OK, this is my first official Rant. Forgive me if I ramble.

I need some advice QUICK!

"Brief" Background info - My parents were married 35 years too long and 5 years ago they finally divorced after 35 years of marriage. Dad treated mom like dirt, then had the huevos to claim it was her fault they divorced when she stood up for herself and said she was no longer willing to live under the same roof with him until he agreed to go back to marriage counselling. I'm sure you can all see I have no bias or lasting resentments over this. Right? OK moving forward in the last 5 years Dad remarried, Sis hated the new wife with a passion & was very nasty to both Dad & wife. Other than asking the perspective wife if she was sure my dad would treat her right, I always treated them politely, and respected how the new wife wouldn't put up with my fathers same old crappola. Then mom remarries to a wonderful albiet rough-a-round the edges retired electrician. Here goes my sister again having problems with the whole idea of one of her parents being with someone new. She can barely be civil about the whole thing. OMG! My sis is a full grown woman with 3 of her own children and our parents are in their 60's don't they deserve to find some happiness? Meantime she has made all nicey nicey with our Father and his wife and keeps going on about how much she enjoys spending time with them. YUCK!!!

OK believe it or not that was the short version. If any of you are still reading here is my RANT.

I am driving 200+ miles tonight to spend the holidays with both my family and my husbands. I am already resigned to having 3 seperate events, Mom, Dad & finally Inlaws. It has been arranged for me to spend Saturday morning celebrating with Mom at my Sisters home and then with my Dad Saturday afternoon at my sisters. Only and here is the kicker... my Sister announced to me over the phone today that she will be taking her family to a movie or somewhere while I Celebrate with my Father (at her house mind you) so she can celebrate her Christmas with him later without me around. Her excuse was that since she is getting along so much better with him lately she thinks life is too short to allow herself to have to worry about wether my father & I's feelings of akwardness around each other might "ruin" her Christmas. WTF????!!!! OK I have issues with my Dad, I think that has been established. But despite my harsh words on this board, I love him, he knows I love him, and our only real face to face problem is that we both feel a bit akward around each other like we are not quite sure what to talk about. In a large group setting like a Christmas party no one would even notice outside of my Dad & I. It only is an issue when we are alone together (on the phone or in person).

I told her I understood, I told her I didn't care. But the more I think about it the more ticked I get. It just seems selfish to me. And a bit two faced as she sees absolutely nothing wrong with me having to take the larger risk of her ruining my Christmas with our Mother with her blunt and rude behaviour towards our mom and her new husband.

The more I think about it the more I'm tempted to either call or e-mail her and say the following.....

I understand that you are afraid having me around while you celebrate Christmas with dad might be akward. I really do, and if that is what you want to do I will respect it and will not be offended. However, I have to wonder if you have considered whether your current issues with Mom & her husband might cause similar problems for my Christmas with her. Using your logic it would follow that I should arrange to celebrate the holidays with our mother while you aren't around so that I wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable over issues you two have that are non of my business. Is this really the road you want to take? As you have said life is short, are you going to allow the chance of a few akward moments to tear this family further apart?

....OK I thought if I wrote her an e-mail I could write it in a way that didn't sound quite so adversarial or accusitory. I guess I was wrong. Maybe I could do better over the phone where she could here my tone of voice and could tell that I wasn't actually yelling at her. I really just don't get why she thinks its OK to say she doesn't want to celebrate Christmas with our father together because of my issues with him but doesn't think twice about how her issues with our mother might effect my Christmas.

It's probably only going to make things worse if I call her (or e-mail her) but if you guys don't calm me down soon it's taking everything in me not to pick up the phone right now. I'm just so sick of her doing selfish, childish crud like this and then me (the older sis) feeling I have to take it quietly to keep what little family peace is left.

oh hell no!

sorry, i wouldnt want to 'entertain' dad at sis's house w/o her being there... and i know its not really entertaining, but if things are already a bit awkward with you two... hell no.

i say send the email, that is so wrong.

Got to run my doctor's appt, but I'll post when I get back. I know how infuriating family can be.

Thanks LJM & Enterprise - I think part of me is more hurt than jealous or mad that my sis isn't willing to help make it less akward for dad & I by just letting us all celebrate together. My Christmas with him would be much better if she would just do it with us as our problems with each other (Dad & I) really are much easier to mask in larger groups.

I can relate. My DH's family is getting more and more awkward to be around, his mom died 5 years ago, and that was hard on all of us. Since then, his dad has lived with 2 women. The current one makes sure that they spend time with HER kids/grandkids, and doesn't make any effort on her part to make sure that he's involved with HIS kids/grandkids. Now, I know he's a grown man and can make his own decisions, but I suspect he's being kept so busy that he doesn't know when to squeeze any time out for us, and doesn't care enough to make it a point to do so. These are just my ramblings, DH and I don't have any kids, so it doesn't affect us as much, but he totally missed his own granddaughter's 13th birthday. Didn't call or anything. It disgusts me because the kids love him and miss him, but he's always busy with his GF's family, and his own grandkids feel abandoned by him.

All that to say this: The awkwardness is less noticeable when we're a housefull of people. The less people involved in the gathering, the more awkward it becomes. Your sister would actually be helping you keep it from becoming too awkward by BEING THERE with you. Her absence automatically adds to the tension. I'd slap her upside the head for you if I could, that's just not acceptable.

I think you either have to say something now, or suck it up until after the holidays, but I think you should say something at least after about how bad it made you feel.

