I am sure it is terribly unfashionable but I am having a existential crisis!! I know I have depression and that can make me contemplate my, rather ample, navel more that is healthy. But at the moment I just dont get it. What is the point of it all?? Why are we here? Is life just all this superficial bulldust they show on tv or something more? And, if it is something more, how do I know which something it is? All I seem to know is what it is not about...

Life is not about (in my experience):

* pleasure

* beauty

* family

* god

* goddess

* love

* learning

* discipline

* sex

* money

* self-awareness

* karma

* success

So what is it? I feel like I am doing all I can to make it through the day. I am highly medicated and have a supportive husband, but I am not 'living', I am not even 'existing' which seems a rather passive term, but I am clawing and screaming just to make it to the end of the day alive and I find that, all too soon, I wake up only to have to face it all over again.

I dont understand it, any of it, why does life hurt so much and how on earth can I learn how to live, when living holds no joy for me. Well, at least no joy that is beyond the fleeting variety.

I know I am searching for meaning - but I am finding nothingness.

Loulou,

It's about 'existing' until we learn how to live. I pray that you do realize that you are having an awful dip in your depression. I hope that you seek the help you need from your doctor. That's not what you need to hear right now, but as my friend here on the boards, if I could I would be taking you to see a doctor, even if it meant going to the hospital to do so. Go ahead and get angry with me, I can take it. I truly know this is not what you wanted to hear, but rather, what you need to hear. I know the black pit of depression and have known it since I was only 12 years old. I know what I am talking about. Because you are so heavily medicated, perhaps the meds need to be changed, what you are taking right now does not appear to working for you to well.

Promise me that you will at least call your doctor TODAY!!! Please and let your husband and other loved ones know how you are feeling. The worst thing in the world for you to do right now is isolate yourself. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! There are alot of people who love you and this dark feeling is only temporary I swear. It will pass and then you can breathe again.

If you need or want to, my email address is cspiller@earthlink.net. I will be more than happy to talk to you anytime. I have seen you here on the boards and you have also been so positive, and right now you can't. Let others help you as you have helped them for so long.

Please take care of yourself. You are far too important a person in this world and as they say here in America, you're one of the good guys and we need as many as we can get. To lose even one means great sadness and loss for us all.

((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

Cindy

OMGosh Loulou, I'm so sorry. I'm stuck as to what to say, and I do understand how you feel, although I admit it hasn't felt so bad for me, so I can't truly know. I also know that we have very different spiritual beliefs so I'm stuck as to what to say to encourage you. Something nice and Christian pithy like "Jesus loves you" means the world to me but I fear that doesn't strike you and I'm at a loss. Having a discussion about where my hope and peace comes from is very different from giving you the advice your ears want to hear. And so I'm not sure what to say, except to offer a huge (((((HUG))))) from a friend across the seas who cares for you, and hopes for you, and wants to see you well. I support what chichigirl says about calling your doc. Navel gazing is great for an hour or two, but the practical day-to-day gets in the way of that, huh? I'm really sorry and I'm sending you a big friendship (((((HUG)))).

*Religious Content Ahead - If This Bothers You, Please Stop Reading Now*

I wasn't going to post on this at all, as I know that religion bothers some people. But the more I thought about it, I'd be a fool not to tell you this, as it is the truth.

I believe what the word says. God created us in His image to worship Him. He didn't do it only for His pleasure, but for ours as well. He knew that if we would worship and adore Him, we WOULD live a life filled with joy, peace, and fullness.

Am I saying that my life is all sunshine and roses? No way! But when I am willing to run to Him out of my own desperation and just ask Him to fill me with His love and to hold me in the palm of His hand, He does.

I know that there have been so many times during my life that I've felt like I was at the end of my rope. I had tried the world's ways to help myself, and nothing was working. Out of sheer desperation I turned to Him and He lifted my spirit and wiped the dirt off of me and allowed me start all over again. He is truly the God of 2nd chances, and more 2nd chances, etc..

I know that this is no sugar coated answer, but in all of my 30 years of existence, it is truly the ONLY thing that has ever brought me ANY peace and ANY purpose.

