My friend confided something with me today that was pretty scary & I am no quite sure what to do with this info.

She told me that her husband & 12 yr. old daughter got into an argument a few days before & the husband ended up pushing his daughter into a wall & then kicking her. The daughter went to school limping. Some of her friends at school asked her what was wrong & she told them the truth. My friend told me that her husband is normally a very kind man who was just under a lot of stress at the time. He can be rough at times & is verbally hard on the kids but nothing like this had ever happened before. The husband felt bad about it & apologized to the daughter & let her know that he was very wrong.

My friend called up her pastor for advice on what to do & he told her that the incident needed to be reported to CPS. (Child Protective Services) He said that since the daughter had told some friends there is a good chance that those friends parents might report it themselves to CPS. He suggested that my friend actually call CPS herself & tell on her husband. The pastor told her that she (my friend) was just as liable as the husband if CPS ever came in & found out that the wife was hiding it. By her calling CPS herself she is protecting the children & they would know that the wife understands the circumstances & is on top of it all.

My friend is scared to death to call CPS. She knows that it would open an investigation & all her kids would be questioned along with the daughter & the entire family monitored for several months. She's not sure she wants to go through all that, but does agree that her husband was very wrong in his actions.

I am the only person she told this info to. She is having a hard time with it & wanted my opinion. I don't know a thing about CPS. What actually happens when a wife calls to report on her husband? How long are you monitored? Is this something that will be on the husbands record for life??! Now that I know, am I liable?

Any comments would be helpful...

Well said Donna. I am so sorry the baby has to go through this. I hope she get's the counseling she needs or she will be trying to get a band when she's older.

I wasn't going to write....so many good opinions and advice.....but having said that I will write. I have been in many roles. I am a Physician Assistant and discovered teh abuse, I have been on a board for abused children, I have worked in a group home w/ children that had been abused! There is TRULY a difference in spanking and shoving and kicking!! I doubt if this is only his 2nd time....I have a feelingthat he is "escalating"....it will get worse without intervention (counseling, etc). This is a cry for help.....if she really didn't believe this was a problem she wouldn't have called the pastor or told you!!

Yes I believe if you know and don't report you will be held responsible possibly....today is messed up and it could be turned and blame you!!!! Stupid but true!!!

I have also reported abuse.....it's tough but it's the right thing to do!!!

God Bless,

Melody

Banded 3/20/06 -49lbs

I think this shows the pastor knows more about the situation than any of us thought. He may have even witnessed things that many of us would not recognize as abuse. The dad is probably not a bad person, but his actions are truly horrible. He needs help and an intervention. The kids need to be protected first and foremost. At this point, I'm sure the kids would benefit from counseling as well.

Diane, I'm sure this is such a burden on your heart as well. I'm praying for you and the family. Please keep us posted.

a similar situation occurred with my best friend. it was her adult child who hit one of the younger kids. this was reported to cps, and cps monitored. it was never established that the children were in danger. they concluded through interviewing the kids and adult acquaitances of all involved parties, etc.

if the wife calls, then i do not think there would be danger of the kids being removed. cps here would probably mandate that dad not be left alone with kids until the investigation was over. in my friends case, the adult child could not be at home alone with the younger kids.

I called on my neighbor a while back after I heard what sounded like her beating them. I told CPS that I wasn't sure about the physical abuse, but that I knew that they were mentally abused. This woman was always screaming at her kids calling them nasty things. I know they came and checked up on her, but I don't know what came of it. I will say that I hardly ever hear her yelling at them anymore.

If he's done it more than once, there's a good chance he has or will do it more than twice. Probably it can be dealt with by counceling and anger management classes, but someone will probably have to make him do it.

The mom sounds like she may be downplaying the situation with you. While it may indeed be a first time offense by the husband, does she want to live with herself in the event it happens again and she did nothing to prevent it??? What if there is a "next time"? And what if that "next time" is worse? She too would be liable (for knowing and not reporting) and all the kids could be removed from the home while an investigation took place.

At the very least, the husband should see a therapist or attend an anger management support group of some sort. If these precautions are taken, and your friend is being honest with you (and herself), then a call to CPS might not be necessary for this one incedent. But, at the very first sign of a repeat performance, your friend really needs to call the police and CPS. Her fist obligation is to her daughter's safety.

There are 2 things I can say about this from my experience.

I see Donna's point about CPS being so disorganized. When I was about 7 I fell off a trampoline at a friends house and gouged my arm and got a few bruises. My teacher called CPS with out even talking to me or my mother to find out how it happened, and they came to the school took me to the office, had me remove my clothes and photographed me. All with out calling my mother. When my mother picked me up from school I was crying and told her what happened. She marched right up to the school and let the principal have it. Now what was CPS doing taking photos of a minor with out even contacting any one responsible for me??

The 2nd thing is that Diane mentioned that the father was some times verbally abusive. This is abuse too and can be just as damaging or worse then physical abuse. My father use to call me fatty when I was about 6. I never forgot it and to this day it still pains me inside. What the father is doing is escalating in his abuse first it was verbal and now its gone to physical. I agree with Mommy that your friend is probably telling you a rose colored version of the story. If I was in your shoes I would call CPS. You never know, your friend might be next. If he will do it to innocent children I imagine his wife isn't immune either.

Just thought you'd like to know that my friend DID call CPS. She felt it was the best thing to do. I also called myself just to make sure. She also called a counselor & they ALL will be going to counseling. She said her husband has been very workable & agrees he has a problem that he wants to fix.

I hope everything turns out okay for them. Thanks for all your responses!! This is such a great group.

Good Job dianechef.....I've been thinking and praying about and for that family.

Man oh man. What a tough situation to be in. You did well Diane. I'm glad it's all working out and that the family will be getting help.

I stayed out of this thread because I hate bringing the authorities into personal family business. I have seen so many instances like Kat described. And, it seems like once you allow those types of agencies in your business they never leave.

But like I said, I'm glad this case turned out for the best. You're a good friend Diane.

Thanks P'Nut!! I agree about not ever wanting the authorities being invovled in this type of situation. It's just so scary!!

However, what my friend & I both realized is that SHE is responsible for protecting those children. By having the mother of the children call, CPS knew that the kids were being well taken care of & were in good hands. CPS felt that because the mother called & had already scheduled family counseling, they decided to only document the incidents & not do any further investigations unless there was another problem. However, CPS did say that they were going to monitor the family & follow-up with them. I thought that it all turned out well & she feels good about it!!

I know this topic had nothing to do with our bands, but I truly felt that this group has so much valuable information to share. Thank you! Thank you! I consider you all my good friends.

Ok, I work for CPS in Houston, TX and not every state handles things in the exact same way. All I can say is, if someone else reports it then matters could be worse. They can hold the mother accountable for not reporting it if they find that something else is going on. In my experiences, if you get a good worker, they go out and do an investigation to see if there are any signs of abuse and or neglect and if not they may advise for counseling or they might not. If it was a one time deal, they might just let it go. But it is better to be safe than sorry. I guess I would rather have to go through therapy or services for a couple of months, than to have to deal with more severe actions.

Oh Diane I am so happy. This family has been in our family's prayers and I am glad it all sorted out calmly with a solution that hopefully will be the end of it. We all have trouble sometimes. There is nothing wrong with that. It is when we do not check our trouble and it gets out of hand. Sounds like he is being a good dad and making the right choices on getting help.