How to deal with family?

[Softtacocrumbs 12]

I'm pre surgery right now, and I've been trying so hard to lose weight...

Well, my aunt told me to die today... She said I was so fat that I have no value as a human because of my weight. She shouted at me that fat people deserve to die.

So, I'm Asian, and I weigh 220lbs 5'2", where the average weight her family is is around 80lbs, and underweight. She's very proud of it.

She says she's cursing for me to die an early death. Because fat people are ugly and I'm not worth anything more than my weight, and I have no value had a human. I used to think that about myself because of how toxic she made my life, I started more self improvement and better thinking to accept myself. But I'm getting so tired of the "Why can't you just be anorexic? You should just stop eating entirely. I fasted my children for a month and look how well they turned out." ... One was hospitalized because she was 5'7" and reached 75 lbs...

I'm trying so hard to not let it get to me, because her daughter look terrible off, and I feel bad for them.

But the cherry on top is this:

I was very sad, because they slap my mom because she's overweight too... I know part of my problem is hormonal that I got from her. It's ok to insult me, because I can get past it. But my father's side of the family physically abuses my because of her weight. It was ok when it was only me being beat, slapped, kicked, and punched, but my mother is getting along in age. And she can't get away, because it's so hard to get a divorce in China. I'm at least here in the US.

I'm so heartbroken. Why are we only worth nothing more than our weight?

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

[liveaboard15 1,288]

i would simply cut those people out of my life... What is the point of being around them if thats how they are? Stop talking to them, stop seeing them and move on with bettering your life.

[Tomo 1,100]

I'm so sorry you and your mom have had to take abuse from these people. I come from an all-thin family too. But my parents and siblings have been supportive as I grew up.

I did have rude aunts but they never physically abused me, just verbal. I wish you could take your mother away from all that and bring her to the states with you. Perhaps keep working on a solution to get her away from that. Just stay away from them, if you can. They are toxic and horrible people. They are far worse off than you will ever be. You may be heavy but that can be fixed. But for them to be that cruel to wish early death on someone, suggests they are extremely unhappy with themselves.

[Smanky 742]

I'm so, so sorry you and your mother are going through this hell. Your aunt is evil. No other way to put it. Likewise your father's family. Abuse is unacceptable and I agree with Liveaboard15 that you need to cut them from your life entirely. I get your fears for you mother though. Can she join you in the US, even for a few months to get a break? Does she have friends and other family on her side she can go to?

[The Greater Fool 1,849]

I agree wholeheartedly with @liveaboard15. Such people as your aunt are poison.

Tell her that if she wants you dead then she gets her wish: You're dead to her. And never talk to her again.

Family doesn't get special rights or privileges to treat you like carp. Cut her out. If she visits go to another room, or 'run an errand.'

If other family hound you about 'respect' or 'honoring elders' or push visiting with the aunt remind them that she wants you dead. You're just giving her what she wants: one less niece. Tell them if they keep pushing you into a taxic situation they can be added to the ignore list.

Life is to short to spend any of it on your aunt or anyone else that can't treat you with, at a minimum, basic courtesy.

You are your first priority.

Good luck,

Tek

[Softtacocrumbs 12]

I'm so, so sorry you and your mother are going through this hell. Your aunt is evil. No other way to put it. Likewise your father's family. Abuse is unacceptable and I agree with Liveaboard15 that you need to cut them from your life entirely. I get your fears for you mother though. Can she join you in the US, even for a few months to get a break? Does she have friends and other family on her side she can go to?

I'm so, so sorry you and your mother are going through this hell. Your aunt is evil. No other way to put it. Likewise your father's family. Abuse is unacceptable and I agree with Liveaboard15 that you need to cut them from your life entirely. I get your fears for you mother though. Can she join you in the US, even for a few months to get a break? Does she have friends and other family on her side she can go to?

First, I'd like to thank everybody for being so supportive. I felt like I was breaking down last night.

To answer@smanky my mom doesn't have anyone left on her side either. I mean, China is a pretty toxic place when it comes to weight discrimination. It's pretty common to be beat, and it happens on both sides of the family. I don't really go back anymore, because of it. She has 1 friend who she relies on, but that friend is also quite stuck because she successfully divorced her husband, but wasn't able to have a male child, so she was disowned from her family. It's super toxic all around.

