I was removing snow from my car in freezing weather when a neighbor who is like a stranger to me snuck up behind me and was within inches from my face and said "you have lost alot of weight". I don't associate with this person as there are over 100 tenants here and you can't know everyone. I was startled as I didn't even know they were there and what popped out was "oh? I don't know." To which they replied, "well you have!". They then turned around and walked away. The way they said "well you have" was kind of in a mean tone of voice. Almost like they didn't like me saying "Oh? I don't know".

I felt uncomfortable about what happened. During a support group, the dietician at the bariatric center I go to said we can respond any way we feel fit when people make comments about our weight loss that make us feel our privacy is being invaded or if someone is being nosy compared to someone paying us a heartfelt caring compliment.

If someone you don't associate with mentions your weight loss in a way that doesn't feel complimentary or genuine, what are some approaches you have taken?

I could have said "mind your own business", "can't you see I am busy", "why did you just sneak up behind me like that", etc. And maybe I should have!

Thanks.

Edited December 17, 20223 yr by Jamiepierce

So in this sort of situation, as in many other human interactions, there are 2 things that took me a lifetime to learn. I want to share those with you in the hope it will help you if a similar situation happens again.

1. The first is to always assume positive intent (until proven otherwise). What I mean by that is that most people don't intend to me mean or hurtful, it's a lot more likely they just suck at giving compliments. (Some also don't understand personal space!) In your specific situation, I suspect they thought they were being complementary to you and really just could not understand that you'd interpret it any differently. This is also likely why they responded awkwardly when you didn't do what they expected and acknowledge their "complement". Note that I'm not saying you were "wrong" for feeling how you did about this. I think comments like this can feel pretty cringy and it's normal to feel what you did. It's just that I've reached a point where I've both been on the receiving and giving end of these sorts of conversations. For my own personal wellbeing, I have found that if I assume they meant well, the overall interaction tends to go a lot better.
2. The second thing it took me a lifetime to learn is that if I assume positive intent, I also need to approach human interactions with a heart of curiosity, rather than resentment. What I mean is that is that I like to strive to understand why they felt the desire to interact with me. Are they looking for weight loss advice? Are they flirting with me? Maybe they just were hoping to make me feel good, which makes them feel better about themselves? Maybe they were interested in starting a new friendship and this was a conversation starter? The point I'm trying to make is that taking a few moments to have an open conversation couldn't hurt and may lead to other positive interactions in the future.

Best of luck.

On 12/17/2022 at 13:48, Jamiepierce said:

My views on weight loss have changed since I had my surgery. I no longer evaluate someone by their weight. So someone commenting on the weight of another is no longer something I think is OK. Unless it is from someone you know and trust. As I stated in my post, I don't know this person. It did not feel comfortable.

I feel like I am more conscientious than ever of attaching a moralistic value to weight and making sure I am treating it as a neutral. One thing I worried about alot in the week before my surgery is somehow contributing to the societal bias and negative treatment of overweight people by getting the surgery. I feel like I worry about that more than anything.

The cashier at the Subway outlet near our project office commented on my weight loss and asked me how did I manage to lose the weight etc. She knows me well because I was a regular customer when I worked in that office. I used to go there at least 4 times a week if not more. I told her that my new work place doesn't have an outlet that sells subs and that helped with the weight loss. We both laughed and she handed me my first sub in 11 month post-op. I was not able to finish half of it.

I get asked a lot by coworkers and people that I have not met for some time and I always tell them that I've cut down my food intake and started riding a bike (which I'm doing). Only my close family and best friends know that I had a WLS and intend to keep it this way.