I am here if you need me. ~Kelly

I think a human mind is not capable of understanding why we are here. The reasons are so far beyond our imagination that no one will ever understand.

We think that life and our world is for us, God's children, and because he is within us, we believe we belong to God and this world is his... but there are so many living creatures hidden within earth, the ground, the air, miles under the earth's surface and light years into space. Why question our existance? We are just one creature in billions... why do we matter more than others? There are tiny bacteria that live two miles inside the earth and we never knew why... maybe us humans are tiny bacteria to other beings we are incapable of seeing with our small eyes and small minds? I think we are just a part of nature, too intelligent for our own good, ruining life and earth and slowely killing each other, and purpose of being alive is only to exist in this incredible cycle of life.

I probably didn't help, but when i get so down on mysef I feel like crying myself to sleep, I imagine how incredibly huge this world is and all the parts of it I never saw and I wonder... why do I feel so important that I get this upset over my own life?

I too suffered from depression. It's managed well with medications as mine is a chronic condition. I know it's really hard to see anything good while you're in that deep dark place called depression, but it really does have so much to do with ourselves. The way we think, the way we see ourselves and others, the way we react and respond to the things around us. Admitting we have the depression is one thing, choosing to work on it and 'with' it is altogether another. It's hard work. Baby steps. Learning to react differently, learning to take 'self' out of so many things. I still have my days, but now I know the signs. I have also learned some tools that help me to divert the major funk that I know I can get in if I don't be careful.

I think honestly, one of the things (out of ALL the things I have gone through) that really helped me the most was one single thing that a therapist once said to me. And that was this, " But you play the role (of being a victim) so well." To me, that was just as if he'd thrown cold Water in my face or slapped me. I was terribly offended, but the truth was, he was right. I had allowed myself to get in that role and all that was wrong around me was someone else's or something else's fault. All this was happenging TO ME, when in reality I wasn't all that important at all.

This is not to say that it is the case with you, but it is a fair account of what depression really is and does to us and I am here to tell you that all of that can be changed. It's not easy and it takes a lot of determination and a long time, but dear sweet girl, there IS a reason for existing and yes, God does loves us in all our faulty, inadequate and unbelieving ways and YES life is worth living, but remember, Life is what is happening while we're sitting around waiting on something else to come along.

Things I do to get myself out of a funk.

Go outside and work in the yard.

Listen to the birds sing and watch the squirrels play.

Take a long hot bath and thank God, Mother Earth, the Stars, something larger than myself for allowing me to be where I am at at that very moment in time.

Look for a rainbow in the rain.

Put a rubber band around my wrist and snap it EVERY single time I think something negative about myself or my existence.

Find a reason to laugh - movies, books, other people, pets?

Take a walk just so you can take in fresh air, see how green or gold or red the leaves on the trees are.

Take myself for a manicure or pedicure.

Support groups.

Learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviors so that others don't trample you down.

Set boundaries for yourself.

Deal with past hurts and learn to file them away. Find the good in them - did they make you stronger?

Begin to change the things you don't like about yourself. Identify them, label them and take a course of action. Baby steps, remember? School, reading, support groups, exercise, self-talk, acceptance.

Consider where you would like to be 5 yrs from now, 15 yrs from now. What has to happen to get there?

Not sure any of this helps you, but it sure did help me. Perspective seems to be a large factor in depression. That, in addition to genetic pre-disposition of a chemical imbalance of serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine can sure wreak havoc on a person's life, but it IS manageable and there is joy in life and most of all remember, EVERYTHING is temporary, EVERYTHING - especially this darkness that is so easy to slip into.

I wish you peace.

((((HUGS))))

Leatha

LoopyLou, please call your doctor today. I know, I know. There's not a whole lot of point to it right now. But that's part fo the insidious nature of depression. Usually by the time we realize how far into the pit we are, it doesn't matter, nothing matters, and there isn't really a point in doing anything, because, well, it just doesn't matter.

Depression is so hard because it is a chemicial imballance, it's hard because other people don't understand and they just want us to "buck up little camper" to suck it up, to get over it.

