No Sex? WTF

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

So yes.... i have been on this forum for the past 6 years and have posted on a many of things. I have a question.... How many of you have lost the weight, got in shape only to have your spouse now not be interested in you...??

We have been married for almost 25 years. The first 5 i was thin.... then gained weight gradually through out the years. The last 5 have been what i would call "normal" size.

Years before the weight loss we didn't have sex maybe a few times a year. I was kind of ok with that.... I blamed my weight and my lack of interest on my size. He assured me that it was not my size. He got tested for Low T and sure nuff... he now takes Testosterone shots every other week (gives himself RX). This was about the time i started losing weight and things got better. We were having sex a few times a month. At this time he also started working out, tanning, eating right, "grooming".... lol. It was great. I also, happen to think he may have started an affair with an ex GF. I intercepted a text message between them that he would not let me see.... plus i just had the gut feeling. anyway, she and her husband got divorced and she moved..... low and behold he stop EVERY thing... and our sex life went back into the crapper.

Now, im 47 and something clicked in my hormones that has made me a raging Nympho... I wake up thinking about sex.... during the day im thinking about it and at night.... it has to be how a 18 year old boy feels. But i can't get him to have sex with me.... on the 8th it will be 4 months since the last time and that only lasted 10 min... if that.

anyone else experience this?

[BigTink2LilTink 723]

Wow. First off sorry you are going though this. I was going to mention having him get tested for low testosterone, but he's already doing that. Have you just thought about talking to him and letting him know that you are more interested in have more frequent sexual interactions? Sometime the simple direct way is the better way of handling things.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

@@bayougirlmrsc -- "anyone else experience this?"

No, but that doesn't seem the point. Whether anyone has an experience similar to yours, the complete relationship history and the underlying issues aren't be the same.

Have you asked him what's going on?

You'll need to decide for yourself whether no sex is a deal-breaker. Not a decision to be made without thought.

It's notable that you omit mention of sexual activity during the first five years of your marriage. The omission and what was or wasn't going on probably are important for you to consider along with the rest.

Edited December 4, 2015 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[kelcified 66]

I have not experienced this. I have heard from others that have had issues with their significant others not wanting them after the surgery.

This most definitely requires an in-depth conversation with your spouse. If he was involved with someone else physically, his libido would have been higher.

Since I have not experienced this, here is some advice from others who have experienced this or something similar in my support group:

*Check yourself. This is not meant to be mean, but many people change with the surgery and don't notice.

*Discuss. With being so focused on you and your healing and journey, there may have been a change in him you didn't notice either.

*Be direct. State clearly what has changed, what you want and why (your libido has probably changed drastically with the weight loss). Ask him to be completly honest about what is going on so that you can come up with a solution together.

*Rememeber that sex doesn't define a relationship. You will need to determine for yourself, once you talk to your spouse, what a good solution would be for the both of you (ie: couseling, scheduling physical time to get back into the groove with each other, a break from each other, divorce).

I am very sorry to hear you are going through this and hope you are able to find a resolution that works for you both.

[winklie 518]

So yes.... i have been on this forum for the past 6 years and have posted on a many of things. I have a question.... How many of you have lost the weight, got in shape only to have your spouse now not be interested in you...??

We have been married for almost 25 years. The first 5 i was thin.... then gained weight gradually through out the years. The last 5 have been what i would call "normal" size.

Years before the weight loss we didn't have sex maybe a few times a year. I was kind of ok with that.... I blamed my weight and my lack of interest on my size. He assured me that it was not my size. He got tested for Low T and sure nuff... he now takes Testosterone shots every other week (gives himself RX). This was about the time i started losing weight and things got better. We were having sex a few times a month. At this time he also started working out, tanning, eating right, "grooming".... lol. It was great. I also, happen to think he may have started an affair with an ex GF. I intercepted a text message between them that he would not let me see.... plus i just had the gut feeling. anyway, she and her husband got divorced and she moved..... low and behold he stop EVERY thing... and our sex life went back into the crapper.

Now, im 47 and something clicked in my hormones that has made me a raging Nympho... I wake up thinking about sex.... during the day im thinking about it and at night.... it has to be how a 18 year old boy feels. But i can't get him to have sex with me.... on the 8th it will be 4 months since the last time and that only lasted 10 min... if that.

anyone else experience this?

