Maybe I should not have surgery?

[Jangy03253 56]

Right now I am going through some stuff that I am not dealing well with. I am contimplating canceling surgery due to it. 5 years ago I left my family and moved 1500 miles away to marry the man I was so in love with. From the 1st day to now 5 years later I have not been accepted into this family. Day 1 should have been my clue when I was told by his mother that I was here to kill his daughter. Since then I have been screamed and cussed at, Hit, told my marriage was going to be tore apart by them. They even tell my husband lies. No matter what they have to do in order to make my life misserable and try to cause problems in my household. I have tried to deal with things for 5 years and accept his family because he is my husband and this is his family. But, its hard when its all pretend until they are caught doing something with ill intent. Then it is drama drama drama. I love my husband but have contimplated just leaving him because of his family. Why? Because it is never going to end. Things were going well for a couple months. Friday when I was so excited about having everything completed for my surgery and the doctor is sending my paperwork to insurance next tuesday i get my teeth kicked in again. Lies to my husband again.. And, then I was told skinny was not going to make me pretty. you have to be pretty fat. Sorry that she is fat and refuses to do anything about her weight. I am not doing this to be pretty or ugly. I am doing this for my health. I even had to hear how a coworker of hers is like a whore now that she lost weight. Now she is telling family diff things.. Of course I am not speaking to the family about it. But, with all this turmoil and my husband being my only support im scared to get the surgery. And, have been thinking very hard the last 2 days about cancelling it. Any thoughts?? My thoughts are I should have never started this journey without a good support system..

[Onelife 128]

Wow, sounds line your husband needs to stand up for you and tell his family to shut up or don't come around. Maybe you two need to pack up and move 1500 miles away from them. But, in no way am I a professional to give any advice. If you have the surgery it is something you are doing for you. If your husband will be supportive, that is all you need. I wish you well.

[RZD_1123 20]

What you do is not allow evil malicious people to dictate YOUR happiness because it is YOURS!!!!! if this weightloss surgery is what YOU have been wanting for your own good then i believe you should go for it!!!!! See if you can research if there are any support groups around your area ... talk to you doctors office ..even hospitals have groups that meet every week ... dont let others control what you do because they are clearly miserable people.... if you have your husbands full support focus on that and nothing else........ i hope everything resolves itself in the most peaceful way im sending positive energy your way!!!!

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Why isn't your hubby coming to your rescue? Don't let them take away your joy. Once you have the surgery, they can't undo it. In about a year, you can tell them, "I told you so."

I am a domestic violence survivor and lucky to be alive. If your man is not intervening for you, then you should examine your relationship. Why would you love someone who allows you to be treated that way? Why are you still there? (Those are questions my doctor asked me when I came into his office with a bruise the size of a seven ounce steak on my arm).

Bariatric surgery has a way of exposing the raw dynamics of our relationships and lets the truth come out. People feel like they have the right to speak on our health choices, appearance , and future bit**iness. You are finding out how they really feel about you. That includes your hubby. It's sore, but effective in opening our eyes.

I wish you the best. Bottom line is you are an adult in charge of your own health care. Do what you need to do to get healthy and happy. Eliminating the negative people in our lives is where most of us start. I wish you good luck and good health.

[Jangy03253 56]

Thank you guys and girls for the encouragement. I know there is alot of things i need to rethink.. I am just scared to go thru such a big surgery with no support.. I mean i have the support groups, I have the psychiatrist ect.. But, its not the same as having family.. This surgery is huge.. It was a huge decision. I just do not want complications even death because my nerves are shot. In speaking to one of the family members today I was told that her reason for hating me was because she didn't want to share him. Then when I come into his life she was forced to share him. 5 years later and she still does not want to share him. I cant understand this. I am really trying to understand. As far as my husband he does not say much until he finally gets enough. But, in the meantime I am being treated horrible. I just feel all alone in it all.. I am sorry for rambling on.. I just don't know what way to turn now. I need this surgery for health reasons.. But, is it worth the risk of surgery being stressed out like I am?? Maybe talking to my doctor should be my next step.

[Threetimesacharm 1,400]

What kind of "family member" would say that she HATES you because she doesn't want to share your husband.................oh I know a psychotic one!!! I think it's time to rethink your relationship, move far away, or get on with your life by yourself. No one needs this kind of treatment in their life, it just sounds so insane!!

As far as surgery goes your support can be your surgeon, NUT, this site and any friends that you may have brought on board. I don't have family support either and frankly am doing great with out it.

[Mountaingal 322]

Very good idea to talk to your Dr and a visit with therapist might help as well. Many people do not share their decision to have surgery with anyone other than their spouse. Talk to your husband about how much you need his support. If he is there for you you will do fine. Just keep remembering this is for your health and no one should prevent you from taking care of yourself. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.

