THE impossible thing that is possible

Its evident and fact since my fill with good restriction I no longer care about food. I dont mourn it or crave it At all. This is how I feel now and every day.

But.. I do not think that is possible. I did not decide that food was no big deal and choose to let it go.. And to be obsessed and unable to control what I ate and lived everyday caring about food more than anything else for 15 years and have tried hundreds ways to find my way to freedom from it..

Obviously when in doubt, you choose whats evident, not what your mind thinks.

But its not that easy if what is evident doesnt seem possible and until it can be explained how its possible.. I will be thinking the impossible is possible and well thats just crazy..

Something cant be possibe AND impossible.. ya see how you can go crazy in circles..

To illustrate ... here is how I ate, every month for the last 10 years at leaste.

This was the usual, every day basics.

I HAD to have fast food daily, many times more than once..I would feel all uptight if I couldnt get my little burger, KFC snacker, cheese curds, hershey pie, egg mcmuffin, ect...

I had a rootbeer float or a coffee drink or a smoothie everyday, minus maybe 4 times a month. Sometimes 2 or 3. I had to have one or feel sad.

I could drink 1 to 5 slurpies a day in the summer.

I drank a gallon of milk and juice per day. There had to be milk in the house at all times and everyone made sure of it, daily ritual. If I was out of juice and no one would get me some I would cry and feel lethargic until It came and then I would gupl it like a maniac feeling blissfully refreshed and alive again.

I went out to china, resturants, KFC, buffets, about 4 times a month.

I would spent bill money on it unable to resist. I did this all the time..

I spent money we couldnt afford on pizza and fast food all the time. I would seriously be holding the money, knowing i cant do it and the food was just too tempting.

The house food I ate was corndogs, nachos, frozen foods, candy, chips and Cookies, cerial.. we made a simple meal maybe once a month. I liked fast small amounts of junk foods over a meal.

What different now than then:

The only fast food I have now is KFC mashed potaotes and twice a root beer float.

I drink 20 to 60 ouces of milk and juice a day, not a gallon.

I eat chips and cookies and some other crunchie foods.

Whats new basics: sherbert, tomatoe Soup,

Everything else I have not done since my fill and I have no desire to.

REMEMBER.. I am not resisting anything or controling or having will power.

I SIMPLY DO NOT WANT IT.. Do not care.

I am gonna break this posts up.. more later

I want to thank posters here for telling me to give my self some credit.

That sparked my ability to start thinking that maybe i did deserve the credit, and wasnt able to see what I had done yet.. like in denial?

So I began to wonder what could of happened subconscously ...

I mean I cant keep thinking some magic, out of this world thing happened to me and cant be explained.

And as I was tying I was just coming up with so much stuff..... new thoughts..... and I am not done.... I came to make a new post and finish it in a minute.. I dont even know where I am gonna end up...

But I cant wait to find out.. (funny thing... wont mean I am right..)

I'm reading...keep posting!

So this is typing as I am thinking... and sure to be rambly.

Sorry its full of typos and hard to read.. I dont have the energy to fix it all up before I submit it.. (this is why all my posts will suck.. they are just too long and exhausting enough to write, not impotant enough to edit..)

I looked at the facts first.

First few days:

I got the fill and it was real tight and I was real happy that day...

But I got alitte blue too once home.

I was really really in it now, no more freedom, struggles ahead, fear.

The reality that I failed a 20 yr batttle to loose the weight (on my own)....and the hope that sustained me was now gone.

I felt like a pathetic loser who had to have a band and wished I coulda done it on my own..

I was just having some moments that come with change...

Moping about how I came to be this way at all and stuff....

I sat in the house and when i drank some juice or had some soup and felt lots of resriction..

When i had to stop with out having had much at all.. I felt like I deserved it and didnt have the right to complain.. I was 'taking my medicine'

It was common for me in life that when ever I felt sickenly guilty about something, I wouldnt eat. food was too good for me. It only lasted a day when the initial shock wore off..

