Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

My Partner says "you took the easy way"



Recommended Posts

This week I almost did something really really stupid.

6 months ago I left my partner of 7 years and the father of my two children. He was verbally abusive to me our whole relationship. He used to tell me I was fat at 150 pounds. His nickname for me was buffolo and he told me things like I embarrassed him, I discussed him, I was lazy, incompetent, a gluttonous pig, just couldn't shut my mouth and didn't want to work hard at anything.

While we were together I had two children, three pregnancies, started a successful business, made friends and made a life for myself. I tried so many times to lose weight only to fail and many times he would sabatoge me. I was supposed to lose weight as long as I still cooked him amazing dinners, brought home ice cream and Cookies, didn't talk about it too much, and hit the gym every day at the time that worked best for him such as 5 in the morning so I was back in time to give him a blow job and get the kids ready.

I needed to have sex with him every day. He used to say he would "fuck the fat off me". He said if I gave out more I would lose weight. I was supposed to be all about sex while also taking daily insults towards my looks.

This went on for years and my weight steadily climbed from 140 to 240. I tried working out, Jenny Craig, personal trainers, juice fasting, phentermine, a month of eating disorder therapy and much more.

In eating disorder therapy they told me that I really didn't need to lose weight at all. I was about 180 pounds then and they were right. My health was good and I felt good. They preached self love and moderation, staying away from diets and working out for weightloss alone because it was causing me to gain weight and killing my self esteem. My partner made me leave therapy early, refused to attend with me and basically dismissed it because they weren't talking me into losing weight.

I became very depressed. I ate out of anger and resentment towards him a lot. I didn't want to lose weight and make him happy. I felt horrible. I stayed a long time for my kids but it was killing me.

I asked him last year how he felt about me having rny. He said if I did he would leave me because it was cheating, taking the easy way out and just another sign of my laziness. My lack of wanting to work hard for something or ability to take responsibility.

Well it's been 6 months and he has never stopped trying to get back together with me. I guess just in the happy state I am in I started to forget how bad things were or maybe it almost seemed impossible how he could have been so awful. I started to wonder how much was my fault because I was depressed about my weight. Maybe he acted that way because of how I was? Depressed and eating all the time....

I decided I would agree to go to counseling. I let him get closer to me and be back in my life a bit. I even told him about the surgery.

He acted fine about it until---- whoa. Wow. True colors come out. He started to show himself. He said he thinks it was "taking the easy way out " but that isn't even as bad as he said- "I know what you did. You planned this for a long time. You decided ages ago you would have the surgery and so you just ate whatever you wanted to get fat enough to have the surgery, basically you knew you could pig out and then you would just use the surgery to fix it. "

Oh man oh man. I can't believe what a huge mistake I almost made. Who says that to someone who had to have surgery to correct their weight? Using this as a way to hurt me. I mean I didn't even plan on having this surgery until October of last year. I was a few pounds short of 40 BMI but I would never gain a ton of weight to qualify!! I couldn't even gain the couple pounds I needed and ended up drinking tons of Water before my weigh in and then some! I barely passed only to find out I qualified for Comorbids anyway as I had liver disease.

He thinks I just sat around flippantly eating ice cream and donuts saying to myself who cares the surgery will fix this anyway. Like I had liposuction or something!! So ignorant.

I have given up my freedom to eat for life because it meant so much to me to be healthy for myself and my kids. I'll never completely be free of having to manage my weight. He thinks I am so superficial that this was just a fun little game for me. I just took the easy way because I am lazy like all fat people, we are just lazy pigs who can't close our mouths.

All I know is the whole time we were together that's the way he made me feel. He is like a walking eating disorder. He actually thinks weight loss is all about diet and exercise and anyone can do it. So easy. And guess what? He is overweight himself!!!

I am just shocked at myself. I can't believe how close I came. I can't believe I let myself get fooled and hurt by this person again.

Never never never again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Congrats on freeing yourself from such a horrible abusive relationship. My sister was in a marriage similar to your own and after putting up with his horrible behavior for 20 years, he announced one day that he was leaving her for another woman. I told my sister that it was probably the best thing to have ever happened to her. It took her a few years to come to the same realization as she had very low self esteem. But once she started to come out of her shell she never looked back again. Today she happily remarried, independent, and and strong.

