When you can't even be honest with yourself

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I agree @jersrose43. I've never advocated making up a story about a fake surgery or any other falsehood. What's getting me ruffled is the idea that simply keeping the matter private is also a "lie".

I feel the most for the newbies who are struggling with this decision and who are reading this. Why should they feel shamed into telling something they may not want to disclose? How dare ANYONE try to talk their right to privacy away?

Funny thing about keeping a secret. Once you tell, you can't take it back if you discover that telling was a bad idea. You can always tell later if you choose to keep it private now. Funny that.

[teacherlady2133 258]

This is a FABULOUS thread. I love reading all the different responses, the thought processes, and the outcomes.

I too live in a smaller community. I "got" pregnant with twin girls when I was 15 and delivered when I was 16. For years it felt like everyone in town knew my business before I did and it made me a little wary of sharing anything that had the potential to hurt me... I'm an extrovert so people assumed that since I'm friendly and "open" that they knew the whole story and whatever was shared at church, in the community, or from my own lips was pretty much all that was going on in my life.

About 7 years ago I went through one of those life changing series of events that good memoirs are written about and my life radically changed. I moved to another state and had some really real life experiences and then a year later moved back home. When I came back, everyone knew things were different. At first I was really closed off, I fed people information here and there but no one knew what exactly happened from start to finish. Until I started teaching a girls youth group. About half way through the year we had a lock-in and I decided to share some of my experiences. And when I prayed for courage to tell my story that I KNEW would impact these young ladies, I felt like I needed to start my talk off with something I never dreamed of saying: "This is MY story. I'm choosing to share it with YOU because I care about you. Please don't tell my story for me. If you think someone in your life needs to hear my story, tell them to talk to me or me to talk to them."

Months afterwords I realized how drastically things had changed. Some people knew my story and it wasn't spread around town. I think that by giving my story value and asking other people to respect that value, it kept it from being common gossip. As I get ready for my WLS, I am seeing over again that if I think this process is a valuable teaching tool and I communicate that to others when I share, they will respect my wish to let me tell my own story. Also, I noticed that many of the girls I shared my story with felt special, that I would share something so personal with them and trust them to handle it with dignity.

Anyway, I know that was lengthy but maybe it helped someone.

I loved what you said about it being "your story" I think many of us have had others around us tell "our story" and found out others versions can be hurtful.

I have even been threaten to tell my story or they will.(thinking they were helping and supporting a wonderful change in my life) that is the key my life.

[teacherlady2133 258]

I can say I like this thread. Not only on the fact of hearing what others think, but it makes me self reflect why I chose to tell or not tell. It is easy to blame others and people around me why I did or didn't tell but the truth is it was about me. It was about the shame not so much of having the surgery but needing the surgery. That is a personal issue of my own guilt.

I think we have to remember just like other things shouldn't define us WLS shouldn't either.

I an not a WLS person but a person who had WLS. That is only part of my life. I have other characters, qualities and traits. This world loves to label people and try to define others by these labels.

I still do not see a problem with saying I changed from diet and exercise first! Those changes were harder than the surgery. I want credit for the hard work I do everyday.

I do not condone people tricking others into believing something that isn't true, but I have always believed what and where people take the truth is on them. It isn't my job to control other peoples thoughts or ideas on a topic.

I think this topic does bring up a topic people don't want to talk about and that is "shame".

Where did it come from? How do each one of us react to it? Not just shame of surgery, but other choices we make too.

[Jim1967 3,569]

I told everyone from the beginning. Well actually I told my Mom and she told the rest of the family but everyone else heard it from me. Even my Barber knew the week before my surgery day and every six to eight weeks I would be asked about my weight loss progress. I had a lot of weight to lose and my biggest fear was failing. I had reservations about telling people because I was afraid of being the fat guy who couldn't even lose weight with WLS.

I will admit throughout my journey (which has no end) there have been many times that I wish I hadn't told people. Same old questions over and over and over gets very redundant. You know which ones I am talking about "Oh how much weight did you lose this week" or "how much weight have you lost" or "how much do you weigh now".

I am very open book but I tire easily from being asked those type of questions. Ask me about the procedure. Ask me about the lifestyle change. Ask me about the process and how long it took and what my challenges were/are. Those questions come up every once in a while but not very often unless I was in an actual support meeting environment.