Ok.. So this little mood only lasted a couple days.... and can explains why I wasnt upset over being hungry or feeling I needed lots of juice to comfort me.

First couple weeks

Then I was back to my self... excited and so happy to have been finally filled and having restricion and getting this band thing going....

I was very tight... and it was exciting to feel the proof that I really had his this thing that was gonna help me lose weight!

When i couldnt get much down, it made me giddy and excited thinking about my new lease on life..

I actually lived on hot cocoa from seven eleven for a whole week.. three a day...it was all I could get down... but i got the worst diareha and realized I was being stupid.

I began tomatoe soup instead. I love tomatoe soup.

So.. this initial honeymoon period with my band can explain why I wasnt freaking out over food yet.

I was able to diet for a week or two... before i freaked out..

So this also could explain why I was fine with the lack of food..

I wasnt at that point yet.

I so too go on my rollercoaster with my food obsession. I cry sometimes because I cannot put things in my mouth I used to. With my restriction now I wouldn't dare try to eat pizza, or rolls an butter, big fat cheeseburgers or a Mc Griddle. Since my band won't take anything solid until after 10:00 I will never get to eat a McGriddle the rest of my life, since Mickey D's stop serving them after breakfast. Why did this make me sad? It should make me estatic. I am coming to terms with it slowly and working on the getting excited part of it that I can no longer eat that crap I shouldn't be eating in the first place, not even on a splurge. I know I will PB and I know I don't want to do that. I second guess everything that I eat now and that is how I am slowly losing my obsession. Keep writing and keep pushing to understand your obsession and how it ticks and how we can get it to stop ticking for good. Good luck!!

Well after a few weeks........

I was still on soup and juice and milk and began to realize I may need an unfill.

This was a huge stressor for me.....just thinking about making a phone call, driving, walking to the office, back out and driving home...overwhelmed me.

I didnt want to go... I was all paniced.. ??

My kids were like "get the unfill so you can eat" SIMPLE. (usually)

It wasnt that simple because:

Thing was I hadnt been able to take my pain pills all this time.

I usually took about 4 viccidan a day (the crushed pills were too much to swallow along with the amount of juice needed to get it all out of your mouth... and 60 miligrams of MSContin (not to be crushed)

I had a morphine patch.. but for some reason my doctor thinks a 25 miligram morphine patch is enough to replace 60 miligrans of it and vicidans too..

I felt like crap.. Not until this prospect of going to the fill came up I hadnt realized how crippled up i was.

I didnt realize it cuz I had began living in a camper at the same time.. I slept on the couch and everything was two feet away. I alos stopped driving cuz loss of insurence, so I wasnt running erronds either. My daughter was doing all my duties. (we had a crisis..long story)

Now had I still been in my house... I would have noticed it and been bed ridden by now.

So when the kidds said "just go, so you can eat"

I didnt give a crap about eating!!!... I was worried about the pain and suffering and exhaustion and UGH

So this makes perfect sense because there was one and only thing that could keep me from food and that was pain.

It was always true that I rather starve all day long than get up and get my own food... if it was going to cause extra pain.

I often waited till noon in bed, until the kids woke up and I would immediately say "get my juice!!!' The kitchen wasnt far... I would be parched, I would wait and wait and hope someone got up soon and crave it... BUT I WOULDNT GET UP AND GET IT.

Many times I didnt eat anything till 5 pm, 9pm... cuz I was in bed or the reclyner on the computer and no one was around and I was in too much pain to climb down and up my stairs to get food, or even into my kitchen and readh for something and grab a drink.

Its NOT that I didnt care about food when I was in pain... Its that I wouldnt physically obtain my own food. So thats not a factor

I had these intense crippling moments like 2 or 3 times a month or for a week strainght.. But when I was hurting... NOT even food could move me.

So... that explains why I was sipping my soup and not caring about food cuz I rather sip the soup and never eat again than suffer the pain of the trip.

