For those of you that don't know me, My name is Laura and I have a food addiction.

My addiction it is being managed through the sleeve and hard work, at the moment...

I have/had a food addiction yes, but I also have an addictive obsessive personality..

For the last year plus my life has been about the sleeve. It is my focus from the moment I wake until the moment I sleep.. My "social time" is spent here with others that live the same life now as me. They "get it", well most of them anyway.... There is commonality here and that is huge to me. After all, my food is taken away how else will "I fill the hole"?

Along with my time here, I spend time working on the mechanics of my sleeve life. I plan my liquids, I take great care to get them in. Time meals to come 1/2 hour after finishing a round of liquids. Try and start my liquids up an hour, if I can, after my meals. My meals are thought out to the extent that they are Protein and veg. These are the "rules" I live by.

In the beginning I have referred to the Water schedule as a full time job. And in a way after all this time my eating drinking schedule is still like a full time job. Or at the least a very choreographed dance I do....

If my day includes activities out of the "norm" it can disrupt my dance....

This past weekend life, and I should say one the more challenging parts of it "got in the way" of my sleeved life. It made me realize the road to hell truly can be paved with the best intentions.. My real life and my sleeved life collided with a force strong enough to knock my sleeved life off its axis a bit. I simply could not spend my time dealing with the all important dance of food and liquids and the support of friends..

Did I eat this past four days? Yes. Did I eat enough? To much? Protein? Trigger foods? Timed just right? I honestly don't know and didn't much care.

Did I drink my fluids?

No, that I can guarantee not. Unless you count take away coffees and chi tea.

In fact several days I'd notice that it was afternoon already and not a drop of water had past my lips.

All or nothing... The life of an addict.

But this does not work, it is not realistic if you want to succeed in the sleeved life and life combined. You need balance. I'm not good at balance I realized that this weekend. I am a one trick pony, a one hit wonder.. I will spend my next year trying to find balance.

Yes, the dance of trying to live the balanced life. This is one of the reasons I think it is so important to be as compliant as possible early on. We must develop new habits and new reactions to the curves life throws at us. We need to keep repeating these behaviors until they become the natural way we react.

I don't have to think about grabbing a Protein shake when I go to work out, it just happens naturally. My freezer is ALWAYS stocked with good, healthy, home-made Soups which again, I naturally grab on my way out to work. When stuck in a situation where I need to order food at a restaurant, choosing the option which has the best nutritional impact is easy now and I do not mourn not getting the chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and gravy with a roll and ...

If it is still a struggle, then continue to fake it until you make it. Old habits die hard and my demons will always be there waiting for any sign of weakness. But, with the help of the sleeve, and some time under my belt developing these new habits, it is easier to make better decisions naturally.

Stress is one of my big red flags and I am smack in the middle of a very stressful time myself. I know that it will get better and no amount of (fill in the blank) will make it be any better. As a matter of fact, it will make it worse as now I would get to add the guilt of being bad onto my plate.

Edited December 10, 201312 yr by PdxMan

Thank you Laura for posting. I am 5months and 78 lbs out from surgery. This post is both encouraging and frightening to read. Encouraging knowing I am not alone in my food addiction and struggles with trying to find the place I fit in a world of people that encourage/support my journey and those same people who tell me "just a little isn't going to hurt you." Just yesterday after telling a dear friend that I gained 2 lbs over the weekend after drinking alcohol for the first time after surgery, he said "2 lbs, really get perspective, 2 lbs will be back off by the end of the week." I feel that people just don't get my mindset that 2 lbs hurt, the feeling that I could lose momentum and lose my way scares the @##$ out of me. So I too plan drinking, eating, exercise and sleep like it was the plan to world peace! This was frightening because I have read yours and other veteran posts and realize that this really will be a lifelong struggle.....but I feel with the sleeve, I CAN succeed...it will just be a battle that I have tools for. Again, thanks for posting and sorry all if this is a rambling blah blah blah.

Great post, Laura. Thanks.

I'm newly sleeved - 4 weeks on Thursday and I find the eating, drinking, stopping drinking because you're going to have a shake in 30 minutes, drinking some more, oops, gotta have a meal now, but when did I drink last exhausting, truly exhausting.

I know it will get easier, but a post like yours reminds me that this is a forever journey, not just a year or two or three. It also reminds me that reducing the size of my stomach is only one aspect of this - we need to work on our brains, too.

Thanks for your perspective.

What I have learned in the last 3 weeks:

My home is my bubble. A regular day for me involves getting the kids out, and doing some work on my computer from home. Getting my Protein and liquids in when I'm in my bubble and nothing out of the ordinary comes up? Easy peasy.

