Dating post-op..does it get easier?

[gamergirl 4,610]

I think you are awesome and bring so much to this forum. Your hubby is lucky to have you.

Awwww you're so sweet. I needed to hear that tonight. I'm having an RA flare up which has me a bit down. You made me feel all warm and fuzzy thank you!

And if you meet my husband, you'll know I'm the lucky one. The man rocks.

[soccergirl88 56]

You know what? It's just a numbers game. You gotta meet a lot of people so don't give up. The HARDEST lesson I had to learn was that who people were attracted to' date=' had nothing to do with me. That's right. If they weren't attracted to ME, that was NOT about me, it was about them. About how they grew up, what the women in their families looked like, their first crush, their genetics, where they grew up, the neighbor girl they first kissed, they, they, they. Not me. Think about what you're attracted to. Haven't you met some perfectly decent men, reasonably good looking, but they don't ring your bell? I met a LOT of really, really nice guys. But they were not a good fit for me. Not their fault, not my fault. Just not a good fit. Once I accepted that, then it wasn't so much rejection, but seeing if we were a fit. It does sound like you two weren't a good fit. It doesn't sound like that's your "fault", right? Keep at it, you'll make some good friends if you're open to that idea.[/quote'] Game girl...thanks for putting things into perspective! You are a very wise lady :-)

[Indigo1991 1,612]

SoccerGirl88, agree with all GG says ( as usual!) but can I add one thing - the guy sounds like a self- opinionated arse...

All he needed to tell you was that he enjoyed meeting you but he didn't feel it was a long term thing. Why go in to so much detail if he wasn't interested??? His comments tell you all you need to know about him- and I think you had a narrow escape :-)))))

Has my second date yesterday. First guy I met online and he was the one who told me at the end of the night there was no spark before I could say a word!!!! Second guy I met in a bar as a friend of a friend. We had lunch and a lovely afternoon, lots in common. But this time, I wasn't feeling it!

Have told him he's great but not right for me - I didn't put it on to him, I let him know it's me, that there's nothing he could do different and that some girl is going to get very lucky. Might not make him feel much better (he was keen) but I was honest but not hurtful.

Hang in there with the dating and try to let things slide over you. We might have to kiss a few frogs but, hey, there could be a prince among them lol!!!!

Edited October 28, 2013 by Indigo1991

[kshepa 77]

Ok, I've been keeping up on everything that's been said on this thread and decided to go fishing on Plenty of Fish. Told myself to be very open and answer the messages I got very honestly. Well, I met this really nice man today who wrote to me. We met for coffee, then took a walk thru downtown Palm Springs and then had a nice lunch, walked and window shopped and talked....all so very relaxed and positive. Tonight he called me and asked me to go to Las Vegas with him to meet his son at the UNLV football game and spend Saturday night in Vegas!! We have separate rooms. I'm looking forward to it. I just can't believe i met someone so nice and so interesting!! The real catch is he is 3 inches shorter than I am. I was worried he wouldn't like me because of my wrinkly body and he was worried I wouldn't like him because he's shorter than me....and neither thing seemed to both either of us. I'll let you all know how Vegas is...But, you know what they say....what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!!! Lol!!!

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Wow, that is great. You are bold; I have never connected with someone that fast.

I read dating advice for women: dont get hung up on looks/height/hair. I am ok with bald, its the first two that kept my fish supply very limited. I am not over it..haha. I have met very few Blake Shelton look alikes in fact.

[BethinPA 305]

Ok' date=' I've been keeping up on everything that's been said on this thread and decided to go fishing on Plenty of Fish. Told myself to be very open and answer the messages I got very honestly. Well, I met this really nice man today who wrote to me. We met for coffee, then took a walk thru downtown Palm Springs and then had a nice lunch, walked and window shopped and talked....all so very relaxed and positive. Tonight he called me and asked me to go to Las Vegas with him to meet his son at the UNLV football game and spend Saturday night in Vegas!! We have separate rooms. I'm looking forward to it. I just can't believe i met someone so nice and so interesting!! The real catch is he is 3 inches shorter than I am. I was worried he wouldn't like me because of my wrinkly body and he was worried I wouldn't like him because he's shorter than me....and neither thing seemed to both either of us. I'll let you all know how Vegas is...But, you know what they say....what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!!! Lol!!![/quote']

Congratulations! It is ego boosting when things turn out positively, isn't it? I'm short, so fortunately I have no hang ups about dating short men. Things seem to be moving along very quickly - enjoy Vegas!

[BelindaK 11]

Dating terrifies me! I mean seriously...I tried computer dating for awhile and panicked anytime a man PM'd me or tried to chat. I've had therapists in the past who saw me for chronic pain and PTSD issues and they always came around to the "Why aren't you dating?" thing...which I refused to speak of as a problem. Makes me kinda sad. (especially since I write romance novels!! LOL!) In fact, I sometimes wonder if the weight gain was a defense mechanism.

