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Today I had an "ah-ha" moment. It took 4 years, but I think I get it! It was triggered by this before photo popping up in my facebook memories from 5 years ago, (coupled with my most recent post-op photo taken last week, down 120 pounds since surgery in 2013). (attached below) ....And then reading the following quote on a friend's post: "Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were in the first place." I've struggled for years since losing the weight after surgery with questions of "is this the 'real' me, or am I just pretending and the 'real' 'fat' me will resurface sooner or later?" "Can people really change long-term?" It felt like the obese, sad, self-hating "me" was a monster waiting just below the surface to re-emerge. Give enough time and the right circumstances, the "real me" monster will rear it's head and I'll find myself back at nearly 300 pounds. Guys! I get it now! It's not about change. It's not about the "sticking power" of change. It's not about willpower or determination. It's not even about counting carbs, protein, calories, and ounces of water. Sure those are tools that help. But it's not about that. It's about doing the hard emotional work to figure out why I was hiding myself behind 150 excess pounds. It was about allowing myself to have a voice and using it. It was about demanding self-respect and respect from others. It was about leaving behind, painfully as it was in some cases, the toxic people in my life who emotionally damaged me. It was about processing the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel for 18 years. Once I realized this, once I did this work, I could little by little shed the layers that hid who I was. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not even angry at myself for letting myself get to be 300 pounds like I was when my journey started. I realize now that I was coping. I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I look at that person in the "before" picture below and I feel compassion because I know she did her best. I'm able now to let go the "fear" - and trust me, it's a literal fear - of that "real me" monster re-emerging from just below the surface. I can let it go because I realize, this is the real me. It was actually opposite. It was all the hiding I was doing under the emotional eating and the 150 excess pounds that was hiding the "real me." So I have to on some level disagree with those who say this is a process of change. Sure, you have to change your behavioral choices with food and exercise or none of this will work. But for me it was not "becoming a new person" or "changing" who I am as a person. For me it was about simply allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to return home to who I was before I was hurt and who the universe intends me to be. Feel free to check out my blog linked in my signature for more of my journey!

I feel like crying guys! What an amazing journey of discovering myself and learning how to love me again [emoji173]

I can't believe it guys! I really can't! I am seriously crying tears of joy. When I started this process I was 540 pounds (I'm 5'10) and I wore a size 36/38. As a lot of you know I had my panniculectomy on June 5th and they removed 15 pounds of skin. Before my panniculectomy I wore a size 22 bottom and 14/16-18/20 top. I had bought smaller sized pants before my surgery because most of my pants were held up by my extra skin flap. Guys...I fit into a size EIGHTEEN!!! And I look super good!! I'm attaching some before and after pictures for you guys to enjoy! I can't believe this is real life! My stomach is flat!! (Please excuse my one drain in my one picture!)

The first and last love is to love yourself! Never in a million years did I ever picture myself wearing such dress. I loved it and how I felt in it. Amazing feeling to experience. When your confident in each step, it shows and it attracts so many good things. One of the most memorable days of my life [emoji813]️

It's been a great year, and I wouldn't trade it for anything! Down a total of 221 pounds!!

HW: 282 CW: 198 Goal: 160

50 all together counting pre op diet, my doc was shocked.. I am to yesterday was my birthday.. And my weight loss was my greatest gift!!.. I sent this pic to my mom she was so shocker my face has slimmed down alot!!/& I have a neck now lol happy Sent from my Z981 using BariatricPal mobile app

I am a little less than three months out and am down 40 lbs from my highest weight!! Only 100 to go! Left pic is at highest weight, right is last weekend. HW 285.8 SW 272.8 CW 246.4 GW 140 Sleeved 11/23

My heaviest weight was 370. In 2010 I had the band installed (such a mistake, waste of time, money and effort IMO) March 10th, 2018 at my Pre-Surgical check in I was 310. March 21st, 2018 at check in for surgery I was 294.4. I had the band removed and revised to the bypass. Today, January 23rd, 2019. 308 days after surgery... I hit a number that I haven't seen in more than 20 years Onederland. I'm down 95 lbs since surgery, 110.6 lbs from pre-surgical. And a staggering 170.6 lbs from my heaviest weight. I need to thank so many people that if I tried, I'd forget someone and then we'd start with the hard feelings. So I'll go with this. Thank you. If you've helped me through this in any way, shape, or form, Thank you.

Someone asked the normal "have you lost weight?" I responded yes and she said "did you mean to?" um....well....actually no, I was hoping to stay fat but 130 lbs just fell off accidentally!