serious question for fellow "veterans"

[Alex Brecher 10,496]

Yes! Cowgirljane, you and other WLS veterans are so relevant on BariatricPal! You are wonderful examples of how to make WLS work not just for a few months, but in the long term! You know how to get to goal weight and stay there. You know how to hang in there when things get long and boring, and you’re not seeing the pounds fly off anymore.

And we need to see that it can be done, and how. And you and veterans like you can show and tell us.

That said…I think there are a few things here that you hit on. One is the unfortunate fact that some veterans have lost their empathy for newbies.

Maybe it’s because they forget exactly how hard the journey is. It’s hard to remember every agonizing minute when choosing a surgeon, recovering from surgery, figuring out what you can and should eat, and which pains are worth panicking over. When you’ve been living the WLS lifestyle for years, it’s normal. When you’re just starting it, you don’t know what to expect.

It can also be an attitude of, “If I did it, you can. Don’t make a big deal out of it.”

I think there’s also the problem that veterans can come off as overly harsh, even if they don’t intend to be. It’s easy to think something is obvious when you’ve gone through it, or to just speak quickly when you’re answering something you think is an easy question.

The next problem is that these few (or many) less-than-empathetic veterans can lead to newbies grouping them into a single class: the “mean veterans.” And that’s just sad, because so many veterans, just like you, Cowgirljane, are hanging around in order to pay it forward.

Another problem that I suspect is that some newbies don’t really like the answers they get. For example, “Can I eat pizza post-op?” “No.” “You’re just being mean!” Okay, maybe not quite that obvious, but in some cases, it’s pretty close.

So you and the other veterans who are trying to help are very relevant. I hope you will keep posting your wisdom and keep being supportive to those who need it – there are a lot of members who do, and who appreciate it, too.

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

Another problem that I suspect is that some newbies don’t really like the answers they get. For example, “Can I eat pizza post-op?” “No.” “You’re just being mean!” Okay, maybe not quite that obvious, but in some cases, it’s pretty close.

THIS^^^ Happens a whole lot. But it's often along the lines of "I'm 2 weeks post-op my doctor says no pizza, can I eat it anyway?" Followed by a chorus of "one time won't hurt". When someone like CowgirlJane says that may not be wise they are accused of being mean.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

THIS^^^ Happens a whole lot. But it's often along the lines of "I'm 2 weeks post-op my doctor says no pizza, can I eat it anyway?" Followed by a chorus of "one time won't hurt". When someone like CowgirlJane says that may not be wise they are accused of being mean.

@@BLERDgirl -- thanks for the example. Vets really are kicked in the shins for such pinheaded reasons? How extreme if even "pretty close." The impression I got earlier was that some new people take exception to to-the-point responses. Face it, except for repeat flamers in the comments sections of media websites, too many tiptoe and strew rose petals before getting down to business.

Maybe, just maybe, the new people are jesting? Fake-pouting? Turn it back: Sure, then, but first whirl your pizza in the blender.

[MichiganChic 3,262]

This discussion is aimed toward people who are several years post op - NOT toward people early in their journey.

Are we relevant anymore to the new people posting?

To answer your question, in a word, yes. I think we are relevant. We have been through it all, learned all the lessons, and do have answers that can only come from experience. I'm not sure what all you are referring to regarding peoples perception about your intentions, but in the three years I've been here, I've seen the boards take on several different personalities. I've seen pure meanness and genuine kindness. It comes and goes in waves, and the drama escalates and recedes. Most people come and go, and a few of us stay. Seems there are not many who have been here longer than three or four years. I think people just move on in most cases, though sometimes I think they leave because of the drama.

I come here to give and receive support. I learn lots of things here, and find answers to things that are on my mind, and things that I never thought of. I like to think that I have something to offer. Sometimes people want to hear it, and sometimes they don't. I am a registered nurse and have spent my life educating people on health issues. While I don't think I have all the answers, I do know a thing or two, and I feel a little obligated to correct misinformation.

When I was new, I learned that it was actually possible to lose ALL your weight. That was something that didn't seem feasible to me, since I had so much to lose. Then, once I achieved that, I realized that real people really did have lots of plastic surgery, and that gave me the courage to follow through. So, I attribute much of my success to the experiences of others. If I can help just one person get through a difficult moment, or if I can help stop the spread of misinformation, or if I can play a small part in someone else's success, then I think I'm relevant.

BTW - I'm about a year behind you, and your stats were so similar to mine, that YOU were my inspiration. So, yeah, you're relevant.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I have read and am thinking about each and every comment - thank you for the perspectives.

Two things:

1- the most important is i never intended my request for the discussion to be targeted to other "veterans" to be hurtful or negative. The specific reason I reached out to that group was because I wasn't seeking a pat on the back, but to seriously ask people who have been around awhile if at some point we "age beyond our prime" so to speak.

I read each comment and message regardless of your "vet" status. What strikes me is that even though my motive was not negative, by making the request it made some people feel apologetic/unwelcome - I am sorry about that. This small observation is classic of what happens on forums isnt it?

2- This discussion has helped me refocus on what is important to me and helps me with a shift in perspective - thank you.

@@MichiganChic and others have described that person who helped you "believe" in trying one more time to slay the obesity dragon. I had those that inspired me; helped me help myself! - and am forever grateful.

It's not that I feel I owe it to anybody to pay it forward - it is more like I feel compelled or motivated from within; I place value on this.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

@@CowgirlJane

You are relevant.

[Elode 8,093]

@@FocusOnMeNow You're doing incredible well! You should be so proud!