My plan was to tell my doctor to medicate me real well, I had stuff to do..

I put it off and put it off..... and during that time I learned alot about my band and what it could tolerate and when and what it's signals were and

such.

BUT.... I am not completely convinced... I could of been whining "I am too bent to make the trip but I want some FOOD.. wah wah.. poor poor me"

If your wondering if my recent move and hardship and lack of driving to be temped by all the foods was something that distracted me from food.. NO WAY.. Those things never had any impact on my obsession for food.

At this time I hadnt even realized that I wasnt craving and crying about the lack of food.. prolly all the stress i was under and fact that I wasnt driving around and my life was totally different now than in our home and I didnt notice my obsession over food was not rearing its ugly head.

Nykee you're reading my mind the past few days. That's what I want, to not care about food anymore, ever again. I'm not even that fat in the whole grand scheme of things, if I were to never lost a gram but to lose this obsession with food I would die happy.

THIS IS WHEN IT HIT ME:

My band was tight all day and mashed potatoes adn sherbert was as solid as I could handle but not till like 5 pm... I sipped juice and ate soup in the afternoon... I just ate as much as my band allowed me to..

But by 9 pm or midnight (depending on my sleeping pattern)

I was so open.... That I could gulp milk and juice, eat sherbert or soup or mash potatoes till I was FULL like normal (not pouch full) and never feel the restrcion feeling I felt all day. I took advantage of the milk and juice and sometimes drank 60 ounces of milk... or juice.

I found out I could eat Cookies and chips and toast. I never felt restriction. So here I was eating 10 cookies and a grab bag of cheetos each night...

I coulnt eat solids... well I didnt really try, I was affraid..

i was able to have some corn and chicken in soup....but if anything didnt chew till it was gone. I spit it out.

I was reminded of what food addiction felt like and how I couldnt control it.

I knew I was consuming enough calories at night to hinder weight loss, yet I couldnt lay off the cheetos and cookies and night after night I had sworn I would just eat a meal and a couple cookies.. But I just ate and ate until I was stuffed.

Then I realized how different I was..

I had been the same for 15 years or so...Whenever I couldnt have the food I wanted (cuz of a diet) I would go crazy, I had to resist and well you guys must know what that feels like.. IT SUCKS.

And now I suddenly dont care? and hadent even noticed?

I have been obsessed with this little impossible fact ever since.

It was obvious that I would eat as much as my band would allow, and the kinds of food it would allow...

I began to think of fast food and pizza and wonder WHAT IN THE HELL WAS MY PROBLEM... How had I not noticed these things?

So facinated..

I made a list of what my eating habits were....before the fill..

It took some time to really remember everything but I ended up coming up with a really good account of how it was on a daily basis and the same every month.... and had been for a long time.

INSERT THAT LIST FROM POST ONE HERE.

I was discusted and shocked at what I saw.

I had made the list to show how obsessed I was with food and how much I wasnt eating any more and yet I wasnt obsessed any more. I thought it would be really neat.

It wasnt neat. It was mortifying, It made me feel ashamed and ignorant and stupid and unable to find any excuse or remotely acceptable reason why I had lived like that and MY KIDS HAD BEEN involved in all of it.

I wanted to share the list with the kids (13,14,17,18) and show them how different our lives were just two moths ago...and havent they noticed that we never have fast food or go to a resturant and did it bother them or did they miss it...?

I talk to my kids about everything.. and I was too ashamed...

And just now I have thought of something else.. Dang it..

Its big.. and its horrible and its just now dawned on me and thats what i will write about next.. even though I am no where close to explaining why I think I can take the credit for my sudden lack of obsession for food..

I havent even started that theory yet..

My fingers are bleeding lol

So.. this is hard.. I am not talking to anyone else about this yet..

I will just make a list of the tings that took place all the time in my home that had to do with food and me and my kids.......

NOW it seems so horrible and not something I was capible of....I cannot imagine what an outsider would think.

