".... But You're Not That Big"

[cacilluf 27]

Ok, so I go to my surgeon's support group and last night someone said something that struck me emotionally. A lady was talking about how she wants the sleeve and her husband, who was with her, was against it. After she was done talking another lady, who also didn't have the sleeve yet, said ".... but you're not that big".

Seriously???? We're at a sleeve support group and you bring that out??? Yes, the lady who said that was larger than the one with the unsupportive husband, and I think that maybe this lady was just trying to make the other feel better (compliment??), but I got so emotional and had to call the lady out on what she said.

I was told alot by friends and family that they didn't think I was big enough. I'm sure they thought of it as a compliment but really it hurt because I could never talk to them about the sleeve beyond their accusation of my size. I was 290 before I got sleeved and had tried and tried and tried and wanted to be able to diet and exercise SO BAD but I couldn't do it mentally. I came to the conclusion to do it for ME because I KNEW I needed a tool to help me, and asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness. Its a very personal decision that everyone makes to have it, and to hear someone say "you're not that big" now not only hurts but pisses me off.

So I guess what I'm saying is for people who may not be 350+ or who wear it well, don't listen to the ignorance when people try to tell you you don't need the surgery when you know in your heart that it is the right decision for you.

[Butterthebean 8,146]

Reminds me of something similar. When I tell people how much I weigh, or weighed, and they say "you don't look that big." Like I wasn't big till they found out how much I weighed. Now I'm huge.

They think it's a compliment but really it's an insult. It's kinda like talking to someone on the phone, and then when you finally meet them in person and find out what they look like, saying "you don't sound that ugly."

[Leaha 1]

Exactly!!

[JennyB 25]

One of my anesthesiologist pulled out the..."wow you have such an amazing face! People pay to have a lips like yours and your eyes, wow, just such a pretty face" I took is as a little humor from God and laughed, because I was talking to my husband on the way to the hospital that I can't wait to not hear that anymore, it's the ultimate insult to me anyway. lol

[FishingNurse 1,211]

One of my anesthesiologist pulled out the..."wow you have such an amazing face! People pay to have a lips like yours and your eyes, wow, just such a pretty face" I took is as a little humor from God and laughed, because I was talking to my husband on the way to the hospital that I can't wait to not hear that anymore, it's the ultimate insult to me anyway. lol

I got this ALL THE TIME!!! It;s nice to just get wow, you are beautiful for a change!

[lilly11781 29]

Wow! This really hits home for me. This is exactly what my Mother said to me when I told her I was taking the steps to have weight loss surgery. It stung really bad and I was having such a hard time with it. I really didn't know if it was a compliment, and if it was, why did it hurt me when she said it.

After reading your post I realize that it wasn't a compliment it was an insult and it's okay for me to think of it that way. I also don't feel I can talk to my Mother about having surgery because she will never understand why I have made this decision for myself.

It's been extremely hard because I have a surgery date and I haven't even told my Mother because I feel she doesn't support my decision. I never ever want to disappoint her but I know in my gut that this is the right decision for me.

[MoreganK 164]

I've been told that exact statement many times. I've also had other colorful backhanded compliments such as, "Wow, if you lost a little weight you'd be smokin'" or, "If you lost weight you could be a model!" Really!? Really!?

Most recently, I had some people tell me that I don't have nearly as far to go as some other people do, and it will be a piece of cake for me because I'm not "that big." Mostly, it just made me feel uncomfortable.

[Forensikchic 528]

I know this feeling all too well. I think the people that say this to us mean well but it hurts just the same. Now that i have lost almost 90 pounds, they say things like "I didnt realize you were that big" or "but you werent that big", etc. Those comments belittle my accomplishments. It makes me feel bad like I didnt deserve this second chance because I hadnt done as much damage to my body as others have or let myself get as large as others did. Its a personal decision to have this tool and to become healthy. I dont care what size you start out, the outcome of living a healthy life is whats important. Whether you have to lose 100 pounds or 200 or 300, it shouldnt matter. The journey to get healthy is the same, we go though the same trials and tribulations and we should not be belittled or made to feel that we dont deserve any help or that our accomplishments are somehow lessened by our starting weight. I have been on a diet for 20 years and if diet and exercise worked by itself, I wouldnt have been 100 pounds overweight and feel yucky all the time. I am proud of my 90 pound loss and I am still working at it to lose the other 12. We should all be supporting each other, not downgrading the ones with less to lose with these hurtful comments, especially at a support group. Everyone should feel supported that we all understand what the others are going through and starting weight should not be a factor.