Eighteen year old boy, hell. I am still this way, I was married to an ice cube. Things started well, then we got married and sex turned into a semi yearly event. In fact I can tell you when both my children were conceived as we had not had sex for months before, or after she got pregnant. My oldest daughter was a birthday gift..... My youngest was a Thanksgiving treat. I know what you are going through and feel badly for you. Both my wife and I remained faithful until after the divorce was over. Lol and she has remained celibate since then as well.

Sex is an important part of a relationship, it's the most intimate moments of a marriage. (Okay it can be, or it can be a carnal episode that leaves you both drenched in sweat, panting, and feeling full of joy)

Personally, I thank god everyday for free internet porn! But then again, I am a guy, it does not take much to arouse me, a picture, a webpage, a change in temperature, wind direction change, the sun rising or setting, a fly outside the window, lol.....

Best to talk this out, these are the kinds of unsaid things that unravel a marriage.

I wish you luck! And if you happen to find yourself in NH...... lol Just Kidding, I don't mess with married women, it's against my personal code.

[TinyTink 268]

I'm 47 too and while my experience isn't identical to yours, I've had many similarities. I just have one thing to say: you are too young to spend the rest of your life without the kind of loving relationship you need to be happy. You deserve it!

[BigViffer 3,544]

Not trying to be funny here, but is he gay? Another member here just recently had his wife come out after several years I believe.

I just looked at your gallery; even if your husband didn't like your personality, physically you would be difficult to ignore much less turn down an offer of sexual intimacy.

Sent from my phone, please forgive brevity and misspelling

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

Wow. First off sorry you are going though this. I was going to mention having him get tested for low testosterone, but he's already doing that. Have you just thought about talking to him and letting him know that you are more interested in have more frequent sexual interactions? Sometime the simple direct way is the better way of handling things.

and he takes cialis 5mg everyday.... I have talked to him. I make myself known when i want sex...

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

@@bayougirlmrsc -- "anyone else experience this?"

No, but that doesn't seem the point. Whether anyone has an experience similar to yours, the complete relationship history and the underlying issues aren't be the same.

Have you asked him what's going on?

You'll need to decide for yourself whether no sex is a deal-breaker. Not a decision to be made without thought.

It's notable that you omit mention of sexual activity during the first five years of your marriage. The omission and what was or wasn't going on probably are important for you to consider along with the rest.

The sex before when i was thin.... was good. Never "earth" shattering. But it happened at least every saturday am. Then as the weight crept up the sex went down... it was not all him at this point. I had little desire, but i still put out and gave it my all... even when i was not in the mood.

As far as it being a deal breaker.... im not sure if it is or not just yet. It's more the lack of intimacy on other levels that bothers me. no kissing, no hugging... very little physical contact. Trust when i say, i can handle things on my own.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

I have not experienced this. I have heard from others that have had issues with their significant others not wanting them after the surgery.

This most definitely requires an in-depth conversation with your spouse. If he was involved with someone else physically, his libido would have been higher.

Since I have not experienced this, here is some advice from others who have experienced this or something similar in my support group:

*Check yourself. This is not meant to be mean, but many people change with the surgery and don't notice.

*Discuss. With being so focused on you and your healing and journey, there may have been a change in him you didn't notice either.

*Be direct. State clearly what has changed, what you want and why (your libido has probably changed drastically with the weight loss). Ask him to be completly honest about what is going on so that you can come up with a solution together.

*Rememeber that sex doesn't define a relationship. You will need to determine for yourself, once you talk to your spouse, what a good solution would be for the both of you (ie: couseling, scheduling physical time to get back into the groove with each other, a break from each other, divorce).

I am very sorry to hear you are going through this and hope you are able to find a resolution that works for you both.

I know that i have changed... that is a fact. I own that and he knows that i do. Like i said... very direct and clear.

Counseling... i begged for it.. he said and i quote.. Get a part time job and pay for half and i will go.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

Not trying to be funny here, but is he gay? Another member here just recently had his wife come out after several years I believe.

I just looked at your gallery; even if your husband didn't like your personality, physically you would be difficult to ignore much less turn down an offer of sexual intimacy.

Sent from my phone, please forgive brevity and misspelling

I don't think so... Im a very good spotter of gay and Lesbian. In fact most of my closest friends are.... and he mentioned that the other day.... My personality is very outgoing, happy, free, funny, snippy, in your face, sarcastic and i tell the truth to a fault. if you want to know the truth... just ask... lol

This part will prob. be TMI... But....many people here have said.... Be aggressive or direct..... I can get out of the shower walk naked in front of him and Nothing.... i sleep naked every night and nothing.... i can pleasure myself with him in the bed next to me and NOTHING...

