Question about post-op dating-for the men and single ladies

[educationrulz 18]

I'm coming up on surgery pretty soon and looking forward to some post-op dating experiences once I've healed and recovered. But, I keep having these wierd thoughts about how a man might react once he finds out that I used to be obese and had to cut my stomach out to loose weight.:thumbup1: Like, is he going to go running away screaming at the top of his lungs? Is he going to be thinking that I'm going to blow my surgery and get fat again? Will he think it's just better to dump me before I get big again or before I cut some other part of my body off?

I know this is crazy, nonproductive type thinking, but I can't help it. I'm doing my best to be prepared for how things will be post-op and this is one issue I can't rationalize or wrap my mind around.

So, I'm coming to you guys for advice. I know that the men here will naturally be biased because you're pre- or post-op yourself so you're okay with the need for the surgery. But, can you step out of the situation and think about how you might act if you met a woman who had lost weight because of surgery? Ladies, what has been your experience with dating and telling a man that you had WLS? Did they run off, pretend to be ok with it, or really accept it and continue with the relationship?

For clarification, I'm not talking about telling a man I don't know well about this. I'm talking about the point where I have been dating someone for several months or more and am beginning to build a serious relationship with - someone I don't want to hide things from...

HELP before I drive myself crazy thinking about this! :svengo:

[Lillie24 2]

Being single myself, I am also interested in the answers to this thread.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

It's been my experience that men just don't care. I've dated a lot since I was banded and lost most of my weight. Then I was sleeved and lost even more weight. I started online dating as soon as I felt small enough when I was banded.

I never told them in the beginning. I just made wise food choices when eating with them. If I could see that I would be eating with them more frequently, I told them.

They all basically said the same thing. "that's good that you did that" It probably made you healthier and you sure look good"

They never asked whether I would gain weight back. They could see that it was impossible for me to eat a large portion.

Being thin and having guys notice me has been so much fun and very rewarding. You'll see soon!

[SouthernSleever 228]

I seriously don't think any guy would care or think that far in the future. If you look good at the very moment you tell them you have had the surgery then you are in like sin.

[deletedsally 8]

LOL...you know, it probably won't matter, because when we all get thin, it will just be raining men everywhere we go...

[Lillie24 2]

LOL we can hope

[BJean 16]

If a man sees it as a problem, they are very shallow and you should run the other way!

Most guys would think you're cool for having taken the bull by the horns and getting the surgery. Guys don't seem to think of it as a weakness, but as you being strong enough and that you care enough about yourself to do something positive.

As for appearances, everyone likes to be with someone who is attractive, even if we tell ourselves that looks seriously don't matter (and they really don't in the big picture.) But most people like to be around someone who they find attractive. And sexual partners want a partner who is not self-conscious, one who is self-confident and physically unashamed of their appearance when they're naked. It's just lots more fun to be with someone who isn't self-conscioius and apologizing for how they look.

And then there's the aspect of wanting a partner (especially a life partner) who is healthy. Someone who cares enough about themself to get surgery if it is needed, and one who does at least some physical exercise on a regular basis is more attractive than a couch potato because their life expectancy is higher and the possibility of having fewer health issues is greater.

So by all accounts, potential partners - both lifetime and just movie or dinner dates - should be happier with one of us today as opposed to one of us a couple of years ago when we were considered obese and probably unhappy with our looks and our life. I mean reverse the roles. Pretend like you're meeting someone who has had surgery and think about whether it would bother you or whether you'd respect someone who took the step of getting the sleeve.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Honestly, the guys like it cause when you order food, you hardly order anything.

I am in between guys right now, but I can tell you in the last 6 months since I have been maintaining at goal, I am not without someone to date for very long. It's too bad there are so many frogs out there. I have come to realize, if the men are single at my age, there is a reason for it. There are a lot of people who have been divorced about 3 times, and it's cause they don't know how to maintain a relationship.

[ouroborous 519]

I guess I'll be the token male on this thread!

I'm not single, however, but I encouraged my girlfriend to get the surgery once she'd made up her mind (and once I was convinced that it's safe). Not just for the obvious, "noble" reasons -- it's good for her health, she'll live a longer, happier life, etc. But also for one very un-noble, "selfish" reason as well: I wanted a skinnier girlfriend.

Mock me if you'd like, but let's be honest. Men -- especially single men -- are visual creatures. We care, very much, what you look like (even when we protest that it doesn't matter, it matters). Hopefully, if we're good guys, that's not all we care about, but it's pretty important.

So, I can't speak for other men, but I can speak for myself, and I bet I speak for a lot of men. Mostly -- at least in the "first impressions" department -- we care that a woman is healthy, and looks good. This surgery achieves both of those goals. Sure, you may not want to give him every gory detail, but that kinda goes without saying (a new relationship isn't usually the place for detailed talks about former medical procedures). If you need to explain anything (for instance why you eat so little, or why you can't have carbonation), just explain that you had stomach surgery in the past, and it's doctor's orders. Most men really won't care beyond that, as long as you're healthy.

