Well after much research and toil - I've been lucky enough to be able to do a cash-pay here in the states! I had made up my mind to go to Mexico. had it all planned out. my dad didn't want me to go. now, i'm 44 years old so i'll go if i want to but i respect my dad and i told him i had to do this so he said to me - do it in the states and i'll give you the money (loan). i was hesitant because my dad is my best friend and i didn't want to put him out just cuz i was fat and undisciplined and wanted this elective procedure but desperation won out and i accepted so he got a loan for me.

i'm using dr soong who i know personally ( i play tennis with his wife) here in las vegas at Surgical Weight Loss Control Center . I'm 44, 5'3 and 230lbs. This is my highest weight. Now just to put it in perspective - I was Ms. Puerto Rico at one point in my life and I have a very LOW opinion of my current self due to this and many other messed up mental factors that women have to deal with in America and especially cities like Vegas (LA, NY, etc). so i literally feel like LESS of a human being becuz i'm fat. i feel like i'm not as respected as a professional nor as a woman. i feel like i'm viewed as undisciplined and gross.

back in the day when i walked into a room. i owned it. now when i walk into a room i just want to hide. i wish i had the means to have done this sooner. im sure i've lost over 2000lbs in my lifetime. always yo-yo dieting. phentermine, starving, tried to purge but it was too hard, medifast, weight watchers, nutrisystem, you name it. i did it. but the weight always came back with a vengeance.

i have several friends (3) that have done this and they say it's the best thing they've ever done. i wish i had had the means to do it before now but i didn't. i'm very excited to share my journey with you all.

Edited September 18, 201510 yr by pr_pitbullgrl

Congratulations on deciding to take such a positive step for your health. You are very lucky to be blessed with a father who is willing and able to help you in your Quest.

I hear so much negative self talk in this post. Since you are experiencing so many self-esteem issues I highly recommend you consider finding a counselor or therapist to help you through this journey. You may also want to consider attending bariatric support group and/or twelve-step meetings like Overeater's Anonymous. As many people find, the surgeon only operates on our stomach, not on our head.

Don't be afraid to ask for help and use every resource and tool available to you so you can be successful.

Best of luck and keep us posted on how you are doing. The folks on BariatricPal are an invaluable source of information, strength, and hope.

Congratulations on your decision, and date! Getting your mind made up, and having a plan of action are not always easy. It is awesome to have your fathers support too. While I have much confidence in surgery options in Mexico I understand making your family comfortable. You won't regret having a close to home surgeon and support. It really is nice if you can swing it.

Thank you. I make good money but I don't have the savings nor the credit to get a loan like this on my own so I am eternally grateful to my dad and will try to pay it off fast.

I would have done Mexico but I didn't want him to worry. Thank you for your support - I am excited and anxious!

I was gorgeous once too. Life happens don't beat yourself up so much.

There is a verse that helps me

Beauty is fading and charm is deceptive but the woman who fears the Lord she shall be praised. Proverbs 31

Life has a way of humbling us. We will lose our weight but we need to remember it's not what's on the outside that counts it's what's on the inside that counts. My mother used to have a saying

" pretty is as pretty does"

i hear ya but living in a city like this ....it's so different here. I think too i just feel "sloppy" like not put together and also i feel like i'm not the best i can be and even I don't respect that.

like it's not really about looks so much as seeming "put together" if that makes sense.

Edited September 18, 201510 yr by pr_pitbullgrl

and you know, since this is my thread, i have to keep it real and say - i've never been one of those people that understood all this "fat pride" crap. why would i love myself like this when everyone else hates me or scorns me (not me per se i'm just saying fat people in general).

not to mention i myself don't like me like this so why would i accept it? if i don't like me like this then it's my job to change it. i have no pregnancies to blame, no health issues, no nothing except i'm lazy and inconsistent and i can't support those deficiencies in myself.

i know everyone is different and has their own story to tell. im just saying - i'm all for beauty is on the inside but if you are pretty and smart and successful - what's wrong with wanting a body to match? i guess that's why i entitled this "ex-beauty queen syndrome" cuz it really does scar you for life.

