Hello, bandsters,

I am the very supportive (un-banded) partner of a person who is going to be banded on June 23rd. In the 20+ years we've been together, my partner has tried so hard to lose weight, and both of us think that the band is going to be the tool that will finally allow that to happen. I've been reading posts on Lapbandtalk several times and week, and it has been a wonderful learning experience.

I would like to know if there might be a forum created for family and friends who are supporting bandsters. How did they help your bandster pre-op and post-op? How do you know if something is wrong? I'll be with my partner the whole first week, and I want to make that period as comfortable as possible.

I do a good deal of the cooking as well, and I expect I'll be doing more than usual since my partner won't be up to much for a while. I'd really like some information about what to cook during the various phases. My cooking is very healthy, but I'm terrified that I'll accidentally make my partner have a PB and get sick.

I'd also find it helpful to speak with others about their experiences in supporting a person who is losing weight on the band. How can I support my partner's transformation emotionally as well as physically, since I know there's going to be a lot of flack from our friends that my partner has taken the "unnatural" step of having surgery. I imagine that family members, especially spouses, have gone through their own personal transformations as well as their bandster faced challenges and successes.

Would members here feel comfortable with such a forum? If not, is there a forum elsewhere that I can go to to learn from other family members and to support their experiences while we support their bandsters?

Thanks for listening. You are all tremendously courageous!

BadgerMom

Great idea, BadgerMom.

And it's great to know you are supportive and care so much about the well-being of your SO.

Badgermom,

My partner keeps asking, "Is there somewhere I can go to learn how to support you?" I have my lapband on Thursday and I am having a rough go of it. She has been incredibly supportive...even sitting in the er until 2:00am this morning.

wobin

My husband would likely join you. He's registered here and has posted a couple of times, but not much. He's been a tremendous support and I think he'd have some valuable input. I'll point him to this thread.

It looks like you've already created the forum (thread) for supporters. Well done! Are you ready for a long post on your thread? Here it goes!

I am Shinnyhappymommy's husband. She had her Lap Band Surgery in early February this year. She is doing GREAT !!!

First of all, I'm no expert in all of the aspects of support. I'm definitely no expert in the Lap Band itself. I find myself often asking my wife questions about her Lap Band and everything that goes with it.

While reading your post, something came to mind: I think the greatest success can be had with a Lap Band surgery when the actual patient is the one who is most informed. With a life-changing decision like the Lap Band is, the patient really needs to want it, needs to be informed, and needs to be constantly motivated.

My wife did a lot of research and asking questions and making phone calls and discussing with many different people here in the Lap Band Talk message boards. I am very greatful that my wife educated herself about what different kinds of foods would be good sources of what she needs for the different recovery diet stages.

For that first whole week after surgery, you'll likely need to have work off so you can be there mostly 24/7 while the patient recovers and works through the liquid diet phase. If you're concerned about knowing if something goes wrong, the doctor's/surgeon's office should educate you enough especailly right after the operation.

During the liquid phase, I just made sure that I knew what my wife needed. Two things stuck in my mind: Protein and PORTION CONTROL. Even though the patient is banded, and likely will not be able to eat much per sitting, they still need to make sure they are getting the protein they need. Protein drinks are a good help here during the liquids-only phase if you can find one that doesn't taste too bad. chicken and beef broths helped too. Remember, liquids only really means liquids only. It may be a struggle, but it's worth it.

After the liquids only and mushy phases, my wife could pretty much eat what the rest of the family was eating, just in smaller portions. When we sit down to dinner, my wife doesn't have anything to drink with dinner. She either needs to drink a good glass of Water well before or a while after dinner.

To avoid any PB, the patient will NEED to be sure that they know what their new system can and cannot handle. The patient needs to be serious about the different diet phases during recovery. When the patient is back to eating solids, avoiding a PB takes some self discipline. My wife has had just one or two PBs, and if I remember correctly, she thinks that they could have been prevented if she remembered to EAT SLOWLY and CHEW THOROUGHLY. Most of our lives with our busy schedules, we've been condtioned to eat quickly. A Lap Band patient must learn to eat slowly and chew their food throuoghly. Those two things seem to be big keys to keep food from getting blocked at the band.

As far as emotional support goes, just be there for them. Be understanding. Don't be critical. Let them know that you are committed to their success. Ask them how you can help them. But seriously, it takes some self disicpline and motivation on their part. When my wife makes a decision, she is very well-focused. I don't feel like I need to remind her about anything, because she, from early on, made up her mind to make this change 100%. She really is doing most of the work. I'm just along for the ride. Her transformation has already shown wonderful successes, and she's not even half-way to her goal yet.

I hope that my rambling has made some sense. Let me know if I can continue to help.

