OK, this is my first official Rant. Forgive me if I ramble.

I need some advice QUICK!

"Brief" Background info - My parents were married 35 years too long and 5 years ago they finally divorced after 35 years of marriage. Dad treated mom like dirt, then had the huevos to claim it was her fault they divorced when she stood up for herself and said she was no longer willing to live under the same roof with him until he agreed to go back to marriage counselling. I'm sure you can all see I have no bias or lasting resentments over this. Right? OK moving forward in the last 5 years Dad remarried, Sis hated the new wife with a passion & was very nasty to both Dad & wife. Other than asking the perspective wife if she was sure my dad would treat her right, I always treated them politely, and respected how the new wife wouldn't put up with my fathers same old crappola. Then mom remarries to a wonderful albiet rough-a-round the edges retired electrician. Here goes my sister again having problems with the whole idea of one of her parents being with someone new. She can barely be civil about the whole thing. OMG! My sis is a full grown woman with 3 of her own children and our parents are in their 60's don't they deserve to find some happiness? Meantime she has made all nicey nicey with our Father and his wife and keeps going on about how much she enjoys spending time with them. YUCK!!!

OK believe it or not that was the short version. If any of you are still reading here is my RANT.

I am driving 200+ miles tonight to spend the holidays with both my family and my husbands. I am already resigned to having 3 seperate events, Mom, Dad & finally Inlaws. It has been arranged for me to spend Saturday morning celebrating with Mom at my Sisters home and then with my Dad Saturday afternoon at my sisters. Only and here is the kicker... my Sister announced to me over the phone today that she will be taking her family to a movie or somewhere while I Celebrate with my Father (at her house mind you) so she can celebrate her Christmas with him later without me around. Her excuse was that since she is getting along so much better with him lately she thinks life is too short to allow herself to have to worry about wether my father & I's feelings of akwardness around each other might "ruin" her Christmas. WTF????!!!! OK I have issues with my Dad, I think that has been established. But despite my harsh words on this board, I love him, he knows I love him, and our only real face to face problem is that we both feel a bit akward around each other like we are not quite sure what to talk about. In a large group setting like a Christmas party no one would even notice outside of my Dad & I. It only is an issue when we are alone together (on the phone or in person).

I told her I understood, I told her I didn't care. But the more I think about it the more ticked I get. It just seems selfish to me. And a bit two faced as she sees absolutely nothing wrong with me having to take the larger risk of her ruining my Christmas with our Mother with her blunt and rude behaviour towards our mom and her new husband.

The more I think about it the more I'm tempted to either call or e-mail her and say the following.....

I understand that you are afraid having me around while you celebrate Christmas with dad might be akward. I really do, and if that is what you want to do I will respect it and will not be offended. However, I have to wonder if you have considered whether your current issues with Mom & her husband might cause similar problems for my Christmas with her. Using your logic it would follow that I should arrange to celebrate the holidays with our mother while you aren't around so that I wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable over issues you two have that are non of my business. Is this really the road you want to take? As you have said life is short, are you going to allow the chance of a few akward moments to tear this family further apart?

....OK I thought if I wrote her an e-mail I could write it in a way that didn't sound quite so adversarial or accusitory. I guess I was wrong. Maybe I could do better over the phone where she could here my tone of voice and could tell that I wasn't actually yelling at her. I really just don't get why she thinks its OK to say she doesn't want to celebrate Christmas with our father together because of my issues with him but doesn't think twice about how her issues with our mother might effect my Christmas.

It's probably only going to make things worse if I call her (or e-mail her) but if you guys don't calm me down soon it's taking everything in me not to pick up the phone right now. I'm just so sick of her doing selfish, childish crud like this and then me (the older sis) feeling I have to take it quietly to keep what little family peace is left.

What is your relationship like with your mom and dad when the holidays are not here ? Do you see them ? do you spend time with them ?

Mindy

Sorry all. I've been away from the internet. I'm at the In-Laws now so am able to catch up.

As I said my DH & I live about 3 hours away from the rest of our family. (Both Sides)

Mom - Great Relationship. She can drive me nuts but what parent doesn't. We talk multiple times a week. We can talk for hours and still not have a clue what we really talked about afterwards if asked.

Dad - Not very good. We are practically strangers. Ever since I was in grade school I use to beg my parents to divorce. I hated that they always said they were staying together for the sake of us kids. Made if feel like it was my fault they were miserable together. After I moved out of state Dad use to get upset at mom & I's long phone calls and it was like pulling teeth to get him to come visit or to "allow" mom to come down. Now that they are divorced I'd love to just leave the relationship in his hands. I love him but if he wants a relationship I wish he would work for it. Unfortunately my DH makes me maintain at least some contact with my father even if he doesn't call first. I think I have seen him maybe 3 times this year and spoke on the phone less than once every 3 months. Usually only when a holiday or birthday is emminant and we can no longer put off the call.

Sis - (only sibling) in School we HATED each other fought like cats and dogs. We are complete opposites. She is skinny fit and very vane. She has the attitude that she doesn't want anyone around unless everything is perfect. I would rather have fun with people I enjoy rather than worry about getting everything perfect for them. In recent years we had been getting along rather well surprisingly. Though we only see each other 3-4 times a year and don't get to talk too often as our schedules conflict. But ever since she reconciled with Dad she seems uncomfortable with the idea that I haven't. I know it would make more sense that I'd be jealous of her relationship with him but for some reason I'm not. I've never had one with him and at nearly 40 I don't really care if I ever do. I just don't see the need.

