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Today I had an "ah-ha" moment. It took 4 years, but I think I get it! It was triggered by this before photo popping up in my facebook memories from 5 years ago, (coupled with my most recent post-op photo taken last week, down 120 pounds since surgery in 2013). (attached below) ....And then reading the following quote on a friend's post: "Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were in the first place." I've struggled for years since losing the weight after surgery with questions of "is this the 'real' me, or am I just pretending and the 'real' 'fat' me will resurface sooner or later?" "Can people really change long-term?" It felt like the obese, sad, self-hating "me" was a monster waiting just below the surface to re-emerge. Give enough time and the right circumstances, the "real me" monster will rear it's head and I'll find myself back at nearly 300 pounds. Guys! I get it now! It's not about change. It's not about the "sticking power" of change. It's not about willpower or determination. It's not even about counting carbs, protein, calories, and ounces of water. Sure those are tools that help. But it's not about that. It's about doing the hard emotional work to figure out why I was hiding myself behind 150 excess pounds. It was about allowing myself to have a voice and using it. It was about demanding self-respect and respect from others. It was about leaving behind, painfully as it was in some cases, the toxic people in my life who emotionally damaged me. It was about processing the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel for 18 years. Once I realized this, once I did this work, I could little by little shed the layers that hid who I was. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not even angry at myself for letting myself get to be 300 pounds like I was when my journey started. I realize now that I was coping. I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I look at that person in the "before" picture below and I feel compassion because I know she did her best. I'm able now to let go the "fear" - and trust me, it's a literal fear - of that "real me" monster re-emerging from just below the surface. I can let it go because I realize, this is the real me. It was actually opposite. It was all the hiding I was doing under the emotional eating and the 150 excess pounds that was hiding the "real me." So I have to on some level disagree with those who say this is a process of change. Sure, you have to change your behavioral choices with food and exercise or none of this will work. But for me it was not "becoming a new person" or "changing" who I am as a person. For me it was about simply allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to return home to who I was before I was hurt and who the universe intends me to be. Feel free to check out my blog linked in my signature for more of my journey!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on this app. I just want to say to everyone post wls, you are successful. Take this journey and make it your own. Be selfish. Put yourself and your health first. Hold yourself accountable and trust the process. Surgery doesn’t make the emotional eating goes away. It doesn’t make it bad to eat those things that aren’t healthy. I fell into that trap of thinking I was exempt and could slide by. But I got myself together and I began to focus on healthy living. I hope this picture inspires you to go forth and become a more healthier you. Take advantage of this new lease on life. Envision how you want your journey to be and make it happen. HW: 399 SW: 385 CW: 168

I feel like crying guys! What an amazing journey of discovering myself and learning how to love me again [emoji173]

Weighed in 278.4 day of surgery, 178.4 this morning. Sleeved 8/1 so just a bit over 10 months out. Also, I'm officially out of the "overweight" BMI range. (my info says 25 but BMI calc says I'm justttt under it) 8/1 (surgery) - 1/18 (about halfway between then and now) - 6/11 (today!) I'm 8.4lbs away from my initial goal but I think I might adjust to 150. Trying to get some kind of body fat testing done per suggestions in a thread I posted earlier this week so I can get a better idea of what's fat and what's skin.

The first and last love is to love yourself! Never in a million years did I ever picture myself wearing such dress. I loved it and how I felt in it. Amazing feeling to experience. When your confident in each step, it shows and it attracts so many good things. One of the most memorable days of my life [emoji813]️

It's been a great year, and I wouldn't trade it for anything! Down a total of 221 pounds!!

I am a little less than three months out and am down 40 lbs from my highest weight!! Only 100 to go! Left pic is at highest weight, right is last weekend. HW 285.8 SW 272.8 CW 246.4 GW 140 Sleeved 11/23

My heaviest weight was 370. In 2010 I had the band installed (such a mistake, waste of time, money and effort IMO) March 10th, 2018 at my Pre-Surgical check in I was 310. March 21st, 2018 at check in for surgery I was 294.4. I had the band removed and revised to the bypass. Today, January 23rd, 2019. 308 days after surgery... I hit a number that I haven't seen in more than 20 years Onederland. I'm down 95 lbs since surgery, 110.6 lbs from pre-surgical. And a staggering 170.6 lbs from my heaviest weight. I need to thank so many people that if I tried, I'd forget someone and then we'd start with the hard feelings. So I'll go with this. Thank you. If you've helped me through this in any way, shape, or form, Thank you.

One thing I've noticed reading this board for a while, is that we've all got a lot of valuable insight. Some amazing success stories here. Some amazing works in progress. Really good people with some terrific advice. But we all have a lot of prejudices, too, about what works and what doesn't, and what would really help people if they only listened! LOL And there is nothing quite like being on a stall, or being hungry, or learning to cope without your favorite lifelong coping mechanism....to make you grouchy and indignant about why people stubbornly won't listen. Can we agree that not even the doctors have this crap figured out to any kind of consensus? Some of us have had terrific success with eating keto. Some of us eat a buttload of carbs and do great. Some of us are exercise maniacs. Some of us are working hard to get to 5000 steps a day. Some of us won't touch a taboo empty calorie treat food...because it's a slippery slope that shouldn't be tempted. Some of us feel the need to master eating taboo foods in moderation to prove that we are in control and have "conquered" food. Some of us eat 600 calories a day. Some of us eat 1200 a day. Some of us are ok with moderately consuming alcohol. Some of us are not. Some of us are horrified by artificial sweeteners. Some of us use them by the boatload. And here's the really shocking part: People in BOTH CAMPS on all of these points...have been doing really well. How cool is that? The more I listen to all the different stories, the more convinced I am that there are a LOT of ways up this mountain. (Also cool!) Here's another interesting question... What's success? For some folks, success is having a low normal BMI, and being an athlete. For some folks, success is fitting a certain size, looking a certain way, feeling attractive, getting perfect plastics and looking like a model at the end. For some folks, success is hitting some other goal. Being able to fit in an airplane seat, Being able to play with kids and be active. For some folks, success is getting diabetes and blood pressure and other health concerns under control. For some folks, success is weighing under 200 pounds and not sweating it much beyond that. For some folks, success is being mobile, being independent, going back to work, and being able to take care of themselves. There are a lot of different versions of what success looks like. And not everyone's gonna want the same thing. What your group of doctors says....I guarantee you....will not be anything like what another group of doctors says. There are no hard fast answers about what works and what doesn't. What we've got...are a lot of valuable personal experiences with a LOT of different programs. All worth sharing. But no one has THE answer for everyone:) Sometimes I hear....but what about the newbies? Don't we owe it to them to set a good example? No, we really don't. We owe them our honesty. And we owe them the credit they deserve...to do their homework, read a LOT of stuff, consider all the various opinions about everything.... and figure out what they believe and what works for them:) Just my $.02 Opinions...as always....will vary:)