Please call your doctor. This is important. (((hugs))))

I too suffered from depression. It's managed well with medications as mine is a chronic condition. I know it's really hard to see anything good while you're in that deep dark place called depression, but it really does have so much to do with ourselves. The way we think, the way we see ourselves and others, the way we react and respond to the things around us. Admitting we have the depression is one thing, choosing to work on it and 'with' it is altogether another. It's hard work. Baby steps. Learning to react differently, learning to take 'self' out of so many things. I still have my days, but now I know the signs. I have also learned some tools that help me to divert the major funk that I know I can get in if I don't be careful.

I think honestly, one of the things (out of ALL the things I have gone through) that really helped me the most was one single thing that a therapist once said to me. And that was this, " But you play the role (of being a victim) so well." To me, that was just as if he'd thrown cold Water in my face or slapped me. I was terribly offended, but the truth was, he was right. I had allowed myself to get in that role and all that was wrong around me was someone else's or something else's fault. All this was happenging TO ME, when in reality I wasn't all that important at all.

This is not to say that it is the case with you, but it is a fair account of what depression really is and does to us and I am here to tell you that all of that can be changed. It's not easy and it takes a lot of determination and a long time, but dear sweet girl, there IS a reason for existing and yes, God does loves us in all our faulty, inadequate and unbelieving ways and YES life is worth living, but remember, Life is what is happening while we're sitting around waiting on something else to come along.

Things I do to get myself out of a funk.

Go outside and work in the yard.

Listen to the birds sing and watch the squirrels play.

Take a long hot bath and thank God, Mother Earth, the Stars, something larger than myself for allowing me to be where I am at at that very moment in time.

Look for a rainbow in the rain.

Put a rubber band around my wrist and snap it EVERY single time I think something negative about myself or my existence.

Find a reason to laugh - movies, books, other people, pets?

Take a walk just so you can take in fresh air, see how green or gold or red the leaves on the trees are.

Take myself for a manicure or pedicure.

Support groups.

Learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviors so that others don't trample you down.

Set boundaries for yourself.

Deal with past hurts and learn to file them away. Find the good in them - did they make you stronger?

Begin to change the things you don't like about yourself. Identify them, label them and take a course of action. Baby steps, remember? School, reading, support groups, exercise, self-talk, acceptance.

Consider where you would like to be 5 yrs from now, 15 yrs from now. What has to happen to get there?

Not sure any of this helps you, but it sure did help me. Perspective seems to be a large factor in depression. That, in addition to genetic pre-disposition of a chemical imbalance of serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine can sure wreak havoc on a person's life, but it IS manageable and there is joy in life and most of all remember, EVERYTHING is temporary, EVERYTHING - especially this darkness that is so easy to slip into.

I wish you peace.

((((HUGS))))

Leatha

letha_g

I must say, you have really good advice and great understanding of depression! It it ALL about feeling like a victim and including 'self' in everything.

Wow, that sounds like what I would have written the day before I made the deicion to have weight loss surgery. I've been in your shoes, so take those damn shoes off and get some new ones. It's a little creepy that you wrote that because they really were my words last year. Mentally ill mother, alcoholic father, very rough life. I turned it all around and became a goofball. It's my built-in defense system.

Find a fabulous new career, for example. It's working wonders for me. Rearrange your entire house. Put the beds in the living room and paint the whole thing bright, cherry colors. Go on a bike ride, read funny books, collect phone numbers and make new girlfriends. Go to comedy clubs, don't sit around. Go to the drugstore and try on all the makeup. Call all the Mary Kay reps in your area (there are probably 95 on your block) and get daily facials. Wear flowers in your hair. Go to the mall in a dress with no underwear. Do something - do anything. Just do do do do do!

My sister suffers from depression as well & I have heard many of the very same things from her as I've read on this loop. I am very lucky in that I have not had to suffer from that.

It has really irked me that Tom Cruise has come out with his outrageous ideas about medication. I truly don't think my sister would be alive today if it weren't for medication!!! I read posts like this one & feel so bad for you because I know your suffering is real. If Tom could only shut his face & stop to think about people in this world who truly need this medication to survive each minute of their lives..

Okay, just has to get that out!! No words of wisdom here, but I can tell you that we all feel for you!!!

