Sorry if this is the wrong forum for this, I'm not sure exactly where it would go

So with Valentines day being earlier this week, I had reminded my boyfriend the week before that I couldn't eat chocolate, which he should know regardless because it's something I've told him plenty of times--he doesn't know all the details of my surgery but he knows it affected how I eat, and I've complained to him a million times about how sick chocolate makes me now, and also he knows I watch what I eat like a hawk, so you'd think he'd know better...

His "big valentines present" for me was a giant box of chocolates. Like 30-something pieces of chocolate that I can't eat. (also I planned literally the entire evening and bought him like $50 worth of presents but thats not the point lol)

Idk what to do. I've spent the last few days feeling really shitty about it, like it almost feels like a personal attack even though I know it's just him being oblivious. When he gave it to me I was just kind of like "Oh... thanks....!" and then later in the evening brought up how it felt like he didn't listen to me and he went "yeah, that was stupid of me" but otherwise it hasn't come up and I've just had this box of chocolates sitting in my room because I can't eat them but also feel bad giving it away--especially since he's been here in the mornings so he would see if I brought it to work with me I was just gonna let it sit in here but chocolate is a total trigger food for me and last night I opened it, ate 2 of them, and ended up puking sooooo... it needs to go.

Anyways idk I guess I'm just wondering how you guys handle situations like this. I feel betrayed but also feel like that's a way overreaction over a box of chocolates on a holiday meant for chocolate. I'm not sure if I should bring it up again or just trash it or take it to work even if he sees me doing it or what.

My answer, and I am a male, is that we are just not that smart. The cartoons about us and squirrels or boobs are exactly right. We are just not that deep. He thinks Valentines day = buy a gift, looks around and sees a box of something red and heart shaped and BOOM, done.

Don't be too hard on him. I would remind him again and move on! Take pity on us.

Astro

Edited March 3, 20179 yr by AstroGuy
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On 3/3/2017 at 10:11 AM, AstroGuy said:

My answer, and I am a male, is that we are just not that smart. The cartoons about us and squirrels or boobs are exactly right. We are just not that deep. He thinks Valentines day = buy a gift, looks around and sees a box of something red and heart shaped and BOOM, done.

Don't be too hard on him. I would remind him again and move on! Take pity on us.

Astro

Yes, that, and.. I honestly think people tend to get worked up about trivial things.

Valentine's Day is just another day, just because corporations push you to buy chocolates, stuffed animals, candy, etc., doesn't mean you need to. We have 365-66 days a year, those are the days to show your appreciation for your loved one.

I received a huge assortment of chocolates and a bouquet of chocolate covered strawberries. I shared them with co workers and did not have a single one. Whatever was left I gave to my kids to enjoy. No biggie! Its the thought that counts what's valentines without chocolates.

Thank you all for the support. In the end, I told him I couldn't eat the chocolates but appreciated the thought and that I would be giving them to my coworkers--he understood and was fine with that but I think he feels pretty bad about putting me in that situation in the first place. We've decided from now on I'm going to send him my amazon wishlist for ideas lol. All the support here really helped me feel a lot better about the entire situation.

When I say he doesn't know all the details of my surgery I mean he knows I had a surgery for something but doesn't know I had WLS--we met immediately after I had the surgery and I wasn't wanting to tell someone I had just met that I had gastric sleeve surgery done (mostly wanting to avoid all the questions). I told him I had hernia repair/acid reflux surgery, and that I had some damaged tissue removed, which is all true, it just wasn't why I was under the knife in the first place--now we're at a point where I've been going with the hernia thing for so long that it doesn't seem worth it to correct myself so things like sitting him down and explaining the ins and outs or taking him to a support group aren't exactly options. He does know I'm on a weight loss journey and that I've lost 100lbs+ (most of which has been during the time we've been together) and is very supportive. I might sit him down and go over my dietary restrictions again, though--I've explained them before but apparently it didn't stick well enough.

You are right to feel betrayed! Either he is very young and inexperienced in relationships or he is very self-centered. You deserve the unfailing support of everyone who cares about you after going through this type of life style change. I don't think this guy is a keeper. Just saying...

Trash the chocolates in front of him and ask him if he understands now. Not kidding. It is important that he get the message if he is going to be in your life. You're either on the train or not. If he was allergic to peanuts, would you buy him a large box of peanuts?

I think some posters haven't read the update that the OP has not told her significant other ANYTHING about her surgery. Given that, I don't see how there could be any feeling of betrayal as there hasn't been honesty and transparency about the underlying issue on any front. Now, the dude obviously knows the OP is working on her weight and health, so in that sense it was a douchy move, but all people have moments like that sometimes.

When it all boils down to it, in these cases, say thank you and then move on. If someone hasn't redefined their relationship with food enough to be able to do that, then that should give that person an indication that there is more work to do in that arena.