[soccergirl88 56]

Dating terrifies me! I mean seriously...I tried computer dating for awhile and panicked anytime a man PM'd me or tried to chat. I've had therapists in the past who saw me for chronic pain and PTSD issues and they always came around to the "Why aren't you dating?" thing...which I refused to speak of as a problem. Makes me kinda sad. (especially since I write romance novels!! LOL!) In fact' date=' I sometimes wonder if the weight gain was a defense mechanism.[/quote'] I think you're on to something about weight gain being a defense mechanism...although I wonder if it could be on purpose or a coincidence.

[Indigo1991 1,612]

I think there's a huge connection between weight gain/failure to lose for some of us.

I could justify my lack of interest from my ex because of my weight and pretend things were otherwise ok - they weren't.

Once we separated, my weight kept me from looking for a new relationship or even casual dating. It was a physical barrier and I think I subconsciously didn't want to lose it. It kept the world away from me.

When I started to feel better about me, I didn't want to be ill (I had 2 comorbidities including diabetes) or fat any more. I didn't want to be hidden.

So, while starting dating frightens me, it's also exciting. It's not just that I am ready to meet someone new, it also signals that I feel good about me, no need to hide :-)

[BethinPA 305]

Somehow this surgery taught me that I really no longer want to be alone romantically - I want to be in a committed relationship. But I wanted to wait until I lost weight. So I joined a website this summer, and dated someone through the summer. The relationship didn't work out, but it did give me confidence. I'm a little slow about these things, but I will try again.

[1sunnuri 77]

It's so funny how we try n buffer our feelings with our weight. I know for myself for 25yrs being heavy has given me the excuse NOT to expect much from a relationship. So when I didn't get treated with respect and value it just validated how I felt about myself. Its been a long long road and I'm still learning how to love ME..just recently had a "fling" with someone who I thought was beautiful on the inside....I just realized his rejection was really about him. It was not about me...not my fault he didn't think I was wonderful. .lol ok yes it hurt my feelings I shed a few tears but definitely not at the level I would have before this journey. It was NOT a validation of my selfworth it just meant I wasn't IT..for him. Just like the blast from my past isn't the one for me. Lots of mind healing to go along with getting a healthier body n lifestyle. U need to b ready to do all the work to b successful n every aspect of this journey.

[supbanana 153]

I always had a very strong fear of men, but after a lot of therapy and this surgery I'm feeling ready to start dating. I'm just really self-conscious because I'm 25, and have only had one serious boyfriend. I have next to no experience with flirting, dating, or sex. I'm way behind the curve when it comes to other girls my age, and they're all prettier with bodies that don't look like melted wax. Not to sell myself short, I'm pretty awesome, but I'm also terrified that even if a guy is interested my lack of experience sexually will be an issue. :/

[kshepa 77]

Well, I'm in Vegas with my new guy. We went to a UNLV football game. Held hands, played kissy face a bit. It's so much fun being with him. I am 5'9" and when I weighed 392 I felt very uncomfortable with a man shorter than I because I felt huge around them. Kinda like a female version of The Incredible Hulk!! But now I'm 190, I have no problem being with this wonderful man who happens to be 3 inches shorter than me. I think it has to do with being confident in myself and the way I look. I never feel huge around him, either...so far, so good. It really feels good to be dating again. It's too early for any kind of sexual stuff, and I'm really worried about all this extra skin I have. But, I did already tell him about the surgery....he just hasn't seen my body in my birthday suit yet. I think I'll just breaking it to him slowly, little bits at a time. That way if it does get to the point where there's intimacy, he'll already have a good idea what to expect. Some how, from our first few dates, I get the feeling it's not gonna matter a lot to him. I think he really likes me and I know I like him....let's just see where this goes.

[1sunnuri 77]

I always had a very strong fear of men' date=' but after a lot of therapy and this surgery I'm feeling ready to start dating. I'm just really self-conscious because I'm 25, and have only had one serious boyfriend. I have next to no experience with flirting, dating, or sex. I'm way behind the curve when it comes to other girls my age, and they're all prettier with bodies that don't look like melted wax. Not to sell myself short, I'm pretty awesome, but I'm also terrified that even if a guy is interested my lack of experience sexually will be an issue. :/[/quote']

Honey the least of your worries should b lack of experience. Men do NOT worry about that..lol And as far as your body goes I have found that it really doesn't matter once the clothes come off its what is happening in the moment is their oncern...lol I promise u NO guy is worried about ur lack of sexual experience ...its a good thing in this day and age. I'm going to tell u what I tell my daughter. .just b sure when u fo decide that the nextv level "sex" is going to happen that he is worth it. That this guy is someone u want around for awhile. Sex changes the whole dynamics of a relationship and before u go there u need to know he is worth ur time and affection.

[1sunnuri 77]

Oops...uh and No they are not all prettier because I know u n your drop dead gorgeous. ...