Work at back to back events on a Sunday from 3 to midnight, in which the second event includes a reception? Not so easy. People don't regularly stock soft, protein-filled foods at your typical reception. I'd brought Water and a RTD Protein Drink (good) but not enough for 8 hours away.

It is a dance. I'm not hitting my steps quite yet.

I have to have easy options for complicated days. I don't normally drink bottled Water, but I do when traveling or my schedule is crazy. I take the bottle in my purse so I can work on getting fluids in. And I know opinions vary, but I do count all drinks as fluids, including milk, coffee, tea. I also have a few grab and go foods for busy days. I often shove a Baggie with a piece of bread folded around two slices of lunch meat in my purse so I have something healthy to eat while out and about.

You've done great this year LV and it's good to have a goal for the second year out. I'm almost three years out, and I'm still working on stuff.

Lynda

I think a lot of our lives were put of balance so to speak, before the sleeve.. The years leading up to my highest weight, then the sleeve, I became a non person.. I was just a mother and a wife,

my family mattered more to me than me.. Not only did I get rotund, but I think some respect was lost for me. From my daughter in particular...

It's funny, for every step I take in life there are multiple ripples in so many different directions. I take care of others, I forget myself. I forget myself and others forget me too.. I take care of myself and others think I've forgotten them.. Maybe I have to some extent. Thats the balance I need to find. I need to take care of my family but I need to not forget myself which is so easy to do.. I did not binge this weekend.. But I did not take care of myself either..

Edited December 10, 201312 yr by laura-ven

Had to have a tantrum yesterday about the wife and mother stuff. My teenaged daughter said snippily, "I guess you expect me to be perfect." I said, "No, but when I feel like I'm giving 90% on a pretty regular basis…" "Oh, you want 100% from us?" "No, I would be pleased with 10%. And that's sad."

You're right; this is about much more (for me) than losing weight. It's about exerting myself to be what I should be, live up to my potential, and not be the reflection/support system/receptacle for my kids' and husband's hopes and dreams. The odd thing? I have a nice career and I do well; I don't think this is the outside world's perception. And unfortunately that is a balance I need to address.

Balance? I haven't found it either. Yes my pendulum swung a long way from center after being sleeved. And if I let down my guard it swings back the other way....the way I no longer wish it would go. But a familiar way that I can easily slip into and stay there. But I don't like it there. And now that I'm out I don't wanna go back. So instead of finding balance I have kept pushing hard as I can to swing the other way.

I have wondered if that is sustainable. Or natural. As to sustainable...it may be. After all I maintained my pre-sleeved life for decades. But I wasn't happy. That should be my indicator. I guess I'd like to have balance as well but haven't sought it out do to fear of swinging back to that old life.

Maybe this next year will bring some balance without swinging back to those unhappy times.

Yes butter,

I'm taking care of myself, overcoming so much..

I knew I swung a bit far into the other direction.

I saw it, but needed wanted it..

People in my life want me to go back to the way I was before to some extent..

But how do I do that without losing what I've become.

Balance? I haven't found it either. Yes my pendulum swung a long way from center after being sleeved. And if I let down my guard it swings back the other way....the way I no longer wish it would go. But a familiar way that I can easily slip into and stay there. But I don't like it there. And now that I'm out I don't wanna go back. So instead of finding balance I have kept pushing hard as I can to swing the other way. I have wondered if that is sustainable. Or natural. As to sustainable...it may be. After all I maintained my pre-sleeved life for decades. But I wasn't happy. That should be my indicator. I guess I'd like to have balance as well but haven't sought it out do to fear of swinging back to that old life. Maybe this next year will bring some balance without swinging back to those unhappy times.

