Hello, I'm Thom, first post here.

I'm not usually one to share, but I need some advice here.

I had the VSG on 12/1, and everything had been going well till today. So let me give a little back story. I broke my back two years ago, had several spinal surgeries including a 3 level fusion with hardware. I gained 70 lbs while hurt. I'm not able to be very active, so I chose to have the sleeve to loose weight. I went from $115k+ a year to the state max on workers comp, which put a big strain on us financially. In October, comp cut my checks till I have a hearing in front of the industrial commission to determine my life long compensation amount. So we've been living on her income alone.

Today, when im 6 days post op, she wants to call me names because I couldn't cook the kids supper. The smell of food makes me nauseous after surgery. Then she tells me I'm a bum, because of this surgery, and has been treating me like ****.

I really don't know how to deal with this right now. I've never been emotional in my life, but this surgery has affected me some how. What should I do?

Hello, I'm Thom, first post here.

I'm not usually one to share, but I need some advice here.
I had the VSG on 12/1, and everything had been going well till today. So let me give a little back story. I broke my back two years ago, had several spinal surgeries including a 3 level fusion with hardware. I gained 70 lbs while hurt. I'm not able to be very active, so I chose to have the sleeve to loose weight. I went from $115k+ a year to the state max on workers comp, which put a big strain on us financially. In October, comp cut my checks till I have a hearing in front of the industrial commission to determine my life long compensation amount. So we've been living on her income alone.
Today, when im 6 days post op, she wants to call me names because I couldn't cook the kids supper. The smell of food makes me nauseous after surgery. Then she tells me I'm a bum, because of this surgery, and has been treating me like ****.
I really don't know how to deal with this right now. I've never been emotional in my life, but this surgery has affected me some how. What should I do?

What should you do ? No one can tell you that. But I wanted to say I'm so sorry for what your dealing with. Emotional abuse can happen to men as well as women so I want you to know this is serious and unacceptable. And I'm not sure why she's treating you this way only she knows. And I also don't want to guess or find reasons to excuse her behaviour. Does she know the impact of her behaviour has on you ? Being so soon post op it is an emotional rollercoaster without the added insults from someone it's terrible. Your not alone here we are all hear to listen. Xx

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d-i-v-o-r-c-e

I've dealt with an abusive spouse before... He's my EX now. An EXample of what to never be around again.

Only advice I can give as I don't know you or your wife, is to talk to someone close to you, so maybe they can talk to her as well. Focus on getting better, not just for you but for your children as well. Get your strength back and then decide if the relationship is healthy and if not, how to correct it. Good luck. God bless

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So, you're moving toward lifetime disability with young kids? I think its very reasonable for your wife to be angry and/or disappointed -- not abusive, but angry. I say get counseling and hope for the best. The marriages that work best seem to be where spouses contribute equally, or there's a stay-home understanding/agreement.

So, you're moving toward lifetime disability with young kids? I think its very reasonable for your wife to be angry and/or disappointed -- not abusive, but angry. I say get counseling and hope for the best. The marriages that work best seem to be where spouses contribute equally, or there's a stay-home understanding/agreement.

Why should she be angry at him? Did he chose to break his back ? No one wants to be on life time disability.. don't put someone's abusive behaviour on him. Like it's his fault. Disappointed fine. Calling him a bum and names to further reduce his self esteem is not acceptable what ever the reason. Or whether or not he is facing life time disability.

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1 hour ago, dreamingsmall said:

Why should she be angry at him? Did he chose to break his back ? No one wants to be on life time disability.. don't put someone's abusive behaviour on him. Like it's his fault. Disappointed fine. Calling him a bum and names to further reduce his self esteem is not acceptable what ever the reason. Or whether or not he is facing life time disability.

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DS, get real -- most people would be angry if a spouse became disabled. If I was the disable spouse, I'd be angry. If I was the healthy spouse, I'd be angry. All of their long-term plans are to the wind. They have financial crisis. Spouse #2 works all day, comes home and has to tend to children and now spouse #1 who chose elective surgery. What sort of saint-like humans are they supposed to be? There are no unicorns pooping rainbows in that household right now.

