Marriage changes post op

[KimA-GA 540]

(Sorry for all the questions.. as my possible surgery date comes up my mind keeps thinking of new and interesting worries)

Married people post surgery:

what changes to your relationship did you experience ?

how did your spouse adapt to change to that comes with weight loss or well, did he/she not adapt?

I know that my husband will be there 100% right before and immediately after surgery. Unfortunately, a week or two out I don’t know how he will be (he will be “done” with it and wanting to “go back to normal” which won’t be possible.) and I really don’t know how he will cope when hopefully my confidence continues to grow and my self esteem continues to grow after surgery.

wanted to hear some good, bad and ugly from people who have been there with marriages through this surgical process.

[Sunshine Princess 202]

I'm just shy of three months post op but I feel this changed my marriage for the better. Before, I was just so tired and achy and I didnt want to do anything. Because I didnt do anything or exercise, I was always moody and withdrawn. My husband and I had nearly stopped communicating because I would take things the wrong way and would then smoke pot and eat to make myself feel better.

After surgery? It's been different. My energy level is as high as its ever been so I'm doing more around the house. We're actively talking and sharing things again. We're making plans to do things we used to enjoy like go to Water parks, concerts, ball games, kayaking etc, and it's brought his energy levels up. I cook a basic Protein and vegetable for dinner and he adds to it depending on what he wants-like rice, potatoes, Pasta etc. We tend to sit and talk during meals. I think he feels like he has his spouse back so it's been an improvement all around.

[lorlybeth84 35]

My marriage has always been great and nothing has changed since the surgery. My husband had WLS about a year before I did so was very supportive and it was so helpful because he knew everything I was going through and was very understanding of my roller coaster emotions. The way I look at it is if problems existed before WLS, they will still be there afterward. However I think most people start to gain more confidence in themselves after losing weight and finally gain the courage to do something about it. I would think if you had a good marriage prior to surgery, it should remain the same afterward.

[ShoppGirl 3,456]

I was thin when I met my husband and have gained and lost many times throughout our marriage so he pretty much already knew what to expect. But my marriage hasn’t changed since surgery.

[Queen ApisM 426]

My marriage hasn't changed. My husband has been very supportive and a big cheerleader before and after surgery. I am lucky and cannot complain about anything. So far, I think our connection is stronger especially physically. My sex drive is through the roof now. 😲

I am curious, though, what could happen if I get closer to goal. I'm 12 lbs from the lowest weight I have ever been while he has known me. I hope this won't happen, but part of me wonders if he will feel insecure as I continue to lose. I don't think so, but I'm enough of a realist to recognize it is a possibility.

Edited to clarify that I'm 12 lbs from the lowest weight the hubby has ever seen me at since it wasn't clear.

Edited August 1, 2022 by Queen ApisM

[kcuster83 1,503]

I have lost 100+ lbs previously (a few times) and there really wasn't any change in my relationship. Usually she looses weight with me so it kinda just works out. I do most of the cooking, so when you are eating what I am cooking you will naturally loose weight. Point is, I don't imagine much change in the relationship due to weight loss. Although, I have always been bigger even loosing 100+ lbs. So, if/when I actually get to my goal who knows what happens.

She wants to drink and party all the time and I don't drink now, probably will some after a while but for now no. So I tend to sit there getting bored while we are out and shes getting drunk. Plus I have learned drunk people are really annoying when you are not drinking. I imagine long term this may cause some problems if we can't more equal on free time events, etc.

However, every other time I lost a bunch of weight my labido has increased but not this time. I literally have no desire for anything sexual, AT ALL. I force myself to try to keep the peace and am not into it at all. It is crazy.

[LaTiaV 111]

My surgery coincided with us moving to another state, so there was too many pieces moving, we got another pet, had to get used to new routines, different weather, meeting people. My husband is very confident which I find very sexy. I do not anticipate problems in our relationship ( but I think people who had problems in their relationships may not be expecting them so who knows) he liked me thin, then he liked me fat, and I think he likes me thin(ish) again.

food is being difficult to implement into a routine where we both feel good, I am wasting a lot of food.

I have a new addiction, I am buying clothes online, and the excuse of "nothing fits anymore" has stopped working weeks ago, I know I have to stop, but there are too many new options now that were not available to me for years, he has been patient but I can see that it can get bad very fast, I find myself browsing web stores at 2:AM because I am bored, in the past, that would be the equivalent to a Doritos bag in the middle of the night. my poor credit card is scared of me.

[kcuster83 1,503]

5 minutes ago, LaTiaV said:

My surgery coincided with us moving to another state, so there was too many pieces moving, we got another pet, had to get used to new routines, different weather, meeting people. My husband is very confident which I find very sexy. I do not anticipate problems in our relationship ( but I think people who had problems in their relationships may not be expecting them so who knows) he liked me thin, then he liked me fat, and I think he likes me thin(ish) again.

food is being difficult to implement into a routine where we both feel good, I am wasting a lot of food.

I have a new addiction, I am buying clothes online, and the excuse of "nothing fits anymore" has stopped working weeks ago, I know I have to stop, but there are too many new options now that were not available to me for years, he has been patient but I can see that it can get bad very fast, I find myself browsing web stores at 2:AM because I am bored, in the past, that would be the equivalent to a Doritos bag in the middle of the night. my poor credit card is scared of me.

I go in and out of phases with the shopping. I really don't WANT to shop because I know it won't fit for long. But all I have currently is Tshirts and jeans... Now that I fit more I want to wear more so it is hard to not buy something I would have liked and not fit 100 lbs ago. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!