She isn't willing to come to the US because she can't speak English, and she isn't willing to leave her friend. I'm glad she has someone, but I feel so bad for her. My father joins in on all the battery. I, naively enough, thought physical abuse for ones weight was normal as a child. It wasn't until I entered college that I realized it isn't as common as I thought it was, but it still happens here (bullying).

I'm still completely heartbroken by the situation, but I really appreciate everyone's support. [emoji3059]

Sent from my M2007J3SY using BariatricPal mobile app

[The Greater Fool 1,849]

I didn't mean to completely ignore your mom's situation. But as you stated there is not a whole lot you can do, even if you were next to her 24 hours a day. It's a different world in China. And you're here.

You probably are already doing what you can, which realistically isn't much. Being supportive, listening. Being ready to make plans and take action should Mom decide to do something. It's a carpy situation all around. You both feel helpless. Heck, I feel helpless. It's frustrating when you know what mom should do but can't get her to do it.

I know I'm telling you stuff you already know because, well, you told us. I guess I just want you to know you've been heard.

I wish there were something positive or a silver lining in there somewhere but that's just not the reality of the situation. Sorry I can't be more up or have any advice you haven't heard over and over.

Again, take care of yourself first. It sounds heartless. Perhaps it is. Don't let them take you both down.

Good luck,

Tek

Edited July 30, 2022 by The Greater Fool

[St77 85]

My mother's family was like this, they valued my younger sister as she was thin, whereas my older sister and I have always been overweight. They complimented on how great I looked when my daughter was born because I lost 50 pounds while pregnant. I had hyperemisis gravidarum my entire pregnancy and couldn't keep anything down. Who would want to go through that misery, but they thought it had a great result of a 50 pound weight loss.

I decided to break those chains and walked away from that side of the family, with exception of my mom. I had to protect my daughter from their behavior. No regrets and no looking back.

I'm sorry that there is no way of helping your mother out, but do take care of yourself.

[jenuinelygenuinely 80]

Whats your ethnicity?

I am Lao, but was born here in the US. Both of my families were like that but not to the extent of telling me to die. Till this day they still call me "Fatty" Pig" in Lao and it hurts me....I remember when I was a teenager my aunt's son stood next to me while taking pictures and said "SCOOT OVER YOU'RE SO FAT YOU TAKE UP THE WHOLE PICTURE." My uncle also insults me..."you shouldn't be eating that much" It was literally a cup of homemade noodles with broth and little does he know I throw up from eating over a cup.

After that I packed on more weight from being emotional. I am the only plus size in my immediate family. Both of my siblings were on the thin side...

[Smanky 742]

11 hours ago, Softtacocrumbs said:

First, I'd like to thank everybody for being so supportive. I felt like I was breaking down last night.

To answer@smanky my mom doesn't have anyone left on her side either. I mean, China is a pretty toxic place when it comes to weight discrimination. It's pretty common to be beat, and it happens on both sides of the family. I don't really go back anymore, because of it. She has 1 friend who she relies on, but that friend is also quite stuck because she successfully divorced her husband, but wasn't able to have a male child, so she was disowned from her family. It's super toxic all around.

She isn't willing to come to the US because she can't speak English, and she isn't willing to leave her friend. I'm glad she has someone, but I feel so bad for her. My father joins in on all the battery. I, naively enough, thought physical abuse for ones weight was normal as a child. It wasn't until I entered college that I realized it isn't as common as I thought it was, but it still happens here (bullying).

I'm still completely heartbroken by the situation, but I really appreciate everyone's support.

Sent from my M2007J3SY using BariatricPal mobile app

This is harrowing to read. I completely understand her reluctance due to the language barrier and her friend who would be abandoned without her. There might be a support network in China that people like your mum can reach out to? I would search for one - it may take a bit of looking since they'd be operating in a hostile environment and would be trying to operate without unwanted attention. It might even be something as simple as a social club. But something she and her friend can find some extra support in.

I truly wish I could be more help.

