I'm going to go kinda in depth with my life, and I'll let you know that before I begin this is a long story. I am 24 years old with a 2 year old son, i've had obesity issues all of my life, and that is the god honest truth. I have a husband, whom I adore, and a past I can't seem to stop thinking about. My first love, he was a sweeitie and a jerk, I contribute that to being young. I was totally in love with him. Almost every first a young girl could have was with him. I loved him so much that I was just awfully depressed when we broke up. In college we had on and off intimate relationships, brief ones or should I say affairs since he was already involved. With a good friend of mine after we went off to college. I was with him from 8th grade until I guess my junior year of college. My family as always been on me about my weight. I've been called everything from baby whale, to miss piggy, but I'm not blaming them for my weight problem.:straight Please don't get me wrong. After my last episode with my high school sweetheart, I met my husband, a year later married him and 6 months after that had our first child. I love him and my son, but I feel as though I was totally selfish about the whole ordeal. I moved too quickly on the relationship and marriage just to get my ex out of my system, which I was unsuccessful with until recently, I had my son just to get out of school, well just the school I hated, which my mother wouldn't let me leave. Just recently I got into it big with my closest cousin, we're the same age only she's 1 month older. She relies totally on government assistance to get her where she is, she's made countless mistakes in her life and I'm always trying to help her, always trying to lend her helpful advice, but she never takes it. She has 3 kids, 8, 7,and recently a 2 month old all boys. She suckered a guy who already had kids into getting her pregnant. Pressured him into marrying him. Don't get me wrong he has problems too, I mean we all do, they're just a little nuttier than most. Anyway, she asked me for $ to help her pay a BGE bill, me thinking of the kids gave her the $ on the promise that she would repay it the next day. I don't know why I fell for that okie doke knowing that the girl doesnt work anywhere to be able to pay me the $, but I had just taken her to david's bridal to try to find her a $99 wedding dress since she was so intent on getting married the following week, needless to say she didn't give me my money claiming that she was waiting on someone else to pay her that "owed" her money. I ended up having to track the girl down and retrieve my $, because there was no telling if I would see it if I hadn't. Anyway she accused me of going behind her back and started cursing me out, so I got ignorant right with her. I wanted the $ back because I had to do something to my car and I wanted to get her a wedding gift but she didn't care, My account ended up being overdrawn, and now we're not speaking, she just recently moved to Westminister, I don't know where, and right now I don't want to know. But I do feel terrible about the whole thing. I feel like no matter what I've done for her and no matter how much I've struggled as a result of helping her, she doesn't care, and I'm truly and deeply hurt. My husband of course is upset because he feels she cheated the system for everything she has and doesn't appreciate what we do for her. She says he disrespected her and doesn't know her like that and I should have put him in his place. He was trying to calm the situation down, but it got out of hand and they started yelling at one another. Not to mention my husband is a total pessimist. We were living beyond our means in the townhouse we were renting, so we've abandoned our lease ( i know not the smartest idea) and came to live over my late grandmother's house which my uncle owns. He does no home improvements only is seen when rent is due. I live with my other uncles and my uncle/landlord's brother in law, whom we think pays no rent, My food gets eaten, no one cleans when they cook, it's ridiculous. We're neck high in debt, and there may only be one ray of hope for us getting out of this situation, which would be a merger between companies that may end us up living in FL, all expenses paid, which would be great!!! But my husband feels as though because we're living here he's not taking care of us, that we should be enjoying our paychecks and not giving it all to bills, which I totally agree, but it's just not the way the world works, he's always so mad at the world. I say all this to give you some sort of insight on my life. I love my husband. I feel as though I have been wrong and cruel to him because I hadn't let go of my baggage before I met him. I love my son, and I've been cruel to him because I brought him into a situation that I wasn't particularly ready for. I want to finish school, I want to do alot of things, lose weight is top priority, but on friday I was sooooo depressed, and I didn't know why, I felt like I had no control over anything. :think I had 6 chocolate chip Cookies on friday. I don't think I'm an emotional eater, but maybe I am, maybe I try to take too much on. Maybe I brought this all on myself. I'm eating the right amount of calories for the most part but it's still more carbs and fat than Protein. I have to get a replacement card for my gym membership before I go back, and there's no one close to me to walk with, although I know these shouldn't be excuses but they're the ones that are flying through my mind right now. :help: I want to move to FL so bad but it seems as if it's not going to happen, although we won't know until the beginning of the year. I just want to get away from everyone and everything. I mean I know that new problems may arise and I may eat 6 more chocolate chip cookies, but I've been so good at resisting sweets, and now I throw it all away and I don't even know why. Today I had 3 more cookies, weren't as good as last night though, freshly made, warm and soft. I feel like a failure, and I hate it when I can't seem to cheer my husband up or when he takes the weight of the world and puts it on his own shoulders, and never wants to talk to me about what's wrong, just takes it out on us. I talk to him about this. I let him know that it isn't fair to us, and I'm his wife, I want to listen to what's bothering him. But I guess he feels he can make it work on his own. Sometimes I feel like I dont even matter to anyone. I've gotten so low with my self esteem that I dont even want to wear makeup or do my hair anymore, i need new clothes, although I haven't changed sizes yet, new shoes, new accessories. I used to care about those things, I also used to have my own money and no real debt to speak of. Sometimes I just wish that my ex still wanted me so I could rebuff him. Make him feel like he made me feel when he wanted my friend instead of having a life with me. We were young. I know, but when I told him that I dreamt he died on instant messenger one day just recently, he just put up an away message that pretty much said it's not gonna happen ever again. Which I know was directed to me. Still a jerk. I guess I just want to stick it to him, I want to be slim and trim so the next time he sees me strolling by and he's drooling I can just pick his lip up off the floor as I pass him holding hands with my hubby. Perfect dream. :heh: I've lost 11 lbs so far. My period came on finally since my surgery. So the scale stayed even this monday when I weighed myself. This coming monday, I'm afraid it'll tell a different tale. Anyone have any suggestions on how to eat healthy and within range on a serious budget, or just how to get me out of my funk? If you're still reading, I'm all ears.