Nope it's all about weight.....physical outcome....again tiresome. Still flattering and I would be lying if I said otherwise but still quite tiresome.

I come on to this board with hopes of helping others the same way the people before me had helped me. I have to admit I am not as active as I once was because I get even more tired of the band versus sleeve versus bypass arguments.

[crystalsleeve 36]

For me I decided that in order for me to be successful it is necessary for me to be honest. That includes everything. I am now vocalizing my concerns, struggles, anxiety, happiness, everything. I want to be more accountable to myself and support myself. I need to be proud of my decisions and that means not hiding any more. Telling someone what's going on with me is not about them it's about me. I am speaking out in support of myself instead of hiding myself as I have in the past.

[Kindle 8,667]

Jim1967...I felt the same way at the "highlight" of my weight loss. For about 5-6 months I was being asked about my weight loss every single day from clients and friends that were seeing me for the first time since surgery. The same questions over and over got old (not unlike the "stall" questions on here ). But I'm now seeing fewer and fewer people for the first time post-WLS, so the questions and comments have slowed down. Now my surgery is mostly just old news and we all have other things to talk about.

[gowalking 10,790]

I come on to this board with hopes of helping others the same way the people before me had helped me. I have to admit I am not as active as I once was because I get even more tired of the band versus sleeve versus bypass arguments.

Jim...I know these and other types of threads are annoying but please stick around. When I was new to this process and fortunate enough to have stumbled onto this forum, it was mostly you, Missy, and CG who I followed because you all were successful and what you wrote made sense to me. I never meant to stay on this site so long but I truly feel that it helps me as much as it helps others. And now I am like you guys...once morbidly obese and now living life like everyone else in the sense that nothing holds me back anymore. Not my size, and not my mobility. I think about that whenever I get frustrated and it reminds me why I'm here. Thanks for all you've done for me. Liz.

[Ginger Snaps 1,323]

@@Kindle -- Great topic!

I chose not to tell a lot of people before because I didn't want to hear stories about their neighbor's brother's best friend's sister who died during surgery or gained it all back. I did my own research and made the decision best for me and didn't want my decision to be by popular vote.

Since surgery, I tell most people that ask. I actually had 3 different people in the office yesterday come up and say "You look great... how much weight have you lost? What are you doing?" If they act sincerely interested, I tell them I had surgery, I'm eating low carb/high Protein and I'm exercising like crazy. I especially tell people if they are overweight because like some of the other posters here, I want them to know I didn't just do it by willpower -- I needed help.

I agree with all the comments about stigma. I also suffer from depression and a mood disorder and I am pretty forthright about that, too. I feel like people suffering with "shameful" diseases like obesity or mental illness feel like they are all alone and I want to offer them encouragement and hope that there are solutions and they are NOT alone.

[soundlogik 28]

I think the stigma that comes with being overweight is the reason some people choose not to tell. The public at large (read: skinny bitches) don't accept that obesity is a disease like any other and that WLS is a treatment like any other. People who are ignorant of what WLS is really about think it is the "easy way out", those of us who have gone through it know that that is bullshit, it's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life (and I am only 8 days out). I don't blame some people for not wanting to admit to their WLS, it is their choice and if it allows them to avoid negative comments and the damn "life coaching" that people try to give you on a daily basis then being private about it is fine. I think if people ask how I am loosing weight I will always tell them that I had WLS, I am not ashamed of the choice I made and I am a pretty forward person so I'm not shy to tell the more moronic ones to shove it. I think that once we can educate people about obesity and they understand that a lot of us are big ol' fatties because we are sick and not because we are lazy or pigs, but that we are addicted or trapped in a cycle it will be a lot easier to talk about WLS openly with everyone.

[Jim1967 3,569]

@@Kindle -- Great topic!

I chose not to tell a lot of people before because I didn't want to hear stories about their neighbor's brother's best friend's sister who died during surgery or gained it all back. I did my own research and made the decision best for me and didn't want my decision to be by popular vote.

Since surgery, I tell most people that ask. I actually had 3 different people in the office yesterday come up and say "You look great... how much weight have you lost? What are you doing?" If they act sincerely interested, I tell them I had surgery, I'm eating low carb/high Protein and I'm exercising like crazy. I especially tell people if they are overweight because like some of the other posters here, I want them to know I didn't just do it by willpower -- I needed help.

