Hi everyone! I have a question that is really hard and I could use some advice. Just a background I have 2 kids 6 and 3 and I have been married for 8 years but have been together since I was 20 and I am now 34. Our relationsship has always been rocky, very hot and cold and he has always been very jealous and moody. We are also from two different cultures so this may add to our differences. Well two years ago I started talking to an ex and we carried ona four month friendship (emotioanl affair) and talked frequently. We did kiss but there was no sex. My husband found aout about it and all hell broke lose. After that he became very physically abusive and I stayed b/c I felt that I deserved it after the pain I had caused him. I immediately stopped the friendship with this other person and have not spoken to him since. My husband and I went to marriage counseling and it did not help and we stopped after a few times. I kept going to see someone on my own. It is two years later and the physical abuse seems to have died down as it was a once in awhile thing but evertytime we have an arguement now or if I am upset with something it is back to what I did two years ago. I feel so sad and depressed and I am trying to focus on caring for myself and having lap band and getting healthy. I have been putting my all in the relationship and my hubby is hot and cold one day great and the next day evil to me. I am so sad for my kids if the marriage ends and I think that is a big part as to why I have put up with it. Please help me figure this out????

I'm sorry you are going through this. Having had a friend go through this, the only answer i see is LEAVE. An abusive relationship is no place for any person being a woman or a man, not to mention the children. People might say leave for the kids, but i say leave for yourself. Will it be hard? Hell yeah, that's along time to be with someone and the thought of starting on your own with 2 kids in tow, is down right scary. BUT, once you've settled yourself on your own, begun to heal, will you find a happy place. And your children will see that, they will thrive off of your courage and strength and will to succeed. I would say, do not rush into another relationship but learn to do this by yourself, with help from family/close friends, but then you know that no matter what happens down the road, you can support yourself & be responsible for your own happiness. Take control and do what you need to do for you. It sounds like you've thought this out and are just unsure of taking that first step. You have given this relationship enough chances and it's time to get out before you kids only see you in a cemetery & dad in jail. Harsh? yes. Reality? Possibly.

Good luck

Hi everyone! I have a question that is really hard and I could use some advice. Just a background I have 2 kids 6 and 3 and I have been married for 8 years but have been together since I was 20 and I am now 34. Our relationsship has always been rocky, very hot and cold and he has always been very jealous and moody. We are also from two different cultures so this may add to our differences. Well two years ago I started talking to an ex and we carried ona four month friendship (emotioanl affair) and talked frequently. We did kiss but there was no sex. My husband found aout about it and all hell broke lose. After that he became very physically abusive and I stayed b/c I felt that I deserved it after the pain I had caused him. I immediately stopped the friendship with this other person and have not spoken to him since. My husband and I went to marriage counseling and it did not help and we stopped after a few times. I kept going to see someone on my own. It is two years later and the physical abuse seems to have died down as it was a once in awhile thing but evertytime we have an arguement now or if I am upset with something it is back to what I did two years ago. I feel so sad and depressed and I am trying to focus on caring for myself and having lap band and getting healthy. I have been putting my all in the relationship and my hubby is hot and cold one day great and the next day evil to me. I am so sad for my kids if the marriage ends and I think that is a big part as to why I have put up with it. Please help me figure this out????

Wow great answer Tami! Kids, even little ones are watching what mommy and daddy do . . . you have to set a good example and taking abuse it not right for you or them. I would say leave and then if you wanted to do counseling you can still live in a safe enviroment and meet him there.

Some people can forgive but they never forget. He might not be one who will let you forget. I sometimes wonder if that happened in our marriage (30 years) if I could truly forgive, I know I would never forget. It would be the hardest thing I could ever do. But you have to forgive yourself for messing up and maybe move on. Take care of yourself and kids.

Cheri

So sorry you are going through this but it doesn't really benefit the kids to stay. You are the heart and soul of the family and you deserve to be happy and your kids deserve to have a happy momma. You made a mistake, but physical abuse is never an appropriate punishment. Do you think its okay for your kids to be physically abused for their mistakes? You are just as deserving as they are. It sounds like you have given your all to trying to make it work and now you need to do what's best for yourself and your kids.

Is he still physically abusive now?

What's his relationship with the kids like?

Do you still love him?

What is he like the rest of the time?