:cry Sorry so long, but much needed.

Marcelle

Just want to let you know it's Monday and I'm here.....gonna read this now.

T, can you tell me what it says so I can be there for her too....Can't read the font is too small :phanvan

Hey that wasn't too bad.....trying to read small print, 2 personal phone calls, 1 job request, 2 more calls, a coworker talking and emails. Ok yeah...that's life.

(((((HUGGSSSS))))))) Let go of what you can let go of...guilt, other peoples negative comments, name calling, your girlfriend.... LOL, oh yeah your ex.

Your focus needs to be on loving you. You need to make time for you to breath, pray and give it to GOD and no don't take it back, just let him have it becuase he want's to help you. Time management is important in life, you have to prioritize what is important.......HOME, what's at home, you, baby and hubby. If you are cleaning, playing with the baby or playing with hubby, you are exercising.....the results of exercise less time to focus on unhappy things and pople and food.

Just my simple suggestions:

Smile when you don't feel like smiling.

Read Value in the Valley -Iyanla Vanzant (sp)

Tell yourself that you love you everyday 2 times a day

Give your husband a hug just in passing and tell him you love him (ego booster)

Join local church and be an active member

Join your local TOPS and be an active member

You and your husband...together....will get rid of the current debt but remember if you are living you are going to have some, which is ok.

Life is Short, enjoy it right now, this very moment, don't wait for other people because you just might miss out. A lot of people on 9-11 said they would start tomorrow and their tomorrow never came.

try making out a gaol list and work on one thing at a time.Start with the most simple and work your way down your list.You will feel proud of yourself for ever goal you achieve and this will motivate you to keep going.You should let the past be the past.When you start recalling all those feelings rell yourself back to the rpesnt with a motto.I used to tell myself as above"let the past be past"

Someone on here,i think Donali,once wrote that if you constantly let yourself feel bad feelings for your spouce you;ll start believing it but if you reverse those thoughts to loving ones you'll believe those eventually as well.This works well for anything.Like"i am a good person"as opposed to thinking badly of yourself"i am a failure"

These are just ideas,hope you can use some of it!

I also love this for meditation:

Please grant me the courage to change the things i can

The stength to accept the things i can't

and the wisdom to know the difference.