Tell us more about your partner. Are they motivated?

it is wonderful that you are being so supportive. It will make a big impact on your partner at least with knowing that you are there. I am starting the process and my hubby says he is behind this, but he doesn't want to be involved. I do think it will affect him in some ways if only in watching what is happening to me. I know that having someone more involved and knowledgable about what is happening makes it easier to not have to keep explaining things to your own partner. I have not seen anywhere on this web site that is not for supportive family and friends. This is a wonderful place for anyone who is interested in gaining understanding and information. I think you are doing a wonderful thing for each other.

Yes, indeed, There For Her, my partner is motivated. Thank you so much for the information. She's been experimenting with various types of Protein drinks for almost three weeks to find out which kinds she likes (she can't do the regular animal protein ones because they make her sick for some reason, but she likes the Spirutein drinks which are soy-based), and has been practicing the chew, chew, chew bit. Her veggies got cold the other night before she got to them - she says she figures she's going to have to get used to that. I guess that's what microwaves were made for. And her surgery isn't scheduled until June 23rd, so she's gearing up for it.

She's not always much of a reader, so we are both doing research, but she's dong the bulk of it. We had looked at RNY, bypass, and the Optifast diets at various points over the years, and the medical risks or chances of long-term success (with Optifast) just didn't seem worth it, but this time we talked about it, and we both came to the conclusion that it's either the band, which is so much safter, or more weight gain, and she didn't want the second option. She calls the band "Weight Watchers with a washer." She also has three people at her work who have been banded, so she has an instant support group, which is great.

So, I have three questions:

How can we request to make this an official forum so we don't have to go digging in the Introductions posts to find each other and other people can find us? Since I'm a total newbie, I have no idea how to do this.

Has anybody tried using the sugar-free Torani syrups that are used to flavor coffee and Italian sodas as a way to add flavor to their Protein shakes? I was going to pick up some for her if they sounded good.

Here's the hard one: We live in a state where being seriously overweight is the norm, not the exception (Wisconsin - it's the cheese), and most of our friends are either obese or morbidly obese. I have already seen two of them offer only lukewarm support to her when she told them she was having the surgery, and then I heard one of them subtly try to sabotage her right away ("You will get treats, won't you? Don't let them tell you that you can't have treats."). I was so upset, I almost cried then and there. :cursing: I've heard that this can happen - the person who is losing weight gets subtly pressured to "get back in line" with their "friends" who are still overweight - and I've watched it happen to her when she's lost weight before. The minute it became obvious that she was losing weight, people suddenly started shoving sweets at her like she had to be starving without them. My partner has decided not to tell anybody else about the band right now, but it's going to become obvious at some point. Does anyone have any other ideas on how to deal with this, especially as her partner?

I think that it is a great idea. My wife and I did this togehter. My sister-in-law did it also. We support each other and that helps the most. We have other support but most people do not say anything or we get praises of how we look. I would not let other people get in your way with this. I did not tell my side of the family that I have done this for many reasons. We will be a year out in Sept. and have both done great. Have you thought about being banded also? I hope that this helps you out. Good luck with your partner and she getting the band.

Chris

Thanks for the support Chris. I am not in need of a band (BMI 19.5 on a good day), which is why I wanted to find out from bandsters whether they thought a family and friends forum would be helpful or whether they would prefer we just butt the heck out : ) and how to support my partner when I don't have the experiences she has had. I did see that someone is asking today whether banding will affect the rest of the family. Looks to me like a Family and Friends (banded or otherwise) group is definitely needed.

I read a helpful solution for keeping the food warm since it take longer to eat. This lady said she bought a mug warmer and then put her food on a saucer and kept it on the warmer. That way it stayed warm without having to run to the microwave, and it kept the original flavor. Hope this helps. SC

Badger, I think you can email Alex, the site person and request it be created. I think it's a great idea. I know my husband lurks around here, but he might post if he knew where to.

Thanks, everyone, for being patient as I create the Family and Friends Forum. I'm afraid I have to plead ignorance on how to do something like this (this seems like such a huge website), so I am in touch with Alex who is helping out and has been terrific. I have one member in the forum already (me), and I need a second one to create the forum, so if any of you are interested or have a family member/SO/friend who is interested, have them post so we can get the forum up and running.

After a glorious dinner of sushi last night, my partner has started her liquid diet this morning. She feels really ready, having experimented with all kinds of Protein shakes for the last three weeks or so. She can't drink the milk-based ones, but she likes the Spirutein shakes that are non-GMO soy based. I think they're quite drinkable as well, though I wouldn't want to live on them.