[Softtacocrumbs 12]

Whats your ethnicity?
I am Lao, but was born here in the US. Both of my families were like that but not to the extent of telling me to die. Till this day they still call me "Fatty" Pig" in Lao and it hurts me....I remember when I was a teenager my aunt's son stood next to me while taking pictures and said "SCOOT OVER YOU'RE SO FAT YOU TAKE UP THE WHOLE PICTURE." My uncle also insults me..."you shouldn't be eating that much" It was literally a cup of homemade noodles with broth and little does he know I throw up from eating over a cup.
After that I packed on more weight from being emotional. I am the only plus size in my immediate family. Both of my siblings were on the thin side...

I'm Chinese. I'm sorry you had to go through it too. It isn't easy. I really hate how so many Asian ethnicities only treat you as your weight rather than getting to know you as a whole person. [emoji20]
@tek : thank you for your kind words. Although I can't do anything all I can do is to be an ear for her. I hope she can get away from all that one day.
@st77 : thank you, I don't know if she can break away, but I blocked my extended family from ever contacting me again. She can't really go anywhere and doesn't have any source of livelihood. But all I can do is focus on myself for now.
@smanky : I've tried that, but there are so few larger people in china that it's basically impossible. Some are even some delusion that's they're fit despite being larger. It's a bit wild over there. I'm filled with sadness when my mom tells me that she can't wait to die. [emoji20] She has no way of leaving and no way or getting a job because she was a sahm for so long, I'm terribly sad for her.

Sent from my M2007J3SY using BariatricPal mobile app

[Softtacocrumbs 12]

Whats your ethnicity?
I am Lao, but was born here in the US. Both of my families were like that but not to the extent of telling me to die. Till this day they still call me "Fatty" Pig" in Lao and it hurts me....I remember when I was a teenager my aunt's son stood next to me while taking pictures and said "SCOOT OVER YOU'RE SO FAT YOU TAKE UP THE WHOLE PICTURE." My uncle also insults me..."you shouldn't be eating that much" It was literally a cup of homemade noodles with broth and little does he know I throw up from eating over a cup.
After that I packed on more weight from being emotional. I am the only plus size in my immediate family. Both of my siblings were on the thin side...

I'm Chinese. I'm sorry you had to go through it too. It isn't easy. I really hate how so many Asian ethnicities only treat you as your weight rather than getting to know you as a whole person. [emoji20]
@tek : thank you for your kind words. Although I can't do anything all I can do is to be an ear for her. I hope she can get away from all that one day.
@st77 : thank you, I don't know if she can break away, but I blocked my extended family from ever contacting me again. She can't really go anywhere and doesn't have any source of livelihood. But all I can do is focus on myself for now.
@smanky : I've tried that, but there are so few larger people in china that it's basically impossible. Some are even some delusion that's they're fit despite being larger. It's a bit wild over there. I'm filled with sadness when my mom tells me that she can't wait to die. [emoji20] She has no way of leaving and no way or getting a job because she was a sahm for so long, I'm terribly sad for her.

Sent from my M2007J3SY using BariatricPal mobile app

[ShoppGirl 3,226]

I am so glad that you are starting to realize that what your family has been doing is wrong and you have broken ties. All you can do about your mom is continue to be there for her and offer her support but get yourself even stronger so that you are better equipped to help her if she does decide to leave. Is there any way to get her tapes or something so she can start learning English? Maybe her and her friend could learn the language and practice together?

[Softtacocrumbs 12]

I am so glad that you are starting to realize that what your family has been doing is wrong and you have broken ties. All you can do about your mom is continue to be there for her and offer her support but get yourself even stronger so that you are better equipped to help her if she does decide to leave. Is there any way to get her tapes or something so she can start learning English? Maybe her and her friend could learn the language and practice together?

I think she's too introverted. She lived here in the US for over 20 years and refused to go out so she wouldn't have to speak English. She says she's a Capricorn, which is why she can't do it, but I think she really has a problem... I can't really understand, but all I can do is support her. [emoji20] Her friend never finished elementary, so she still has problems ready and writing her maiden language. But I appreciate the thought and kind words.

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