On 3/12/2017 at 11:07 AM, blizair09 said:

I think some posters haven't read the update that the OP has not told her significant other ANYTHING about her surgery. Given that, I don't see how there could be any feeling of betrayal as there hasn't been honesty and transparency about the underlying issue on any front. Now, the dude obviously knows the OP is working on her weight and health, so in that sense it was a douchy move, but all people have moments like that sometimes.

When it all boils down to it, in these cases, say thank you and then move on. If someone hasn't redefined their relationship with food enough to be able to do that, then that should give that person an indication that there is more work to do in that arena.

So you're saying guys aren't omniscient mind readers?

Next thing you're gonna tell me is we're not e-Santa's who load up our significant others with presents every commercialized holiday to gain their affection.

On 2/18/2017 at 6:19 PM, elliekay said:

Anyways idk I guess I'm just wondering how you guys handle situations like this.

Well, I am a guy and married, but I love making people pay when they disrespect me. Honestly, if you told him as many times as you said that you don't want chocolate and he still gave it to you, then he is either a complete asshat or he doesn't care about you.

My suggestion? Wait until his Birthday and buy him a can of dog food then tell him enjoy it just like you do chocolate.

Okay. I just finished reading her next post where it clarified that she had not told him she had weight loss surgery before he bought the Valentine chocolates. Sorry for jumping to conclusions before having all the facts!

My surgery was just 9 days ago (gastric sleeve) and I'm feeling irritable (not hungry but mourning the taste of foods that caused my weight gain in the first place). Just started eating pureed foods and can't eat more than 2 ounces without my stomach hurting. I have a "First Bite" class to go to at my surgeon's office tomorrow. I'm assuming it's with their nutritionist. Hopefully I'll get some help with what and how much to eat so my stomach won't hurt. Please keep me in your prayers.

So you're saying guys aren't omniscient mind readers?
Next thing you're gonna tell me is we're not e-Santa's who load up our significant others with presents every commercialized holiday to gain their affection.

I think you missed the part where I've repeatedly warned him I can't eat chocolate. He doesn't know my surgery was WLS but he knows I had a surgery that affected my digestion and that a lot of foods make me really sick--this is something I talk about with him constantly. I don't think I'm expecting him to be a mind reader so much as just expecting him to listen to me you know? I would have been much happier receiving nothing than something I made explicitly clear numerous times that if I ate it it would make me sick...

35 minutes ago, elliekay said:

I think you missed the part where I've repeatedly warned him I can't eat chocolate. He doesn't know my surgery was WLS but he knows I had a surgery that affected my digestion and that a lot of foods make me really sick--this is something I talk about with him constantly. I don't think I'm expecting him to be a mind reader so much as just expecting him to listen to me you know? I would have been much happier receiving nothing than something I made explicitly clear numerous times that if I ate it it would make me sick...

I don't know exactly what he knows but your two posts paint two different pictures of what you're telling him. Either way I go by the Latin philosophy of Ei incumbit probatio qui dicit, non qui negat (presumption of innocence, or in legalese, innocent until proven guilty) presume most SO's aren't going to deliberately try and be an asshole. But then again I also think people invest too much money and care into a random day that's clearly more about buying crap than loving your partner, so they set themselves up for failure with excessive expectations.

As a guy who grew up around women (my dad died when I was young so I was raised by a single mom around the women in my mom's side plus all my moms female friends), it's a lot more comforting knowing one can talk about personal issues with women, but in cases like this womens' over-socialization complex backfires on them and they easily can make too much of nothing. Unless this situation is coupled with other acts of similar nature where you can draw the same assured conclusion, my personal advice is that he know the gift wasn't what you want, but let it go.

Have you heard the phrase "Like A Deer In The Headlights" that explains most of us Cavemen style Men. We know Valentines is coming but we put it off so at the last minute we run into our local Grocery after our buddies have reminded us at work that we BETTER take something home. I would throw them away I know it sounds wasteful but the feeling that you get from cutting the strings that tie you to chocolate will be Liberating. You could give them to friends but do you really want to add to someone else food Addiction. To All the Women Out There it is time to start asking for EXACTLY what you want from us here are the unofficial rules.
1) 2 weeks before a Holiday write a list of things you would like as a gift (give us 3 options so we feel like we made the choice)
2) One week tell us where we might find said items!!!
3) The day before remind us what you want (Doing this while you're Naked Surely Helps Us remember)
4) Day of Praise us for getting you Exactly what you wanted (This makes us think it was our own Idea)
Now that I have gave you one of the Many Mysteries about how men's minds work Go Forth and enjoy your Holidays!!!

I had to laugh at your response! I have the most loving caring supportive husband...but....he is the world's worst gift giver. He stresses over it way to much plus he works long hours. I never set him up to fail, because I love him. I show him what I would like for bday,anniversary etc. And then order it in his name lol that way all he has to do is wrap it. After 10 years it's a win win. I already know he loves me I don't need to test him by rating a gift.

Heatherable thank you for being Considerate and realizing as men we can only do one thing well at a time. Your Husband is a Very Lucky Man. I bet he is a Great Grill Master and Wonderful Human Being!!!