Bulemic state of mind?

laralynn86 · June 20, 2007

I find myself loathe to admit this out-loud or put it in writing or whatever, but here goes:

The thought that runs through my mind when I PB is "good, that's fewer calories in me."

I don't often PB from eating too much - I do, however, PB from eating too fast regularly. I PB really easily, I can just kind of flex my esophogus (I don't know how else to describe it) and it just slowly slides back out. Rarely do I actually PB with any force like throwing up. And I don't think I really PB intentionally, like I don't do it so I can eat more, I just don't really mind it cause I'd rather have the calories not in me (though I guess I like that I got to enjoy eating the food, but don't have to be responsible for the calories).

On Sunday night I ate salmon, then went and PBd, then came back and ate more salmon, and ate more than I should have. I was full at the time of the first PB. This situation is rare for me though, it's usually just the first few bites that cause me to PB cause I can't seem to remember to go slow until I get the terrible chest pain, but then I can PB fairly quickly, and then I feel fine and can keep eating.

I ate two bites of orange chicken (from Panda Express) on Saturday, and was glad when I PBd - I knew I shouldn't have eaten it in the first place, so I was glad it didn't stay in me.

This next part is going to sound even stupider than the first part - before the band I was not bulemic, but I always had this desire to be able to make myself throw up. I tried a few times, but I hated to throw up so much I couldn't do it. I always felt that if I had more self control I could make myself throw up even though I didn't like it (I should have been looking for the self control to stop eating, not to be able to throw up). I used to drink a lot, and when we drank a lot we ate a lot, and I could throw up when I drank. It was more acceptable because people chalked it up to just drinking too much, and it didn't bother me because ... well, because I was drunk and could make myself throw up much easier.

I know all the medical reasons why it's unhealthy to PB. I know how dangerous it is to my band. I know that it will greatly lead to having to have the band removed. Logically, I know all this. But yet, I'm happy when my I get rid of any excess calories. Even if I only eat 800 calories in a day - if I PB 200 of them, that's all the more weight loss.

juliegeraci · June 21, 2007

Laralynn, I don't mind when I PB either. It makes me more secure that the band is actually working.

nicknack34461 · June 21, 2007

laralynn, I know just how you feel because i am the same way it was like reading my own exact story word for word i thought i probally was the only one

emmadowdy86 · June 21, 2007

I understand totally and I know its wrong but yet it is so easy and this way we are not actually bulemic its surgically that way (sounds stupid I know). The only difference with me is that once I PB its over with me I won't eat anything else for like 3 or 4 hrs. It has also become to easy for me to throw up and I am going to keep on till I ruin my gag reflex. Its just to easy.

Sweety · June 21, 2007

laralynn,

i Know That You Are Smart Enough To Know That What You Are Doing Is Not Healthy. I Know Because I Was The Same Way. I Have Not Yet Been Banded, But I Did This To Myself For Months. I Am Glad You Posted This Because I Would Have Never Admitted To This. I Would Make Myself Throwup After Eating To Much Of Something I Should Never Have Eaten In The First Place. I Would Eat It Knowing That I Would Get Rid Of It After A While. I Felt Sooo Good Afterward Because I Knew It Was No Longer In My Body. After A Couple Of Hours I Would Eat Again, But In Moderation. I Always Thought To Myself If It Isn't In My Body I Won't Gain Weight. I Started To Research Lapband Surgery And Once The Ball Got Rollin I Decided That I Was Not Going To Live Like That Anymore. I Decided That I Was Going To Have The Surgery And That I Didn't Want To Do Anything That Might Hurt My Chances Of Having Surgery. I Knew All Along That What I Was Doing Was Not Right. Now, I Eat In Moderation And I Never Eat Enough To Fill Me Up, Just To Satisfy Me Because I Don't Want To Have The Negative Thoughts Of What I Have Put In My Body. I Know With The Help Of The Band I Will Never Do That To Myself Again. Please Don't Think That What You Are Doing Is Okay Because It's Not. There Are So Many Things That Can Go Wrong With Your Body Because Of Unhealthy Eating Habits. Please Be Careful And Quit Doing This To Your Body.

laralynn86 · June 21, 2007

I understand totally and I know its wrong but yet it is so easy and this way we are not actually bulemic its surgically that way (sounds stupid I know). The only difference with me is that once I PB its over with me I won't eat anything else for like 3 or 4 hrs. It has also become to easy for me to throw up and I am going to keep on till I ruin my gag reflex. Its just to easy.

You hit it exactly, Emma. This way we're not actually bulemic cause it's surgical - it makes it acceptable.

I didn't PB once today. Yea for me!

gibby1227 · June 22, 2007

What is wrong with you people, you gave up one addiction for another, do you not understand what you are doing is wrong and dangerous. Please stop and go talk to someone about this, I'm worried for all of you that are doing it. I'm newly banded and please tell me that this is not common, because if it is I would rather be FAT!

Paulax · June 22, 2007

I think it is good to talk about, so good for you all for outing yourselves

First of all, I think we ALL experience pbing at some time. I will pb, if I eat too much, or too fast, or the wrong food.

I would like to ask Dr C what the possible complications are from pbing often or habitually. But I do know that it is not good, and aside from the odd pb, it should be avoided at all costs.

I am just guessing here, but I think that ultimately you risk losing your band, due to complications. Slipped band come to mind, esophegeal herniation comes to mind. I am hoping Dr C comes in here and clarifies.