Edited September 18, 201510 yr by pr_pitbullgrl

One of the benefits of going through this process is learning a great deal about the disease of obesity. It is a disease, not a moral failing or a character flaw. I think that as you learn more, you will gain a new perspective and it may allow you to be kinder to yourself than you are today.

I used to be pretty too. :-/

Don't mind the 2000's style glasses. Lol.

One of the benefits of going through this process is learning a great deal about the disease of obesity. It is a disease, not a moral failing or a character flaw. I think that as you learn more, you will gain a new perspective and it may allow you to be kinder to yourself than you are today.

i appreciate your kind feedback, i just dont see it that way. it's my choice to be this way. if i ate right and exercised i wouldn't be like this. but i'm lazy and i dont wanna so i don't or i don't stick with it. if i had some sort of medical reason why i was fat i'd get it but i don't. im not saying it's this way for everyone. but that's how i feel it is for me. it's my fault. so now i'm going to fix it once and for all.

I completely understand exactly what you are saying!! Of course we all want our body to match how we feel. It's just so not fun to be fat.

I completely understand exactly what you are saying!! Of course we all want our body to match how we feel. It's just so not fun to be fat.

you got that right Helen. It sure isn't.

My post today is about people that either don't get it or don't support us in our Quest for bariatric surgery. I don't want to say skinny people don't get it. But skinny people don't get it. I was talking to 120 pound friend of mine the other day and when I told her my surgery date she said OMG don't you want to wait until after the holidays so at least you can enjoy them?

People that are not overweight or have never had issues with food don't understand that I would rather never eat again or never have an appetite again and then to be controlled by food or make food the focal point of my life. I can enjoy the holidays as I'm losing weight and changing my life. SMH.

Then there are the people that think you should be able to do it on your own. That you're not "that big" that you can't do it on your own. That you are being lazy by having surgery instead of doing it yourself. Yeah that's it I'm just having a major surgical intervention for weight because I have nothing better to do SMH I just made this decision on a whim because I'm a lazy fat f**k SMH really people? This is a big decision it's a big change. When you finally realize you need an additional tool to get you where you need to be and you're willing to do and make sacrifices to do it it should be celebrated not scorned.

I am happier every single day since I have made this decision. I can count 15 maybe 20 times a day where I'm about to have an upsetting or sad thought about myself and my life where this decision has made me happy. That to me is a clear indicator that I'm doing the right thing not that I need anyone else's validation

Edited September 21, 201510 yr by pr_pitbullgrl

Skinny people don't get it but that is okay. You get it! I get it! You are making the decision to choose health over food addiction.

Last night my family went to Ben & Jerry's to get ice cream. I said to myself I had my share of ice cream. Maybe someday I might choose to have some but I am too new at this right now.

This time next year we will be healthier! It's going to be nice to be able to wear cute clOthers again.

Not everyone is going to be supportive and be on our team but we are going to do this without them anyway

No. And you are right. I am happier every single day thinking that by Christmas I will be two months post op and how exciting those possibilities are for me.

I feel like I've been in a prison. A fat prison. And that surgery is someone finally giving me the key and it is now up to me to walk out and walk the walk and talk the talk of a healthy lifestyle. that is now my support system. Me. My desire. My fight. And my will.

WARNING - EXTREME PROFANITY AHEAD:

so my trainer can't train me right now so i say no problem, i'll train myself. i walk into my home gym. like what up. i'm a bad ass. let's do this. i get on the yoga ball to do an exercise my trainer taught me, instead of grabbing the 8lb dumbell i grab the 10lb (cuz im a bad ass now), i plop back on the yoga ball, and cockily throw myself back into "position"....the 10lb weight is too heavy and i destabilize, for some reason my giant ass isnt enough to keep me from falling/rolling off the fucking ball and i fall over onto my side and onto my pile of 15 (extremely hard) dumbbells bruising my whole right side. now i hate everything. i hate my dumbbells, i hate this stupid cunt of a yoga ball, and in fact, this whole room is offensive to me! but i stay anyways and did an angry work out where now all my muscles are shaking and im bruised on one side. first solo work out. FAIL. kinda.