I started the BariatricPal forums to create a safe place for everyone in the weight loss surgery community. It is for pre-op and post-op patients, for patients of all types of WLS, and for anyone who supports the WLS community. I want you to be able to come here for advice, encouragement, support, and information without worrying about being judged.

I have a zero-tolerance policy for rudeness, and you can see the guidelines in the Forum Rules.

Recently, there have been several instances of members being disrespectful or downright rude. Examples include:

• Stating or implying that a poster is doomed to failure or not ready for WLS because he or she asked a certain question or is engaged in a certain behavior.
• Telling people that your way is the only way, and any other way means the member deserves WLS failure.
• Discriminating against “newbies,” such as letting a newbie know that you don’t think he or she will succeed, or asking only “vets” to reply to a certain thread. (Reminder: you can always choose not to follow the advice of someone you deem unqualified to give it).

The vast majority of BariatricPal members do a phenomenal job making BariatricPal the warm, friendly community that I dreamed of when I started it. Thank you! Besides being sure to be polite and respectful, here are some additional ways to help.

If you see an offensive post, please consider the following.

• You do not need to respond. Instead of giving a rude answer and escalating the situation, you can simply choose not to answer.
• You can report the post by clicking on the “Report” option under the post. A forum moderator will look into the situation and may delete the post or ban the member if the member continues to post inappropriately.
• You can send the member a private message explaining that you felt the post was inappropriate, and explaining why. In many cases, you may be surprised that the member did not even realize he or she was being rude.

Please also think twice before you respond to any questions or other posts. It is possible that you could write a post that is genuinely meant to be helpful, but the person could accidentally interpret your post the wrong way. Try to remember that:

• It is very difficult to communicate a specific tone in writing. You may write something that you think is helpful and understanding, while someone reading it might take it as bossy or judgmental.
• Emoticons such as smiley faces can help.
• You can also add a sentence to explain that you are only offering a suggestion or sharing your own experience and that you are not trying to judge the OP.
• The OP might be in a vulnerable situation. They may be panicking about a worrisome symptom. They may be in turmoil about whether to get WLS. They may be freaking out about a stall. When they’re upset, it’s easier for them to misinterpret your well-meaning post.

Thank you for doing your best to keep the environment at BariatricPal positive, encouraging, and open. We all need a place to go for help and support, and I want the entire weight loss surgery to feel comfortable using BariatricPal for advice and encouragement.

I just come here to learn and share. I need to learn the very valuable skill of not engaging in every argument/debate that I see. Y'all have a great day!

People of all ages, creeds, religions etc congregate here. With one issue (I am making an assumption here) in common, a desire to lose weight through WLS or maintain a weightloss from existing WLS.

We are from all over the globe experiencing different surgeries, different surgeons in different countries.

Some of us are in pain, frightened and worried. Either trying to make one of the biggest decisions of our lives or trying to deal with the aftermath of such a decision.

Kindness is key, so is compassion and grace.

However, the above may look and sound different to each human here!

I read what I want, I say what I want, I learn loads and have made new friends.

If people need to leave to keep themselves safe, then the rest of us need to respect that. The same way if a person asks a question, even if it is about a stall or drinking beer two days out, we need to show a respectful silence or look away.

Everyone is valuable. Everyone here has different personalities and styles.

There is little point in becoming offended whether it be because of someone being snippy on a thread or someone asking us to play nicely together!

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Too many people, too many levels of emotions, not everyone will be pleased all of the time. You can't control how everyone is going to react to every word you are putting out there. Someone is bound to get offended one way or another.

Me? Give it to me raw, tell me the nitty gritty. Don't sugar coat it. Don't patronize me by saying things nicely in order to avoid conflict. I will not be offended because I come here for advice. I'm new to all of this. I want to research and know and be prepared. I don't want to look into this experience with rose colored glasses.

But again; that's my opinion. I know everyone doesn't feel the same. I have yet to see someone be rude on here. I don't understand what this stemmed from, but hopefully vets don't get pushed out. I like being informed on every possible situations and I really enjoy reading these posts.

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In my experience running other boards, blanket "play nice" threads, while well-meaning, don't reach the intended audience and usually serve to upset those who it is not aimed towards.

I find it much more effective to warn the offenders privately.

I do the same thing at work. Blanket warnings or directives to change behavior don't work. You have to speak to the offender directly.

Just my two pence.

I have gone back and re-read the thread here, and I really need to call myself out and apologize! I never wanted to come across as such a bitch. I really do respect all of you, I am grateful for your wisdom, and I just realized I did the very thing that I was complaining about. I really need to get a handle on my attitude (I keep blaming it on hormones, but that's pretty weak!) Let me just say that I now realize it is our differences that make us so valuable to each other. I am sincere when I say that I really hope to be more tolerant and respectful to all of you. There was no need for me to stir the pot.

"All our members are polite, politically correct, sensitive, and joyously knowledgeable" said no internet forum ever.

Unfortunately when you have any type public forum there will always be nice people, funny people, abrasive people, know-it-alls who really know very little, closed minded people who think their way is the only way, and desperately needy people who could not form an independent opinion if their lives depended on it.

This is the world wide web, the blazing fast internet, the information super highway.