So no guilt, but do educate yourselves, and treat yourselves and your band with respect.

cyndilou29 · June 23, 2007

No, no, no, it's NOT alright because it is surgical. PLEASE go talk to someone. Call your surgeon, see a therapist, go to lapband group, anything. Please don't keep doing this. You have an eating disorder. Those words get thrown around but that is what is going on.

I was bulimic as a teenager and you are feeling the same things I felt, saying the same things I said and doing the same things I did. The only difference is you are justifying it with the band. Please call your surgeon and tell him what you're doing and see if he/she can help you. Don't transfer your addiction to eating to an addiction to PBing.

I don't mean to sound alarmist but this is really serious and I want you to understand what you are doing is unhealthy physically and emotionally. You have to get some help to stop this.

If you want to send me a private message, please do. I'll do what I can to help, just please don't fall into this incredibly unhealthy pattern. Stop it while you still can

donnafhaas · June 25, 2007

You know I'm sure I will be stoned for saying this..... But here it goes. I did this for awhile. I was way too tight. I kept throwing up almost everything I ate. I lost a ton of weight. I'm down almost 100lbs. I weighed 160 lbs. Well I went to get some saline taken out because it was killing my health. I was dizzy all the time and had head aches everyday. I had 1 cc taken out about 6 weeks ago. Well as you can guess I began to over eat again. I put on 10 lbs. So needless to say I'm making another appointment to get more put in. And what is so crazy is that I have been exercising like 3 times a week. This consists of riding my bike 5 miles. My clothes still fit right. Everyone tells me its probably muscle gain and Water weight. I dont care though.. I'm getting back on the PB train.

laralynn86 · June 25, 2007

I had hesitations about even starting this thread for fear of the terrible lectures or general hatred that may be directed this way, but that's also kind of why I posted. And there's been no hatred really, just understandable lectures.

I honestly don't even PB that much. I PBd a bit on imitation crab meat last night, but it was the first time in a few days. As much as anything, it's the fact that I feel good - or I feel accomplished after I pb. That's where the state of mind title comes from. I find concern in the fact that I feel better mentally when I rid my body of food. I don't think I have an eating disorder, but I think I can understand where it comes from. I think this good feeling after purging myself of food could be all-consuming.

However, it's not worth losing either my hair or my band. I eat healthy, I don't intentionally PB or intentionally eat until I PB. I don't enjoy PBing because it hurts and seems unhealthy. But then there's the mental thing. The part that wants it all gone. The part that does like it. That's all I was saying.

outdoorfriends · June 25, 2007

Okay...I know its only been 3 months, but I've never PB'd. I had to look it up the other day to know what everyone was talking about. What I am concerned with though is I seem to eat more than what a lot of you say you are eating. I can eat a whole hamburger, bun and all if its well toasted. That's a homemade burger. It may take an hour, but I can eat it with no problems. I keep wondering if I'm eating too much. But I've lost 53.5lbs so I think maybe I'm okay. Then I wonder if I'm stretching out my stomach somehow. I don't want to PB, but I don't want to do other damage either.

outdoorfriends · June 25, 2007

Oh yeah...I've only had 2 fills. The first was 1.5 cc's and the second was another 1.0 cc's for a total of 2.5cc's. Will I have more restriction later?

Marimaru · June 25, 2007

Donna,

You gained 10 lbs quickly, and you probably aren't eating all that much. Gaining a pound of 'extra' weight requires eating an EXCESS of 3500 calories. You'd have to eat 35000 extra calories to gain 10 lbs of 'extra' weight. When you aren't getting the nutrition you need, you get dehydrated, and your muscles atrophy. It IS Water and muscle weight, and I hope you'll reconsider. Every time you get an unfill and start eating more, you are going to put on weight like this, and it's not a good pattern. I hope you will talk to your doctor about your thoughts when you go in for your appointment.

laralynn86 · June 26, 2007

Sue,

I hadn't ever PBd until after my second fill. I think I also have 2.5 cc's in a 9 cc band, but I'm not sure. I used to know, but I didn't right it down so I've forgotten.

If you take an hour to eat a hamburger, that's probably why you don't PB. I only do it when I eat too fast. And there are certain things that cause me to do it more than others. I really like imitation crab meat, but it makes me PB quite often. As does chicken, and steak. Most meats, I guess. I've PBd on cottage cheese, but only because I was talking and not concentrating on chewing.

Have you ever had the pain? As I mentioned before, when I feel the pain I can just kind of flex my esophogus and get rid of the food.

I wouldn't be concerned about not PBing. I'm sure you'll get your chance sooner or later. Strangely, I can eat "bad" foods - i.e. chips or rice krispy treats - and not PB. But meat I have issues with. I PBd just a little on the salmon I ate tonight, so I decided I was done and put the rest away. This is what I should do, but more often I have the habit of waiting for the pain to subside, then continuing my meal (though quite often I PB on the first bite or two, so if I always put it away, I'd never eat a thing.)

And Donna, I totally understand where you're coming from (oh what I'd give to be down 100 lbs), but I think Sarah makes a darn good point. It's not really mathmatically possible for you to have gained the extra weight based on what you're eating. Slow down, give it a few more weeks. You need the nutrition and to not be light headed all the time. Getting that extra food/nutrition may be scary, but it's not going to make you start piling on the pounds. Keep yourself healthy (skinny, but healthy).