For your cousin.You tried to help her and she doesn;t want help right now.You have done your best by her and doesn;t seem like you need to feel bad.I wouldn;t lend her anymore$$.It's hard lending $ to family.I avoid it at al cost:)

Good luck!

sweetheart! ok, it's alright to say life sucks sometimes, because sometimes it does. I feel like I was in your place a while back, I just didn't know it. I didn't do anything, wore the same clothes over and over, no makeup, hair dirty and in a ponytail, and don't even get me started on the thoughts. It's depression. That's what it is. And there's no one who can make it better for you. I don't know what you need or really what to say except that we are all here for you. For me, I left my husband because it was an abusive relationship, went through a whole lot of drama, and now am finally feeling ok about myself and my life. THERAPY. I resisted at first, but I can't tell you how much it helps just to have someone to talk to about this stuff. And you have us. So, we will try to help the best we can. In my point of view, you seem to be depressed. there is a lot going on around you, of which you feel you have no control over. And that's the truth. But I will tell you what you have control over. You. Accepting yourself and forhiving yourself are 2 ways to start liking you. one - so you ate 6 cookies. Big f-in deal. I have eaten so many bad things since being banded, you'd be shocked. Guess what? So has everybody. It's part of the mental thing, being banded around your brain, not just your stomach. And that takes serious time and realization. And it goes back and forth. I've eaten cheesesteaks and large chocolate milkshakes, but in the end, I forgave myself. No one's perfect. It's easy to be hard on yourself, harder to tell yourself it's ok and you'll do better tomorrow. Two - I know it's hard right now, but the better you look, the better you feel about yourself. You may not feel like getting nicer clothes on or putting on makeup, but it is an instant booster for mood, even if it's just a little bit. Over time, you will really start to feel good on the inside, too. I had to force myself to do these things, but I can honestly say I am happy now. Sure, life still sucks sometimes, and I still feel fat a lot or eat something I shouldn't. We have to let go and let God. Or if you don't believe in that, just realize there are things you can control, and things you can't. Work on the things you can, and the rest will fall into place. The way you view yourself ultimately impacts how you deal with life. You can do it, we're all here for you and love you. I'll check back to see how you're doing. And it takes courage to be so honest and open about your life, it seems as though you're heading in the right direction already by acknowledging these things and asking for help. HUGS!!!!

Marcelle, I hope you don't mind, but I made your post a bigger font. It was a size 2! I hope more people will read it now.

