:confused2:I am wondering what advice anyone can offer?

I am going to file for separation/divorce.

I have a 2 year old daughter, from our marriage, and will seek sole physical custody.

FYI... he is having "issues" of substance abuse.

We have been together 15 years/ married 9 years.

We have been to counseling for 2 years, with two counselors. 1st one was 8 months, and this one... 4 months.

I never thought it could come to this... but it has.

I am looking for "advice"/experience from those who have been there and done that.

Thank you for any helpful comments. :teeth_smile:

I have no advice, but.. a 2 year old with a substance abuse?

Good luck with everything!

I have no advice, but.. a 2 year old with a substance abuse?

Good luck with everything!

I hope you didn't think I meant a 2 year old substance abuser?

My daughter-Mazie- is 2, beautiful and innocent.

My husband is 40 years old, and abuses substances.

I worry about our child being affected by his issues, and our troubles.

I am trying to protect her.

Even though you are seeking sole custody, if there is no official records documenting his substance abuse, the court may very likely award him visitation. If they do, I would demand that those visitations be supervised. How are his parents? Are they responsible and are they aware of his problems? If so, perhaps it could be designated that they be present during visitations.

My advice is to get a good lawyer.

Even though you are seeking sole custody, if there is no official records documenting his substance abuse, the court may very likely award him visitation. If they do, I would demand that those visitations be supervised. How are his parents? Are they responsible and are they aware of his problems? If so, perhaps it could be designated that they be present during visitations.

I love his parents very much. And they love him very much but, I think they are in serious denial too. They know that he has used marijuana... in the past... but not sure that they are truly aware of how bad, that, and his Rx issues, have become.

Can I ask to court to test him, for documentation?

Any experience/advice is welcome. :teeth_smile:

My advice is to get a good lawyer.

I have been a stay at home Mom, since pregnancy, money is a factor... but I'm working on some "creative financing" for a lawyer. I think she is a good one... she is also works as a child advocate.

Thank you... I know that will help me out.

My advice is to get a good lawyer.

I second this

A good attorney would be wonderful---if that is not something you can swing, look into legal aid.

In some places an actual attorney will be appointed for you, in others, an attorney will be at your service---for directing you what to file, how to answer papers from his attorney etc.

While you are still married, if the Rx issues are actually being prescribed by a Dr. get a print out from your pharmacy of what your family has obtained over the last year---if he uses multiple Dr.'s or multiple pharmacies, it will raise a red flag. I get one of the print outs each year to use with our medical flex account.

If he is buying pharmacueticals off the street or internet, then you have no paper trail.

Go to the bank---get a copy of how much is in your joint account, and if necessary, move half of it---document what you use your new account for....household bills, Maizie to the Dr. etc.

I wouldn't quit seeing the therapist, even if you have to go on your own....show you are trying to find the best way to handle this for your child.

In everything you do....try to imagine how you will explain those actions not only to a judge, but to your daughter when she is 16. Do your best to protect yourself and yet to be fair. The desire for revenge and those type of feelings is going to be so strong! But maintain your integrity---your DD deserves to make her own opinion of her father.

You can discuss with the therapist how to handle the visitation with his drug addictions----and you yourself can call her as a witness. ANYTHING you can use----former rehabs anything of the sort---can be used to require drug testing----and offer to submit to the same, they see it as willingness to work together, as opposed to seeing it as the usual divorce accusations.

While she is 2.....they usually will allow a staggered, stepped arrangement for visitation. My DD divorced not long ago, and her DD was under 2, so they had her seeing her Dad one evening a week, for 2 hours, and one day every other weekend, through the age of 5, then it will begin with 1 overnight visit. And go on up from there.

If he does not get his life together, and the 2 of you are not there to hold him together, he may spiral down, and visitation will end up a moot point.

Most states require some form of mediation prior to the actual court hearings, so you, your DH, and a court appointed mediator will sit down as many times as necessary to sort out holidays, visitation times, claims for income tax, all kinds of things involving kids, as well as community property. What it boils down to is that you figure out your divorce settlement prior to appearing in court----then if the judge feels it is fair, or there is a reason for it being a one sided agreement---they grant it---but they avoid getting into the division of property and custody. They like that settled prior---by the parties involved.

Most Child support is a simple formula, it varies a bit by state. His income, any insurance costs he incurs for the child, your income, and then it computes. Some states use a simple percentage of income, others limit CS to be paid on a 40 hour work week, meaning you cannot get CS paid on overtime worked---or a second job he might take----or you if the situation reversed.