@Thom I, too, have a disability -- a slowly progressive muscular dystrophy. I, too, am choosing bariatric surgery to lessen my long-term deterioration. I have a brother with the same condition as me who worked successfully for a 30-year career and now he's retired in his early 50s. I Can retired at any time, too -- I'm thinking about before my surgery. I have a cousin with the same inherited condition who didn't make good decisions, and has been on govt disability for a decade. When he moves to SS, his income will be in tatters. Its not an education thing -- I'm a PE, but both my brother and cousin never graduated college. One chose to work, the other looked for a way not to work . I would urge you to find a suitable job and contribute meaningfully to your family. You may think you are too nauseous to cook for your kids, but billions of women time immemorial have done this while nauseous and pregnant.

Edited December 8, 20178 yr by Apple203

29 minutes ago, Apple203 said:

DS, get real -- most people would be angry if a spouse became disabled. If I was the disable spouse, I'd be angry. If I was the healthy spouse, I'd be angry. All of their long-term plans are to the wind. They have financial crisis. Spouse #2 works all day, comes home and has to tend to children and now spouse #1 who chose elective surgery. What sort of saint-like humans are they supposed to be? There are no unicorns pooping rainbows in that household right now.

I get what you are saying about being angry. Whether it is right or not, she may be angry. She could love you, @Thom, with all her heart and anger is causing her to lash out and say these things. Counseling is a very wise decision. She needs to learn how to get past this. She could also be overwhelmed. It seems like the weight of everything is on her shoulders. I know that I can get nasty from time to time when I'm overwhelmed. We all can. I suggest sitting down with her in a calm environment and discussing it would be my first piece of advice.

But on another note, congrats on your surgery. You did this to better your health and life. She knows that deep down, I promise she does!

18 hours ago, Apple203 said:

DS, get real -- most people would be angry if a spouse became disabled. If I was the disable spouse, I'd be angry. If I was the healthy spouse, I'd be angry. All of their long-term plans are to the wind. They have financial crisis. Spouse #2 works all day, comes home and has to tend to children and now spouse #1 who chose elective surgery. What sort of saint-like humans are they supposed to be? There are no unicorns pooping rainbows in that household right now.

do not pretend to speak for everyone like you are some psychologist.

no, i would NOT respond with anger if my wife became disabled due to an accident. i would be too filled with sadness, sympathy, and support.

you sound exactly like the wife that Thom here needs to get away from. wow.

On ‎12‎/‎8‎/‎2017 at 0:36 AM, Thom said:

Hello, I'm Thom, first post here.

I'm not usually one to share, but I need some advice here.

I had the VSG on 12/1, and everything had been going well till today. So let me give a little back story. I broke my back two years ago, had several spinal surgeries including a 3 level fusion with hardware. I gained 70 lbs while hurt. I'm not able to be very active, so I chose to have the sleeve to loose weight. I went from $115k+ a year to the state max on workers comp, which put a big strain on us financially. In October, comp cut my checks till I have a hearing in front of the industrial commission to determine my life long compensation amount. So we've been living on her income alone.

Today, when im 6 days post op, she wants to call me names because I couldn't cook the kids supper. The smell of food makes me nauseous after surgery. Then she tells me I'm a bum, because of this surgery, and has been treating me like ****.

I really don't know how to deal with this right now. I've never been emotional in my life, but this surgery has affected me some how. What should I do?

Talk to each other.

You both are dealing with tremendous stress - she is dealing with the stress of the additional financial burden and household management, you are dealing with the stress of recovery and disability.

People say and do stupid things when they start to hit their breaking point. You need to find a way to deal with the stress as partners and in communication.

Get professional/therapeutic help. Schedule times to talk, be in communication and work out schedules - so you can both deal with what you can and can't do right now and she can as well.

Good luck and best wishes.