I would have to say last physical outburst was about sept. It seems to cycle about every 3 months to an episode and then the regret and the i an sorry and i love you. It is never punching but more so holding me down, trying to force me to have sex, things of that nature. I have had bruises in the past but on my legs ..never my face he is too smart for that. It also always happen in the middle of the night when the kids are asleep and i dont want to wake them up or leave the house and cause drama like calling the cops. He is for the most part a good father but he can be rouh with them also like old school discipline which i dont agree with and he knows it. he will not hit them b/c of my belied but he will pinch, pull a piece of hair things like that. My older child loved him but lately does not want to be home with him he wants me or my mom to be home and says all he does is yell and fight with the kids. He is a good provider and at times he can be very wonderful. HE will buy me things tell me how beautiful I am and act like things are great. His moods are so up and down and i feel that this relationship has been emotionally abusive since the start...which is not that it is right but lead up to me talking to someone else. I never felt cared about or fully worthy. I know my own self esteem issues. I dont know if i love him anymore b/c i am so angry with what he has done to me. Now that I am not medicating myself with food anymore it is getting harder to deal with the feelings and the anger and it is spilling out. I try to love him and the anger gets in the way. If he is in a good mood and i go along with it things can be great but if he is in a bad mood the whole house senses and feels it. I did ask my son the other day how he would feel if mommy and daddy lived in seperate places and he said that he would be very upset b/c he wants us all together and that would not be a"normal" family. It is so hard.

Thanks for the reply. A couple more questions. You wrote that you tried marriage counseling but stopped after a couple of times.

Why did you stop going? Why was it not working?

Does your husband have any emotional issues not related to your marriage? The mood swings you write of, are these just in the way he treats you or reflective of his life in general.

Finally, does your husband agree that your marriage has issues the two of you need to work out, or is he in total denial about all this?

Well after we went to counseling the therapist decided she was not getting anywhere with the two of us together b/c my husband was so stuck on the me talking to the other guy and still did not stop his abusive tactics. So he saw her a few times on his own and then stopped b/c he said he was too busty with work and i started seeing another therapist on my own. HE does not believe in counseling and does not want ot go back I have asked him. HE knows our marriage has issues and he always says he knows how to and that he will fix it himself and that he knows what he has to do (obvioulsy not) He is a moody person in general and he is towards everyone ...his family knows he is crazy also .......he will never go on any meds if needed and will never see someone about it. It is not in his beliefs.

Last question.

How do you think he would feel about losing you? Does he know you have thoughts of leaving?

I honestly know that he would be lost without me I do so much for him and the kids to the point where it is probabloy ridiculous. But I haver told him beofre that if this does not stop I wil be leaving and I think he just does not believe it. I think he thinks he has me b/c of the money fears not having his salary and mainly b/c of the children. One day he will tell me you have to do what you have to do if you are going to leave and then another be hugging me and telling me he would never let me leave b/c he loves me so much. It depends on the day:(

I honestly know that he would be lost without me I do so much for him and the kids to the point where it is probabloy ridiculous. But I haver told him beofre that if this does not stop I wil be leaving and I think he just does not believe it. I think he thinks he has me b/c of the money fears not having his salary and mainly b/c of the children. One day he will tell me you have to do what you have to do if you are going to leave and then another be hugging me and telling me he would never let me leave b/c he loves me so much. It depends on the day:(

The red flag that hit me was the statement that he would never "let" you leave because he loves you so much. Ummmm.....control. Sounds like he is the type of person that likes to have the upper hand. Controls you with physical abuse, his moods and verbal control. I would be finding a therapist just for you if he is not willing to work on these issues. You need someone to guide you to making the right decision for you and your children.

The red flag that hit me was the statement that he would never "let" you leave because he loves you so much. Ummmm.....control. Sounds like he is the type of person that likes to have the upper hand. Controls you with physical abuse, his moods and verbal control. I would be finding a therapist just for you if he is not willing to work on these issues. You need someone to guide you to making the right decision for you and your children.

I have been seeing a therapist and she does try to guide me but she also undertstands that it is such a difficult situation that she does not try to make the deision for me. I guess the guilt is really keeping me down and my low self esteem and he knows that and uses it to his advantage. Like I said he is not all bad but I am feeling like there should not be such a price for the good times. When know i dont even feel the good times b/c there is so much anger and pain all day every day Oh and yes he is very controlling and i was never allowed to have male friends since we got together i mean we do not even have couple friends that is why i think he flipped when i was talking to the other guy. I cant feel guilty forever and let this hold me down

I have been seeing a therapist and she does try to guide me but she also undertstands that it is such a difficult situation that she does not try to make the deision for me. I guess the guilt is really keeping me down and my low self esteem and he knows that and uses it to his advantage. Like I said he is not all bad but I am feeling like there should not be such a price for the good times. When know i dont even feel the good times b/c there is so much anger and pain all day every day Oh and yes he is very controlling and i was never allowed to have male friends since we got together i mean we do not even have couple friends that is why i think he flipped when i was talking to the other guy. I cant feel guilty forever and let this hold me down

I feel for you and the struggles you are going through...especially wanting to stay for your children and the good times. But, if those bad times outweigh the good, it's time to take a really good look at how this affects your children. Children can be very protective of their mother and it is sending the wrong message to them that you are putting up with his treatment towards you.

It is so important to recognize ahead of time if you feel physically or emotionally unsafe (your children's safety also) and to pull yourself out of the situation. Have a plan. Check out your options ahead of time so you have some place to go should the necessity arise. Easy to judge not being in your situation. Just keep in mind....a person does not have the right to lay a hand on another person. To belittle them or to force sex upon them. Clear case of abuse and he needs to be held accountable for his actions.