Update on holiday. Stayed at sis' house. We acted as if the conversation never happened for the most part. Though she wouldn't make a commitment until Sat. Afternoon as to wether or not she wanted to go ahead and Celebrate with Dad & us together. DH & I had decided if she didn't we would just drive the extra hour to his house so she was still holding us a bit hostage by not letting us know what her decision was. I know I probably should have just told her we were going and took the control out of her hands, but it was much easier to not have to travel and once she made up her mind we all did have a good time. It really is easier for me to deal with my dad in a larger crowd.

.... Got to go In-laws are calling me back to their festivities. Much less stress but terrible Cookies. Suppose that is a blessing in disguise as my band is too loose right now. But that is for another thread.

Sorry all. I've been away from the internet. I'm at the In-Laws now so am able to catch up.

As I said my DH & I live about 3 hours away from the rest of our family. (Both Sides)

Mom - Great Relationship. She can drive me nuts but what parent doesn't. We talk multiple times a week. We can talk for hours and still not have a clue what we really talked about afterwards if asked.

Dad - Not very good. We are practically strangers. Ever since I was in grade school I use to beg my parents to divorce. I hated that they always said they were staying together for the sake of us kids. Made if feel like it was my fault they were miserable together. After I moved out of state Dad use to get upset at mom & I's long phone calls and it was like pulling teeth to get him to come visit or to "allow" mom to come down. Now that they are divorced I'd love to just leave the relationship in his hands. I love him but if he wants a relationship I wish he would work for it. Unfortunately my DH makes me maintain at least some contact with my father even if he doesn't call first. I think I have seen him maybe 3 times this year and spoke on the phone less than once every 3 months. Usually only when a holiday or birthday is emminant and we can no longer put off the call.

Sis - (only sibling) in School we HATED each other fought like cats and dogs. We are complete opposites. She is skinny fit and very vane. She has the attitude that she doesn't want anyone around unless everything is perfect. I would rather have fun with people I enjoy rather than worry about getting everything perfect for them. In recent years we had been getting along rather well surprisingly. Though we only see each other 3-4 times a year and don't get to talk too often as our schedules conflict. But ever since she reconciled with Dad she seems uncomfortable with the idea that I haven't. I know it would make more sense that I'd be jealous of her relationship with him but for some reason I'm not. I've never had one with him and at nearly 40 I don't really care if I ever do. I just don't see the need.

Ghost, This really does seem like one of those situations that more effort either needs to be made during the yr for more interaction or less effort during the holidays. I personally do not see the point in having your holidays so stressful for someone ( although your dad) who a relationship has to be so forced. Also for your husband , I use to try to force a relationship on my husband with his father. I "thought" they needed to be closer. I would call his dad and put him on the phone . Finally i told hubby you need to be closer to your dad , he told me " NO I dont YOU do NOT know what he put us through as kids, ( it was a VERY bad child hood, his father was an alcoholic and drug addict , my husband ended up living on his own at 14) I have no desire to be around him unless ihave to "

And when I stopped calling , the calls stopped. He doesn't call now . He doesnt send pics, he has no desire to even be in contact. Sometimes just because we are family does not mean we get along and can be around each other. GOod luck i hope ya'll have a good holiday . Try not to stress so much.

Love

Mindy

Hi,

I'm fairly new to this whole forum, but your rant caught my eye. The situation sounds fairly similar to my own. I hope you don't take offense, but your sister does not sound like a nice person. I would boycott the situation at your sister's house. She's inevitably going to ruin your holiday and why put yourself in that position? You deserve to have just as Merry of a Christmas as her! I'd call Mom and Dad and explain why you won't be there and arrange another time to exchange gifts and just spend the holiday with your husband's family. You might be less stressed and a little more relaxed.

My parents were also married for 35 years -- the only difference, my mom actually thought things were getting better before he left. She ended up taking her life and my dad has since remarried. But my mom's side of the family now hates my dad and we do separate holidays. I used to walk on egg shells trying to please everyone, but after a while I said, fuck it, this is my life and these are the people in my life and if you can't deal with it, that's not my problem. So my dad and I have a good relationship again and he visits my daughter regularly. My mom's family, who lives very close by, choose to avoid my house when my dad is around. That's fine, that's their choice. But everyone and everything is fine because I have made my position very clear.

I think you need to have a long talk with your sister and let her know you do not appreciate her behavior and attitude toward you. Draw some boundaries. Is your sister's house the only place everyone can get together for holidays? If not, arrange elsewhere. =) I hope you're able to have a Merry Christmas without so much turmoil. It sounds like your sister enjoys cutting you and other people down to make herself feel better ... and that's not healthy for anyone around her. Family really sucks sometimes, huh?

Merry Christmas!

Audie

I dunno.... I would be inclined to look at this problem from another angle. Your sister's reaction is so extreme that it may indicate that she is suffering from a whole separate set of emotional issues but is choosing - on an entirely subconscious level - to deal with these by tossing them into the divorced parent bin.

Why don't you try talking to your sister in a warm and loving way about her feelings about all of this biz. It may well be that the woman is feeling threatened by all the family changes. Her mum and her dad have moved on with their lives and her sister has now lost a big chunk of weight and is no longer the official fatty grrl in the family. Could it be that this sister is now feeling very insecure and is lashing out?