Hello bariatric pals.

Today, my boyfriend's mother drove up from Philly for her sister's birthday here in Rochester. I always felt that she was supportive and non-judgmental of me. She was there on the day of surgery, helping me and taking care of me. When I first told her I was planning on having surgery, she seemed sort of baffled but still tried to be supportive and encouraging. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving, which was 40-50 pounds ago, and I was excited to show her all the progress I've made.

I THINK she was trying to compliment me, or at least comment on how much I've lost. I'm almost positive she did not mean to be cruel or hurtful. But what she said was "you were VERY LARGE" - and she said it 5 times throughout the conversation. As though the only thing she could comment on was that I was VERY large and now I'm only LARGE. That she had to repeat that same phrase 5 separate times, but never once said I looked good, or I'm doing well makes me think that I couldn't possibly look as good as I finally convinced myself I look. I almost wish she had said nothing at all. That would have been less hurtful than being reminded that even though there are 165 pounds between that VERY large person and the person I am today, I will always be that girl. It made me feel like I will only ever be "442-pound Abby". It made me feel like I've been fooling myself by finally feeling like I can go out in public and my fatness isn't a glaring thing that offends the precious eyes of all the judgmental assholes that feel entitled to stare at me and make comments like I'm less than human, all because I'm fat.

Am I ever going to escape her? Am I ever going to be treated like a person with talents and dreams and desires, or am I always going to be a VERY LARGE person? Is the hate and stigma surrounding fat people so intense that my entire personality is negated by my looks, even though I no longer look ANYTHING like the girl I was a year ago? Do the people in my life have this set image of me when my weight was out of control, and is that image ever going to change? Or am I just fooling myself?

I guess I'm just looking for... support? Commiseration? A shoulder to cry on? I thought I was past feeling like this, like I'm not worthy of feeling good about myself and the enormous amount of effort I've put into my health.

But today, I feel like I'm all the way back at square one.

@@Cervidae thank you for this, as always I am inspired by your writings.

I can really relate to your post, especially this part: "It made me feel like I've been fooling myself by finally feeling like I can go out in public and my fatness isn't a glaring thing that offends the precious eyes of all the judgmental assholes that feel entitled to stare at me and make comments like I'm less than human, all because I'm fat."

I sometimes feel this way too and in some ways have had to work harder at not worrying about what others think than when I was over 400 lbs. I want validation from those whose opinion I value because damn, this has been hard work (and I still have so far to go!)

Regardless of your boyfriend's mother's intentions or impact, I hope you feel the incredible success you have achieved and will continue to achieve. It is moments like this that give us a chance to further our healing so that we can thrive, and it seems like you have done that by reaching out and telling your truth and getting the support that I wish she could have given and that you deserve.

Thanks for being an inspiration to me and many others on this site.

@@butterfly23 thank you so much! It makes me so happy to hear that I've helped anyone in any way. The people here have been so kind and helpful to me, and I really want to return the favor. Stay healthy and happy!

Which surgery did you choose?

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@@Patti66 if you're asking me, I chose the RNY. I had it last August, so I'm now 6.5 months post op.

What is RNY?

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What is RNY?

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Roue n Y - Gastric Bypass.

pam

Thanks Pam, me too

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Hopefully soon

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I think most thinner people honestly don't know how backhanded their compliments are, e.g., "Wow, you've lost a TON of weight!" and "You have such a pretty FACE." They haven't walked in our shoes and just can't see it. It sounds like she's been supportive of you before, so I would look at those actions rather than her probably unintended insensitive words.

I was thinking about this the other day: why people have to put a label on each other? When I was large everyone in my family was concern about my health and outside Beauty, so I was fat, "pretty face"but fat. My sisters make fun of me because of 5 kids I was the only big one. My brother in law one time told me if I was your husband I would go and sleep with another women ( he is an asshole ) now that I lost all the weight I'm too skinny, I look like a zombie, I look sick, skinny is not always beautiful. My sisters are competing with me, going to the gym like crazy. Eating protein bars to replace a meal, and ask me: how much you weight??? They will never know. Then they say: you have a skinny butt it's not good need to have some meat not only bones. Etc etc etc

People who just meet me for the first time don't know about the surgery they said. You look great. The change its hard on people. They have to judge you no matter what. Jeoulosy ? Concern? Stupidity?? Who knows but guess what I had surgery for myself I don't care is others opinion, it's their problem not mine.

Part of our own transformation is to learn to be comfortble in our own skin. i can assure you that when my skinny minny girlfriend is told she is too skinny, she just nods and smiles as she is polite. It is her body and other people don't really get a vote and she doesn;t give it another thought. Just to be clear, she is healthy, just a skinny person and everyone seems to have an opinion. I have said it before, people that I meet NOW tend to think i am just right because it is all they know... it is only people that knew me obese who seem to think I am too thin/too fat or whatever....

I sometimes feel like I am too big because I wear a med top and recognize how much smaller so many women are. But truth of the matter is that we are all built differently and as long as you look healthy, and natural for your frame, people don't see you as too heavy or too light - unless they knew you before that is!!!

It is very freeing to just know you are fine and the other stuff rolls off a bit easier.

So one of my best responses was from a 9 year old grandson who said "Yeah, my grandma USED to be bigger."

It felt like he was confirming his relationship with me, we love each other not matter the size. I always tell him when I notice he has grown. He is now taller than me and quite proud of it.

When folks say "Wow, you look great!" I say "Thank you!"

When folks say "You have sure lost some weight!" I say "Yes. I have."

Two more great moments that I treasure are when on separate occasions two women I truly admire told me

"I really like your style!" I felt so honored.

A0

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I agree in feeling as though she was just trying to wrap her head around it. In our society talking about someone's weight is seen as taboo and rude, which just adds to how most people get so obese before they get help. Everyone aids in the denial. So, when someone mentions our weight we flash back to bullying and the hurt feelings rush back onto the person who might be trying to help.

Give her time, and the benefit of the doubt, change the subject or be open and have a full out conversation about it. It can be very therapeutic and make the relationship stronger. Something to think about.