Hey everyone I need your help. So my sister has this boyfriend that is a real loser. He lies about everything, he calls my sister nonstop to see where she is and what she is doing so much so that her last cell phone bill was $600 just from him calling, he constantly cancels then reconfirms then cancels plans again the end result being my sister spending the whole day by the phone waiting to see what he wants to do, the list just goes on and on. The point being he is just no good for her. My sister on the other hand thinks he is god or something, everything that goes wrong is her fault and she just wants to make him happy. Nobody in our family likes this guy, yet my sister brings him to our house nearly everyday and he spends the night (on the couch) often. my parents would rather have her at home with him then out with him. My sister is 26 and she is talking about marraige and kids, they have been going out for a year. I don't know what to do. I really hate this guy and if she does marry him i won't be able to vist with her and spend holidays together because of him, i love my sister so much but i just can't handle this guy. How do i get my sister to relize that she can do better?

You need to let your Sister deal with this herself. She will hit rock bottom with this guy and then wise up and get rid of him. If you interfere and cause them to break up she will never learn that a guy like this should not be part of her life. She will also hold it against you.....you need to mind your own business and let your Sister handle this.

Carol

I think people have given great advice. All you can do is let her know you love and value her and try to get her to be around other people so she can see that there are other choices. Sounds like he is a real control freak and emotionally abusive...and when she gets tired of it or in trouble because of it, she'll need her family to still be there to support her. She's lucky to have such a caring and concerned sister.

Emily

Here's a little ditty I've held onto for years. It's possible it could be helpful in this situation.

"Question:

Dear Harriet,

I'm 28 years old, and I've been involved with a man named Daniel for almost a year. We have amazing chemistry, and he wants to get married. So do I, but I'm nervous because I already have one divorce behind me, and I thought I loved my ex-husband, too. Are there any objective guidelines I can use to evaluate whether Daniel is really marriage material?

Answer:

It's never wise to marry someone you don't love -- but it's even more foolish to marry for love alone. Steamy starts are wonderful, but passion can also prevent us from doing our best thinking. Chemistry aside, I think it's important that you ask yourself: "Is this relationship good for me?"

To answer that, I suggest the following exercise: Think about the traits, qualities, and behaviors that you consider essential in a partner, then jot down your top five. Maybe you need a husband to be honest, trustworthy, reliable, and caring. Does Daniel meet those criteria? What's his relationship history? Is he close to his family? Do you share core values and beliefs? Of course, picking a husband can't be accomplished with a cut-and-dried list of pros and cons, but taking this kind of straightforward approach will help you direct your thinking.

Next, think about the emotional climate of your relationship -- do you feel safe, comfortable, and at ease when you're with Daniel? Are you able to share your true feelings with him? Can you talk openly about whatever matters to you? Does he enlarge your sense of self-worth and possibility -- or diminish it?

Third, consider qualities like mutual respect, empathy, and nurturing: If you tell Daniel that something is bothering you, does he listen, consider your feelings, and change his behavior when appropriate? Is he fair-minded, or is it crucial for him to always get his way?

Fourth, even if you are still in the passionate, honeymoon stage of your relationship, it's smart to explore potential hot spots that could trip you up in the future -- say, typical conflicts over managing money, dealing with in-laws, having children, dividing household chores, how you'll spend your free time. Discussing these issues up front won't prevent future clashes, but it will give you clues about your ability to negotiate differences -- or whether you'll get stuck in stubbornness and blame.

Finally, psychiatrist Jean Baker Miller, M.D., has identified what she calls the "five good things" that occur within a healthy relationship. Ask yourself if the following are present -- or absent -- when you and Daniel are together: Each person feels a greater sense of "zest." Each person feels better able to take action -- and does. Each person has a more accurate picture of themselves and of each other. Each person feels a greater sense of self-worth. Each person feels connected -- and is also motivated to connect with people outside the relationship.

Almost all women say they want a life partner who is competent and responsible, kind and nurturing, loving and attentive, sensitive and open. I've yet to meet someone who says, "Well, to be honest, I'm hoping to find an irresponsible, distant, ill-tempered sort of guy who sulks a lot and is a total slob." But who we say we want, and who we are actually drawn to -- or settle for -- are different matters. With divorce in your past, you don't want to close your eyes, hold your nose, and jump into another big commitment. Rather than letting your emotions (or chemistry) run the show, take all the time you need to get to know Daniel completely -- and let him know you in return."

Randi, that article is awesome.

My advice is, your sister should be exposed to happy relationships. If she sees other men who treat their girlfriends or wives with respect, love, romance, etc, she will start to compare her boyfriend. This is how I realized my ex was kind of a jerk. I didn't realize that the things he didn't do, other men did. It took a while, but I finally realized that I want more. I want someone who thinks I am worth his efforts.

HunnyBunny,

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've held on to that article for years and every once in a while it comes in handy.

That's a really great article Randi, I'll print it out if she starts using the M word. Thanks

That's a really great article Randi, I'll print it out if she starts using the M word. Thanks

Hmmmm, maybe giving it to her beforehand might work better and saying something like . . . "I ran across this great article on LBT and I'm sharing with everyone I know who isn't married yet." IMHO, she may be more receptive to the article if you give it to her before she starts talking about marrying the guy rather than after.

The more you bad mouth or put down this guy in front of her , the more she's gonna feel sorry for him and cling on harder. Maybe when he does things that piss you off and she tells you... just reply to her "that was not nice of him" and leave it as that. I'm sure your sister knows how you all feel deep down inside.

My advice is don't lose your sister over this knuckle head, its not worth it.

You all are in my prayers

Randi...

So YOU'RE the reason why I couldn't just get the name Randi.!!!!

Do you like your name? I've never liked mine.

Randi...

So YOU'RE the reason why I couldn't just get the name Randi.!!!!

Do you like your name? I've never liked mine.

LOL. Randi is my nickname. If it's any consolation, I had to go with Randi P. at the obesityhelp.com website because Randi was already taken.