My son is an only child. He is six. Minds other adults beautifully, but won't do a darn thing I ask him to do without being lippy, lazy or just not doing it! It drives me crazy! I have tried everything I can think of--and for a while during the winter taking his gamecube away was effective for "punishment", but we don't let him use it in the summer because it's so nice outside. Like right now, I asked him to clean up his toys and he did it kind of half way but still left most if it in the middle of the room. I sent him up to his room and told him he was there for the rest of the night (it's almost bedtime and he was up really early today)--so I go in his room and there is just stuff everywhere--all over the floor, toys, videos. So i got a garbage bag and bagged it all up and told him I was going to throw it all out tomorrow when the garbage man comes. It's not just cleaning, but eating dinner is a battle, going to bed is a battle, taking a bath-- just everything! I am so frustrated! DH is also in agreement that this is a problem, but I don't know what to do to fix it!

Help, I am desperate. So upset. I feel like a failure.

Well. I'm not the mom of a little kid---I'm the mom of a big kid. My Spudboy is 18. I don't think there is a darn thing you can do to change their core personality, or if there is, then I'm not so sure I would want to do it.

My son is sweet, respectful, and kind, but he's lazy and not driven. Talk about messy, and yes, he forgets to take out the garbage and practices work avoidance when it comes to house work. But he will give someone the shirt off his back or sit with them through a crisis, holding their hand and making them feel safe.

What sort of person do you want to have him grow up to be?

I think it has to do with picking your battles. How much control do you really think you need? I let my son pick out everything he was going to wear the next day. Of course, I got veto power if the color or pattern combination hurt my teeth. Bedtime was 7:30 everynight at your son's age, but the only rule was that he had to be in his room and quiet. No TV in his room, only books and quiet toys. If he didn't want to eat what I cooked, he didn't eat. of course, he always had the option of having a Peanut Butter sandwich and milk, I would never dream of using food to punish. No fuss, no muss.

The only think I took a hard stand was that we always treated each other with kindness and understanding. No one is ever permitted to "trash talk" anyone body in my house. Ever. No violence, no agression.

You said you asked him to clean his room and he did a sort of half way job. Okay, sounds about right for a 6 year old kid. You need to tell kids how to do the things you want done. You have to show them. Again, and again and again again.

What do you consider a success? And why?

Thank you for your kind reply--

You are right about picking your battles and finding age appropriate tasks for him to complete--and it ISN"T going to be done the way I would do it, and I have to let that go--maybe all this is the result of a very long day and both of us overtired.

The eating thing just frustrates me--I can't eat much, so I have really tried to ante up my cooking skills, so what we do eat is fab--not exotic, but good. he always has an option of a sandwich if he doesn't like what we have. I don't us food to punish, either...whatever he decides to finally eat, he will eat a bit of it, say he is full, then beg for the rest of the night for "junk"--cheetos, ice cream. I offer yogurt, cheese and crackers, fruit--and all he wants is crap. Just frustrating.

His basic personality is sweet and funny and I am not trying to change that, of course--he is well loved and knows it. I just don't understand why he will immediately do whatever is asked of him at school, church, my parents, friends, complete strangers etc....and I have to ask him 15 times. How do I modify that? I can't bag up all his videos everyday- I was watching dr phil a long time ago and he said to figure out what your kid's currency is and use it as a bargaining chip--I can't find out what it is--of course he was upset when I started putting his stuff in the bag--but I don't know--maybe he has too much stuff and there is too much to care about.......we have pared down and purged alot of stuff that he had outgrown and didn't play with because I thought he was overwhelmed when it came time to put stuff away. You would think that he could take a video out of the machine and put it back in the sleeve....but no! So there are videos all over the place all the time, unless I sit down and put them all away. he can read, so it's not like he doesn't know which ones go where. When I say I will help him do something, he jsut sits there --won't participate, so i either do it or it's a stand off.

Just using the videos as an example of how he doesn't listen/do what I say. This is typical? I have a friend who has 7 kids and they are an amazing family--each child does EXACTLY what she says to do the first time they are asked. And cheerily, not crabbing and sassing the whole way.....