4 hours ago, JohnnyCakes said:

do not pretend to speak for everyone like you are some psychologist.

no, i would NOT respond with anger if my wife became disabled due to an accident. i would be too filled with sadness, sympathy, and support.

you sound exactly like the wife that Thom here needs to get away from. wow.

The irony of this post is that I have repeatedly, over and over again, seen you personally insult people.

It may be that you reserve that behavior for strangers and behave differently with people you know IRL.

6 hours ago, JohnnyCakes said:

do not pretend to speak for everyone like you are some psychologist.

no, i would NOT respond with anger if my wife became disabled due to an accident. i would be too filled with sadness, sympathy, and support.

you sound exactly like the wife that Thom here needs to get away from. wow.

LOL, maybe I am like that "terrible" wife that has been taking care of him and their children for the past couple of years. God knows I've tried to be a good wife and mother. I'm just a fellow poster with an opinion that apparently doesnt match yours.

Sometimes life is about taking the sourest lemons life has to offer and making something resembling lemonade ... credit to This Is Us

Edited December 9, 20178 yr by Apple203

Hello, I'm Thom, first post here.

I'm not usually one to share, but I need some advice here.
I had the VSG on 12/1, and everything had been going well till today. So let me give a little back story. I broke my back two years ago, had several spinal surgeries including a 3 level fusion with hardware. I gained 70 lbs while hurt. I'm not able to be very active, so I chose to have the sleeve to loose weight. I went from $115k+ a year to the state max on workers comp, which put a big strain on us financially. In October, comp cut my checks till I have a hearing in front of the industrial commission to determine my life long compensation amount. So we've been living on her income alone.
Today, when im 6 days post op, she wants to call me names because I couldn't cook the kids supper. The smell of food makes me nauseous after surgery. Then she tells me I'm a bum, because of this surgery, and has been treating me like ****.
I really don't know how to deal with this right now. I've never been emotional in my life, but this surgery has affected me some how. What should I do?

Hi Thom and welcome to the group.
Let's start with the basics first. Give your Doctor a call and get some anti-nausea medicine. As far as you being emotional that is normal to have post operatively. If it continues you may need to speak with your doctor about it. Your body has been through a lot physically, your life has been turned upside down. Adjusting to a new "normal" will be challenging.
Your wife is likely feeling the pressure of the additional responsibility she isn't used to. She is also adjusting to your new normal. Maybe a compromise is in order. Instead of "cooking", make them sandwiches or something else that doesn't require cooking.
I think that having a candid discussion with her may be in order. Choose a time of day that she isn't stressed and have a discussion. Or... tell her you would like to have a chat with her and ask her when the best time is. I agree with the others that she is not being very nice. However, before doing something as drastic as divorce, try to solve the problem. If you need a professional to help, get one. You have children and they deserve for you to try all other avenues before giving up. A therapist or counselor may also be able to teach your wife how to express her feelings appropriately.
I hope this helps you, good luck and best wishes.

3 hours ago, Apple203 said:

LOL, maybe I am like that "terrible" wife that has been taking care of him and their children for the past couple of years.

well don’t do anything you don’t wanna do...

and definitely don’t do it just so you can turn around and abuse him later for it.

and DEFINTELY don’t assume you know that Thom’s wife is “taking care of him”. (as if there’s something wrong with that in the first place)

i guess you nodded off during that whole “in sickness and in health” part of the ceremony. i feel so bad for your husband.

I'm very real. Your shallow and gross..no I would not be angry at my spouse and start insulting them..if you would..I'd urge your spouse to start running now.

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Apple all you've done is blame the original poster. If it was a woman who made this post you wouldn't sit there on your high horse blaming her
How about the fact that some emotionally abusive people wait till their spouses is in a vulnerable position before they start abusing them. And infact all those things you mentioned like getting a job might not stop the abuse from happening. The reality is your telling me to get real then I work with men who are a victim of domestic abuse . Some physical some emotional and he could get the best job in the world and the abuse may carry on. You sound really uneducated and in some kind of world were no one else is. And your response is quite offensive and insensitive.

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