Tonight I read the post about to tell or not to tell. For awhile I have been in that same place, wondering, planning, who, when, and where to tell. What will X, Y, and Z think when they see me having lost so much weight(I am pre-op), will they lift up my shirt to check for incision scars...they will not possibly believe I could have done it on my own(notice self defeating talk). If they ask(whomever they might be) do I admit it or just say: "I took charge of my life and hired a trainer!". Well, this is so difficult for one I though of having this procedure while my husband was deployed next year as a "welcome home gift" I certainly don't want him seeing me looking like death after surgery with drains on me, eating baby food and I don't want to have to explain to my kids that I had so little self control I had to be operated on... I decided to tell my husband because if something happened to me since he would be raising our kids he deserves to know and hopefully he would want to support me, the kids I have not decided on yet they are little not sure if it is a talk to have at this time. That is my immediate family then there is everybody else and the friends and co-workers. So this is what my post is really about. Who do I OWE that to...such an intimate and very painful end and new beginning of my life BUT to GOD and myself. I just don't feel like I need to be treated like ham at the deli or cheese for that matter. The only thing want to focus on is the rainbow the yellow brick road, because nobody who dares to ask me about my weight has truly been there or walked a mile in my 10 1/2 wide shoes(try finding that). Nobody felt the lack of air, the sleepless nights, the looks and stares, the feeling of my self defeat after my next cool diet failed. They certainly weren't there when making love with my husband I prayed my belly wouldn't get in the way, that my back would stop hurting. I can't forget the times when I attempted to play with my children only to feel like bricks were on my chest and I had to keep smiling so they wouldn't see my pain. Hiding in photos, hiding from photos, hiding from myself! Is there a more degrading to self way to live? I don't think believe there is and I don't owe THAT to anyone. I hear about people who after the weight is gone they become part of the skinny world and suffer from selective amnesia, every person who like myself is overweight deserves to know where I came from...and that hopefully a light at the end of a dark cold tunnel showed up and I certainly will want to share. I will not forget where I came from because it is too easy to go back there are too many people suffering because of this slow creeping dark disease which is obesity. They DESERVE to know all others I am giving them something to talk about...a little mystery to figure out.