My daughter is 7 and this kind of thing does happen, and not just to you! LOL! This is a corny idea, but one thing that does help is if I make a game out of it..."who can get the most videos put up in two minutes?" Then we race to see who can win! Another theory I have is that too much television causes some of the sassy talk...or, could it be me?! I'm kinda sassy, and every now and then I see and hear myself through her little 7 year old self...does that happen to you? But back to tv...when we limit it, we see improvement. Hang in there...school's right around the corner! Cindy

I sympathize with you. I have a 10 and 16 year old. My 16 year old has been a difficult child to rear. He's ADHD and when he was a youngster drove me nuts. Here's a simple method, in which I've been using and still use to this day. Once you ask them to do something and they don't respond:

It's called "Choices." Give the child a choice, it puts him in control.

Examples: "You can either put your toys away, in the next 10 minutes (set timer) or you can give me the Gamecube for the day."

"You can either brush your teeth now or go to bed early."

Another way to phrase things, puts them in control (later on, once choices is down-pat)

Examples: "If you brush your teeth now, then you can stay up 15 minutes later."

"If you pick your toys up now, I'll go outside and play ball with you."

Always be consistent in your choice. It can take up to 1 week to work.

Never put time out or grounding in his bedroom. It's his playground!

If you have to pick up toys, put in trash bag and hide.

Good luck, Shawn

Well I am an only child, I dont have kids I am only 17, but from my point of view when mom wants me to do something and I was already thinking about doing it then it will ruin everything because it makes me feel irresponsible so I just dont do it. Also, sometimes mom doesnt notice my actions, so I just dont do them like picking up around the house. Sometimes she over does it, and that discourages me too because it embarasses me and makes me feel like she is being sarcastic. I also notice that my mom has a butt detector because I can be standing there doing nothing at all, but as soon as my rear-end makes contact with a seat, she needs something. Even if she is in another room she knows. Another thing is that all my life Mom has threatened to take away my stuff like my TV, or games, computer, going places like walmart or whatever, and I honestly never cared because I knew that I would get it back eventually. Another idea is not to use reverse psychology because I ,myself, tend to take it literally and turn it around. Being an only child I was always treated as older than I was around everyone, so when Mom would treat me like my age then it would hurt my feelings and I wouldnt want to do what she wanted me to do.

*P.S. Us kids like to be rebelious, especially when we go over to other kids' houses and think that they dont have the same general rules as we do at home.

Kimberlilly, do you really think they are really well behaved all the time? (falls over laughing)

Well, I decided that I just needed to go to bed last night, and I did. DS was already asleep, so nothing else to do but that!

No, I don't think they are well behaved all the time, Vines! ha ha--but because I don't have more than one, and most of my friends have much older children (I had my DS when I was 37)I didn't have much to compare to! And the fact that he is so well behaved outside our home makes it so frustrating!

I will take the advice about choices and see how that works--will give it full week to see any result!

Today is a new day!

Thanks all!

I used the choices thing as well, and my son had ADHD on top of being an only child. I think it really worked well for us.

Quit comparing your journey with others!

and the fact that he is so well behaved outside our home makes it so frustrating! [/quote:] Everyone thinks you have a perfect kid and you feel like a failure? You've got everybody wishing they had your kid!

okay, be kind to yourself, and your son.

Vines, you are a wise Momma! Thanks for your support!

Oh! and Mousecrazy, I totally agree with you about sassy TV! He has been limited to videos only until recently and I definately see where the sass is coming from. Only allowed to watch certain channels that are kid oriented--but it took us a while to figure out which ones were appropriate for our family and which ones were not! but it's still tough to be sure of what he is watching/hearing, so it is strictly limited/supervised. Definately a "treat" for him to watch commercial TV, otherwise it's videos up in his room (disney, veggie tales and the like).

I don't think a child that young can follow through on a project such as "clean up your room." I used to have to sit there with my kid and make the project less formidable. I'd sit and say,"First, put away everything that is blue. I don't care what it is, what shape it is...if it's blue, put it away."

When EVERYTHING that was blue was back where it belonged, I'd change it a little and say, "Now put away everything that's round. Wheels, cars, buttons, toys...anything that's round."

It would take forever, and we would take breaks, but she (and I) have a lot of dificulty (and become paralyzed) by BIG MESSES and just stare at them.