It kind of depends on her; some people you have to say something before the situation comes up, because if you point back to it they can say "oh yeah, sorry" but then the next time they'll do the same thing. Other people don't realize what they were doing and once they are shown, they will really feel bad and make an effort not to have the same kind of behavior going forward.

Well, I called her. I should have called as soon as it started to bother me instead of waiting a couple hours. Instead I ended up stewing over it until by the time I called her I was practically shaking and ended up crying before I could even explain why I was calling. I told her that even though part of me understood her reasons which were more complex that I had posted, and not all to do with me or my issues, I was still hurt by what she had said.

Of course someone had to walk into my office while I was still crying/talking to her. I am one of those people who cry when what I really want to do is punch a hole in the wall (or a face) but know I don't want to face the consequences of such an action.

My sis apologized, said she still didn't know what she was going to do about the whole dad/me issue. I said I didn't want her to rearrange her plans just because I cried, but that she should think about how it looked. Knowing my sis, she'll probably stew about the call and then end up being mad right back at me.

Uhghhh, I can't wait until the holidays are OVER!!!

Your sister is extremely rude. The idea of inviting you to her house for Christmas and then saying that she and her family are going to a movie to avoid being around you while you are with your father is absurd and again flat out RUDE. Just remember that you can't control her behavior; you can only control your reaction to it. I would suggest telling her that if she pursues this course of action, you will be leaving after saying Merry Christmas to your dad. Apologize to your dad for the brevity of your visit with him, tell him you love him, but that you're upset with your sister, need some time to regroup, and don't want to spend another minute in her house. If you don't have anywhere else to go, I'd suggest going to the same movie theater as them. Who knows? Maybe your dad will want to go to the movie with you and then you can spend some time together without having to talk or interact much. Whatever you do, don't let your sister bully or intimate you and don't play into her hand. I have a truly horrible sister myself, so I have a great deal of sympathy for you, but the bottom line is that you need to do what you must to protect your emotional health. And don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing that.

This is why I always leave the country at Christmas! Unfortunately this year, due to having to finance my slip repair and a car accident in April, I can't travel...WHAAA! Now, I am having brunch with my mom because I declined the invitation to my sister's. She hasn't talked to me since May(sister). Let's just say, I understand the shaking/crying/calling the sister episodes because I've been there. I don't envy you and I hope you find a way to enjoy the holiday despite the stress.

Ghost,

((Hugs))

Wishing you strength and peace to get through this holiday season with happiness and joy. Do your best to not let them get to you. I know... I know... Easier said than done.

And I agree with the others. This is an extremely insensitive, rude, selfish act your sister is pulling. I'm so sorry.

My family had all those issues too. Bad marriage, bitter resentments, the works.

Look, my parents are dead. There will be no more bickering and fighting. You all need to get over it and enjoy the time you have left.

I would call her and let it all out. She is already ruining your Christmas by putting you in the awkward situation of being at her house with your dad while she goes to a movie. I can't believe she would do that to you when you are driving 200 miles to spend Christmans with her. She sounds like a 12 year old that is displacing her issues with both your dad and your mom on you.

I'm glad you called your sister. If she needs to be mad that's her perogative. It strikes me that she is acting superior to you and that's what really hurts. It's only a few hours and you'll get through whether she is there or not, but it's too bad that she feels the need to interfer in your relationship with your father, especially since she is in a similar boat with your Mom. Good luck!

Sorry I didn't see this when you posted it..

My family too has ISSUES! We all grin and bare it together! That is what I think family should do (TOGETHER). Comfortable or not! She is not helping anyone by being so selfish.

Does she plan to one-up you on Dad's gift as well?

Is she the same sister.. who in her own way... was not very supportive with your TT? Refused to see pictures, until it had you very upset. I think she likes to set you up, to stew and then confront her. Seems like she enjoys having the upper hand on all issues.

SOUNDS LIKE... Once again, she has made her "prepared statement" and walked away, leaving you holding a live emotional bomb.

Sorry you are having one of my typical Holidays!

I Love the idea, but hate the event of holidays. Good luck and try to enjoy... Merry Christmas to you Diane

I have not read all the replies so sorry if something i saw is a repeat.

I recently saw a Dr Phill about this and I had to agree with him on this .

If attempts with family are not made outside holidays to be cordial with family members why do people constantly try to force that on themselves during the holidays ? His reasoning was if its not important enough to work on all yr long then it does not need to try to be fixed during a few days during the holidays.

And I tend to agree. Families are like anyone else, I had to do the same thing with my MIL and my husband . I did not get along with her. So why force the issue ? If she were NOT my MIL would I be around her ? NO she was toxic .

FINALLY after 5 yrs my husband got that.

Does that make sense ?

Mindy

Well, I called her. I should have called as soon as it started to bother me instead of waiting a couple hours. Instead I ended up stewing over it until by the time I called her I was practically shaking and ended up crying before I could even explain why I was calling. I told her that even though part of me understood her reasons which were more complex that I had posted, and not all to do with me or my issues, I was still hurt by what she had said.

Of course someone had to walk into my office while I was still crying/talking to her. I am one of those people who cry when what I really want to do is punch a hole in the wall (or a face) but know I don't want to face the consequences of such an action.

My sis apologized, said she still didn't know what she was going to do about the whole dad/me issue. I said I didn't want her to rearrange her plans just because I cried, but that she should think about how it looked. Knowing my sis, she'll probably stew about the call and then end up being mad right back at me.

Uhghhh, I can't wait until the holidays are OVER!!!

What is your relationship like with your mom and dad when the holidays are not here ? Do you see them ? do you spend time with them ?

Mindy