(me and my kids are close.. they love me to death...we are a very special family who have always prided ourselves on and committed our lives to being good, always alittle bit better morally and decent and smart and responsible etc,,, than most around us. We are far from being that great.. its not that hard to be better than people.. they really do have so many defects,....)

Also... i am known as a fairly strong and capible person who knows how to get things done...(minus physically) and handles things..I 'handle' things for many households.. .. I have been constantly praised for this by so many people that It must be true.

I guess i am saying all this because what I am ready to describe is soooo bad.

It really really shows the food obsession and its power... cuz I am not anything like this is any other part of my life....

I am stalling.. god, the more I think about it, the more I cant believe that was our life just a few months ago.

Ok

get me a cup of milk please, theres no milk? of course not. no ones thnks of anything but me, go get milk, I dont care if its raining,

this milk is warm, get me ice, thers no ice, how many times do i have to beg for you to keep the ice tray full, i cant drink it warm, put the cup in the freezer, go get my cup from the freezer, bring me the chocolate, i want to do it myself, bring me a sppon, i like to mix it my self, here wait..put it away.

gimmie the gallion, just the gallon, can you please hurry, this cup is dirty, maybe you dont care to eat dirt but it makes me sick,

you bought the wrong kind, I told you the old fashioned kind, i never get what i want, if you listened you would of got it righ, but you dont liten cuz you dont care, i cant even enjoy this small thing after all i give to you, (I cried when I was brought the wrong food, I threw it acros the room sometimes, I went to my room to go to bed, I saw it as a personal attack and accised them of being heartless) go back, your the one who got it wrong, well that was a waste of money, return it for the right thing, i semd you to get me a juice and because the one I asked for wasnt there, you think I would rather have NOIhing at all?? you think I want you showing up with nothing, I feel like I am goona faint and you have nothing. everytime I go there they have it, I cant beleive they dont have it, I bet you just didnt look hard enough, did you ask, I have told you a million times I hate that flavor, run in and tell me every flavor they have, heres a list, this is second choice and third, they stopped selling those..

get me a fork, i need salt, you forgot ketsup, I need mayo, mustard and ketsup, bring me the bottles, I want to put as much as I want, I want a spoon i will not eat this with a fork, its cold in the middle try again, its not crispy enough put it back in the oven, you know i hate these overcoooked, Please dont pour my milk on my cerial until the last second you bring it to me, heat this up, dont let me forget thats in the fridge, I dont want it to go to waste, you overcooked the noodles and its nasty, i know its in there, look again, its a smmall jar, the fridge is only so big I mean how hard can it be, i swear to god if its found later you are in trouble, its impossible that the sour cream is gone, are you kidding, no way, pigs, you eat everything before I have the chance at it, you know I dont eat that, I want the middle,

I cant even describe it all..

I just know that now.... They get me my food ... but I am not worried about every detail...

Like if I want parm in my soup.. I just say sprinkle some in. I used to make them bring me the bag and a spoon and have to put in the amount I wanted.

If they boil the soup over and cause a film... I dont even flinch..

I used to freak out and make them fix it and ...

Also if I asked for classic and I get creamy, I just eat it, no biggie..

Before I woudl go crazy over not getting what I asked for.

If they get me some sherbert, i will take it as is... I used to be so picky.. oh thats too much, thats too little.. LIKE A DAB more or less mattered.

If something is spilled or left out for a cat to get to.. I just say "its ok.. just pick it up"

I used to act like it was the worst thing they could of done.. I would be like "great, great job, I cant beleive yiou, GOD, so stupid, wasted, all for nothing"

To the smallet things.

I am disturbed by this...i could go on forever..

I will HAVE to forgive myself... obviously I was out of my mind.