There is really no way to control what type of person joins. You can spend your days trying to block the numerous a-holes or you can leave it up to each individual to determine who gives sound advice and responses.

There will never be a day that you have an open forum consisting only of genuinely nice people. You can certainly ask for courtesy and respect from members but to think that everyone will cooperate is unrealistic.

It takes all kinds to make the world go round.

Safety is a wide ranging topic.

Listening to someone berate their sleeve because it allowed them to eat a 20oz steak early on post-op raises some safety concerns for sure. The urge to comment on this dangerous act was compelling, although I'm quite sure someone became butt hurt over our lack support of that behavior.

It's a fine line between coming across as being supportive Vs a jerk. I'll do my best to be positive and helpful but I'm not going to lie.

I am the first to admit that sometimes the truth hurts! Some situations just can't be supported. I would want to know the truth if I were doing something to hurt myself.

Thanks, Alex, I had been thinking about the same ideas this past week.

It especially makes my blood boil when someone responds to a post with "well if you're thinking of doing that then I question your commitment to weight loss." I think it is really not a helpful response. You don't have enough information to make that call. I'm sure it is not too difficult to get your point across without suggesting someone is destined to be a weight loss failure.

Greetings, all!

I think my take-away from Alex's post is this: "Be ever mindful that you communicate on this forum from a place of positive intent, and do your best to consider the impact it will have on the other person. Let this guide the manner in which you engage in this forum." In other words, this isn't the place to be a jerk. In a nutshell, that's the conclusion I came to. Works for me.

LipstickLady,

Stay true to yourself. I have ready many of your posts, they are written respectfully and honest, even sometimes with "tough love" because you are truly concerned.

I also read responses when someone was trying to rip you a new a$$, but you responded back to them in a respectful manner.

As far as "pussyfoot" goes, is that a birth defect? If so, man, I would love to sell women's shoes.

This is why I like (most) men better than (most) women. They look at what's presented to them without adding a whole lot of interpretation and emotional connection. You gotta take words on an internet forum at face value instead of reading into every word spoken as a direct hit.

Sigh.

Staying true to myself is stepping away. Eventually these boards may revolve back into being a place where one can just be oneself but for now? Not so much.

You can come sell me shoes anytime.

Do you prefer a traditional pump or one with a tongue and laces? They do come in 50 shades of grey.

Maybe your husband can take you out "shoe shopping" later.

Greetings, all!

I think my take-away from Alex's post is this: "Be ever mindful that you communicate on this forum from a place of positive intent, and do your best to consider the impact it will have on the other person. Let this guide the manner in which you engage in this forum." In other words, this isn't the place to be a jerk. In a nutshell, that's the conclusion I came to. Works for me.

Girl, I couldn't agree with you more.

To add to that -- some people are gonna be offended because they WANNA be offended.

Hit dogs will holler!!!!

But I'm guessing it's a post surgery hormone they inject in some. I've read post and watched videos of how after surgery ppl tend to turn into mean b*****s.

Maybe it's the low carbs, I pray I don't lose my hair or turn into a mean _______.

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In other words, this isn't the place to be a jerk. In a nutshell, that's the conclusion I came to. Works for me.

@@LaDivaDev

you are aces

good luck with gastric bypass in august

speedy recovery

kathy

As a person who has been a mental health warrior for a very long time I fully understand the reason this post was made.

For a lot of you here, blunt and what you like to call tough love is 100% your approach. It is your approach because you aren't personally impacted by that approach, giving or receiving it. That's your way life.

For someone like me, it's just not that easy. I can dissect every single word slung at me. Over analyze it. Be hurt. Be sad. Worry about it for hours on end. Every time I speak/write I analyze everything to determine how it would impact me. I'm not saying the tough lovers don't think before they speak. What I am saying is that it probably isn't agonizing for you.

Is my sensitivity your fault? No. But it isn't mine either. I don't expect anyone to pussyfoot around me. And you shouldn't expect everyone to understand your bluntness, or that it was only meant just that, tough love. Not all minds work that way.

Then there are also the people who just come out of the gate swinging if someone says something they don't agree with. I'm not excusing these people, but I am a little in awe of them for having the ability to so readily defend themselves because I most often shy away from conflict. And yes, I agree they go over board and push buttons and escalate things quickly.

I guess my point is that the people who don't understand this post might have never walked in the shoes of a person with a shattered mind. We can't just toughen up. We can't just grow thicker skin. We can't always control what "butt hurts" us. That said, we also shouldn't be banned from the internet though, like is often suggested because we are sensitive. We want and need support to and you have no right to determine what does or doesn't hurt or bother us.

The world is so full of hate. If we could all try a little harder to see each other's perspective there wouldn't be so many lines drawn in the sand.

I appreciate most everyone here. I know I'm sensitive so I avoid posts that go in a direction that doesn't support my needs. Am I ultimately avoiding conflict? Yes. But that is how I make it through this world that often leaves me feeling ways that aren't healthy for me. Maybe for you tough lovers, if a responder gets a little upset, don't keep going. Just bow out of the post. You never know what storm another person is walking through.

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Edited July 31, 201610 yr by HopeandAgony