[katyb 36]

I'm going to be the odd one out, but I don't think the people saying this are meaning to offend, for a number of reasons. 1) Americans are generally large. The "average" is overweight. That skews the perception. 2) The general thought of many people is that WLS is for the super morbidly obese. People tend to assume that if you're ambulatory, that you don't fall into a category of a WLS candidate. 3) A lot of us carry our weight well. When I was at my heaviest, my husband DID NOT BELIEVE ME that I weighed that much. Not because he's uneducated or unintelligent, but it "hides" well.

I wouldn't read too much into it. Let comments, specifically the ones directed at you, roll off your back. I'm not getting worked up and raising MY blood pressure just because of an unfortunate comment.

[O.T.R. sleever 3,386]

Holy cow, Really? I mean Really? So your friends & family decide to pay you a compliment (keep in mind these are the same people that you probably complain about your weight problems to) & instead of taking it at face value you have to twist it to have some underlying backhanded intent. Really? Sounds more to me like somebody has self esteem issues.

If you tell someone that you are considering/having WLS, and they say "you're not that big" why not respond with something like "It's so nice to have people in my life that accept me the way I am." then maybe mention a few of the things that your weight has caused or maybe what loosing the weight will mean you can do.

Thinner people that have never been big don't understand the damage even 100lbs can cause, and admit it, us big folk don't want to be left behind. But I can say when I've told anybody that I have sleep apnea(which shortens your life), borderline high blood pressure, damage to my right knee, my back hurts after only walking about 100 yards, and my achilies tendons can cause me to be down for days at a time. And all of this can be cured or minimized by losing 150lbs+- all of the sudden they become very supportive. Knowledge creates understanding.

[Willow216 91]

Amen to all of the comments here. I guess most people mean well but they don't understand how patronizing those "your not that big" comments are, to me they're the Anti-compliment.

[letsdothis!!! 42]

Wow this happened to me! I literally got an evil stare from someone like "why are you in here" Then later in the bathroom a lady told me, "you don't want to get this, you need to just lay off the french fries" I think she was trying to come from a sweet place, she was an older and bigger lady who was overweight from having a lot of medical problems and she herself was scared of dying during surgery:( She had a back problem so it was hard for her to work out but she really needed to lose weight. After I realized where she was coming from we just laughed about it together. Sometimes people can be judgemental-but you don't know where they are coming from or what they are actually trying to say. (Thats why I keep my mouth shut lol) But all in all thats why you really have to make the decision for yourself, most of time when people give advice on situations and they think of themselves and what they would do instead of putting their self in the other persons shoes. I know I am healthy, besides being OBESE, almost morbidly obese and I know that this is the ONLY way I am going to be able to lose weight and KEEP it off. I'm not going to wait until I develop more problems to do something about it! Do what is best for you and what is going to make you happy! Don't listen to the side comments as they will probably change later anyway.

[coops 1,790]

You are not THAT big... the word 'that' is the problem for me.

I agree, it is a back handed insult and one I have received many times. it is good to hear that I am not alone feeling offended by this sort of statement; in the past I thought it was me being paranoid and my low self esteem beating me up!

[ShapeShifter 64]

This has been stated to me, as well. When I replied that I have weighed 250 lbs for 20 years, and that the medical community considers me to be morbidly obese and 100 lbs overweight, that no weight loss program has allowed me to lose more than 20-30 lbs, that I am now hurting all over for carrying this 100 lbs for so long, and I am suffocating in my sleep if I don't use a cpap machine... the compassion and understanding comes, as does the unconditional support. I didn't feel insulted, as this person respects and cares for me. I just took it to mean that she sees me through kind eyes and does not judge me for the size of my pants. I am a happy person, and no one around me has any idea of the internal suffering I have carried. When I've shared my truth with them, they have always moved to the side of understand and compassion. I am grateful.

[sammy 8]

Your all fruite cakes,we make are own decisions as long as your happy don't worry about it .