Begin documenting EVERYTHING!!!!!

If you have a discussion about his addiction, as soon as you can write down every word exchanged, the time, everything you can remember---make a copy, drop it in an envelope and mail it to yourself, or a trusted family member. When it arrives, leave it sealed---it is dated, documentation then.

Hang in there-----and do what you need to to keep you and your child safe...Both you and Maizie deserve it Kimberly

Kat

Do you love him? If you do, fight for him. (His health, mental and physical and your marriage). Not all counselors are created equal. There are some fabulous programs for Crisis intervention - and they are much cheaper than a divorce!

If you don't love him, get a good lawyer and a play therapist for your 2 year old. I have worked in the Mental health field for over 5 years and divorce is never pretty.

Good Luck in your decision.

Thank you all very much. Keep the information coming.... it is all very helpful.

It has been a long hard road, with mixed feeling and thoughts.

All of our 15 years together (9 married) it is the same story... I will stop using when XXXXXXX happens.... etc. XXXXXX always happens but, he has never stopped using.

Like when, we get married, I won't use again, when we have the baby, I will stop (miscarried).... when Mazie comes I would never use when we have a child, I am getting a different job, we need to move to the bigger house.....on and on. 5 houses, and three pregnancies (1 child) later...... we have seen two counselors, and still the same stories/lies.

The RX are not always his, or mine, or his Mom's, or his SILaw....etc.

I'm not completely innocent.... before 2002 I used Marijuana too. But thought we were on the same page, when we have a family things will be very different. I grow up, and he grew bitter?

I will be praying for you....I know that even though this feels like the right thing to do, its gotta be really hard. :thumbup:

I wish you the best of luck...

Kat, really great advice. :eek:

I agree with everything Kat said...especially:

Document EVERYTHING

Things will get much worse before they get any better. Be prepared to demonstrate the patience of Jobe...for your daughter's sake.

Practice saying this a zillion times in front of the mirror: "Talk to your lawyer." In other words, don't get into fights with him that you know will be fruitless. Just makes your blood pressure go up and involves your daughter in battles she doesn't need to hear.

Divorce is a terribly nasty process under the best of circumstances, even when both parties agree it's for the best. Be very sure you are mentally and emotionally prepared to go the distance. However bad you think it might get....multiply that by 10 and that is closer to reality.

Hate to say it, but don't count on getting child support. There's a helluva lot of deadbeat dads out there. I'm just saying that when you consider your housing situation, don't count on that child support being there....it very well may not be. Don't buy a house that you can't pay for yourself. don't sign any expensive long-term leases.

Sorry to be such a pessimist. Better to err on the side of caution.

Good luck to you, sweetie. We're here for you.

Mazie.. yes, I thought you were saying your 2 year old had a substance abuse.. I was confused! Glad you clarified, I was trying to figure out how that could possibly happen.

Good luck and good job for looking out for Number 1 & little 2!

Move far away.

Kimberly -- I'm so sorry things have gotten to this point! My only additional advice, beyond get a good lawyer, is to consider checking out www.al-anon.com or attending a local meeting. Long-term substance abuse is the over-riding problem you see in your marriage, and it seems to me that they are the people with knowledge to help your specific issues. Perhaps you'll even get some hints regarding "proof" needed for your custody battle...

My husband & I have been living separately since November (over his adultery), but not are legally separated, in part, because of the money-issues. I've not been employed since we decided to have children seven years ago! There's no cache of funds stowed safely some place for that "what if" day that I never thought would come! So in terms of the money, perhaps I'm in your shoes!! Like TerriDoodle brought up...don't count on child support/alimony when making plans for your housing/support. It's fine to say you know he would never do something evil like short Mazie on child support (if you can say that), but what is the reality of his substance abuse if you are at the point where you feel your marriage needs to end because of it. And while garnishing of wages is routine (in my state) for all child & spousal support payments, his maintaining a job plays a vital role in the reliability of that income!! If your DH is headed on a downward spiral that could lead to his getting fired, that is another something you really need to consider! Can any honorable intentions toward you & your daughter he might have be relied upon when/if his life is so unstable? Take the time to play out the scenario further than NOW before you make any rash decisions...

I wish you the very best of luck!! And don't forget to take care of you, too. Because Mazie will need her mommy now more than ever before!