I agree with all the comments about stigma. I also suffer from depression and a mood disorder and I am pretty forthright about that, too. I feel like people suffering with "shameful" diseases like obesity or mental illness feel like they are all alone and I want to offer them encouragement and hope that there are solutions and they are NOT alone.

Ginger, If I could like this post more than once then I certainly would. You have hit the nail on the head exactly. I will talk to anyone about my WLS experiences and more importantly those who are genuinely interested and those who need to know they're not alone and they don't have to live life with limits because of weight issues. When I was at my lowest point I had moments of not caring much about life but rather going through the paces of making it through another day. Scary times indeed....

[Jim1967 3,569]

I think the stigma that comes with being overweight is the reason some people choose not to tell. The public at large (read: skinny b*****s) don't accept that obesity is a disease like any other

It has been said many times but... Obesity is the last acceptable form of prejudice.

[yungshi 58]

Ok so I've been watching this thread and I just feel that if you're going to state your opinion, beliefs, whatever...do it in a respectable manner. Calling other's decisions "BS" is not respectable at all.

I agree, there are some people out there who are more open than others...I'm not that type of person.

I like to keep my business to myself, BUT if I see someone who can benefit from my story, I'll tell it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'll let them know. But I'm not just gonna be an open book to anyone who wants to read me.

I come from a pretty large family...literally. And I feel as though they wouldn't be as supportive as they should because they'll feel like I'm better than them in a sense. And it's not that at all, I just want to make myself healthier and happier.

So for that reason, I have only told a select few about my surgery.

And if I see someone in my family who would really benefit from my story, I would tell them.

So no I'm not ashamed that I'm having this surgery, I'm more excited than anything. I'm just cautious of who I tell because I don't want to hear the backlash.

[MJ-SHE-BEAST 9]

I am always open, even if the problem is of a more personal nature like urinary incontinence. I believe in demystifying and taking the fear out of things that people see as too personal to share, if I think it will help another. I actually got a woman convinced to have WLS when I tearfully shared with her how happy I was when I could finally wipe myself clean after using the bathroom, thanks to the weight I had lost. I had no clue she was dealing with the same issue. TMI? In my opinion there is no such thing if what you are sharing is for the benefit and education of others. Our voices have been self-stifled for way too long. Had we been more vocal, perhaps insurance companies would have been more receptive to paying for the surgeries that many of us had to finance in order to save our own lives.

On another note, I think is is kind of crappy that someone I know who has lost 170 pounds has people convinced she is some kind of amazing because she only attributes her transformation to diet and mega exercise. She's even started health forums and has quite a following. The truth? Gastric bypass 11 years ago. Will I call her out on it? No. She told me in confidence (after I saw her scars by accident) and it's not in my nature to be cruel. It makes me angry and I've lost respect for her because she could be giving hope to so many who will never lose and be healthy any other way than by WLS. But, we all can only be who we are, I guess.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Well, the good news is, it is a temporary problem. I have been at goal for awhile and people don't seem to remember I was obese. When old pics are pulled out, even my own adult kids don't recognie me!

Whatever you tell others, i do think self honesty is important. When I had the lapband I kept it a secret (well so i thought) and i rationalized it as "not being REAL bariatric surgery. Like I wasn't REALLY obese, just overweight - ha.

I told my partner and my sister. About a year post op I over heard my sister at a big campout telling a whole group of her friends about my surgery in a very disapproving tone. Clearly my "private" approach didn't work and I trusted her completely with that info, I just didn't realize she was bitter and jealous about it and had a good laugh at my expense when i failed miserably.

However, 10 years later, with the sleeve I told everyone in my life. Heck, it was life or death... I was becoming disabled. People cheered for me!

[Len657 15]

1. I am 8 months out and have lost 125lbs and I am proud of that. I do share my WLS with family and close friends I do not get on Social media and do not feel it is my responsibility to go forth and announce it to the world. Trying to change others minds about this is like pissing in a fan. If others want to be spokes people by all means have at it. I am not willing to jump on the Band Wagon. I also think we have HIPPA for a reason it is nobodies business but mine and my families. Yet at the same time I do speak at the informational and pre-op Support group I go to. I do like to encourage others but if someone is coming at me with a closed mind, well I just do not have the time or energy to deal with that negativity. To some it will always be a lack of discipline never a medical condition no matter what you or I say.