********************************************************

I'm going to go kinda in depth with my life, and I'll let you know that before I begin this is a long story. I am 24 years old with a 2 year old son, i've had obesity issues all of my life, and that is the god honest truth. I have a husband, whom I adore, and a past I can't seem to stop thinking about. My first love, he was a sweeitie and a jerk, I contribute that to being young. I was totally in love with him. Almost every first a young girl could have was with him. I loved him so much that I was just awfully depressed when we broke up. In college we had on and off intimate relationships, brief ones or should I say affairs since he was already involved. With a good friend of mine after we went off to college. I was with him from 8th grade until I guess my junior year of college. My family as always been on me about my weight. I've been called everything from baby whale, to miss piggy, but I'm not blaming them for my weight problem.:straight Please don't get me wrong. After my last episode with my high school sweetheart, I met my husband, a year later married him and 6 months after that had our first child. I love him and my son, but I feel as though I was totally selfish about the whole ordeal. I moved too quickly on the relationship and marriage just to get my ex out of my system, which I was unsuccessful with until recently, I had my son just to get out of school, well just the school I hated, which my mother wouldn't let me leave. Just recently I got into it big with my closest cousin, we're the same age only she's 1 month older. She relies totally on government assistance to get her where she is, she's made countless mistakes in her life and I'm always trying to help her, always trying to lend her helpful advice, but she never takes it. She has 3 kids, 8, 7,and recently a 2 month old all boys. She suckered a guy who already had kids into getting her pregnant. Pressured him into marrying him. Don't get me wrong he has problems too, I mean we all do, they're just a little nuttier than most. Anyway, she asked me for $ to help her pay a BGE bill, me thinking of the kids gave her the $ on the promise that she would repay it the next day. I don't know why I fell for that okie doke knowing that the girl doesnt work anywhere to be able to pay me the $, but I had just taken her to david's bridal to try to find her a $99 wedding dress since she was so intent on getting married the following week, needless to say she didn't give me my money claiming that she was waiting on someone else to pay her that "owed" her money. I ended up having to track the girl down and retrieve my $, because there was no telling if I would see it if I hadn't. Anyway she accused me of going behind her back and started cursing me out, so I got ignorant right with her. I wanted the $ back because I had to do something to my car and I wanted to get her a wedding gift but she didn't care, My account ended up being overdrawn, and now we're not speaking, she just recently moved to Westminister, I don't know where, and right now I don't want to know. But I do feel terrible about the whole thing. I feel like no matter what I've done for her and no matter how much I've struggled as a result of helping her, she doesn't care, and I'm truly and deeply hurt. My husband of course is upset because he feels she cheated the system for everything she has and doesn't appreciate what we do for her. She says he disrespected her and doesn't know her like that and I should have put him in his place. He was trying to calm the situation down, but it got out of hand and they started yelling at one another. Not to mention my husband is a total pessimist. We were living beyond our means in the townhouse we were renting, so we've abandoned our lease ( i know not the smartest idea) and came to live over my late grandmother's house which my uncle owns. He does no home improvements only is seen when rent is due. I live with my other uncles and my uncle/landlord's brother in law, whom we think pays no rent, My food gets eaten, no one cleans when they cook, it's ridiculous. We're neck high in debt, and there may only be one ray of hope for us getting out of this situation, which would be a merger between companies that may end us up living in FL, all expenses paid, which would be great!!! But my husband feels as though because we're living here he's not taking care of us, that we should be enjoying our paychecks and not giving it all to bills, which I totally agree, but it's just not the way the world works, he's always so mad at the world. I say all this to give you some sort of insight on my life. I love my husband. I feel as though I have been wrong and cruel to him because I hadn't let go of my baggage before I met him. I love my son, and I've been cruel to him because I brought him into a situation that I wasn't particularly ready for. I want to finish school, I want to do alot of things, lose weight is top priority, but on friday I was sooooo depressed, and I didn't know why, I felt like I had no control over anything. :think I had 6 chocolate chip Cookies on friday. I don't think I'm an emotional eater, but maybe I am, maybe I try to take too much on. Maybe I brought this all on myself. I'm eating the right amount of calories for the most part but it's still more carbs and fat than Protein. I have to get a replacement card for my gym membership before I go back, and there's no one close to me to walk with, although I know these shouldn't be excuses but they're the ones that are flying through my mind right now. :help: I want to move to FL so bad but it seems as if it's not going to happen, although we won't know until the beginning of the year. I just want to get away from everyone and everything. I mean I know that new problems may arise and I may eat 6 more chocolate chip cookies, but I've been so good at resisting sweets, and now I throw it all away and I don't even know why. Today I had 3 more cookies, weren't as good as last night though, freshly made, warm and soft. I feel like a failure, and I hate it when I can't seem to cheer my husband up or when he takes the weight of the world and puts it on his own shoulders, and never wants to talk to me about what's wrong, just takes it out on us. I talk to him about this. I let him know that it isn't fair to us, and I'm his wife, I want to listen to what's bothering him. But I guess he feels he can make it work on his own. Sometimes I feel like I dont even matter to anyone. I've gotten so low with my self esteem that I dont even want to wear makeup or do my hair anymore, i need new clothes, although I haven't changed sizes yet, new shoes, new accessories. I used to care about those things, I also used to have my own money and no real debt to speak of. Sometimes I just wish that my ex still wanted me so I could rebuff him. Make him feel like he made me feel when he wanted my friend instead of having a life with me. We were young. I know, but when I told him that I dreamt he died on instant messenger one day just recently, he just put up an away message that pretty much said it's not gonna happen ever again. Which I know was directed to me. Still a jerk. I guess I just want to stick it to him, I want to be slim and trim so the next time he sees me strolling by and he's drooling I can just pick his lip up off the floor as I pass him holding hands with my hubby. Perfect dream. :heh: I've lost 11 lbs so far. My period came on finally since my surgery. So the scale stayed even this monday when I weighed myself. This coming monday, I'm afraid it'll tell a different tale. Anyone have any suggestions on how to eat healthy and within range on a serious budget, or just how to get me out of my funk? If you're still reading, I'm all ears.

:cry Sorry so long, but much needed.

Marcelle