In general since I was a kid my ass and I have not really had a good relationship. I guess we tolerated each other, neither really liking the other one. Since surgery, my ass has evolved into four distinct categories.

1) Normal, just like everyone else, a good BM once a day, and all is well.

2) Constipated, however I feel it coming on and counter with Prescription Miralax, Colace and MoM if it's bad enough. I got that under control.

3) Volcano Ass. No other way to put it, I get a few rumbles, which is a sign to rush to the nearest restroom and my ass erupts, there is no telling what is coming out. Things I never ate appear. I swear I have no idea how my ass produces the things it does during a volcano stage.

4) Emergency evacuate. This is rare, but I have had it, along I think with everyone else all my life. It's like after eating a bad scallop, and about an hour or two later, your body goes into emergency evacuate mode. There is something inside it does not want and it is going to use every or-face available to get rid of the unwanted matter.

So, if you find yourself and your ass not getting along, know you are not alone. Tonight we discovered that the Healthy Choice Mayo I got, my ass does not like. So that chicken salad I made, is now a real question mark.

You know what's great for bad ass pain? Witch hazel! That stuff and diaper cream!

@@Sajijoma

I'll keep this in mind, however since I have started eating again, my ass has forgiven me and once again we are getting along.