[Elode 8,093]

I just love everybody! (That's a lie, most everybody) it cracks me up when I go back and read some of my earliest post. Hair loss questions, freaking out over what to eat, what to buy for post-op, packing for the hospital...ect. And I got plenty of wonderful advice from the "vets". Now one year later I see just how many times these exact same questions pop up almost daily and I think "My lord, They took the time to answer my questions and I KNOW they have answered them more times than any one person should. I appreciate that even more now. So big fat thank you!!! You guys are awesome and not only do I personally want you around I still NEED you! You are appreciated, you are loved! I'm not even going to break into the "The help" lines, but just know I'm thinking them and I will leave this here......

[katesuccess 990]

@@CowgirlJane, you have been more helpful and relevant to me in this process than my doc, nut, and in-person support group all together! Your posts are thoughful and honest, and sometimes I sign on just to read you, @@LipstickLady, and @annvsg. You (and the other vets) have given me hope at times it flagged and great answers when I was baffled--and made me smile or laugh out loud countless times.

I'm still struggling to get to goal, and find your thoughts and experience helpful especially because you are so 'real' about your life and the ups and downs of it--medical issues, kids, dating, age and surgery included.

Alls I can say is THANK YOU!!!!!

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Many of you have reached that maintenance phase which is the last great hurdle, where you are able to live that new way of life the way you are able to breathe, without obsessing over calories vs calories out did you track it today, did you really eat that...yep you did and it was OK.

Lisa, I find this statement darling... I so wish this was my experience... It is a romantic notion to me. For me, maintenance is almost the same as trying to lose weight before surgery..... with a couple of important exceptions. I have managed to change a few habits... 1. I come here to check in with people who will listen and have understanding. (thats you Cowgirl and most other Vets). 2. I made the effort to insert exercise and medical care into my life. 3. WHEN I keep track of how much I eat, when and what I eat and weight myself every day... I usually don't gain. The biggest difference is I have kept off over 65% of my excess weight... which is better than the norm statistically, and would have been impossible before WLS. The Vets who were here when I joined over 5 years ago were the bread and butter (sorry...) of my success. I was addicted to their comments.... I actually started at the very first posts here and read them ALL. (couldn't do that now....). I asked all the beginning questions that I couldn't find the answers for. I come back now for ME and the support I need including staying accountable.... that's why I'm the one who confesses my weakness and details of trials so much! My enemy is time passing without staying conscience of what I'm doing, successful or otherwise.... and paying it forward.... such as it is. I miss my old mentors that are gone. So happy to see them check in now and again.

[wannaBthinsoon 1,634]

This was a heartbreaking thread to me. You are so relevant I can't even begin to explain why I believe that. The fact that newbies have behaved so harshly due to thin skin (or whatever) that the folks with all the experience, and all the knowledge are considering allowing themselves to be pushed out. I need you, vets. I am only 6 months post op, and I have totally enjoyed getting to know all of you, either from my posts or from reading others that you reply to. I also read through the threads of newbies who want to be "assured" that is it "ok" to eat that pizza and ice cream on the way home from the hospital from being freshly sleeved. I am not a vet by any means, but I have to roll my eyes, and at times I have to comment because the questions are (at times) insane to me. You are relevant, and I need you!

[Julie norton 2,850]

Cowgirl,

You can see the WLS community needs you! I always look forward to your thoughtful posts.

I do understand the naivety of some pre op or newly post op asking relatively the same questions ... The pizza or soda at 2 weeks post op doesn't even get a response from me. Many others will chime in.

I sometimes check the length of time some of the posters have been here. It helps me understand where they are in their journey. I'm happy many get the new eating habits...and frustrated others cannot begin to grasp it.

I think veterans have a lot of sage advice.... Though my lap band group is slowly fading... And sleevers seem plentiful.. I always look forward to info, products, advice etc.

Next month will be 9 years for me and although I have a rhythm to my life and eating habits, I am always open to learning more????

Keep on posting veterans .... I believe we need each other!

[Healthy_life2 8,319]

I'm a year and five months. I recently started to relax and except that I'm in maintenance. The reality check I needed was a kick in the head by the vets. I'm so grateful! ( I have learned not to post with no sleep. Its the equivalent of drinking and dialing.)

Vets continue to drop out of my local support group. The direction of the surgeons facilitators revolve around weight loss phase. The community of veterans is relevant. The vets have given me information that my surgeons team had no answers for. Staying connected with the bariatric community keeps me on track. Currently I am mentoring a local woman who is 600 pounds. Paying it forward works for me. It is only for a few locally. I don't feel the need to save anyone. the work is all on them. In bariatricpal there is no possible way to keep up with all the new patients. I see familiar vets. i keep up on your posts. To see the vets disappear from this site would be our loss.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

I didn't doubt any of the long-tenured BP members, but I just hadn't seen any of the nasty replies some new people make. Now that I've gotten one, harrumph. My fan letter probably is milder than others, but all the same, it's understandable that, after a few, one would want to pull back. Too bad there's rarely a way to predict an outcome.

For my first, I"d even asked another member to respond to her, since they have geography in common. She was snippy enough, I thought, for me to then withdraw the request I made on her behalf.

[Andrew0929 1,101]

At almost 2 years out, I am a veteran but not as seasoned as some. I have found the support group offered by my surgeons office to be great for pre-op and newly post-op but lousy for 1 year+, mostly due to lack of participation.

I rely on this site for support and hope we can keep our veterans involved. I know that I appreciated advice given to me earlier in the process by vets and try to pay it forward now.

But, we vets need support too and at this stage I'm finding this site to be my only source. Most of the people I communicated with here pre-op are long gone. It would be great if we could increase the participation of vets.

I miss the camaraderie that existed in our pre-op forum ...