But honestly? I think a guy will just be thrilled to be with a "skinny" girlfriend, to the point where he doesn't really care HOW she got skinny.

In the long run, hopefully, we'll move beyond caring so much about appearances. But the truth is that we NEVER get completely past it; we always care at least a bit what you look like (which is why the sleeve is such a great thing for relationships!). Once we start moving beyond first impressions/lust, we should just be thrilled that the surgery is making YOU happy, and less judgmental about it. In other words, as the immediate visual draw becomes less important, our caring for you should take over, and in that department lap sleeve is a plus, too.

There will likely be a small percentage of exceptions, but honestly I think most will be happier with the results and not care how you got there. The exceptions who will make a fuss about it, aren't worth your time.

Edited June 1, 2010 by ouroborous

[Bevanne 0]

I wouldn't bring anything up initially. If the relationship had gone to another level, then sure. When your comfortable. A guy wants a girl that looks good. I think most men don't care how. I also don't think they sit around wondering if you will be large again one day. They didn't know you before. They only know you in the present. We all have a past. I say be positive about where we were and the changes we have made. If a guy doesn't "get it" then Run...He isn't worth your time and effort..

[BJean 16]

ourobourous, that is probably the most honest assessment I've ever read (or heard) from a man about how men feel about women's appearance. You are quite a catch, mister! Being able to have a discussion about things like this are what most good women are all about. When a guy is patronizing and claims that looks don't matter, we know in our hearts that they're lying and then we can't trust it when they tell us how cute we are. And a relationship like that actually hurts, although it probably shouldn't. Lots of guys will say anything just to shut us up and sometimes it's because they are shallow Hal.

I appreciate you man and I'm sure your woman does too.

[BJean 16]

oregondaisy, I've noticed that the new term for first marriages is "starter marriage."

Three marriages almost always denotes a serious problem. You can tell yourself that he's grown and learned and changed but it's very rare that he actually has. (A psychologist told me that.)

[imagine.dream.inspire 0]

I guess I'll be the token male on this thread!

I'm not single, however, but I encouraged my girlfriend to get the surgery once she'd made up her mind (and once I was convinced that it's safe). Not just for the obvious, "noble" reasons -- it's good for her health, she'll live a longer, happier life, etc. But also for one very un-noble, "selfish" reason as well: I wanted a skinnier girlfriend.

Mock me if you'd like, but let's be honest. Men -- especially single men -- are visual creatures. We care, very much, what you look like (even when we protest that it doesn't matter, it matters). Hopefully, if we're good guys, that's not all we care about, but it's pretty important.

So, I can't speak for other men, but I can speak for myself, and I bet I speak for a lot of men. Mostly -- at least in the "first impressions" department -- we care that a woman is healthy, and looks good. This surgery achieves both of those goals. Sure, you may not want to give him every gory detail, but that kinda goes without saying (a new relationship isn't usually the place for detailed talks about former medical procedures). If you need to explain anything (for instance why you eat so little, or why you can't have carbonation), just explain that you had stomach surgery in the past, and it's doctor's orders. Most men really won't care beyond that, as long as you're healthy.

But honestly? I think a guy will just be thrilled to be with a "skinny" girlfriend, to the point where he doesn't really care HOW she got skinny.

In the long run, hopefully, we'll move beyond caring so much about appearances. But the truth is that we NEVER get completely past it; we always care at least a bit what you look like (which is why the sleeve is such a great thing for relationships!). Once we start moving beyond first impressions/lust, we should just be thrilled that the surgery is making YOU happy, and less judgmental about it. In other words, as the immediate visual draw becomes less important, our caring for you should take over, and in that department lap sleeve is a plus, too.

There will likely be a small percentage of exceptions, but honestly I think most will be happier with the results and not care how you got there. The exceptions who will make a fuss about it, aren't worth your time.

I loved this. Thank you for your honesty. :thumbup:

[educationrulz 18]

Hey guys. Just getting caught up on the responses here. So, I'm reading everyone's responses and trying to take all of this in and own it. It really helps to have other people rationalize this for me because I didn't come to any of the conclusions that you guys presented.

I think I'm struggling because of years of my weight affecting my romantic relationships. Of course there are men who like larger women, but I guess after a certain point when you're not comfortable with yourself it doesn't matter if someone else doesn't mind. I guess I have no frame of reference for feeling attractive and feeling like I could attract the average man.

I agree that men are not as caught up with the fine details as women are likely to be. So I can see everyone's point about them not caring how I got to a healthy, attractive weight. It seems like all of the issues I'm worried about in terms of post op are coming down to having to deal with it when it comes.

Despite my somewhat irrational fears of dealing with these situations, I am still quietly excited about being able to come out of my shell a little bit. I might even get out there and shake my tail feathers now and then. :wink0:

[BJean 16]

You know when you're waiting for your date to arrive, all kinds of things go through your head. If you're like me, the more things you get resolved the more confident you'll feel. Now I think a good plan of action is to track down some extremely hip music that you can shake that thang to when you're feeling your Wheaties about 6 months from now!