This is for men and women. I would especially like to hear from our male members because well, I don't understand this conundrum at all ! ! !

Since losing weight, my husband thinks I'm helpless and a total wimp. It's sweet to an extent, but seriously, I'm not handicapped now because I'm skinny. When I was 270lbs, his ass wouldn't move if he saw me lugging a 50lb bag of dog food, but now at 125ish pounds, I can't dust the tv stand without him asking "do you need help?" SERIOUSLY, what is up with this change in behavior? Why is it that all of a sudden, I'm not capable of doing every day things without assistance?

I understand I had a horrific recovery, was sick for several months (he was deployed during my entire recovery), and couldn't be here. But, he's been home since October of last year, and for the last 4 months, he's been smothering me. Yes, we've discussed it. Yes, I've told him how I feel. Communication is not the problem. But, what else can I say or do to make him realize that I'm not a fragile little girl? He's even tried to pull the " I don't want you to chip your nail polish" crap. We are trying to conceive, and I know that he's always been the protective type, but not to this extent? I'm not complaining about my husband, he isn't being an ass, he isn't being mean, he has just lost all confidence that I am capable of doing anything. I am by far more mechanically inclined than he is, I can and have changed the oil in our vehicles, changed car tires, I lug my 55lb basset hound in and out of the bathtub without issue. If there are things that need to be done around the house, I have to do them while he is gone or I'll never get anything done. I'm not sure what I'm asking for, or if this is more of a vent. I greatly appreciate having an amazing, and loving husband so please don't tell me that I should be grateful that he is this way. If this didn't absolutely irritate me to no end, or make me feel worthless, I would never have posted. If I do things while he is gone, he gets mad at me for not waiting on him to get home. We live on 1.5 acre, have a riding lawnmower, he doesn't even like it if I mow the yard. It's not like I'm out push mowing our entire lot. I think it's great that he wants to protect me, that he wants to do everything he can to make my life easier, but it's actually just making things more difficult.

How can we compromise on this? I should add that since my revision I am a stay at home mom/wife for the first time in my life with a 12 yr old(from a previous), very independent, self-sufficient son. It's all new territory for all of us. My husband is very conservative, and a traditionalist. He is the provider, I'm the homemaker, and we're both trying to adjust to these new roles. I do work part-time as a Lia Sophia jewelry advisor/direct sales. For me, it's not working though because it's more fun than anything. I just started "working" within the last month, and it's given me an outlet that is just mine. I admit I've lost part of "Tiffany" since becoming a sahw/m, but we're trying to work on all of this at the same time.

Any advice, wisdom, suggestions, anyone else experience this type of situation with your partner?

A simular thing happened when I had my first child. Before I had my son I was the primary breadwinner and I did everything for myself. Infact, my husband has all the brains but I know how to do stuff and actually did everything without asking for help. Once my baby was born the roles shifted and I didn't know quite where I fit in. We tried the "he is provider, I'm the mom" thing but it just didn't work. I was and am an independant person.

It seems like with your weight loss the roles are shifting and he's just trying to figure out where he fits into things. I'm really not trying to say that you should treat him like a child but maybe he doesn't feel needed and you could find ways to let him know that he is valuable to you. At the same time I would firmly let him know that you can do these things and you aren't a child/breakable when those situations arise and you don't need his help.

A simular thing happened when I had my first child. Before I had my son I was the primary breadwinner and I did everything for myself. Infact, my husband has all the brains but I know how to do stuff and actually did everything without asking for help. Once my baby was born the roles shifted and I didn't know quite where I fit in. We tried the "he is provider, I'm the mom" thing but it just didn't work. I was and am an independant person.

It seems like with your weight loss the roles are shifting and he's just trying to figure out where he fits into things. I'm really not trying to say that you should treat him like a child but maybe he doesn't feel needed and you could find ways to let him know that he is valuable to you. At the same time I would firmly let him know that you can do these things and you aren't a child/breakable when those situations arise and you don't need his help.

Makes perfect sense. I do love being home to an extent. I now have a very active social life, I'm able to volunteer more, I'm not tired, stressed from a daily grind job. And, honestly I love not having to punch a clock.

Thank you for your kind words. I never thought that he could be feeling like he doesn't "fit" into my day anymore. I don't make him feel needed, and I do need to work on that, and I thank you very much for pointing that out. I never thought about his feelings of needing to be needed, or wanted.