She's thirty now. When she is cleaning her apartment, she occasionally calls and (jokingly) says, "Mommy! Tell me what color to start with!"

Well, I would say you must follow through on your threats. If you truly intend on throwing out your sons toys, you must do it. I'm sure he knows you won't actually throw them away. He knows that if he acts up at school that there are consequences immediately; therefore he listens. Are your threats real?

Try using a egg timer for clean up. Lay out your expectations (ie-- all toys, videos and clothes need to be picked up and put where they belong by 8pm). In the beginning try offering incentives for the job at hand. I use a star chart--perfect for this age group. Making Bed, Cleaning Toys, Eating dinner, Using Good Manners, Brushing Teeth, Etc. After filling up the chart for the whole week, take him to the dollar store for a present (you can get away w/ dollar toys now). If he does not get all of his stars for the week, you must not allow him a toy. The chart then starts over-blank-the next week. He'll catch on pretty quick.

Eating- how much food are you expecting him to eat? Try the same portion size that you are eating. Don't expect a 6 year old to want healthy choices. Ask him what he would like, then tell him that after he eats 6 bites(cut by mommy) of what you want him to eat, he may then have what he wants. This usually works well. Six year olds aren't usually really big into variety. They would be perfectly happy with grilled cheese or mac-n-cheese everyday for Breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's all good. Just remember, this is a time where they are learning that they can make up thier own minds. Let him have the freedom of some choice.

Make sure to always praise him for good behaviors. Many children will act out if they think that is the only attention they are getting. Catch him eating a big bite of food and tell you are so proud of him, see him put a few toys away and say good job, etc.

The most important thing to remember is that you ARE a good mommy. Asking for advise shows how much you truly care for your son! Remember he is just 6 years old. Make sure your expectations match the age. The things that we teach our children now will echo into adulthood. With Faith, all things are possible!!!

That is great advice, I wish my mom would have done that, maybe I wouldnt have issues right now lol. Mom is great, she just doesnt respond to her own anger very well, and I am a literal person so when she says fine I'll just do it. I let her do it. When I was bad (I dont do anything right now, seriously, Im a good kid) she would threaten me and if she actually went through with it I was fine lol. I knew that I get a replacement eventually, may not be soon, but eventually

Thank you for your kind reply--

I just don't understand why he will immediately do whatever is asked of him at school, church, my parents, friends, complete strangers etc....and I have to ask him 15 times.

I can give you my opinion of this and the opinion from some tecahers. Kids are most comfotable at home. At school were they do not live they are on the best beahvior....all of that saved energy and frustration is released when they get home. Were they are at home and feel the safest. As long as he makes good grades, no color changes at school then he is great!!!!! As far as eating habits, cleaning and sleeping that is something that yall as a family have to sit down and talk about the rules and bounderies and let him express as well. Maybe make a chart that has chores onit..each of them are worth some sort of $$$ (not alot) example. clean room everyday can be worth 25 cents a day. Placing videos back can be worth something. At the end of the week it is pay day.

My two girls are in school and do not get color changes...they would just die.lol So we got a calender, felt cloths in green, red, yellow, blue and cut them into triangles and the best was worth 25 cents for youngest and 50 cents for oldest. If they had the worst they would owe us money..Needless to say we did not have to do it for long. (and they never owed us money,lol)

We are fixing to start a chore chart with money to earn. My oldest is a Libra and very organized and clean...my second is a Scorpio and needless to say being one myself, well never really organized or very clean..(room and clothes) My biggest battle with her is lost socks and panties..

Good luck

I don't think there is a darn thing you can do to change their core personality, or if there is, then I'm not so sure I would want to do it.

Have to agree with that. I have a 10 year old, an 8 year old and a 2 year old and being able to keep up with their mess is one reason why I really need to lose weight. No matter what I do, they're pigs plain and simple. We dont have any behavioural problems with them, but they're just SO messy and I think that's in their nature because its what I'm like. I have to work everyday to overcome that because of course, I dont have my Mum living here to clean up after me.

Really to keep a decent house with 3 that age, you just have to be prepared to not sit down ALL day. Just follow them round with vacuum and mop. At present I just cant manage that, I'm done by 3pm.

No real advice just commiserations, lol. They're blessings, really.