Nykee,

I am not a doctor or a psychologist, although I have worked in the field for several years. But what I am hearing from your own description on how things were before and how they are now, it's like you're describing someone going through withdrawals. food was your drug of choice and when you needed a fix, nothing mattered but that fix. You were irritable, miserable and feeling like crap and you would do and say whatever it took to get your food fix. Since you are focusing on losing weight and have taken a very drastic measure to do it by getting the band, you've gradually lowered your need for food naturally so you don't feel that insane pressure of I have to have it now. I understand because I have been there too.

You deserve to take credit, because you are the only one who has made the neccessary changes to take control over your life, starting with the decision to have the band done. You have made the decisions for every step forward you have made, no one else, just you.

You also reached out here to the wonderful, caring and understanding support group to give you the additonal reminders of how really wonderful you are. That's what support is all about, to be their for someone when they are not feeling so good about themselves, and to remind them how special they really are.

All of us struggle with many of the very same self doubt issues you suffer from. Coming together and helping each other is a perfect way of not only helping another person but ourselves as well.

This may sound crazy, but if you can, try a little experiment with yourself for one week. Every day when you go into your bathroom, close the door and look in the mirror at yourself, look yourself in the eyes, smile and tell youself out loud something you like about yourself. Like you have beautiful hair, so smile and say I love my hair and stroke it, brush it, comb it and talk about how soft it feels and how pretty it looks framing your face. At the end of all this smile again at your reflection and say I love you, you are a wonderful person and deserve only good things always.

I know it sounds silly, but try it, you have nothing to lose, no one has to ever know if you even did it. But if you do do it, it will be for yourself, helping you to learn to love yourself as the worthwhile, loving, caring person you are.

I am sharing this exercise with you because a therapist had me to start doing it and it has helped me immensley. You'll be surprised at just how good you can make yourself feel and there's no better feeling than that.

Keep up the great work. Enjoy the real you that is coming out from under that fog of food obsession. Life is good and it can always get better.

Cindy

Nykee, also to add to CINDY's comment about looking in the mirror and saying something nice about yourself and so on.. Leave sticky notes around the house, like in your favorite book or on you dresser mirror or where ever you frequent and write a nice message to yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Also.. it is great that you started to take credit for all your efforts, you have done a great job, keep it up. No matter how a person chooses to lose weight it is never easy fighting the food cravings/addictions. If it was so easy we'd all be skinny minnies. So please.. give credit, where credit is due.

Lastly, just some input on your pain situation, I have been through so much with back surgeries and all the pain meds. (oxycotin at one point up to 100 mg daily) it is not a fun time. I struggle every day with pain. I had a intrathecal pain pump implanted and this has done wonders for me. If you want any info. on this, please PM me and I'll try to answer your questions, the best I can. (it has a port, just like the lap band and you get fills the same way too) There is another person on the LBT that has gone through the same thing I have and I'm quite sure she'd love to share her story with you as well.

Take care..

chichigirl is so right. I once seriously wanted to stab a delivery man from a local burger joint because not only was my food late but my food was soggy from the containers they came in and onion rings are inedible soggy to me. I threw a fit screaming and literally wanted to stab this man. Talk about drug addiction, I thing I have seen that on CSI about cocaine or something. I never thought of the correlation that would have to food addiction. I have also filpped out on my husband when he forgot to check the fast food bag for ranch before he left and came home with no ranch for my sandwich. I have never thought about that before. Keep writing Nykee, you and chichigirl gave me some insight.

thanks, kim

nykee, i love you & glad you are ok. sandie

Nykee, thanks for sharing. What a journey you have been on. I remember feeling bad as you have been struggling the last couple of months but it looks like you have overcome all of your issues and will be a model bandster. Keep up the good work and let your band help you. Celeste

Wow, I appreciate you sharing. It is helping me tramendously. YOu are saying that because of the band, You dont have the obsession of food like you did ?

And your quality of life is better?

Forgive yourself, learn to love yourself and teach your kids how to too. You WERE sick with a terrible disease, and now you are on the road to recovery. Keep pluggin' along and don't hate yourself for what you were, love yourself for what you are and what you're striving to become.

BTW - I grew up in OR, where are you?