In general since I was a kid my ass and I have not really had a good relationship. I guess we tolerated each other, neither really liking the other one. Since surgery, my ass has evolved into four distinct categories.

1) Normal, just like everyone else, a good BM once a day, and all is well.

2) Constipated, however I feel it coming on and counter with Prescription Miralax, Colace and MoM if it's bad enough. I got that under control.

3) Volcano Ass. No other way to put it, I get a few rumbles, which is a sign to rush to the nearest restroom and my ass erupts, there is no telling what is coming out. Things I never ate appear. I swear I have no idea how my ass produces the things it does during a volcano stage.

4) Emergency evacuate. This is rare, but I have had it, along I think with everyone else all my life. It's like after eating a bad scallop, and about an hour or two later, your body goes into emergency evacuate mode. There is something inside it does not want and it is going to use every or-face available to get rid of the unwanted matter.

So, if you find yourself and your ass not getting along, know you are not alone. Tonight we discovered that the Healthy Choice Mayo I got, my ass does not like. So that chicken salad I made, is now a real question mark.

Love the humor you have towards the subject. It can be a difficult thing to deal with the back end and adjusting to the shift in how things are digested. The best way (if you ask me) to handle things is finding a little bit of humor. But yes, I've heard that it's not an easy adjustment. Thankfully I haven't had any moments outside of my house yet but I return to work tomorrow so we will see how well I adjust in the BM category at work.

Hilarious and very relatable!

Too funny!

LOL! Seriously funny and very relatable.

thanks for ruining chocolate for me.

Lmao. I hope you and your ass eventually get along. Lol

@@lorri716

Me too! It sounds like we need to sit down and have a discussion about the do's and don't. Oh wait, asses don't talk, well unless they are running for political office!!!! (hahaha NOW I am laughing)

Chili, is not working well. And that is bad, because I have 12 servings left, frozen and in the fridge. So my ass will just have to deal with it.

Nice you bring up a subject lots of us rarely discuss... The funniest comment someone posted who was dealing with severe constipation was

She felt like she was "passing a pineapple". Ouch. And there have been days....

Lol

I got the idea for the post after seeing in someones signature, "Never trust a fart" and it got me thinking about how bad things between myself and my ass have become. So I figured if it would start a discussion and get a couple of laughs at the same time, what harm was there to be done?

It's all good Winklie

@@Dar200

Lesson learned: 300 calories of coffee and yogurt, you will fail to make it to the bathroom at least twice. Just in case anyone was contemplating such a crazy day, be warned!

LOL loving your since of humor, continue to try new things or reintroduce things back into your body before long your body will adjust and you will love your bottom once again. Good luck.

Omg I laughed so hard my incisions hurt! ????

@@Sajijoma

Not to laugh at your pain in any way, but your incisions hurt, my ass was killing me yesterday. Using the box of chocolates metaphor, it was like getting that nasty chocolate with some unknown chemical like substance in it that tastes so nasty it takes days for you to forget how nasty it tasted.