You deserve that same kind of transformation and I hope you get it. Just remember that you were never the problem. It's him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am a musical person. I relate everything to music :-) Including a very recent bad choice of mine. Long story short, it involved me allowing someone to fool me for over a year. After 2 months my head is almost clear of the mental abuse and power he had over me. Anyways, this song came to mind reading the closing of your post. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM

Edited by onmywaytobeingfound

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It happens. Focus on the new you. Don't look back. You still have an amazing journey ahead of you. You don't need his baggage. He is the one with the issues. Good luck!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You do not need someone as abusive as that guy in your life. Run and never look back!

I used to have someone in my life that was toxic to both me and our children. It took me 6 years but I finally figured out how to get away from him. I remarried almost 28 years ago and I thank god everyday for my supportive spouse.

Even my kids have nothing to do with him, they call him the sperm donor!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am a musical person. I relate everything to music :-) Including a very recent bad choice of mine. Long story short, it involved me allowing someone to fool me for over a year. After 2 months my head is almost clear of the mental abuse and power he had over me. Anyways, this song came to mind reading the closing of your post. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM

Your right that song is perfect thank you!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@@bellabloom, All I can say is WOW, I have to say I sort of know how you feel, cause it may not have been my partner who used to say these things to me but my father used to say things about my weight and stuff like that to me, he started talking to my mom like that first, then as I grew older, and started putting on the weight too he would do it to me. I haven't been under 200 lbs since I was in 8th grade, and I have always played sports and worked out, and ate healthy, but I have a very under-active thyroid which made it very hard for me to loose weight like people with normal thyroids. It saddens me that people can be so hypocritical about this surgery, because it is the exact opposite to the easy way out. You have to give up so much more than just food when you decide to do this. Not only do you have to stop eating most of the foods you are so accustomed to but you have to learn a whole new way of eating and making sure you get in the right amounts of Vitamins and everything. I am very proud of you for finally putting your foot down for yourself and not letting him bring you down anymore. He doesn't deserve you, as you deserve someone who is going to be there for you and be strong for you through all that you are and will go through with this surgery. I feel sorry for him and who he is. As you said too he is overweight himself, so he should be put in front of a mirror and someone should tell him not to throw stones. That is just disgusting. I am sorry you went through that in your life, but It sounds like it has made you a stronger person, and a better person for it. Good luck and be happy!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Trending Products

  • Trending Topics

  • Recent Status Updates

    • Prdgrdma

      So I guess after gastric bypass surgery, I cant eat flock chips because they are fried???  They sell them on here so I thought I could have them. So high in protein and no carbs.  They don't bother me at all.  Help. 
      · 1 reply
      1. NickelChip

        It's possible for a very high fat meal to cause dumping in some (30% or so) gastric bypass patients, although it's more likely to be triggered by high sugar, or by the high fat/high sugar combo (think ice cream, donuts). Dietitians will tell you to never do anything that isn't 100% healthy ever again. Realistically, you should aim for a good balance of protein, carbs, and fat each day. Should you eat fried foods every day? No. Is it possible they will make you sick? Maybe. Is it okay to eat some to see what happens and have them for a treat every now and again? Yes.

    • NovelTee

      I'm not at all hungry on this liquid pre-op diet, but I miss the sensation of chewing. It's been about two weeks––surgery is in two days––and I can't imagine how I'll feel a couple of weeks post-op. Tonight, I randomly stumbled upon a mukbang channel on YouTube, and it was strangely soothing... is it just me, or is this a thing? 
      · 1 reply
      1. NickelChip

        I actually watched cooking shows during my pre-op, like Great British Baking Show. It was a little bizarre, but didn't make me hungry. I think it was also soothing in a way.

    • Clueless_girl

      How do you figure out what your ideal weight should be? I've had a figure in my head for years, but after 3 mths of recovery I'm already almost there. So maybe my goal should be lower?
      · 3 replies
      1. NickelChip

        Well, there is actually a formula for "Ideal Body Weight" and you can use a calculator to figure it out for you. This one also does an adjusted weight for a person who starts out overweight or obese. https://www.mdcalc.com/calc/68/ideal-body-weight-adjusted-body-weight

        I would use that as a starting point, and then just see how you feel as you lose. How you look and feel is more important than a number.