I have to be honest here, because you all know I am honest. I have NOT been closely monitoring myself as I should. I don't measure or weigh. I haven't been counting Protein grams or liquid intake. I have been living. And yes, it is probably not the best way to proceed. But I am just the person I am, no more or less. When I learned to drive I was so focused on the lines on the road and lining everything up just right that I damn near wrecked several times. I get anal about things. But when the day came I thought " I am just going to point myself down the road and go, and try to stay in my lane" I got it. I have never had a ticket and the only wreck I have been in was caused by another. That is sort of how I am living with my sleeve. I am just pointing myself down the road and trying to stay in my lane. I pick healthy 98% of the time. ( And I won't lie to say I NEVER eat something I should not, because I have) I eat protein first, and in many cases it is all I have. I still cannot consume a "meal", just an entrée. At times my mind gets carried away and I think I am eating like a horse. Then I stop and really ponder what has gone in my mouth and realize it is really, really not as bad as I was giving it credit. I drink when I can, period. I tend to drink more week days sitting at my desk because it is routine. On the weekends I don't do quite as well. But I can tell from my own body signals when I need more and when I am hitting the mark. And I have been very strongly working on getting ALL my Vitamins in daily. Again, easier on week days than week ends. Could I be doing better? Sure. I will be the first to admit I have not followed the rules of the sleeve down to the last letter. But have I been trying hard? Yes. Will I continue? Yes! Am I human? YES!!!! We all are. And to thine own self be true. No one is accountable for anything but me. I live with the body, I live with the consequences. I know I have to fight this fight, and I am. I completely understand the overwhelming feelings being a food addict brings with. I will face them the rest of my life, as I have to this point. The thing is now I feel I can do this, I can win. And if there was any way I could give strength to anyone out there who needed it, I would in a heartbeat.

I'm there with y'all. On weekends when I sleep in I freak out because it's 11am and I haven't gotten in any fluids or protein. That is one thing I didn't realize about the sleeve; how much time you spend thinking about what you are going to eat or drink and the planning for it. And if I don't plan for it, I get dehydrated, don't get in my protein, forget to eat, and generally feel crummy. Guess this is the new normal.

Yes butter, I'm taking care of myself, overcoming so much.. I knew I swung a bit far into the other direction. I saw it, but needed wanted it.. People in my life want me to go back to the way I was before to some extent.. But how do I do that without losing what I've become.

I don't know. I see people using the phrase "new normal" all the time. Perhaps that is what we need to find. A new normal that encompasses all the needs of our life and still honors the needs of the ones we love. It does not have to be one or the other.

Remember part of loving someone else is giving them what they need not what they want. Your family needs you to live and be healthy (amongst other things). And they need you to have the energy to participate in their lives.

My wife doesn't like it that I spend time congregating here with people that get me. She'd rather I be with her more. But I'm giving her many more years of marriage and the energy to enjoy those years that I wasn't giving her before. Surely I would have died young had I not made the choices I have. And she knows this and is looking forward to it. Gone are her fears that I will die of obesity. And she no longer has to hike alone. She has a husband who can and will dance in public now. She likes that a lot.

I think a lot of our lives were put of balance so to speak, before the sleeve.. The years leading up to my highest weight, then the sleeve, I became a non person.. I was just a mother and a wife, my family mattered more to me than me.. Not only did I get rotund, but I think some respect was lost for me. From my daughter in particular... It's funny, for every step I take in life there are multiple ripples in so many different directions. I take care of others, I forget myself. I forget myself and others forget me too.. I take care of myself and others think I've forgotten them.. Maybe I have to some extent. Thats the balance I need to find. I need to take care of my family but I need to not forget myself which is so easy to do.. I did not binge this weekend.. But I did not take care of myself either..

Model the life you want for your children. Do you want them to give themselves up for their children? Teenagers will be unhappy, it's the nature of the beast. But you living a fulfilled, happy, healthy life that includes time for them is the best present you can give. My mom set an example for me of how to be happy, strong in the face of adversity and loving without giving up her interests or life. I am grateful for that. Did she have faults? Well, yes, she is human. Lynda

Edited December 10, 201312 yr by lsereno

At the beginning of my body change the sleeve and attending concerns enveloped the majority of my attention. The struggle to get it going, establishing guide lines, noting progress, mourning slow downs, and in the end, rejoicing exceedingly about my new body.

Now, coming up on my second year, my attention is being diverted by life itself. I am maintaining near my low weight and activity is at athletic level as I promised myself at the beginning. I had an empty feeling period when I asked myself the question, "Now what?"

This new body is just a part of who I am. It is no longer a hindrance, it now best serves me by not drawing attention to itself. It has become a vehicle to take my mind and soul to destinations and tasks. I have energy to express my heart and my body no longer blocks my reaching out.

I no longer have my body to use as an excuse for inactivity and introversion. I no longer hide behind shame. Now is the time to explore the other parts of myself and my relationship with those around me and the world in general. I have made a friend of myself and in so doing have deemed what love I have to offer as worthy to be shared. I have discovered that giving love is the quickest path to getting it.

I have a default eating, drinking, and exercise policy. I may step out for a bit but return to default quickly. I don't kick my butt for it, I am my friend now. If I don't have fun being me I won't be any fun to be around.

My grown daughter called me contagious the other day. It was one of the best things my ears have ever heard.

That is beautiful.