It's so easy for rich, thin, happy people to judge normal folks. He's an idiot. I feel sorry for Katie.

Well, thanks. Unfortunately, I do have a great understanding of it. A very personal one.

I self medicated - drugs and alcohol up until I got married, then I began eating and vegetating instead. By the time I had 2 children and was 27 yrs old. I had gained an additional 100 lbs and learned to hate waking up in the mornings. I had gone from a vivacious fireball into a lump of self-disgust and codependency.

Where I used to get in the car and drive across Texas, I had become afraid of putting my kids in a car and heading out for 80 miles. I hated the way I looked, I hated the way I felt, I developed illnesses I now will have forever. I stewed in a vile pit of self hatred and unrealized expectations and it got me nowhere but farther into the pit of hell. I could hear myself clawing to get out and begging for someone to help me, but no one could do that for me. No matter how hard they tried or wanted to, it was not theirs to do.

I lived in a marriage for 20 years that really only contributed to my self-loathing. Then, one sad day, waking up angry because the sun had risen yet again, I asked myself what on earth I had allowed to happen.

I checked myself into a 30 day treatment for depression and it was probably the 30 days that saved my life. I was ready to just drive myself off a bridge or take the whole bottle of pills they'd given me instead of the one I needed to maintain some sense of daily balance. Instead, I informed my husband he needed to get a sitter because I was going to get me well, otherwise, I was no good to him or my children.

That was July, 1988. It was a hard 30 days, but I went there with the desire to come out a better person. The medication they gave me helped me to see color by the 5th day instead of the 'gray' I'd been walking through for years. I had energy I hadn't had since before I'd gained my weight. I learned that taking care of ME was okay and leisure is actually a word that belongs in my vocabulary. I learned what is and is not acceptable behavior for me and those who choose to be around me. I learned that it's okay if EVERYTHING isn't done ALL the time. I learned that I have limits - like I personally can't handle school, church, work and children all at the same time and be good at all of them, but I'm still a worthy person. I learned that if I go to bed at night and I dream constantly or lay awake with thoughts rolling over and over in my head, I'm not allowing the chemicals that need to be replenished the time to do that. I learned that I can't wish that away and that in my case, I had to take the medication that allowed that to happen or I was always going to be worn out from working harder at bedtime than I did in the daytime. I learned that makes me no more weak or useless or unworthy or 'psycho' than someone who needs insulin for diabetes or synthroid for thyroid purposes. I learned that often people choose to continue to allow their lives to be miserable (or those around them) simply because they're too prideful or not educated enough on the true reality of what 'depression' or 'emotional illness' is, yet it's OK to act out irrationally or to be filled with self-pity and not take responsibility for their own behavior. (Not sure I understand that one, but I think it has to do more with weakness than acknowledging the problem and tackling it head on.)

It took me 12 long years of transformation, from being that codependent, lethargic housewife to getting a job and learning that I could work and I could derive self-esteem from something other than myself, my husband or drugs or alcohol. I struggled. I went to Al-Anon for family members of Alcoholics/Addicts - (my family was riddled with alcoholism and my sister had become a heroin addict). I worked on identifying my true pain and also my true worthiness. I learned I did have strengths of character and that it was perfectly okay to stand up for what I knew was right. I learned I deserved better than what I was getting and my children deserved better too.

In 1998, I moved out. I still had my $8 an hour/Bust your behind hospital job, but I knew I deserved something more. I prayed to God for some way to make it on my own, but I moved home to my mother's. In 3 short months, I was offered a job that more than tripled my wages (and there is no Divine Providence? Thank you Lord.). I have been landing in cities across the country, living in hotels, seeing places I would have never dreamed of before. I had never even flown then. I drive a brand new car. I recently bought my own home (without the help of ANYONE), my credit is near perfect and I don't have alot, but I have more than I did in that whole 20 yrs of being married. My conscience is clear. I have struggled with my weight and had some severe/near death health issues, but even that I have faced head on and have learned to manage and still live. Are all my days great? No way. Was any of this easy? Hell no. I've had days I just wanted to give up. I've had days that I wonder why I continue. I am alone. I hate being alone, but I know that eventually even that will work itself out. But, I'd sure rather be alone than to live like I was living. I sure never want to go back there.