This helped tremendously.:cursing:

If this didn't absolutely irritate me to no end, or make me feel worthless, I would never have posted. If I do things while he is gone, he gets mad at me for not waiting on him to get home.

Okay, now I'm only a first-year grad student in marriage and family therapy, so take this with a huge grain of salt. But...

You have two separate realities going on here. From his point of view, it's his job to do the "manly" stuff like lift heavy things, mow the lawn, and so on. When he does those things for you, it makes him feel really good, like he's being a good husband, doing his job, providing for you and protecting you. It makes him feel good and competent and strong.

From your point of view, you are a perfectly capable person whose job it is to keep the house running smoothly, doing whatever needs to be done including lifting heaving things, mowing the lawn, and so on. You did all those things when he was gone, and you felt good and competent and strong.

So, wow... instead of the usual case where everybody is trying to shirk doing these kinds of chores, in your family both spouses see the "heavy lifting" as a badge of honor, and a sign of competence and a way to prove your worth and contribute to the household. So it's natural that you'd tussle a little to "get" to do those chores for the psychic rewards you get for doing them.

Now add what DJackson mentioned -- your weight loss. All of a sudden, with you looking and feeling and acting so different, ESPECIALLY with you no longer working outside the home, and with your DH home instead of deployed, everybody is having to figure out where they fit into this new system. And so everything, including the back-and-forth about who gets to do the heavy lifting, suddenly gets even more emotionally fraught than it otherwise would be.

You said yourself that when your DH does these things for you, and scolds you for doing them yourself, it "makes you feel worthless." That is something that deserves a whole lot of thought. Why is that? Is it because (like a lot of fat women including me) you have gotten used to valuing yourself only for what you could DO? I know in the past I've been a single mom/sole breadwinner/one man band and gotten a great deal of satisfaction from that role. When I remarried it was really hard to give up that role. I'm not saying you need to sit back and play the helpless woman, but I am saying that your worth is NOT dependent on being able to lift 55 pounds of dog food or mow the back 40 before Breakfast. You are a wonderful person even if all you do is sit around looking beautiful and supporting your DH and DS emotionally!

As you noted already, your DH probably feels exactly the same way -- like HE is worthless if he doesn't do that stuff! Crazy, huh? He probably has all kinds of guilty feelings about being gone while you were so sick, and now he's trying to make up for it, and when you don't let him he gets frustrated and it comes out as him getting mad!

I bet if you talked through all this stuff, not in terms of what you want each other to DO, but how you each FEEL, you'd find it would get a lot easier.

Good luck and lots of hugs!!

I'm guessing your husband just needs to feel needed. You are a strong, independent woman and he knows you are fully capable of living alone.

Maybe he is even feeling a little threatened by your new desireability and wants to make sure you have no reason to wander?

Wow that is interesting. . . for me it's my hubbie wants me to sit down and rest all the time. . .thinks I'm doing too much. . too hyper. . . but the thing is i keep going. . it's a "whatever" situation with me. . .I've always be independent and told him i don't plan on changing that. . .i'm thinking too that with him, when he sees me working and scooting about the place and he's sitting down watching tv, he feels a sense of quilt that he's not doing something too. . . so he wants me to sit down and join him instead of working. . .

awwww sounds sweet to me.

lol. . .pumpkin that made me laugh!

Tiffy,

I am a sahm/w too. When my husband was deployed I packed up our house & moved. Then when our house was built I did it all over again & even carried heavy boxes & matresses upstairs. Along with that I've always kept the house clean and done my daily chores. But now that he is home he helps out with my duties.(He is a clean freak!) But when I see him folding the laundry or something like that because I didn't have time to get to, it makes me feel like crap that he's doing the things I should have done. Maybe your husband feels the same way. He feels like that's his job not yours. Even though you are perfectly capable of doing it. I learned that my husband likes a clean house and will do it if he wants to. He doesn't get mad that I didn't get to it, but he is ocd when it comes to cleaning. We've even gone to over to friends houses & he will pick up or take the trash out. That's just the way he is and I love him!

I have to agree Tiffy. Men were made with more of an ego then we realize lol. Maybe it is that he just needs to feel like he is needed or he needs to feel like the "big guy" in the house.