Wishing for you strength as you deal with these huge life decisions. Hugs

WOW - you have no idea how so much of what you have said reminds me of me just a few years ago!!! I too was married interracially to a man for 27 years with 2 wonderful kids. I am by no means saying that I was perfect either but I can definitely say that his bad far outweighed mine!! I had no intentions of ever leaving him and was content with just going along with the bad so that our little family would be together. We had some good days and some very very bad days.....I can remember like you being forced to have sex constantly and being called so many terrible names that I could not begin to repeat them. On the outside we looked like a very happy family and we had all of the luxuries that we needed in order to be very comfortable. My husband refused to allow me as well to interact with other men and we had no couple friends either. I devoted all of my time to working and my family. Oh yes, he had his friends and who knows what else he had. He would not hesitate to argue and curse profusely in front of my kids ...calling me the worst!! We would sometimes stay up so late that I would not go to sleep before I had to work. Finally I suppose a light went off and I had to get out...well I must admit that he treid to have a relationship with my best friend's (from work) daughter ...she was 18 at the time and she was the one that told on him!! . Of course he denied it but he refused to talk about it also to me or to my friend and her husband and daughter. I was in total shock and I decided at that moment I would never be subjected to such humiliation and way of life. My kids still lived at home at the time and so they knew that it was best. I left 3 days later ...I gave him most of everything and I moved into an apartment and I have never looked back. He did have a very hard life as a child and he drank and did drugs many years but he also supposedly changed and went to church when I was with him. Now he has a liver disease and is drinking and doing drugs very heavy and has no type of relationship with his kids. He lost his new vehicle which I helped to purchase and is now riding the bus because the 1980 truck he has is currently broke down!! He does have a new girlfriend which also drinks and drugs with him. I was very fortunate that my children was grown when all of this happened but believe me leaving someone after 27 years is never easy no matter when it happens. I am 48 years old and I look back at the years I wasted with him and I wonder what I was holding on to??? My kids would have been so much better without his anger and I know that I would have been too. He never mistreated the kids but his ways was definitely very crazy!! From the day I have gotten myself out of theat situation life has truly been so much brighter for me. I met a very special man and we have a very good relationship. I just got my lapband surgery Tuesday and I know that I will feel so much more positive about myself as well as my health being better.

I am not telling you to get out but I am saying that you need to take a good hard look at your relationship and remember what life was like before you was in the realtionship with him. If nothing else having your peace of mind back is more important than anything. Believe me your kids see things in you and your husband that you could never imagine. My children say that they wish I would have left their Father many many years ago when they where little.....I wish I had too!!!

I'm a little late to this post but for me abuse is never, ever acceptable. If I were you I would leave him. I know it's a hard choice but once you leave him and get settled in with your kiddos you will be in a much happier state.

((HUGS))

I am very late in the response to your question and perhaps unwelcome as a male in this issue. I'll just say it there is NO excuse for physical or mental abuse in a marriage. Please consider leaving as soon as possible. The "I'll never let you go" comment scares the hell out of me cause too many contoling spouses (male and female) have in the past made the choice to kill thier spouses and the children to "save them from the pain".

I grew up in a home that had violence both ways more often than I care to remember. It made quite an impression on me and I vowed to never be like that even if I get hurt I don't lash out. I am happily married now for 47 years and we never hit each other and if we fight, we fight fair without lobbing unrelated personal attacks and sticking to the issue(s) that are bothering us. Some we resolved, some we lived with and MOST turned out to not be that important as time passed. I don't think we have fought more than 5-6 times since we have been married because we talk to each other and we are both sensitive the each others feelings. We make it clear that we respect each others opinions and always consult each other on big issues, epsecially in how our money is spent. If we had resorted to personal invictives then I think we wouldn't have stayed together this long. But hey thats just us. It's sad but it seems that some folks confuse love with power and domination over another.

At any rate, having had two daughters who both, unbeknownst to me, had abusive boyfriends and they put up with it "cause I Loved Him" and gave me the the Ol' "You wouldn't have understood" lines. This happened in thier 20's and they are amazed how wise I became by the time they reached thier 30's. Mind you they didn't let me know about it then cause had I known I WOULD have confronted these Bozo's. It made me feel really nice when they both said that they were looking for relationships like my wife and I share. But it also saddened me that they put up with this after living and observing an example of a good partnership. My wife and I aren't saints but we work at our marraige and I love her as much now as I did when love was new and shiney. It can still shine if it gets buffed with love and respect.

Final thought is You Deserve Respect and have the right to be treated in a kind, loving manner...especially from your husband. Of course you must also respect yourself enough to say NO to this abuse. He's the one you made vows with and no excuses for cultural differences should be tollerated.

I am sorry if my butting in was out of line or is unwelcome but, Jesus help us, the "I'll never LET you go" thing really screamed danger to me. Take care and continue to ask your counselor for help but don't stay for money or the kids missing thier dad. They would miss thier Mom a lot more.