I sure feel for anyone who is going through it, but I can now see from the other side that it can be managed. There is a threshold, and it's scary, but there really is another side.

letha_g

I must say, you have really good advice and great understanding of depression! It it ALL about feeling like a victim and including 'self' in everything.

I have suffered from depression since I was born! I went through a really rough time a few years back & thank God I had my Aunt Debbie to help me through it! She gave me the following "Rules" & I don't know why, but they helped me a lot! I got through it! You will too! I hope this helps you as much as it helped me!

Rules For Being Human "

You will receive a body.

You may like it or hate it,

but it's yours to keep

for the entire period.

You will learn lessons.

You are enrolled in a full-time,

informal school called life.

There are no mistakes, only lessons.

Growth is a process of trial, error

and experimentation.

The "failed" experiments are

as much a part of the process

as the experiments

that ultimately "work".

Lessons are repeated

until they are learned.

A lesson will be presented

to you in various forms

until you have learned it.

When you have learned it,

you can go on to the next lesson.

Learning lessons does not end.

There is no part of life that doesn't

contain it's lessons.

If you're alive,

there are still lessons to be learned.

"There" is no better than "here".

When your "there" has become "here",

you will simply obtain another "there"

that will again look better than "here".

Other people are merely mirrors of you.

You can not love or hate something

about another person unless

it reflects to you

something you love or

hate about yourself.

What you make of your life is up to you.

You have all the tools and

resources you need.

What you do with them is up to you.

The choice is yours.

What you do with them is up to you.

Rules For Being Human

Author - Anonymous

Hi Loulou -- Another depressive signing in here. I second what Cindy, Leatha, and Crystal said. Talk to the doctor who authorizes your antidepressant meds and tell him/her what you're going through.

To question the reason for our existence is a normal part of being human. So is despair. But to suffer "clawing and screaming just to make it to the end of the day alive" when the external circumstances of your life are not forcing you into psychic torment means that something is very wrong. Believe me, I know.

For many of us who have suffered paralyzing depressions, mood medications not only helped but transformed, even saved, us. And like our fickle band fills, we don't always get the "sweet spot" dosage or drug the first or second time around.

I am truly sorry to hear you are feeling so horrible, but I am encouraged by the fact that you chose to write something here to your virtual friends. Please take the next step and get immediate medical help.

Thanks so much guys! As always your wisdom is inspiring. I have been in therapy a long time - and I actually think it is time to stop analysing my life and start having one. I have been working hard on getting better but what I really need, I feel, is something to fight for. At the moment my independence is really important to me. I have just started a new job and I have not worked in 5 years. But I do want to run away. I want to get a job transfer to the other side of the country, leave my supportive husband (who is also my best friend) and run away to where no one can find me and start over. I feel like I have no self. I am so wishy-washy and constantly in flux. I change depending on who is around me and nothing about me today seems the same as yesterday. I feel like my soul is scattered to the 4 winds and I am trying to hold myself together before I turn to nothingness, but the effort is killing me. have you ever heard that saying "Stop the world, I want to get off!" - this is me right now. Everything about life seems scary, except for the idea of a fresh start which is me just running away and hoping my problems dont follow - but I know that leaving is the easy part, staying and dealing with my 'stuff' is the challenge. But again I find myself asking, 'what am I fighting for?' why not let myself go, let myself scatter to the winds?

I have been a 'born again christian' and it really did help me feel like I had a sense of purpose, but it was somebody elses purpose, not mine. I so respect other peoples beliefs - I could go so far to say I am jealous of them. I believe that we are born innocent, I believe life doesn't end when we die, I believe in the power of forgiveness, I believe in nature and beauty - I just dont think they believe in me!! I dont just see nothingness around me, I am nothingness.

Is it the emptiness, the nothingness, you hope to flee? What kind of life do you want to have? Do you have moments where the nothingness isn't quite as bad, or is it the same horrible thing all the time?

Lou, if you prefer, you can just ignore this post of mine or reply via PM.