Thank you all for your insight and advice.

MLK- I don't consider myself "worthless" maybe that was a bad choice of words. I've always valued myself for who I am, and the woman I live my life as. Maybe "helpless" or disabled would have been a more appropriate operative word. I do understand your points, and essentially we've been trying to "adjust" or transition into these 2 new roles that life has us in at this point in time for over the last 10 months. If I hadn't been dealing with this (the excessive smothering) for about 4 months, I probably wouldn't have even shared. I've told him how it makes me feel. I've asked him if he sees me differently, and to a degree he does. A lot has changed since we've been married, not just since my revision. Everything from roles in the family to our sex life changed drastically since we said "I do".

I'll continue to communicate with him. I recognize he is a "fixer", and that he wants to provide all of my needs, but in my mind I have to be self-sufficient. If I don't do things by myself, what the heck is going to happen when he deploys next time. I refuse to become "that" military wife, and he's already planned out how he is going to make "it" easier for me when he leaves. For example, hiring a lawn service (I was/am absolutely against this idea), hiring a cleaning service to come in a do "my" deep cleaning regimen that I do every month (again I refused), wanted to set up allotments that come right out of his pay instead of me paying the bills like I do now. It's just getting a little much. I think a lot of has to do with me feeling like he doesn't think I can handle stuff. I broke down and told him last night "If I can survive almost dying, being house-ridden and completely alone like I did last summer, I think I can handle mowing the grass."

There's gotta be some give, and I know we'll work through this, it's just taking a lot of time and patience.

Thanks again everyone ! ! !

hey girl, haven't seen you on here very much. must be too busy trying to do hubby jobs... lol just kidding. you both want to help each other out. why don't you do it together the chores and all. say to him, i really enjoy mowing the grass. why don't i mow tonight and you weed eat. you probably love to mow because you can't hear anyone say anything to you and you can think about your life and what is different about it. your energy level is high now too. we have had all of that bottled up for so long because we didn't really feel like cleaning, mowing, working, taking care of our families but we did it because we had too. now we feel so good and have so much energy we have to get it out somehow. just try to let it go and put that energy into something else. do the chores together if you can find a happy medium. good luck and talk soon. call me. would love to hear your voice again..

Wish my husband would see me as helpless!! He still expects me to go and work and spend long and difficult days on client sites. Ah the joys of running a small business together!

Jane x

You know, this is funny because I just had this same conversation with my husband... Since surgery almost 2 months ago -- he has been acting like I am going to break. He is on top of my food and if I need anything. If I have a headache, he is worried... This was never the case before. This morning we both went to the gym and I was able to go on elliptical for an hour (first time ever).. Well, when I got off my legs felt like Jello. That's all.. Nothing to be alarmed about and he made me sit down and breathe. Went to get me a glass of Water, and was frightened... When all I probably needed was to walk it out.. lol

I appreciate the "extra" care but at the same time I do get frustrated because I am very independent and don't want this to always be the case. We'll see what happens. :thumbup:

I don't know if I can comment here but I will anyways.

Maybe your hubby is noticing what a hotty you are now and doesn't want your eyes to wonder?

My partner had been married twice before he met me. We have been together 19 years. He has always been the gentleman, fixing things, concerned about me injuring myself. It's only gotten worse since the surgery. I just let him, it seems to make him happy if he feels he is the macho guy in our relationship. So I keep my mouth shut.

But I know I could woop his has in a fight and I have a build like a teamster whereas he is a skinny tall guy. But if it makes him happy to do stuff for me I let him at it.

I think it has something to do with a mans machismo more than anything. That old caveman hunter gatherer mindset is still there.

Will

Pfftt, When I told my BF that I was having surgery, he moved right along to the next topic of conversation and when I was home recovering/on vacation for 3 weeks we talked once on skype. He and I are both deployed, he is a soldier, and he redeployed back to the states during that time. I can appreciate what a hectic time redeployment is, but to not even comment on "I'm having surgery" in a conversation ... needless to say, he is not my BF any longer. Sorry, didn't mean to hijack ...

Tiff, could it be that the underlying subconcious issue here is the fact that he wasn't there for you when you faced death? You both know he couldn't help not being there - in your rational brains. But in the emotional brain, maybe he is trying to compensate?

Edited August 19, 201015 yr by Globetrotter