Edited August 1, 2022 by kcuster83

[catwoman7 10,981]

re: marriages - some get better, some don't. And some stay the same. I think it might depend somewhat on how it was going BEFORE the surgery. Mine got better. My husband was always really active and always on the go, and I rarely had the energy to keep up with him when I weighed over 300 lbs. And some things he liked to do I just flat out couldn't do at that weight (like biking, hiking, and kayaking). Now...I can! And I have no trouble keeping up with him! So now we're able to do a lot together. I think we're both happier for it.

he was fine with my post-surgery eating since he knew it was a means to an end. I can eat more-or-less normally now (except my portions are much smaller), and have been able to since I was about a year out.

[LaTiaV 111]

40 minutes ago, kcuster83 said:

I go in and out of phases with the shopping. I really don't WANT to shop because I know it won't fit for long. But all I have currently is Tshirts and jeans... Now that I fit more I want to wear more so it is hard to not buy something I would have liked and not fit 100 lbs ago. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!

right?

I am obsessed, I am not buying expensive, I buy cheap, but too much and too often. I know I must be responsible and I feel shame when he brings the packages home and gives me "the face". like you say "The struggle is real" my husband and I get alone well but finances has always been a dangerous topic between us, we have very different ideas on what is worth to expend the money on .

[mheyer1641 43]

1 hour ago, kcuster83 said:

I have lost 100+ lbs previously (a few times) and there really wasn't any change in my relationship. Usually she looses weight with me so it kinda just works out. I do most of the cooking, so when you are eating what I am cooking you will naturally loose weight. Point is, I don't imagine much change in the relationship due to weight loss. Although, I have always been bigger even loosing 100+ lbs. So, if/when I actually get to my goal who knows what happens.

She wants to drink and party all the time and I don't drink now, probably will some after a while but for now no. So I tend to sit there getting bored while we are out and shes getting drunk. Plus I have learned drunk people are really annoying when you are not drinking. I imagine long term this may cause some problems if we can't more equal on free time events, etc.

However, every other time I lost a bunch of weight my labido has increased but not this time. I literally have no desire for anything sexual, AT ALL. I force myself to try to keep the peace and am not into it at all. It is crazy.

I understand the part about being the sober one with your drunk spouse! I didn't realize how annoying drunk people are until I wasn't one of them LOL. I'm not ready to start drinking again yet so I just have to deal, but yeah, totally annoying.

[mheyer1641 43]

1 hour ago, LaTiaV said:

My surgery coincided with us moving to another state, so there was too many pieces moving, we got another pet, had to get used to new routines, different weather, meeting people. My husband is very confident which I find very sexy. I do not anticipate problems in our relationship ( but I think people who had problems in their relationships may not be expecting them so who knows) he liked me thin, then he liked me fat, and I think he likes me thin(ish) again.

food is being difficult to implement into a routine where we both feel good, I am wasting a lot of food.

I have a new addiction, I am buying clothes online, and the excuse of "nothing fits anymore" has stopped working weeks ago, I know I have to stop, but there are too many new options now that were not available to me for years, he has been patient but I can see that it can get bad very fast, I find myself browsing web stores at 2:AM because I am bored, in the past, that would be the equivalent to a Doritos bag in the middle of the night. my poor credit card is scared of me.

Food is a work in progress for us as well. I also feel like we waste a lot of food. The biggest problem we have is he does most of the shopping and will bring home stuff that I shouldn't eat. I told him he will need to start putting it somewhere I don't have to look at it. Other than that, he has been very supportive of everything.

[pintsizedmallrat 470]

I have been with my fiance for four years, we have been engaged for a little over two, and we're getting married next month.

Our relationship hit some bumps right after my surgery--I was and still am the primary food shopper/preparer in our house, and I could tell about a month, two months in, he was really ready for things to be back to "normal", and we had some minor friction. I had a ROUGH first couple months, and at one point nearly died from pneumonia...and I think the realization he might lose me has made us closer. He took care of me the whole time I was recovering.

I had become very depressed about my weight the summer leading up to my surgery, and now I think my improved mood and energy level has made both of us healthier...he was originally planning to have surgery himself but has lost 25 pounds on his own, just due to the new way we do things around the house, and we're both much more active.

I don't think surgery and all the changes that come with it are bad for everyone, but I do think that people who were already unhappy in their relationships often find the strength to leave with their newfound confidence.

TL;DR: My four-year relationship is stronger than ever and we're getting married in a month.

[Smanky 743]

I'm super fortunate that my partner has always been a gem. He never made me feel bad when I was morbidly obese - that was all me hating myself. He was initially against my WLS until I had a meltdown and told him the bald truth about how miserable I was. He didn't know because I don't like talking about my feelings and tend to hide it as best I can. His misgivings about the surgery were all safety related.

Post surgery, we've just gotten better, not because I'm small now (though he's enjoying the novelty of new little-me!), but because I'm HAPPY. I'm happy and I've got my mojo back, and I'm lot more fun to be around. We've been together since 1989, and my change in mental health has recharged us both.

[mheyer1641 43]

22 minutes ago, Smanky said:

I'm super fortunate that my partner has always been a gem. He never made me feel bad when I was morbidly obese - that was all me hating myself. He was initially against my WLS until I had a meltdown and told him the bald truth about how miserable I was. He didn't know because I don't like talking about my feelings and tend to hide it as best I can. His misgivings about the surgery were all safety related.

Post surgery, we've just gotten better, not because I'm small now (though he's enjoying the novelty of new little-me!), but because I'm HAPPY. I'm happy and I've got my mojo back, and I'm lot more fun to be around. We've been together since 1989, and my change in mental health has recharged us both.

This is what I am striving for! I was so miserable, no energy, didn't want to do anything. I am still a little unenergetic 6 weeks out, but I'm improving each day.