[Jangy03253 56]

Thanks that will defo be my next step. I am so close to surgery. Everything has been sent to the insurance company and we are just waiting for the ok to set the date. I came so far.. And, yes i also feel that it is a very unhealthy relationship to feel the way she does. But, was also told that she feels that his mom also feels the same way that i came between them and she didn't want to share him.. Why would you not want your loved one to be happy? I can't understand it? My family is 1500 miles away but never would they hate my husband just because he loved me. It would make them love him to see him making me happy. So, yes I now see it is never going to change. If I do not rethink my life in 5 years i will be in the same situation.. If I go thru with the surgery just a little healthier.. But, how can I have a healthy marriage with the women in his life feeling this way? It is very unhealthy to say the least for everyone.. I think especially my husband to know that there are family members that do not want him happy in life.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Why do you allow them to speak to you like this?

Why do you even have any contact with them?

They won't change. They are 100% natural assholes.

Over the last five years, you've let them take away all your power.

You need some serious therapy. And I don't mean that as an insult -- but as a real solution for your situation.

Of course, you could also leave them all and go build a new life for yourself.

And your demonstrably spineless husband might come with you -- or not.

You do not deserve this crap. And in your shoes, I could not and would not stand for it.

I wish a lot better for you than you're settling for right now.

[borg/assimilated 576]

@@Jangy03253,

Quite the dilemma. I think you will find that there are people who have this surgery with very little to no support system and do well. You will also most likely gain confidence as you lose weight. At some point you will probably tell his family what you think of their interference in your relationship with your husband, or you may even tell your husband how you feel about his lack of defending you with his family.

There may never be a perfect time for the surgery, however, I don't think you will regret going through with it.

[Djmohr 6,965]

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this!

You have to do what is right for you but I would ask myself a couple of really important questions.

1. Regardless of whether or not I have this surgery, is the stress from my family situation going to resolve itself anytime soon?

2. Who's support do I really need to get through surgery and recovery?

3. What is the reason I decided to have this surgery in the first place? If it is truly my health, will my health get any better without surgery?

4. If I choose not to have surgery, what in my life will change if anything?

It is impossible for any of us to make this decision for you because we don't have to live in your shoes. I will say based on your original post that not having this surgery likely doesn't change anything in your family life. The mental abuse continues. The results of Weight Loss Surgery are empowering to the patient. As they get healthy and the weight continues to drop off, their confidence grows and they become more and more independent. You literally become strong and realize you can pretty much handle anything.

Don't let them take away your power! By cancelling your surgery you are only hurting yourself by delaying getting healthy. You cancel, you give them your power.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@Jangy03253 - FYI, you might want to read this, sounds like a similar experience: http://www.bariatricpal.com/page/articles.html/_/relationships-dating-and-sex/my-journey-of-loss-love-and-finding-the-new-me-r493

[Jangy03253 56]

Oh I tell them all the time how i feel.. I tell my husband the most that I cant understand why he does not protect me. But, all I get is I do not want to hear it.. Noone but the two of us have anything to do with our marriage and only the two of us can make decisions in our marriage. But, what he does not understand is when he just does not say anything about their behavior it just gives them the ok to do it more. I found out by asking his daughter today what i did to make her hate me so much.. she said i didnt do anything.. but he was her daddy and she didn't want to share him then and don't want to share him now. She also said that his mom feels the same. This is a very unhealthy relationship for him, for me, for everyone.. It is more so that they are his wives and i am not. I am trying to get someone in my court to be my voice thru surgery. Anyone in my family will do. Just so i can have my surgery and heal.. Then I will be making major life changing decisions. No marriage is healthy like this. Unfortunately, I love him dearly and I hate to know that it does not matter who it is.. me or someone else.. He will be a lonely man forever if they have anything to do with it.

[Jangy03253 56]

okcpirate i did read it.. took me awhile to get thru it all.. But, it is very similar other then I have not left yet. I do talk with the therapist that cleared me on my psych eval every week. He is also in agreement that I need to have the surgery and then once healed take charge of my life and go home since noone here has my best interest at heart. Thank everyone for giving me such support today.. it was a horrible day or me and im trying to get thru all this stuff without smoking a cig. i know they are trying to sabotage what i have done so far. i just need to quit allowing people to hurt me and live my life for me and what is to come after surgery.. i just know this is major and it scares me to go into it stressed out.

[gowalking 10,790]

Wishing you all the best. Hopefully the surgery will empower you and give you the impetus to resolve many of your other challenges.