We had a bit of a donnybrook for a couple of days earlier this week. My partner has been scheduled for surgery on June 23 for a little over a month now, having been told by the doctor that the surgery was approved. This Tuesday, though, I got a call from the clinic saying that the surgery was not approved yet after all, and we were going to have to wait for a final decision from her employer, rather than her insurance. My partner was really good about it, but I just about hit the ceiling. Being a legal advocate as my profession, I got on the phone and contacted everybody connected with the process to find out what the heck had happened. It seems that while the insurance company requires either a BMI of 40+ alone or a high BMI plus two co-morbidities, the employer requires two co-morbidities no matter what the BMI is. In other words, their standard for approval is more strict than their own insurance requires. The evaluation team for the insurance had approved the procedure, but the employer hadn't done so. I have a sneaking suspicion that they have realized how many of their employees are likely to decide to have LapBand, and they may be trying to stem the tide by requiring more criteria than even their own insurance provider requires so they can avoid paying out benefits. We hadn't been told this, and there was nothing written down that we could get from anyone to refer to. So it was a matter of having the clinic send medical records off to the employer's insurance worker to get the final approval.

Anyhow, the two co-morbidities, which she had, didn't have to be life-threatening, thank heavens, and we got the final approval, but a word to the wise: if your employer will be paying for the procedure under your insurance, make sure that you know exactly what the criteria are since they may be different from the general requirements of the insurance provider, and make certain that the doctor you are seeing documents every little problem that you/your bandster has related to weight, whether physical or psychological since it can make the difference between approval or denial of the procedure.

One day down, nine to go until B-Day!

BadgerMom

I think this is fantastic creating a support link. I hope I can get my non supportive kids to read it. Good luck to you and your wife!

Badger Mom and There for her I am in awe of the two of you and how you are both so willing to help your Significant Other in this Lapband Process. I am no longer married because my Significant Other (who loves fat women) couldn't handle my losing weight and I wasn't even doing it the lapband way at the time. I have asked one long time male friend and his soon to be Bride (who is a Nurse) for recovery help and support if I get Medicare approval to get the lapband. By the way I have my first consultation Dr visit on July 22nd. I will be talking with my friends soon and will ask them if they would be interested in being a part of this Family and Friends Forum. I think it is an excellent idea and I hope it will become a part of this lap band community. :smile:

Ssflbelle wrote:

>I am no longer married because my Significant Other (who loves fat women) couldn't handle my losing weight<

Gosh, that must have been painful. I know that everyone has their preferences for who they are attracted to, but you are still you even if the package size changes. I'm sorry your SO didn't feel comfortable enough with your weight loss to try to work it out.

I work as a public benefits/senior law paralegal, and I've never encountered a case regarding LapBand or bariatric surgery. I didn't know that Medicare would cover bariatric surgery, but it sure does:

(see http://www.amaassn.org/amednews/2006/03/13/gvsb0313.htm ) It looks like they even have less stringent criteria than my partner's private insurance, which is great. I can tell you that in order to get Medicare to approve a procedure, you're going to need to document every little thing, so if your doctor doesn't like taking notes, nag her/him to put it all down, every little weight-related symptom you have. If Medicare denies the request, I would appeal the decision if you think you meet the criteria. Get the o.k. from Medicare in writing before you go into surgery in order to avoid having to appeal a denial after surgery has been performed (barn door open, horse long gone, not fun). It can take time to get these approvals - Medicare is a monster-sized agency - so be prepared to wait a bit. If you think you can't do it alone, and if you are a disabled person or over 60, you may want to contact your local Legal Services agency to see if you can get an advocate to help you with any appeal.

Best of luck to you!

BadgerMom

For all you support people out there: God Bless Ya! You have to know how important you are. At first my SO was all gung ho about it, "I will be there for ya, honey, no matter what..yada yada" But then he started questioning...are you sure you can afford this, do you know how hard its going to be on you, do you really think you are that heavy? and on and on. Then he couldn't be bothered to come to the support group meeting. Then he did come and sit with be before surgery, but left when i got out because "You are just going to sleep all day anyway" and he came back the next day to "help me" get back to my car. I ended up driving myself there 2 1/2 hr drive and back home. In the week following, he only called me once to see how I was doing. And he questioned why did I wait so long and didn't call him! Needless to say, his idea of support and mine are far apart. It has made me question if I want to stay involved with him. He has managed to lose a bunch of weight by eating healthy and watching his portions. I feel this is a subtle message that hey, why can't you do that too? It makes me sad because I really like the guy. But I know I can't depend on him for support. In fact when we get together for a dinner date or go anywhere to eat, its him plus my hunger I will be fighting. I ask myself if its even worth it. So again, to all you support people, stand by your partner, and know you are well appreciated. Sorry for ranting, but it felt good to write this down. Best of luck to all of you who are looking at or have had surgery.