I was looking over an old thread from March about whether or not we consider ourselves food addicts, and why. Although I didn't sense it so much in this thread, I have kind of felt that other threads imply that if you do not identify with this label, you are probably in denial. But my question is, what exactly are we in denial from? I have a thousand thoughts spinning around right now and some are contradictory. Bear with me.

For myself, I think the jury is kind of out. I do NOT identify with the addict label at this point; nor can I truly say that all of my obesity has to do with medical issues (although clearly some of the problems lie there.) What is my barometer for this? Simply put, I live with someone who has a great deal of disordered behavior around eating, and I do not. Granted, this may sound like the inmates running the asylum, but my "proof" of this is that I don't have uncontrollable urges around foods; currently I have Halloween and Christmas candy hidden away from my husband and kids until I can take it to work but to me it is completely "out of sight/out of mind." Even if it was sitting on the counter, I probably wouldn't touch more than a piece or two, if that. There are foods that I could eat more of if they were in front of me; of course I was obese enough to qualify for this surgery. But I think in my case it was a combination of poor habits, metabolism, and a switch from working downtown to working at home and sitting/driving a lot more. Like anyone who has been on one spillion diets, I knew exactly what I should eat to lose weight. And the advice that I followed, when I chose to, was the high Protein, lower carb (focusing on veg and fruit.) It was very hard for me to sustain. The less I was motivated, the "hungrier" I felt. "Today for a change I'll order a cheeseburger; lots of protein in that after all" became more habitual behavior than unusual. I am sure also that my evening glasses of wine and snacking added up to way more than I ever believed. Oh, I had quite a few days of reasonable eating, just not enough to offset the unreasonable days. You're not supposed to have one or two days of clean eating followed by five cheat days. (FYI. If you were interested.) Just 10 weeks of tracking everything has shown me that pretty clearly. So, the tracking and the restriction have helped me immensely. I mean, did I ever really let myself think about the fact that 2 margaritas equalled about 800-900 calories? I didn't think they were good for me, although I'm sure I touted their scurvy-preventing benefits at some points. And the sugar…oy.

So while I am working through WHY I could get to this point, I think it's very important to strive to understand myself now while I am in the honeymoon phase so that I do not go back. And I ran across this article about how well we know ourselves and if others can judge us better than we judge ourselves. Psychology Today says no.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/one-among-many/201209/do-others-know-you-better-you-know-yourself

I don't identify with the addict label either. Not even a little bit.

food addiction is basically layman language for the psychological condition known as compulsive over eating. It is controversial to throw the 'addiction' word in there as addiction means to have a compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance - and when it comes to food, we all have a physiological need. We need to eat in order to live.

Compulsive overeating, on the other hand, is where the individual frequently has sessions of binge eating, during which they may feel out of control. They eat past the point of being comfortably full and then feel depressed or guilty post binge. This never defined how I ate. In addition to binge eating, compulsive over eaters graze throughout the day, I wasn't a grazer.

There are also neurobiological factors in addiction, and in compulsive over eating, that relate to the release of endorphins or serotonin post binge that create a 'high' for the over eater. I don't relate to this at all.

I am rarely hungry since the surgery and do not suffers from cravings. I have had no 'head hunger' and don't really miss anything. I think this further confirms that I was never a compulsive over eater, a.k.a food addict.

So why was I obese? I think years of yo yo dieting, based on a false self perception initially, really did screw up my levels of ghrelin and leptin production. As I came off a diet I would regain what I lost and then more as it took longer to reach satiation. I had no idea, zero, about portion control and now look back in horror at what I used to consider 'normal'. Despite all the diets, and all the years focused on diets, portion control never really took hold in my wee brain.

I also formed some bad habits, like a couple of lattes or mochacinos a day. I may not have drank soda much I was certainly drinking a heck of a lot of calories every day. I travel a lot for work so there was a lot of restaurant food, Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Big portions (because that's what restaurants tend to do) and foods high in all the shite our bodies don't need like poor quality fats and crappy sugar.

I would exercise in bouts, usually while dieting, but was never consistent with this once the weight came off. I sucked at maintenance. I know that now that I am looking at maintaining with the sleeve that I have to be super vigilant about this. This is danger time for me as I have lost the weight before (though never this much). When I. Look back I was not a conscious or a mindful eater. I am now and I know I have to maintain this in order to maintain my weight.

It wasn't addiction that made me obese. I made me obese by not being conscious, not being mindful, and not taking responsibility for the choices I made each day about what went into my mouth and what I did to burn it off.