      2. Clueless_girl

        I did find different calculators but I couldn't find any that accounted for body frame. But you're right, it is just a number. It was just disheartening to see that although I lost 60% of my excess weight, it's still not in the "normal/healthy" range..

      3. NickelChip

        I think it's important to remember that the weight charts and BMI ranges were developed a very long time ago and only intended to be applied to people who have never been overweight or obese. Those numbers aren't for us. When you are larger, especially for a long time, your body develops extra bone to support the weight. Your organs get a little bigger to handle the extra mass. Your entire infrastructure increases so you can support and function with the extra weight. That doesn't all go away just because you burn off the excess fat. If you still had a pair of jeans from your skinniest point in life and then lost weight to get to the exact number on the scale you were when those jeans fit you, chances are they would be a little baggy now because you would actually be thinner than you were, even though the scale and the BMI chart disagree. When in doubt, listen to the jeans, not the scale!

    • Aunty Mamo

      Tomorrow marks two weeks since surgery day and while I'm feeling remarkably well and going about just about every normal activity, I did wind up with a surface abscess on on of my incision sights and was put on an antibiotic that made me so impacted that it took me more than two hours to eliminate yesterday and scared the hell out of me. Now there's Miralax in all my beverages that aren't Smooth Move tea. I cannot experience that again. I shouldn't have to take Ativan to go to the lady's. I really looking forward to my body getting with the program again. 
      I'm in day three of the "puree" stage of eating and despite the strange textures, all of the savory flavors seem decadent. 
      I timed this surgery so that I'd be recovering during my spring break. That was a good plan. Today is a state holiday and the final day of break. I feel really strong to return to school tomorrow. 
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • BeanitoDiego

      Now that I'm in maintenance mode, I'm getting a into a routine for my meals. Every day, I start out with 8-16 ounces of water, and then a proffee, which I have come to look forward to even the night before. My proffees are simply a black coffee with a protein powder added. There are three products that I cycle through: Premier Vanilla, Orgain Vanilla, and Dymatize Vanilla.
      For second breakfast on workdays, I will have a low-fat yogurt with two tablespoons of PBFit and two teaspoons of no sugar added dried cherries. I will have ingested 35-45 grams of protein at this point between the two breakfasts, with 250-285 calories, and about 20 carbs.
      For second breakfast on non-workdays, I will prepare two servings of plain, instant oatmeal with a tablespoon of an olive oil-based spread. This means I will have had 34 grams of protein, 365 calories, and 38 carbs. Non-workdays are when I am being very active with training sessions, so I allow myself more carbohydrate fuel.
      Snacks on any day are always mixed nuts, even when I am travelling. I will have 0.2 cups of a blend that I make myself. It consists of dry roasted peanuts, cashews, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, pistachios, and Brazil nuts. This is 5 grams of protein, 163 calories, and 7 carbs.
      Breakfast and snacks have been the easiest to nail down. Lunch and dinner have more variables, and I prepare enough for leftovers. I concentrate on protein first, and then add vegetables. Typically tempeh, tofu, or Field Roast products with roasted or sautéed vegetables. Today, I will be eating leftovers from last night. Two ounces of tempeh with four ounces of roasted vegetables that consist of red and yellow sweet peppers, sweet potatoes, small purple potatoes, zucchini, and carrots. I will add a tablespoon of olive oil-based spread, break up 3 walnuts to sprinkle of top, and garnish with two tablespoons of grated Parmesan cheese. This particular meal will be 19 grams of protein, 377 calories, and 28 grams of carbs. Bear in mind that I do eat more carbs when I am not working, and I focus on ingesting healthy carbs instead of breads/crackers/chips/crisps.
      It's a helluva journey and I'm thankful to be on it!
       
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
  • Recent Topics

  • Hot Products

  • Sign Up For
    Our Newsletter

    Follow us for the latest news
    and special product offers!
  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs

    PatchAid Vitamin Patches

    ×