's also had to keep hers secret from her family because they're so judgmental. What a shame. It's such an incredible (albeit tough at times) journey that you should be able to do it without negative input.

Trisha

[pnw218 14]

Wow! It is so nice to have found this website and this thread! My husband and I have just decided that I will have the lapband surgery in February - and we plan to tell no one, until it is over and I am losing weight, and then only maybe : ) If someone directly asks me, I won't lie about it, I just don't want anyone else's opinion at this point.

I will be 49 next month, am 5'4" and about 192. Not a real high BMI at 33 as far as the insurance parameters go but definitely high enough that it is out of my comfort zone. I have also had several health and sleeping issues that I believe are likely weight related.

The Atkins diet used to work well for me in my younger days, but getting older mixed with stress and depression starting in 2002 has done me in.

I started working out at Curves several months ago, and while I haven't kept up on the food side of things, I do feel better and stronger. Small steps I figure.

I have been researching locations in Tijuana Mexico and expect that is where I will go. Insurance won't pay unless the BMI is higher and after completing a 6 month monitored exercise/diet program. I want to look better (or awesome) when I turn 50 next year! I need to get with the program now! :biggrin:

Edited January 22, 2010 by jsfrwa
typo

[patsal 1]

Manda, I'm really sad to hear that you feel you have no support! I hope that at least the people on here help you!

Patsal, We're practically neighbors (I'm from Kenmore). Who is your Dr?

Dr. Pham at Synergy

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,281]

Paula, this is going to be an extremely stressful time for you. You are going through a great deal of emotions and likely many things are going to seem negative to you.

I personally don't think your Mom was doing it in a bad way, she's your Mom. She cares about you and is worried for you. I wouldn't take it in such a harsh light. It would be good for you just to set the record straight with her and maybe educate her some on the idea. I did with mine. I even took her to one of my seminars even though I had already gone. It was then that she was on board with me and felt comfortable with the whole idea, Dr. and staff.

I hope it works out for you!