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Hi everyone, Its early in the morning on Thanksgiving, four days before surgery and I wanted to check in because I owe it to myself to be honest about how I am feeling. I am struggling, not with the decision I made to have surgery, but the truth about the challenges I am facing moving forward. I started to ask if anyone had challenges with their pre-op diet, but I know the answer to that question does not matter because I am. I feel a little silenced or maybe ashamed because if I admit to my family I am scared and self-sabotaging then I will be forced to ask myself if I am doing the right thing. I was doing well with the pre-op diet until two days ago...Tuesday. I have a form of anemia that makes it difficult for me to absorb iron through food. I noticed I have increasingly more tired and I found out Saturday my iron levels are low again, 6 months after my last iron infusion, and a part of me feared that I would need to post-pone surgery for another round or go in early for blood transfusions. In meeting with me hematologist late Tuesday afternoon, he told me I did not have to do either and since they draw blood every day in the hospital, they could do a blood transfusion there if necessary. I have been through a lot healthwise, many surgeries (8), including a gastric sleeve six years ago. The irony is I stepped on the scale and I was the exact weight I was, 368 lbs before surgery in 2013 and although I had a great deal of success the first time, but then as I said in my story life happened. Even though the weight itself was shocking because I felt like I failed in only losing 4 pounds during the first week of my pre-op diet, I don't think panic really set in until I met with the check out receptionist. We were talking and laughing about my relief of not needing to delay my surgery....then without knowing it, she dropped a bomb on me that I did not really recognize how much it affected me until this morning. When I said I was having a second sleeve, which I had gotten over the embarrassment of admitting, she told me that she had a friend who had her third sleeve some time ago, and she had not seen or heard from her since. My gut reaction was - hell no, no way I am doing this a third time, but in the back of my mind, I began to wonder. Am I ready...will I be successful...is this worth it to go back a third time....then finally, maybe her friend died after her last surgery. The reality is the cavalier way Miss 'size 10' talked about her struggles in what she described as ballooning due to a medication, my guess is that her friend decided she was not the right person to share her struggles with. I cannot even remember he name but I already regret sharing mine. I am aware of how desperately I battled depression, how I came back from the brink after two suicide attempts after surviving a horrifying violet attack, and I was grateful to be at the point ready to have surgery. Then I came home and started self-sabotaging. I am not sure it was intentional, but I was extremely exhausted and had two doctors appointments that day and had missed two of my shakes. I had larger meal, not like before, but enough to make me horribly sick. I had not eaten any basic carbs in more than a week. Yesterday I was so fatigued, had burning pain in my knee from an old injury, but since it is too late to take NSAIDS, I used flexeril, which made me feel even more out of it. Yesterday, I still felt out of control and had half of hoagie, which then made me feel worse about myself. My normal unconscious reaction was to head for my go-to foods, SUGAR, thankfully not an ounce of it existed in the house, except for fruit. I took two (non-benzo) anxiety pills and took a nap. I reached out to my surgeon and asked if I now had to change my surgery schedule. He calmly told me no and to just use the pre-op diet to get back on track. This morning (well technically middle of the night) I woke up and realized all week I have been looking for signs I was making the wrong decision. My nutritionist had given me this negative self-talk wheel that I really forgot about even though it is stuck to my bulletin. When I looked at it, my behavior patterns started to make sense. The truth is I am scared, and I need to give myself permission to feel that and grieve. Its Thanksgiving and fortunately, I am not cooking and will not be around a lot of food. For the past few years, I have been a part of big Thanksgiving celebrations, due to emotional struggles, but my adult daughter usually brings me something from her dad and his family celebrations. This morning I woke up and realized how much of my life I have missed out on living in a prison that I not only created, but am the warden who locked away the key to release myself. I want to start living again and not just existing. I know what to expect and that having the surgery will not take away my problems. It is just one tool in my journey to health and better living. Today, I am thankful for the opportunity to begin losing the pounds of pain I have carried for far too long. I needed the last two days to remind that this journey is not going to be easy, but it will take a conscious effort every day to choose to strive for a healthier life for me. Hopefully, this time next year I can look back on how I feel today and we thankful I made it to the other side. Thank you for sharing this journey with me, Mya

I go on Monday 12/2 for my 2 week follow up. I was checked for infections via urine and blood test and X-rays , all clear. So idk... Maybe my body is just taking longer to recover ? No clue. I don't have pain associated with it and I'm not dehydrated at all. So that's a plus. Happy Thanksgiving!

Yay, Jake H! You RAWK!

Yep, that's it. Make sure you're also adding in your protein shakes and lots of water. I think that's why you're being hungry. Try drinking 64 oz of water all day every day, trust me, you won't have an appetite. Good luck!

Yes, this is helpful information.

yes - that sounds about right. And no - you won't feel full or satisfied for awhile. For one thing, your nerves were cut, and it takes them awhile to heal. For another, liquids go right through you. Once you're a month or so out and start eating solid food, you'll feel your restriction. In the meantime, just follow your surgeon's plan.