Hey everyone I need your help. So my sister has this boyfriend that is a real loser. He lies about everything, he calls my sister nonstop to see where she is and what she is doing so much so that her last cell phone bill was $600 just from him calling, he constantly cancels then reconfirms then cancels plans again the end result being my sister spending the whole day by the phone waiting to see what he wants to do, the list just goes on and on. The point being he is just no good for her. My sister on the other hand thinks he is god or something, everything that goes wrong is her fault and she just wants to make him happy. Nobody in our family likes this guy, yet my sister brings him to our house nearly everyday and he spends the night (on the couch) often. my parents would rather have her at home with him then out with him. My sister is 26 and she is talking about marraige and kids, they have been going out for a year. I don't know what to do. I really hate this guy and if she does marry him i won't be able to vist with her and spend holidays together because of him, i love my sister so much but i just can't handle this guy. How do i get my sister to relize that she can do better?

Buy her a book - Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

Tell her you love her and you are really concerned about her future.

Good luck!

I'll try the book. Thanks. It's funny my sister went to an all girls high school and college so she hasn't had any real boyfriends until now. It's almost like she is going through that teenage thing of having a bad boyfriend because every time we say something to her about him she gets really defensive and yells at us that we don't want her to be happy. She loves to read so hopefully the book will be good.

Unfortunately she may not 'get' the message even after she reads the book. Hopefully she will. If not then you can't really 'do' much about the situation. If she does marry him then you and your family will have a dilemma. Do you cut off all contact with her and possibly any kids she might have because of him? Or do you support her as much as you can and tolerate her hubby? It is a dilemma for sure. If he is as bad as you say he is when she realizes that she will need her family to support her and not say I told you so. Not saying that you would do that at all so please don't take it that way.

I feel for everyone involved. I hope she does see the light.

This is an excellent article. It probably won't help her right now....when you are in love nobody can talk sense to you. But it's something that she might can benefit from later on.

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=157

Sometimes the more we try to make them see, the more they like the guy. Since this is her first real love, she will probably really take more time. Just be there to help her when she decides you are right.

Sounds like your sister has a low self-esteem!?!?! I did the same thing and tolerated because I knew no better...and you may have nailed it when you say she is acting like she is in high school....she didn't get the opportunities to "blow it" in high school and now she is supposedly more mature....but she's still a young girl inside in relationships?! There is not much you can do unfortunately beyond prayer! She is going to have to make the decision. There may need to be boundaries before the marriage...maybe if she realizes where the family is at she'll realize how much you love her and care about her and he doesn't!!! Maybe it's not a good idea that he is over there everyday???? I went through a horrible marriage in 1991.....pulled myself together and divorced and stayed single until 2004....wasn't a man hater....just MUCH more wise!!!! Well, I am married and LOVE it....he is WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!! When my husband and I were dating I owned my own home and we included our families in our lives BIG time!! But we did not run over to our parents every night!!! We went out on dates and enjoyed getting to know one another not sitting in front of the tv as a "date"....

One suggestion I would make is "build" your sister up...tell her how valuable and important she is....because when she realizes this....she'll quit putting up with a loser!!!!

God Bless,

Melody

Banded 3/20/06 -85lbs

The more you tell her how bad he is, the more she will defend him.

Try to make the best of it. Try to accept him and he may eventually screw up so bad, that she will wake up to reality.

The loser is probably emotionally abusing your sister. If she thinks everything is her fault it is because he is making her feel that way.

She need to see that there are better situations out there. If she could hang out with people her own age in good relationships or single. Women who are happy, she will want that too.

I would be worried that she would have a baby with that loser. then he will have control over her life forever.

Keep your chin up and keep fighting the fight.

Cyanide.

You asked how to get rid of him.

Of course, you'll have to live with the consequences of your choice. Unless you're in Texas and then you'll be in appeals for about 20 years and then die as a consequence of your choice.

Other than that, all you can do is support your sister, love her unconditionally, and introduce her to as many nice, single men you can find.

I don't think that you can get rid of your sister's boyfriend but the advice so far has been good. Hard as it seems sometimes its best to just ignore the boyfriend and let the sister know you love her.

As a Father of four sons and an older brother of 5 I learned a long time ago that its very difficult to convince family that a relationship is bad for them.

Thanks everyone for your input. MelodyJ i think you are right about the low self esteem. Like myself my sister is big and this is the only guy that has ever really shown interest in her. I keep on telling her that she is beautiful and so smart and caring. i guess i will try to accept him. The only thing is for them a "date" is ordering in and watching TV. I keep telling her if they go on real dates then he wouldn't bug me so much. But oh well what can i do?

All you can do is stand by her. Don't trash talk him, don't bad mouth him, don't do it. I know you think this guy is a real loser, but honestly all you can do is be there for her.

The article Gayle in Texas referred to is awesome. If you or someone you care about is having relationship issues, read this article.

Thanks Gayle.

Actually, I was going to say, that is why he is HER boyfriend. YOU don't have to deal with him except in family situations. As Donna said, just love her as your sis and limit your exposure (bad choice of words, maybe) to him. And show her this thread.

Ariel,

Hang in there....you know you love your sister...that has changed with her "bad choice"....just keep praying she'll see the truth and realize her value!!!! Years ago I had to tell a dad his teenage daughter was pregant (made me sweat) and I reminded him that how he responds would make or break the relationship....that she was the same little girl he loved when he walked in the office ...she would know she was loved and stay around or feel the pain of anger and rejection and RUN....keep showing your sister how much SHE means too you and your family!!! That dad told his daughter "you know I love you" as I walked out of the exam room!! AWESOME!!!!

God Bless,

Melody

banded 3/20/06 -85lbs