Sad part is.... I have men and woman hit on me daily and the one person i want to ...Wont.

[winklie 518]

@@bayougirlmrsc

That to me is a warning. Perhaps he feels your don't contribute enough to have 'earned' sex?

I know that i have changed... that is a fact. I own that and he knows that i do. Like i said... very direct and clear.

I have not experienced this. I have heard from others that have had issues with their significant others not wanting them after the surgery.

This most definitely requires an in-depth conversation with your spouse. If he was involved with someone else physically, his libido would have been higher.

Since I have not experienced this, here is some advice from others who have experienced this or something similar in my support group:

*Check yourself. This is not meant to be mean, but many people change with the surgery and don't notice.

*Discuss. With being so focused on you and your healing and journey, there may have been a change in him you didn't notice either.

*Be direct. State clearly what has changed, what you want and why (your libido has probably changed drastically with the weight loss). Ask him to be completly honest about what is going on so that you can come up with a solution together.

*Rememeber that sex doesn't define a relationship. You will need to determine for yourself, once you talk to your spouse, what a good solution would be for the both of you (ie: couseling, scheduling physical time to get back into the groove with each other, a break from each other, divorce).

I am very sorry to hear you are going through this and hope you are able to find a resolution that works for you both.

Counseling... i begged for it.. he said and i quote.. Get a part time job and pay for half and i will go.

That to me is a warning. Perhaps he feels your don't contribute enough to have 'earned' sex? But it does not work that way. Perhaps his T count is still low, perhaps he just lost the fire? There are a million reasons, direct, blunt, honest conversation to figure out what HIS problem is is the only solution.

[BigViffer 3,544]

This part will prob. be TMI...

Not at all!

But....many people here have said.... Be aggressive or direct..... I can get out of the shower walk naked in front of him and Nothing.... i sleep naked every night and nothing.... i can pleasure myself with him in the bed next to me and NOTHING...

...

... ...

Go on...

First off, I am truly sorry you have this to deal with. I don't say that lightly, as a matter of fact I don't believe I have said that to anyone on this forum yet. But this is a situation that is truly perplexing and deeply wounding. The one person (a spouse/partner) that should be building us up is ignoring you. At least if he were insulting you it could be rationalized as envy or jealousy.

I wish I had some sort of insight for you, but this behavior is outside my experience and beyond my comprehension. I have become pretty adept at reading signs from my wife that she is interested in intimacy and acting upon it. Having her actually initiate intimacy is difficult to her for some reason. I don't know if it is Catholic guilt or just old insecurities and fear of rejection. All she has to say to me is, "You know the kids are gone...". Then it is game on!

Whatever the reason for this behavior from your husband, I hope you find a solution whether it be communication, counselling, or separation.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

@@bayougirlmrsc -- "anyone else experience this?"

No, but that doesn't seem the point. Whether anyone has an experience similar to yours, the complete relationship history and the underlying issues aren't be the same.

Have you asked him what's going on?

You'll need to decide for yourself whether no sex is a deal-breaker. Not a decision to be made without thought.

It's notable that you omit mention of sexual activity during the first five years of your marriage. The omission and what was or wasn't going on probably are important for you to consider along with the rest.

The sex before when i was thin.... was good. Never "earth" shattering. But it happened at least every saturday am. Then as the weight crept up the sex went down... it was not all him at this point. I had little desire, but i still put out and gave it my all... even when i was not in the mood.

As far as it being a deal breaker.... im not sure if it is or not just yet. It's more the lack of intimacy on other levels that bothers me. no kissing, no hugging... very little physical contact. Trust when i say, i can handle things on my own.

Now you've come up with quite a different complaint: That the main issue is the lack of affection, not the absence of sex. Then you went back to sex as the bigger picture. I wish you the best and suggest that, toward that end, you communicate better with your husband than you have here. Changing directions won't get you far.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

@@WLSResources/ClothingExch I didn't have to look at your profile to tell your from NY... its a lot harder typing then talking and yes i do communicate with him... i tell him how i feel. Now does he hear me.... who the F knows. He knows im a very affectionate person... I love kissing, holding, touching and of course all this mostly leads to sex... I get none of that. That was my point...

@@BigViffer He has never supported my choice to have the band done. He had made ugly comments to me, like.... you are to thin... you look like a bag of bones, your face was prettier when you were fat because you couldn't see the wrinkles.... you losing weight was the worse thing ever. But im not going to gain weight to make him happy... I like where i am right now.